Do you know any recovering ex-BDSMers?
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the captians wench
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I have a friend who while he was going thru a bout of depression stepped away from the life for a while. He said he couldn't trust himself with a sub if he was feeling doubts in himself. I think it's very wize of him, and when he's better he'll pick up a very lucky sub.
Softouch911
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I know several who "had" to leave ... i.e., life required them to play vanilla. And like Chicklet, I know people who went public who retreated to private ... but of course that's not the point.
Interesting.
Interesting.
the captians wench
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graceanne said:You mean their's no way out?
*screams*
Not for you my pretty!
*ebil giggles*
the captians wench
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graceanne said:
That's right....ebil giggles
NemoAlia
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For a while I was an ex-BDSM-er. But now I've returned to the fold.
I gave it up because I was in love with a vanilla guy. We married, and my husband's knowledge of my latent desires made him worry that I would cheat on him. To be honest, I probably would have wound up cheating on him, down the road, if things had stayed the way they were. But, you know, we divorced and I returned. (To BDSM and to these boards!)
Aside from giving it up for a specific vanilla person, I also know a few people who tried BDSM & didn't like it (you know, a night or a weekend) and a few people who, looking back, see it as a phase. You know, like "I was bisexual in college."
I gave it up because I was in love with a vanilla guy. We married, and my husband's knowledge of my latent desires made him worry that I would cheat on him. To be honest, I probably would have wound up cheating on him, down the road, if things had stayed the way they were. But, you know, we divorced and I returned. (To BDSM and to these boards!)
Aside from giving it up for a specific vanilla person, I also know a few people who tried BDSM & didn't like it (you know, a night or a weekend) and a few people who, looking back, see it as a phase. You know, like "I was bisexual in college."
catalina_francisco
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Didn't Mr. Blonde who used to post here make a rather dramatic exit declaring he was going vanilla (after meeting a vanilla woman he decided was for him) and we all needed to take a good look at ourselves and what we do?
Catalina
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catalina_francisco said:Didn't Mr. Blonde who used to post here make a rather dramatic exit declaring he was going vanilla (after meeting a vanilla woman he decided was for him) and we all needed to take a good look at ourselves and what we do?
Catalina
Ah, yes, the born-agains amuse me.
callinectes
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I sometimes wonder if I am cut out for this. Something happened with Daddy recently that really hurt my feelings. My normal way of dealing with such things is to withdraw and bury the hurt then re-emerge once the pain has subsided. Well, that's not an option in this relationship (my first D/s) and having to communicate with him and deal with the pain at the same time was horrible. Even though I chose to remain obedient at a time when I wanted to just be left alone, my heart wasn't in it. At all. The most difficult part of this realationship for me is giving him access to my mind. There are many times I question whether or not I really am submissive because I want to please him but I fight letting him get into my head.
Okay, sorry. I turned this into a thing about me.
To sorta answer the question..I don't know any ex-BDSMers but I may be one someday.
Okay, sorry. I turned this into a thing about me.
To sorta answer the question..I don't know any ex-BDSMers but I may be one someday.
the captians wench
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callinectes said:
It's a scary thing letting some one into your head. I tend to let people into my head sooner than I prolly should, mainly because I crave the mind fuck. It's harder to get into my heart than it is to get into my head, but this last experience had me a little gun shy about the whole mental aspect of things. I mean the real deep mental head trips, and recovering from some of the things I allowed to get in there is going to take some time. One thing I've noticed is that I've become much much more aware of who's around me at all times, when I go out side and such. It's understandable that letting some one in your head is hard to do, you have to be careful who you let in there.
Softouch911
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callinectes said:
I'm not submissive so I can't offer any insight, but I would feel the same. The best thing I've read on it was two chapters in Guy Baldwin's Slavecraft
If you want to think about it a little and see how the male slave/author of the chapters processed it, check out the essays on "Obedience" and on the specific part that worries you: "Transparency."
Best wishes,
ST
Softouch911
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Quint said:The problem for me is that, even without actively roleplaying, it's too easy to slip into a fake me. I have enough of a problem with overthinking sex as it is--introducing additional mental dialogue ("OK is he going to hurt me now? Do I obey him even though I don't want to? Am I pleasing him? Do I have the right to be worrying about my own pleasure now or should I just be concentrating on him?") is just asking for unrewarding sex. So I read and post here because a lot of the interests remain the same and I respect a lot of the people, but no, I don't consider myself a BDSMer or anything but a Quint.
Hope that makes sense!
It sounds to me like you'd be amazed to find how many people feel similar to you. Maybe not, but my girl says much the same things re: lifestyle protocols and traditions. She constantly says: "It is what it is." That functions as her definition ... sort of fatalist, but it satisfies her, and she obeys so we're both happy. "I'm not like that" is another of her favorite expressions.
When I was grappling with my own comfort level some time ago, my mentor gave me a couple of similar (cliche-type) guidelines:
If it ain't fun, don't do it.
K.I.S.S.
I suspect that's how "they" came up with all the rules in the first place, huh?
Respectfully,
ST
marieR19
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My ex. She didn't even know what bdsm was until I came along, and she got interested in it and eventually became my Mistress, but a few months after we broke up she admitted that she probably will never do anything like that again because it's just not her... She has a very dominate personality but she also has issues that makes her uncomfortable actually being a dom. So yeah.
Heather
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Amen to that and thank you for this post. It is EXACTLY how I think. After battling for some time to try and 'define' my relationship, I have finally given up and just accepted it for what it is... it doesn't seem to fit into into any particular label or category, so we've both decided to stop "aiming" for any kind of D/s SM ideal and to just "go with it".Quint said:
back onto the topic...
I knew a masochistic sub who left BDSM, after her Dom became abusive. (Something which took years for her to realise as it happened really slowly). I don't think she'll ever be able to trust anyone enough to go back again... (and to my knowledge she hasn't even dabbled)
Etoile
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Do you know any recovering ex-BDSMers?
No, but then again I support the removal of BDSM from the list of mental diseases, and in line with that I don't consider it something to recover from.
No, but then again I support the removal of BDSM from the list of mental diseases, and in line with that I don't consider it something to recover from.
A Desert Rose
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WriterDom said:
I can't go back. I don't know anyone who can, but then I don't know that many. Like you, I'm sure there are some who have.
Speaking strictly for myself so as not to piss anyone off: I'm selfish and my satisfaction matters to me. Being submissive is who I am. Denying that would not only be lying to myself and faking life but refusing myself the satisfaction that goes with accepting who I am. I'd be incomplete and therefore, of no use to anyone (especially myself).
