Do You Work Out?

[Guest]

This made me laugh - thought I'd share it with some brilliant and talented author friends!

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout routine.


Dear Diary... For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce. He identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and a model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and agreed wholeheartedly when the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. It was tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. After five minutes on the treadmill he took my pulse. He was a bit alarmed that it was so fast, but I attributed it to the fact I was standing next to him in his snug Lycra outfit. Bruce was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups (even though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around). After my workout I enjoyed watching his skillful leadership in aerobics class. It was very inspiring. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - and then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I could brush my teeth this morning was by laying my body over the toothbrush on the bathroom counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have hernias in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. His voice is just a little too perky this early in the morning and when he scolds he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster instead. Why in the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stupid shit too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long just to tie my shoes. Bruce punished me by making me work out with the dumbbells. When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. But he sent Lars to find me, and then as a disciplinary measure put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps today. I don't have any triceps! And Bruce, if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*# barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. After that disaster he forced me back on the treadmill and increased the speed. It quickly flung me off, causing me to land spread-eagle on the health and nutrition teacher.

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing that grating, shrilly voice made me want to smash the machine with my diary. However, as I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote, I ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I loved this one!

 

[oggbashan]

Ask for Tai Chi next time

Tai Chi is gentle.

Tai Chi should be graceful (if you look left at my AV please don't laugh too loud).

Tai Chi is about flow, not forcing yourself through the pain barrier or stretching "just a little more".

It is working for me, giving me flexibility that I haven't had for years and it doesn't hurt!

It works even for those with damaged muscles and bones (but check with your qualified medical practioner first).

I look like an idiot when I'm doing it, but what's different?

Og

 

[Guest]

no Bruce

SSS-

Laughed when I read the "diary".

The only people more sadistic than personal trainers are physical therapists. I have my last session this morning.

b

 

[Guest]

Re: Ask for Tai Chi next time

Tai Chi is gentle.

Tai Chi should be graceful (if you look left at my AV please don't laugh too loud).

Tai Chi is about flow, not forcing yourself through the pain barrier or stretching "just a little more".

It is working for me, giving me flexibility that I haven't had for years and it doesn't hurt!

It works even for those with damaged muscles and bones (but check with your qualified medical practioner first).

I look like an idiot when I'm doing it, but what's different?

Og

I swim almost every day - I love that - but I wasn't able to do laps for awhile when I broke my leg last October.

I had to venture into the land of the nautilus machines with my husband - with all the gym rats, muscle boys, mirror posers, thonged bimbos and personal trainers. *sigh*

I do agree - personal trainers and physical therapists are evil! (almost as bad as X-ray technicians!!)

 

[MathGirl]

Work out?

I run 40 miles a week and am a gym rat. Keeps my weight down.
MG
Ps. My 6 miles a day involves a lot more steps than most.

 

[Sabledrake]

bridget_keeney > I have my first appointment with the physical therapist on the 23rd (bruised nerve in shoulder, result of neck surgery). Can you give me some warning about what to expect? All the ones I've ever seen in fiction have been annoying chirpy cheerleading sadists. Is that really what I'm in for?

As for working out, no, not nearly enough. I have a pedaler that I use for an hour or so each night at work, exercycle at home. I'd been trying to make it to the gym proper for some swimming before the surgery. Today was my first day back. Owie.

Sabledrake

 

[Guest]

ah the delights...

SD-

Actually, my PT was great. A bit upbeat for early morning consumption, but pushed me to get better while listening to me. The big key is to be HONEST about what hurts and what activities you have and haven't done.

And for the record, I do 5 miles a day on the elliptical machine and then do weights. I have a high level of self-motivation. I get a real thrill out of filling in my spreadsheet each day.

I have lost 22 pounds since my surgery and feel better than ever.

b

 

[Guest]

Re: Work out?

I run 40 miles a week and am a gym rat. Keeps my weight down. . .

Yes - if I didn't swim as much as I do I couldn't get into my jeans.


(I realize there's a joke in there but it's Friday - just let it go!)

 

[pop_54]

Hmmmm

I don't work out as much as I used to, a bit of weight training occasionally if I'm in the mood, but I do cycle a lot.
I rarely use the car to go into town, (2 miles each way) I prefer to use the old mountain bike, keeps me in reasonable shape.

As for the dear diary thing, loved it, heck of a laugh, specially the ending.

pops...............

 

[Guest]

i do a mean 16 ounce curl

walk to the fridge a few times a day too

don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful [there're so many other good reasons

]

PJ

 

[Guest]

LOL

 

[Guest]

chess and ballet

Oscar Wilde was once asked if he partook of any sports or physical exercise. He answered that he occasionally played chess at the Café Royal in Paris.

When I want a real workout I do an hour at my portable ballet barre. I took up ballet at 36 simply wanting to learn more about the steps but found a great teacher and studied with her for several years, all private lessons. I daresay there are fewer strenuous exercises than ballet's done correctly. There's truly a science behind the art. The effort comes in trying to look graceful at the same time and keeping your mouth closed while breathing properly. And let's not forget trying to keep on the music!

Otherwise I live in a beautiful city made for walking and do so several miles a day (including lots of hills that range from merely large mounds to nearly cliffs). At my age though my knees are beginning to ache, especially down hill or steps. I'm grateful ballet gave me strong legs, don't know what I'd do if I couldn't walk easily.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I take little walks around the neighborhood when I get restless, and occasionally, I walk into town instead of going by bus. (It's 2 kms.) I also like to swim, the kilos are just washed off!

 

[Croctden]

I lift and ride a bike 4-5 times a week, yoga once a week, run or swim once or twice a week. I hate it all, but besides staying in shape it really helps my sleep paterns.

 

[RetEng]

I had a regional ileitis problem when in my 20s. As I recovered from that and the malnutrition that went with it, I started into the Canadian military 5BX program. The program guide was a pamplet readily available in the 60s. The key issue was to do a slow and steady buildup to whatever level you choose so you avoid muscle soreness. I chose a level of 50 of everything; jumps, situps, pushups, toe touches and in-place running. On doctor advice, I avoided the deep kneebends because he thought that could do damage.

What I like about the program is that the exercises do not require any equipment and can be completed in less than 20 minutes. I feel really guilty if I skip a day. Perhaps believing that stopping is the beginning of the process of dying helps keep me at the program. An opera friend who was a male nurse has pointed how fast muscles deteriorate if not used.

After my knees began to give me trouble in my late 50's, I began to do shallow kneebends and this seems to have helped. Another modification I began a few years ago was to decide to do a pushup per day for each year of age. At age 68, I am well ahead of the game. My dad made it to age 90 so I figure why not try for at least that too.

There is a man in the American Bonanza Society who still flys his airplane at age 97. How about that for a goal!

RetEng

 

[jfinn]

bridget_keeney > I have my first appointment with the physical therapist on the 23rd (bruised nerve in shoulder, result of neck surgery). Can you give me some warning about what to expect? All the ones I've ever seen in fiction have been annoying chirpy cheerleading sadists. Is that really what I'm in for?
Sabledrake

I've had three bouts with PT for neck and shoulder injuries and a lot more than that for other stuff (what can I say, I'm a klutz) and by far my favorite was the PT for my neck.

I'd go in before work in the morning and they'd start me off with hot towels to relax the muscles and then go on to muscle and nerve releases (a form of massage). Even the exercises were pretty easy though if they try and persuade you to do that home traction stuff I'd be a little leery. Not much fun and people laugh at you if they catch you doing it. Makes me wonder why erotic asphixiation is so popular.

Good luck.

Jayne

 

[Master_Vassago]

I run about three miles a day, lift regularly, swim laps during summer. Play two to three soccer games a week. Chase My two and a half year old around. LOL> Yep I stay in shape. I think. I'm just lucky. I have trouble gaining weight. My metabolism is so high that it seems like by the time I eat two platefulls of anything, I've burned it off.

 

[Sabledrake]

I'd go in before work in the morning and they'd start me off with hot towels to relax the muscles and then go on to muscle and nerve releases (a form of massage). Even the exercises were pretty easy though if they try and persuade you to do that home traction stuff I'd be a little leery. Not much fun and people laugh at you if they catch you doing it. Makes me wonder why erotic asphixiation is so popular.

Well, the first part sounds nice ... home traction, though? I don't even know what that is and it sounds scary!

Thanks Jayne, Bridget, Og. I can't say as I'm looking forward to the appointment, but it's good to have some ideas as to what I can expect.

Sabledrake

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Nowadays, when summer has arrived, and there's green grass and flowers here and there, I really recommend you to kick off your shoes and walk on the grass, and pick osme flowers and put them in your hair. Revolt against the suit-and-tie system, and enjoy being a living, breathing, sexual creature!

 

[Guest]

Nowadays, when summer has arrived, and there's green grass and flowers here and there, I really recommend you to kick off your shoes and walk on the grass, and pick osme flowers and put them in your hair. Revolt against the suit-and-tie system, and enjoy being a living, breathing, sexual creature!

only if you join me

PJ

 

[Chicklet]

lol that was great

i've thought about joining a gym, because i'd like to swim for excersize and work out with friends, but I just don't have enough money to pay 40 bucks a month = (

broke my bike, too, so I don't ride it anymore (i used to date this guy who worked on bikes for a living and he always made fun of people who couldn't fix simple problems on their bikes...so i'm weary of taking it to a shop for fear that the mechanics will go home and make fun of me...it has been broken for three years, which is how long ago I left the bike boyfriend...hmmm)

and more excuses to follow

 

[Svenskaflicka]

only if you join me

PJ

You'd have to take a veeeeeeeeeery long walk to meet me!

 

[Guest]

You'd have to take a veeeeeeeeeery long walk to meet me!

how about I fly first...then walk?

PJ