Does Abuse Lead into Submission?

[TigerClaw]

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[witcha]

If that person was really pushing someone away they would not continue to talk to them unless they respect them on some level.

Who really knows what's inside such a mentally unstable person's mind??

 

[TigerClaw]

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[dolf]

Consider it cleaning of the Subpool.

They aren't subbing- they are being abused. And it clears the gene pool because eventually they will "sub" (be abused) right out of the gene pool.

!

 

[witcha]

Are they really unstable or just so hurt and mixed up they need a good foundation to level them out?

Fot the person trying to help it makes no difference

 

[TigerClaw]

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[witcha]

Of course it does. If the person helping thinks they are unstable they are looking at the person in a judgemental way. If they understand that these things are cause by something then they are looking at it from a helpful way.

Maybe..which still does not make it any easier for them to help

 

[FungiUg]

Okay... we have a classic "rescuer" (that's not a bad thing, and it's a syndrome I suffer from myself.) Someone who feels compelled to help and fix someone else's issues.

We also (by the sounds of it) have someone who is in an abusive relationship and is refusing to be helped.

The lesson is that there are some people you cannot help. Some people will go back to the same old issues time and time again regardless of whatever "help" they receive. I call these people "victims". Sometimes you just have to acknowledge that you can't fix the problem and walk away. Sad, but true.

I don't think victimhood is in any way related to BDSM, but it doesn't surprise me that there are submissives who are also "victims". As it happens, a friend of mine ran into a dominant who was a "victim" as well. Most of these kinds of people I have run into haven't been into BDSM.

It's a sad sick world sometimes, and the saddest thing is when we do it to ourselves.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

The lesson is that there are some people you cannot help.

Thank you, and for all the protest to the contrary, an appropriate finale.

 

[sunfox]

I don't think victimhood is in any way related to BDSM

And thanks for this as well. Submissive does not equal victim. It does not equal abused. The two things are not mutually exclusive in any way. There is not something in subs that needs to be fixed, coddled, or soothed.

There are likely as many subs that have never been abused as there are those who have.

And as stated, you can't help someone who doesn't want the assistance. It's a nice thought, but ultimately pointless.

 

[TigerClaw]

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[Bandit58]

Unfortunately, it is true. If someone wants help they have to seek it.

I wonder what drives somone to get to the point of being fed up with their situation and doing something about it vs someone else who gets to the point and just gives in to their situation. Why does one buckle and the other fight to change it?

I dont think all subs are abused or victims. But it does seem too common vs vanilla or is it just not as talked about out side? Is abuse more common then what you might think?

Just one putdown too many did it for me......I lost my temper and all the suppressed anger came boiling up and I said what I should have said years ago but was too afraid to. It was a huge thing for me to leave him - but the self confidence gradually built up when I discovered that I could cope on my own.

There were days when I wondered if I had done the right thing but they were few and far between. Yes I was alone, but I was also free to explore living and life. I realised that life was too short to spend it in an unhappy marriage.......

 

[FungiUg]

I wonder what drives somone to get to the point of being fed up with their situation and doing something about it vs someone else who gets to the point and just gives in to their situation. Why does one buckle and the other fight to change it?

I don't really have an anwer for that question. I do know that often there's a turning point, a moment of internal resolution where a decision to act is finally reached. It's the "enough!" moment. When everything changes, and suddenly you are left wondering why the hell you hadn't made the decision earlier.

It's a moment of enlightenment and one that can change your life. But it's one that can only be internalised and not a moment that other people can show you. It has to come from within.

Some people never reach that moment.

 

[Bandit58]

I don't really have an anwer for that question. I do know that often there's a turning point, a moment of internal resolution where a decision to act is finally reached. It's the "enough!" moment. When everything changes, and suddenly you are left wondering why the hell you hadn't made the decision earlier.

It's a moment of enlightenment and one that can change your life. But it's one that can only be internalised and not a moment that other people can show you. It has to come from within.

Some people never reach that moment.

Yup that's what it was like....like a light finally came on and I knew I had to do it right then or I never would.

 

[FungiUg]

Yup that's what it was like....like a light finally came on and I knew I had to do it right then or I never would.

And was it a decision that YOU had to reach by yourself, or one that was prompted by other people?

 

[Bandit58]

And was it a decision that YOU had to reach by yourself, or one that was prompted by other people?

I was influenced by others, mostly online who I discussed certain things with, but the decision was ultimately my own. The abuse I suffered was insidious, over many years, and so manipulative that I didn't really realise that it was abusive until someone said to me "He shouldn't be treating you that way, it's disrespectful". From the realisation to the actualisation, was about 18 months, but I knew I had been unhappy for years before that, just didn't have the knowledge or the courage to do anything.

 

[FungiUg]

I was influenced by others

That parallels a great deal of my own experience. The best we can hope for is to influence others positively, but the final step or resolution has to come from within.

It's good to hear the success stories though; to hear about those who have managed to make the decision to walk away from the abuse and whose life has improved as a result.

 

[sunfox]

Unfortunately, it is true. If someone wants help they have to seek it.

I wonder what drives somone to get to the point of being fed up with their situation and doing something about it vs someone else who gets to the point and just gives in to their situation. Why does one buckle and the other fight to change it?

I dont think all subs are abused or victims. But it does seem too common vs vanilla or is it just not as talked about out side? Is abuse more common then what you might think?

Some people are simply stronger than others and finally reach that core that is unwilling to be trod upon.

And yes, I think as a whole that abuse is a silent subject a lot of the time, whether BDSM or not... I just think that a lot of BDSMers are more open about discussing any abuse they have suffered because there can be more tolerance and understanding in the community such as it is. In a non-BDSM context, it is still often considered shameful even for the victim... so can sometimes be very taboo.

So no, I don't think it's more common in BDSM. I just think it's more talked about.

 

[Kassiana]

Submissive does not equal victim. It does not equal abused.

Damned right.

 

[dolf]

Why does one buckle and the other fight to change it?

some people have teeth...some don't...many have them but forget that till something snaps...but there will always be some who are defenceless...







*bite*
xx

 

[TigerClaw]

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[TigerClaw]

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[TigerClaw]

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[sincerely_helene]

And thanks for this as well. Submissive does not equal victim. It does not equal abused. The two things are not mutually exclusive in any way. There is not something in subs that needs to be fixed, coddled, or soothed.

There are likely as many subs that have never been abused as there are those who have.

... And thank you, for that. You saved me some typing.

I come from just a dandy upbringing, and have never experianced past relationships where abuse was even remotely a factor. In fact, I seem to have this re-occuring theme where it doesn't work out simply because the guy is just a little too much of a pushover or too predictable for my liking.

I definetly think it is possible to want to be dominated just because that is your nature, or because you crave that level of intensity the average relationship can't seem to offer you.