Do you think it's right....?

[phoenix6666]

To not allow your children to date when they're young (ie. high school ages)? That's what my parents did to me and my sister when we were growing up. Neither one of us really thought much about it at the time and both understood the reasoning behind it--we came from semi-strict and loving parents who emphasized education about all else. Not a bad thing, I know but still kinda annoying for the following reason.

I'm in my 20s now, and I don't date for a number of reasons but one of the biggies is that I'm just too scared to. Ignoring the fact that I'm immature and think about sex and nothing else, I just don't know what to do in a relationship. I mean, when we're younger and we date, it's more or less expected to screw up, perhaps a lot, whether it's saying or doing the wrong thing or not saying or doing something. We're in that age when we're trying to understand everything and we more or less expect mistakes to happen. But usually that should be sorted out by the time we reach college or definitely by the time we graduate from it, shouldn't it? For example, what you're supposed to do while on a date. Ignore the giant relationship aspect with its own set of rules which are constantly changing. There are certain things that are good/bad to do on a date and I have no clue what they are but I'd feel like an idiot for asking. It's so daunting for me....

 

[Cakegirl]

OMG, I am exactly the same. Parents didn't allow me to date, because they loved me and wanted to protect me. Mum even said when I was younger that I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 26! (It was said as a joke, but the subliminal message was that boyfriends were bad.) And here I am, 27 years old, and the longest relationship I've had went for 3 months, and ended because I moved country!

 

[TirelessTongue]

To not allow your children to date when they're young (ie. high school ages)? That's what my parents did to me and my sister when we were growing up. Neither one of us really thought much about it at the time and both understood the reasoning behind it--we came from semi-strict and loving parents who emphasized education about all else. Not a bad thing, I know but still kinda annoying for the following reason.

I'm in my 20s now, and I don't date for a number of reasons but one of the biggies is that I'm just too scared to. Ignoring the fact that I'm immature and think about sex and nothing else, I just don't know what to do in a relationship. I mean, when we're younger and we date, it's more or less expected to screw up, perhaps a lot, whether it's saying or doing the wrong thing or not saying or doing something. We're in that age when we're trying to understand everything and we more or less expect mistakes to happen. But usually that should be sorted out by the time we reach college or definitely by the time we graduate from it, shouldn't it? For example, what you're supposed to do while on a date. Ignore the giant relationship aspect with its own set of rules which are constantly changing. There are certain things that are good/bad to do on a date and I have no clue what they are but I'd feel like an idiot for asking. It's so daunting for me....

I'm currently 30 years of age now. But when I was in high school I didn't date anyone because I was too shy and too embarassed to bring any women home to my parents. My parents were super strict and didn't allow me to get a job during highschool , therefore I didn't get a set of wheels until after highschool. I went to college after graduation where the reality of college hit me, I simply did poorly. Then after that, I went into the military and when I got out of the military, I started dating. Of course I started dating once I got used to this whole "internet" thing. I haven't dated anyone I haven't met online first. My first date ever was at the age of 23. My teens and late teens, which were my High school years....... I was sitting at home doing nothing while all my classmates were partying and/or simply hanging out with friends.

My god I'd kill for those years back !!! Words can't even describe it.

 

[cmarlowe01]

Your missing out on a lot, not dating. I would say that when you get to college, pick one far away, get your cherry popped and continue having a great time. Your missing out on all the wonders of life.

 

[done_got_old]

Gee, how sad.

My sisters and I were always allowed to have boys visit. I can remember as early as 7, having boys come over to play. My parents never teased us about the boy being our 'boyfriend', they were just friends.

In 7th and 8th grades, a group of us (boys and girls) would walk to the local movie theater on Saturday afternoon. It wasn't an official date, since everyone paid their own admission. There wasn't any kissing or making out, probably because we were just friends hanging out.

In high school most kids didn't go on dates every weekend and like you, some weren't allowed to date. My friends and I were much too busy with school and church activities to have much time for formal dates, but we spent a lot of times in mixed groups. We spent hours and hours in rehearsals and practicing. We sometimes studied all day preparing for finals.......or in the library writing papers.

What did the experience do for me? I learned that boys and girls were more alike than different. I learned that boys hurt when relationships ended. I learned how to get their attention - the positive attention. I learned how to listen and to talk to them. I knew that boys weren't the 'evil' things some of my friends had been taught. I learned to trust.

 

[done_got_old]

You're missing out on a lot, not dating. I would say that when you get to college, pick one far away, get your cherry popped and continue having a great time. You're missing out on all the wonders of life.

I'm not sure I would go that far. I think that's what many people do and soon regret it. When the time is right, you'll know it. Just going out looking for quick lay isn't always the right answer.

I would agree with the suggestion to go away to college. Select your college based on what you want to study instead of how far away it is; far away to cut the apron strings, but close enough to come home for regular visits. My son started at a local university, but lived on campus. I stayed home and attended a local college.

 

[Cathleen]

I didn't date in high school but my parents would have allowed it.....

What has struck me with these responses is the thought that at some magical moment in time or experience you no longer have fear, doubts, failures etc. Learning is life long. Learning about a potential partner takes a long time - there is no magic time in my opinion.

As long as we continue to move in a positive direction of learning about ourselves and others then that is best. Just because someone dated or didn't date during high school doesn't mean they got a special memo about dating.

Dating is about learning, each date is another lesson - about yourself mostly and the parnet secondarily. As we mature we learn more about ourselves and what we'd like....... it is a life experiment.

 

[Eritz]

Dating is to me really a bit of a lost concept, in the UK it doesn't seem to be as big an aspect of the whole realtionship tree as seems to be in America. Certainly amongst the people I know this is true, people to tend up just getting off with people and developing something out the back of that rather than making specific dates. Maybe it's just the crowd I hang out with though as we're a pretty extreme bunch.

 

[shysmoothlove]

Interesting comments from all. I think Cathlene and done_got_old have some great thoughts on this subject.

First, everyone has different ideas on dating. For the purpose of my response, I understand this to mean more about being alone with someone from the opposite sex than going out to have sex. More than lessons in relationships, I think dating when you are younger teaches you to be more comfortable in these situations. Even casual, non dating situations like those DGO described are valuable to teach us about the other sex. And as Cathleen said, every date is different and every relationship is different. The most difficut thing is to learn to relax and be true to yourself and your own feelings.

 

[Cathleen]

Interesting comments from all. I think Cathlene and done_got_old have some great thoughts on this subject.

First, everyone has different ideas on dating. For the purpose of my response, I understand this to mean more about being alone with someone from the opposite sex than going out to have sex. More than lessons in relationships, I think dating when you are younger teaches you to be more comfortable in these situations. Even casual, non dating situations like those DGO described are valuable to teach us about the other sex. And as Cathleen said, every date is different and every relationship is different. The most difficut thing is to learn to relax and be true to yourself and your own feelings.

You certainly hit it on the head for me with:
The most difficut thing is to learn to relax and be true to yourself and your own feelings.

That is true of any relationship in our lives. When I was younger I found it difficult to be 'me'. I was looking to someone else for the direction for my life. There is a big perk to age - you begin to know yourself in a far deeper way and being yourself is just easier (IMHO). Any experience brought forward will help with the next experience. I'm absolutely sure had I dated in high school I would have had more information/experience to draw from and bring forward. Not having it isn't always a detriment, I guess 'late bloomers' is something that might fit here.

 

[Cantankerous]

What I never understood, is how parents can just 'not allow' their kids to date. How they can control it. Do they go beserk when their daughters merely talk with someone of the opposite sex? When they just want to hang out with friends? And besides, how can they enforce it? Seems... illogical.

Dating is just another lesson in the school of life. It's one thing to be against dating and to be against something like your kids ending up with STDs, as the latter is certainly understandable. Dating is harmless. Doesn't seem right to deprive anyone of it, especially at the high school age, when you're almost an adult.

I started dating in the 9th grade, but then again, it wasn't exactly dating... We just spent tons of time together, walking around, being at eachother's houses, etc. Not to mention that my first boyfriend and I never even shared a kiss. It was just one of those things that make your life brighter.

 

[Eilan]

What I never understood, is how parents can just 'not allow' their kids to date. How they can control it. Do they go beserk when their daughters merely talk with someone of the opposite sex? When they just want to hang out with friends? And besides, how can they enforce it? Seems... illogical.

How can I control it? How can I enforce it? I'M THE PARENT! Parents NEED to set limits. That's not illogical--it's their job, and they should be DOING it! The teen pregnancy rate where I live would suggest to me that they're NOT doing their job.

I have four daughters, none of whom are close to being old enough to date. I'm not going to go berserk when they talk to boys, but they're not going to be 12, 13, 14 years old and walking or cruising around town on Friday and Saturday nights getting into God-knows-what. I'm not naive; I know what kinds of things kids get into. I went to school with a classmate who, the summer between fifth and sixth grade, lost her virginity behind the local skating rink. Her parents dropped her off there and picked her up a couple of hours later, apparently none the wiser.

I didn't date all that much in when I was in school, being a geek and all, but when I was in junior high and early high school, my mom used to take me to the movie theater to meet my dates. (For some reason, I didn't feel comfortable bring anyone home, though I could have and did on occasion.) I was also allowed to go to parties and other special events.

I wasn't allowed to "car date" until I was 16, with two exceptions: I was invited to the prom my freshman and sophomore years and I was allowed to ride with my date and another couple.

I'll probably use the same approach with my kids--it'll be on a case-by-case basis. Fortunately, my husband has to qualify annually on the use of a firearm, so any boys who want to date my girls will know what they're getting into beforehand.

 

[phoenix6666]

done_got_old: I'm 23, male, graduated with 2 engineering degrees from a local college just down the street to help the family save money.

cmarlowe01: Do guys have cherries?

It seems that most of the perspectives here are from women or parents, which I totally respect. If I ever have daughters, I would probably lock them up till they were 30.

*Sidenote: This is annoying because I accidentally deleted my first reply without posting so I'm having to go through it again.

I've never been a rebellious kid. Calling me a mama's boy wouldn't be too far off. I've generally just accepted the rules set down by my parents without really questioning them. They didn't want me to drugs or smoke or drink so I haven't done any of those things. They didn't want me to get hurt so I didn't play any organized sports. They wanted me to study so I studied. Life was basically like this till my sophomore year in high school when I accidentally got involved with the drama kids. That changed my life forever. The next 3 years were the best and worst years of my life. My grades began to falter but in its place I learned so much about the world I would never have learned otherwise. Sometimes now, I talk about it with my parents, carefully since they were very anti-drama, and even they agreed that there were some good things that came out of the experience. So I find myself wondering if I should have pushed the boundary on dating. But then there's a line that comes back to me that my mother said.

One day, I was talking about what was going on with my friends and school, who was seeing who and my mother's response was a warning not to get involved with girls because "at this point in time, it's just puppy love and doesn't mean anything." This warning was reiterated many more times whenever a girl would call my house, usually to get help with some homework. But it didn't matter, if it was a girl, I got the warning again. So eventually, when I did start to develop feelings for a few girls, that message would pop up in my mind and I would back down without really trying.

To this day, that warning still comes flashing back whenever I get the slightest feelings for a girl. And I don't know how to discern between real love or hormones. I don't feel any more mature because in order to mature, you need experience which I have none of. Yet, I seriously feel I'm missing out on something in life, something valuable, something I should have. And as I stated before, I feel it's too late to do anything about it. And again, this isn't the only reason I don't date but it is a big one.

And to make things even more interesting, I'm chinese and was raised chinese which puts a whole new spin on things, most of which people can't understand.

Sorry to rant like this but it's been bugging me for a while and I kinda needed to talk about it.

 

[Bobmi357]

After a few aborted dates in high school I gave up and spent the rest of my high school years perfecting my nerdiness.

To parents I would say, encourage your children to date, but be sensible about it. Lay out ground rules, like on school nights be home by 10pm, on weekends be home by midnight. Let them know that they can always call you for a ride. Let them know you'd rather they call you drunk than attempting to be in a car with a drunk driver, or worse, a teenage drunk driver.

If you treat your children like children they will act like children, but if you show them some respect and give them enough headway to show you trust their judgement, in most cases you'll be rewarded with level headed kids.

Parents, don't do what my parents did and ignore the issue of sex entirely. I learned about it from friends and porn. Gee Thanks Mom and Dad.

Go out, date, meet people, explore who you are and what your needs are as you explore the needs of others. This doesn't mean falling into bed with everyone. Just go out and have fun. Its gets easier with practise.

 

[Cantankerous]

How can I control it? How can I enforce it? I'M THE PARENT! Parents NEED to set limits. That's not illogical--it's their job, and they should be DOING it! The teen pregnancy rate where I live would suggest to me that they're NOT doing their job.

Not quite the way I meant it. The 'how' was literally 'how'. Some kids really do listen to their parents. Advice, restrictions, etc. Others don't. You say: "Do this", and they simply ignore you. Although I guess that then again, it just shows that the parent has never actually been a parent to them. It's a bit sad and irritating to see things like that... Selfish, rude teenagers and parents that just can't control them. Sigh... Ah well, I'm getting off topic.

 

[Eritz]

How can I control it? How can I enforce it? I'M THE PARENT! Parents NEED to set limits. That's not illogical--it's their job, and they should be DOING it! The teen pregnancy rate where I live would suggest to me that they're NOT doing their job.

To me this is just wholy the wrong attitude. If your kids are going to go out and have sex you obviously don't want them getting pregnant, neither do they due to the social stigma attached, the stress financially and emotionally. If you don't want teenagers getting pregnant then teach them about sex, condoms and other forms of contraceptives which will help stop them getting pregnant. Make sure they know that abortion is an option as well as the other methods of termination available on a day after basis. Placing a ban on something just attaches a social stigma to it that makes people want to go out there and do it, look at the Dutch attitude to drugs for example, they have less of a problem with cannabis since it's decriminalised, people are socially educated on it and they don't feel the need as much to join in to be in with the cool kids gang.

Kids are going to go out there and have sex anyway and if I was a parent I'd much rather my child knew the score rather than hold common urban myth rumous as facts like 'you cant get pregnant the first time' or 'it's okay if he pulls out before he cums'.

 

[Eilan]

To me this is just wholy the wrong attitude.

Nowhere in my post did I say that I wasn't going to talk to my kids about sex. They're not yet old enough to have discussions that go beyond "how babies are made." That time is coming, but it's not quite here yet--my oldest child is 7.

Furthermore, nowhere in my post did I say that I wasn't going to allow my kids to date. When I was a teen, I had rules to follow. My kids will also follow rules that my husband and I set down for them. That's not unreasonable--that's parenting. Despite my geekiness, I had a pretty active social life (even if it didn't always involve boy-girl dates). I also found that my parents (my mom mostly) could be pretty flexible if need be. This is what I aspire to.

So what's the RIGHT attitude? Is it to say, "Okay girls, since you're going to have sex anyway, why don't you invite your boyfriend over to spend the night any time you want?" My mom always told me that I shouldn't have sex with just anybody--it should be with someone special. While I think she really meant for me to wait until marriage to have sex (in which case she was disappointed), what she accomplished with that advice was to make me picky. I didn't want to climb into the backseat of someone's car on the first date--I deserved better than that. My girls deserve better than that, too. And if that's the wrong attitude, I'll not apologize for it.

Cantankerous, sorry about taking your post at face value when I shouldn't have. I've had some encounters with some really crappy parents lately. They're too busy being the best friend, not being the parent. That's why I reacted the way I did.

 

[Eritz]

My mom always told me that I shouldn't have sex with just anybody--it should be with someone special. While I think she really meant for me to wait until marriage to have sex (in which case she was disappointed), what she accomplished with that advice was to make me picky. I didn't want to climb into the backseat of someone's car on the first date--I deserved better than that.

To me though, whether a teenager will climb into the back of a car to fuck on the first date or make it a special night of passion after six months of deveoping a relationship has absoloutely nothing at all to do with the parent and how they attempt to control the situation (or not as the case may be).

So you say your mum told you to have sex with someone special, and that has made you picky. Sorry my parents never said anything to me about waiting for the right the person or anything about sex in general and I'm also a very picky person as well who looks for a certain something in someone before comiting to a physical relationship with them. So we share similair views upon sex despite different parent techniques in reacing them.

"Okay girls, since you're going to have sex anyway, why don't you invite your boyfriend over to spend the night any time you want?"

Why not? I don't have kids so maybe what I'm saying here could be taking woefully out of context but this sounds like the exact sort of attitude that I would use with my kids. Maybe change it a bit so it has to be alright with the other childs parents as well out of respect for their right to raise their child how they want even if I disagree with it. It prevents kids sneaking about or outright lying to your face about what they are getting up to, making kids sneak about to have sex makes the kids start to associate negative feelings of wrongness with sex since they are forced to hide it. In exactly the same way parents can make feel kids guilty about smoking or taking drugs when they really shouldn't feel guilty about excercising their own personal life syle choices.

Kids will in the end be kids and grow up by their own set of rules and values which are defined by their own culture, one which you most likely will know nothing about regardless of what you think, it's called the generation gap for a reason. You can see examples of it gone awry very often in the news, the way the pop media wants to blame a game like Grand Theft Auto for two kids taking a gun and shooting at cars off a freeway, the fact drugs are demonised without ever addressing the harmless/positve side of them and Marilyn Manson blamed for causing kids to kill other kids. Three popular bits of media culture which the older generation lack a knowledge off except what is presented by a biased media which ends up with adults woefully attempting to control their children with regards to these areas of our society.

 

[SweetErika]

<snip>
To this day, that warning still comes flashing back whenever I get the slightest feelings for a girl. And I don't know how to discern between real love or hormones. I don't feel any more mature because in order to mature, you need experience which I have none of. Yet, I seriously feel I'm missing out on something in life, something valuable, something I should have. And as I stated before, I feel it's too late to do anything about it. And again, this isn't the only reason I don't date but it is a big one.

And to make things even more interesting, I'm chinese and was raised chinese which puts a whole new spin on things, most of which people can't understand.

Sorry to rant like this but it's been bugging me for a while and I kinda needed to talk about it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you're projecting the past onto the present and future. The fact that you got a later start than some people doesn't it's too late to experience and learn now. As Cate said, you never stop learning, so you're not really behind after all? You're always going to have trouble reading some people and situations, and feel some self-doubt, but again, that's completely normal. Maturity may be related to experience in some ways, but I've know people twice your age who have tons of experience yet are incredibly immature. Why? Because they have failed to learn and grow. If you're willing to TRY, you've got a head start on maturity.

 

[phoenix6666]

Erika, sorry to confuse you somehow. As far as imprinting past onto present and future, I'm not sure what you mean by that. If you assumed that I have dated but started late, then I should let you know that I haven't dated at all yet. Else, thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[amraam840]

Well, this has been quite a discussion... Hm, here's my little story, wonder if anyone can relate?

My parents never had a problem with me dating, we were all open about who I liked and why and such. I just never went out except for with friends or church or whatever harmless stuff I did back then. Hm, end of freshman year and Mom moves away to drive a big rig (school bus driver pays shit) so now it's Dad's house and Dad's rules. Sophmore year wandered around to meet me, still never having been out with a girl, and lo and behold, I met someone I just clicked with. Of course I didn't ask her out until a mutual friend told me she told him to tell me... she wanted me. Um so a first kiss and few days later, dad switches it all up on me. He didn't care about meeting her parents or whatevercrap, but no longer could I go to church or hang out with friends without him thinking I was off getting into trouble with this girl. Who by the way had done nothing wrong to my knowledge, but Dad didn't like that fact she was a foster kid, must be bad or something. Well close to a year later, I left her for someone else. That's not the worst part though. The girl I left her for lived in Washington state and me in sunny CA. No we didn't meet online, we met through our mutual friends who were seeing each other. So this girl and I were in this 'long-distance' relationship now. Yeah, go ahead think it, it's all true. *shakes head* Well, rules change again. Since I was sooooo in loooove with Seattle girl and she with me. Our parents agreed it was okay and even encouraged us dating? Yeah, I still forked the $150 airfare, which I later reduced to $100 due to good research abilities outside expedia. um yeah, I paid and was allowed to fly about 700 miles away from home but still couldn't go to church (now in youth leadership) without an eyebrow of suspicion being raised... My trucker-mom even drove me up there once in her rig when she had a load from LA to Sea-Tac.

So in the Redmond, WA region, we were under her parents supervision and guidelines. She was a year older than I but still neither of us drove for about a year. But on the occasions I went to see her, they let us sleep together. My dad and stepmom were reluctant to the idea when she came down to visit me but her parents talked them into it. Go figure, I can sleep with Seattle girls but can't go to church without the eyebrow... And towards the grand finale of our courtship, they drove her down so we could go to a 4 day music festival in Monteray where we had our own very private campsite...

Any parents in here encouraging their kids to go ahead with the long-distance thing? Well guess how that turns out...

Anyway after months of self pity and solitude, I claw out of my singularity and hook up with AirForce girl. She hadn't shipped out yet (deferred entry), but I knew she would. We hooked up on my 18th bday and were cool for 2 mos before she went to BT. Parents still encouraged love and all.

Well that was the last girl I truly loved, I've been too busy with work to have a social life, and then I found substances that make time of ill-importance.. I dunno why, but I didn't date much then, or even after I moved out. I had a lot of friends and even more customers but no g/f for a long assed time.

I blame my parents on how attracted I am to women who are geographically unattainable, enlisted, or asian. Actually I can't explain the asians...

Any parents that would've done this different? I'd like to know more for when I get some kids.

 

[User_Name]

It's irresponsible to encourage too much promiscous behaviour in young kids and teens, but it's equally destructive to restrict them from following their natural urges as and when they reach the age to take an interest by force.

We have allowed our kids to be kids, and we have allowed them to explore their being and take close friends of any gender they choose... But we have pounded the need for caution and safety into their heads at every stage in their development, it seems to have worked Ok with ours.

I think it's a cultural thing though by the stories that flow from here and other sites, some cultures are more religious and strict than others... we in the UK tend to be very laid back about such things in general.

 

[SweetErika]

Erika, sorry to confuse you somehow. As far as imprinting past onto present and future, I'm not sure what you mean by that. If you assumed that I have dated but started late, then I should let you know that I haven't dated at all yet. Else, thanks for the words of encouragement.

No, I understand you haven't started to date, which is a bit of a puzzle if you feel like you're been missing out and "should have". To clarify... by projecting the past onto the future, I mean it sounds like you're viewing your lack of experience as something that will defeat you in the future, or you're sort of destined to fail, or are always going to be "behind" because of it.

 

[Mary Hall]

I`m 24 years old and my dad won`t let me look at porn for fuck sake, i`ve already seen men and women naked, and i don`t get what the fuck his problem is

 

[phoenix6666]

No, I understand you haven't started to date, which is a bit of a puzzle if you feel like you're been missing out and "should have". To clarify... by projecting the past onto the future, I mean it sounds like you're viewing your lack of experience as something that will defeat you in the future, or you're sort of destined to fail, or are always going to be "behind" because of it.

Gosh, besides being gorgeous, you're also an empath. You've hit it right on the button. It's because that I haven't yet, it seems I never will. In my mind, I feel that I should be at a certain level, possessing certain elements of knowledge about relationships and the nuances thereof. Granted, that knowledge base will be constantly updated by each new experience but I feel that I should have started accumulating the basics a long time ago. To do so now would only bring folly. What I do "know" is from what I hear from other people such as yourselves and see on TV but it's not the same as actually experiencing them.

For example, say I had the great honor of taking you out on a date. I wouldn't even know what to do or where to start. What is the proper protocol? What are the do's and don'ts? What are the 'signs' of success and failure? I understand that it's different for each person, but I should have some kind of foundation with which to start and only need to make slight adjustments as the date progresses. But instead I would be feeling around totally blind. Not only would that be embarrassing for me, but I would imagine be completely awkward for you as well for I am not suave by any means. Bad luck has a tendency to follow me around wherever I go.

As far as the destined to fail goes, it seems what with each passing day, the lack of this knowledge makes my learning curve grow steeper and steeper. You would probably have a certain level of expectation of perhaps not specifically me, but of how the date would progress. But then I would be at such a lower level that it would only end in disappointment, regardless of what kind of person I am.

Hopefully, this makes the puzzle clearer.