Does Abuse Lead into Submission?

[Kajira Callista]

The last sentence needed to be heard.

Before you found a safe outlet were the situations very dangerous? Were you lucky that it didnt get worse, did you find a way to control it or did you get hurt?

They were dangerous, i allowed things to happen that most run from. I was lucky i met a man who understood and took the time to teach me a better way. Not so sure where i would be now or if i even would be now if i had not met him.

 

[Netzach]

Do you think you were always a dominant personality?

I don't consider myself "a dominant pesonality" even now, if you mean socially an alpha who commands her every social encounter. I'm how I am. I'm an assertive person, I tend toward argument, logic, and reason, I don't take crap and I have a very strong sense of justice and fairness. I even like to botom once in a while, I just bottom in a very non-submissive way *chuckle*

I like to think that the people who submit to me do so out of a position of inspiration, not subordination, if that makes sense. I try to be the kind of person that people want to honor, and I seem to have a certain degree of success.

I grew into my role, over time, with maturity, and with the slow process of overcoming my family bullshit, not because of it.

 

[graceanne]

Out of curiousity sake, my mother was my abuser, and my father was emotionally abusive.

Most people I know were abused by a family member. The majority of people who are abused as children are. And if it's not a family member it's a close family friend, which is just about the same.

As for my triggers, to some extent yes. I'm very sensitive about comments about my intelligence. (From people I care about - anyone else can kiss my ass.) I also am. . . well I'm almost phobically scared of abandonment. If Kenny is running late to pick me up from someplace, I worry that he forgot me, or something. That I wasn't important enough for him to remember. I can't sleep at night unless he's home, because I'm afraid that he won't come home. Things like that. I know that I'm being paranoid, but the feelings are still there.

Frankly, you are allowed to feel however you want. All feelings are valid, it's what you do about what you feel that's important. I am allowed to worry that Kenny won't come home, I'm not allowed to be a bitch to him when he does get home. I am allowed to be scared he'll forget to pick me up, I"m not allowed to be a pain in the ass and call him every 5 mnutes. Things like that.

You are allowed to worry that she's lying to you, or whatever. Trying to deny your feelings is not healthy. It's what you do with that feeling that you can control. You can acknowledge to yourself that you're being irrational and it's not fair to her, and leave it at that. Or you can treat her like she's lying, and punish her for something she didn't do.

 

[Xelebes]

I do not suffer from child abuse from parents or from other elderly figures in my life - rather my peers in school. I was always the one who got beaten up - and being from a rough school in Edmonton, this meant daily beatings. It wasn't until I moved to the other side of the city to find myself in more well-tempered situation.

Upon moving there I quickly chose to be the underling in the main group - the other kid who was new that year chose to be the leader and oft clashed with him and the sort. It was that kind of things that happened in Junior High.

For me, I was probably gonna be one of those male subs who clumsily get married to a submissive woman without realising certain things which didn't happen until a bit more than a year ago. I mean, all the other attempts at dating girls went horrible with me being very flimsy on the first date and would get a silly answer as to why it would not work out the next day.

Now I haven't asked a single girl out for almost two years now, giving mtself a chance for some major introspection - a chance to realise that I was missing something that was there and that the lack of realisation was preventing me from doing things right.

And stuff.

Now back to the abuse issue at hand - while I don't think it was too severe, though trauma was had - it does have a bearing in helping me realise what I am.

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[Kassiana]

All people have past experiences which influence the people they've become in the present. Sexuality is one of those things.

I think I like submission for several reasons. It's relaxing. Think of the times you've been sick or really upset, and someone took care of you...maybe making you soup or tea, deciding you were going to go out to dinner, etc. Why should it be any different with sex? It's nice to be free from the responsibility of control. I'm a person who's usually overly controlling. I like being able to leave off, not have to come up with ideas, and let my husband take over in our sexual encounters.

I'm far less experienced sexually than my husband is. I'm sure that's another factor.

I was part of a very conservative religious belief system at one point and felt guilty and ashamed about my sexual thoughts and reading (oh, yes, I read erotica and then prayed to God for forgiveness).

It can be very powerful to submit. The idea that someone wants you so much that they have to tie you up and just fuck you like crazy ... mmm. I love it.

While I've had some abusive experiences, mostly from bastards in junior high and high school, I don't think they have done anything but possibly delayed my sexual initiation. I didn't have intercourse till I was 25 and didn't do any major real life experimentation until I was 24, and I'm still finding surprising things about my sexuality (e.g. I recently remembered a few months ago that I had fantasies, back when I was 11-12, of being spanked).

I don't think I submit out of desire to be abused or any such thing. I don't like humiliation, for example. I just like having someone else in control when I have sex, sometimes. I can have "vanilla" or more egalitarian sex, too, and it's not bad at all. I often prefer control, and many of my sexual fantasies are about it, but it's not my whole life, either. I don't define myself as a submissive. I define myself as a person who likes certain things, including sexual submission.

And that's the truth.

 

[FungiUg]

I was abused as a child -- not sexually (thankfully), but certainly physically and mentally.

I believe there is a relationship between my abuse and my expression of dominance, but... I can also remember my personality as a child before the abuse and I think I always had a dominant streak.

Anyway... I sometimes wonder whether we only see the direct relationship with abuse and BDSM because BDSM people are more willing to talk about their sexuality. If we polled gays and other "exploratory" sexualities, would we find that they too have the same relationship?

Or to put it another way, maybe there is no direct correlation at all. It's just that we only notice the abuse with BDSM people. I know for a fact that there are BDSM people who have not been abused, and I also know there are people who have been abused and who are NOT into BDSM.

Suffice to say I remain sceptical about the direct relationship between the two. I don't personally feel that abuse leads to becoming dominant or submissive, but it can enhance a leaning in that direction.

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Why is it easier for them to stay in the abusive relationships?

Consider it cleaning of the Subpool.

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[witcha]

For those this thread was intended for are either Lying or dont want the help. It is a pity. It is easier to stay in the mess then it is to heal.

Why is it easier for them to stay in the abusive relationships?

Simply hurts less..but guess it's easy to figure out on your own too

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[dolf]

I dont know if this thread has given any one any help. If it has gotten ppl to talk I am happy.

I fell into the trap of riding up on my White Horse 3 years ago and save someone from the terrible life she had. I got Fucking Burned Bad. I learned my lesson and thought I could help others by starting a discussion of those that are hurt and those who survived and are whole again.

For those this thread was intended for are either Lying or dont want the help. It is a pity. It is easier to stay in the mess then it is to heal.

Why is it easier for them to stay in the abusive relationships?

or perhaps your way isn't the only way...there are things a person has to figure out for themselves...they may not choose to demonstrate to you every little facet of the journey they are on...there will be ups and downs on the journey they are taking but the journey may still be taking them forward...

new year begins...looking back at the last year was hard, sad and draining but i'm feeling fighting fit to start the new one

if the above quote was directed towards the person i'm thinking it was then perhaps it should be the last thing you say in a public thread. it gives the appearance kicking the helpless when they are down and it's not a good look for you hon.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

And it clears the gene pool because eventually they will "sub" (be abused) right out of the gene pool.

Thank you.

 

[witcha]

Some can not or choose not to make a decision to over come it. They bend their lives to it. I can not live my life that way.

And good for you..Obviously some people are retarded or something alike and enjoy making bad decisions

 

[AngelicAssassin]

But really why should I even care. My caring is what got me in trouble in the first place.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[witcha]

No they are not. I have been saying that.

The situation that caused it is the problem. That is what causes the lack of self esteem and self judgementalism. The mistakes now are not their fault. Sometimes it is just getting a better support group for them.

Maybe sometimes there's no way to help someone..In some cases it's impossible or requires too much work

 

[TigerClaw]

.....

 

[witcha]

I dont believe that. But I have also realized they have to want to get help before any help will matter.

They dont deserve what ever abuse they are getting then or now.

In their mind they do..and there are no rational arguments to change their way of thinking.

As for pushing away stuff-might be another survival technique..easier to make someone leave than be abondoned IMHO