Does a woman have to be HIT to have battered woman's syndrome?...

[dragonhearted]

...or can she be being abused emotionally and mentally, (name calling, putdowns), yet addicted to the sex with that partner... being "in love" with him keeps her around.

I need opinions and facts....please?

 

[badasschick]

Nah,

abuse is a matter of control...put downs, and name calling are the abusers way of taking away the victims power over themselves. Essentially breaking their spirit.

 

[dragonhearted]

So if I have a problem with the behaviour yet keep going back to the man....then I might have the syndrome right? I mean, it's like I am saying it is ok for him to keep doing that...so he keeps doing it. Is this what it means?

 

[badasschick]

A lot of the time, the victim feels safe in familiar surrounding because they are indoctrinated with the false image that running away will only be worse. Even though that familiar surrounding is unhealthy.

 

[lobito]

abuse is slightly different than battered wife/girlfriend syndrome. Battery suggests actual contact, abude is many different things.

if someone is staying around "because they love them no matter the abuse", then that's just plain fucking stupid, and I have no sympathy for that person. If they want out abd enough, they'll do what it takes to get out, not stay around, for the sex or whatever.

 

[Purrde Flower]

The last 3-4 years of my marriage were hell. Only I didn't realize it until about the last two years of it.

I always thought to be an abused person you would have had to be really beat up. My ex would hit me in my arms a lot. Leaving huge bruises. He never hit me anywhere else. In his mind he didn't think that was abuse and in mine I didn't either. I grew up with a very rough family. (3 older brothers). I was being constantly yelled and and always put down. And I was always depressed. But I would watch videos and commercials about abused women and these women were really abused.. i mean hospitalized and everything. So i didn't think what I was going through was so bad.

The last year things got so bad that my ex (who is about a foot and half taller than me) would but his hands around my neck and throw me against the wall holding me a eye level to him while he screamed at me. I still never called the police because I seriously didn't think things were that bad in my mind at first. I wasn't in the hospital and I really believe I deserved that treatment.

After years and years of abuse it became such a normal thing for me. To fear and to think I deserved it because I was told I did almost daily.

It took me a over a year to leave. Even after I figured everything out it was hard to do mostly becuase I do have 4 children. I have never been close to my family so I didn't think I would have any support. But I finaly did it and I am so much happier and healthier for it.

 

[huskie]

...or can she be being abused emotionally and mentally, (name calling, putdowns), yet addicted to the sex with that partner... being "in love" with him keeps her around.

I need opinions and facts....please?

of course not!!! Women abuse men all the time this a way!!

But a women is more apt to get this charge to stick in court than a man is!

 

[Gilly Bean]

I think battered suggestes physical violance, but there are similiar titles for emotionally abused people I am sure, and I think it works the same way.

 

[Mia62]

Think about it....

With physical ABUSE...the wounds heal.

With verbal/emotional ABUSE...the wounds take years to heal...IF they do heal.

Someone told me a story the other day about a mother trying to teach her young child to be less angry and more tolerant. Instead of yelling at the child every time they lashed out in anger, the mother told the child to go pound a nail in one board of the fence in the backyard every time they lost control. Eventually that board was filled with nails until one day the child went to the mother and told her how they had held back their anger today. The mother congratulated the child and told them to go take OUT one nail for every time they stopped themselves from anger. One day all the nails were out of the board and the child was a much happier child. The mother took that child out to the backyard and told them look at the board and describe what they saw. The child told the mother that there was a board filled with empty holes. The mother explained to the child that that is what happens to a person who gets yelled at and verbally abused regularly. The holes are always there....

 

[dragonhearted]

I absolutely agree Mia

...I have alot of those "holes" myself...

 

[Mia62]

Then get out...no matter how hard it feels. You have no other way of ever filling them. Trust me...sex is not worth it. And find a counsellor.

 

[Donna Greed]

Speaking as someone who was both physically and emotionally abused by my husband, I would say yes, you can have the same after effects from emotional and verbal abuse. My cuts and bruises healed, but the things he said to me, the constant belittling and rejection, will never go away. I am truly scarred for life. The emotional stuff was much, much more painful in the long run.

 

[Monazwx]

No.

...or can she be being abused emotionally and mentally, (name calling, putdowns)

Yes.

Yet addicted to the sex with that partner... being "in love" with him keeps her around.

Having sex with your partner doesn't automatically make or keep you 'in love' with them.
If they are putting you down, they don't respect or care for you enough.

I suggest a break from the relationship; a permanent if things don't change.

 

[Debbie]

http://www.divorcenet.com/or/or-art02.html

"To understand battered woman's syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a "battered woman". According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, the nation's most prominent expert on battered women, a woman must experience at least two complete battering cycles before she can be labeled a "battered woman". The cycle has three distinct phases. First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase. Walker, L., The Battered Woman (1979). "


I believe it is emotionally damaging and abusive if you are constantanly put down and berated/shouted at by your partner.

I was in a violent relationship. With the emotional and mental
abuse. Luckily I got myself and my kids out safely.

But I never enjoyed sex with him. I was afraid of him.
Waiting for the next cruel word or blow.

If you feel you are being emotionally abused, dragonhearted?
And want to stay with your partner or this is from a previous relationship?
I would suggest counselling. But bear in mind people have to recognise or acknowledge they have a problem and want
to change the way they behave.

If someone loves you, they don't abuse you. Fullstop.

 

[dragonhearted]

Thank you

.......to all of you!

I know I made a mistake in taking him back (broke up with him once, for 3 days). I was depressed..crying everyday...Well! Guess I will just have to do that and get over it and go on.

I divorced my ex because he was emotionally and mentally abusive of me. He withheld sex from me to start with, but he also put me down, criticized every little thing I did...but he never lost his temper with me. We had arguments...we yelled. But he was never violent. But I did learn that abuse can be just as you said....Words do hurt.

The alarms about Stewart began to go off a week or two before I broke up the first time...then I weakened...took him back. What a dumbass I was.

Well, now is my chance to set things right. Thank you all so much for helping me to think straight! *hugs*

Suzanne

 

[someplace]

Most people in abusive situations return several times before they are finally able to break free. I know.

I also know that the emotional damage from verbal abuse is far longer lasting and entrenched than any physical abuse.

 

[sheath]

Speaking as someone who was both physically and emotionally abused by my husband, I would say yes, you can have the same after effects from emotional and verbal abuse. My cuts and bruises healed, but the things he said to me, the constant belittling and rejection, will never go away. I am truly scarred for life. The emotional stuff was much, much more painful in the long run.

I totally agree with Donna.

I was in a relationship that turned abusive. Luckily, it was on the downhill slide toward ending anyway, and so the abuse didn't last long. In all, I withstood the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse for less than a year. Now, almost nine years later, I can hardly remember the physical things...but I can still hear his voice in the back of my mind in the middle of the night sometimes.

The physical abuse is bad enough...and I don't think you can really have physical abuse WITHOUT having the others. The questioning of yourself and the 'why' he did it leave emotional scars. When he says he loves you, it completely tilts your view of what love should be. Isn't someone doing something horrible to you physically while saying, "but I love you anyway"...that contradiction...isn't that a form of verbal abuse in itself? It leaves you unbalanced, scared and unsure.

Get away now...while you can. Before he does something worse, or before the abuse finally snaps that part of you deep inside that still holds your self-worth. Good luck, sweetie.

S.

 

[cricketbug]

Re: Think about it....

With physical ABUSE...the wounds heal.

With verbal/emotional ABUSE...the wounds take years to heal...IF they do heal.

*nods lots*

I agree with Mia and the rest. The scars and bruises heal but it takes FOREVER for the emotional impact to go away.

For me it wasn't a SO, was my stepdad... Try growing up hearing "you're stupid" and "you don't amount to s%*t" at least every day. Now it scares me 'cause my brother is getting the same treatment I did... *sighs*

Luckily enough, I have a great husband who supports me and understands where I came from..

*BIG HUGS to all of You*