Do you have to be abused...

[NoJo]

...to write good SM?

The writers here that I've spoken to who've written really good SM all seem to have a first-hand knowledge of real-life abuse. Well, you might say, "well duh", "write what you know", etc, but it kind of leaves people like me, who've had a basically abuse-free life, wondering wtf I'm doing trying to write that stuff all the time...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Nope. You have to be a good writer.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I've written it - Not posted on Lit - but didn't really feel all that comfortable with it. Even after reading hundreds of stories and hours and hours of research I had this horrid fear that the BDSM people would shoot if full of holes left because of my ignorance.

 

[TxRad]

...to write good SM?

The writers here that I've spoken to who've written really good SM all seem to have a first-hand knowledge of real-life abuse. Well, you might say, "well duh", "write what you know", etc, but it kind of leaves people like me, who've had a basically abuse-free life, wondering wtf I'm doing trying to write that stuff all the time...

Nope, like she ^ said..... plus a good imagination and common sense help a lot also....

ETA: The ^ meant LH.... Not Jenny....

 

[TxRad]

I've written it - Not posted on Lit - but didn't really feel all that comfortable with it. Even after reading hundreds of stories and hours and hours of research I had this horrid fear that the BDSM people would shoot if full of holes left because of my ignorance.

Then ask one of the bdsm crowd to proof read for blunders.... they are a very helpful group as a whole and are very helpful if asked nicely.... or send me a sample and let me look it over... I have a little knowledge and have gotten good reviews from some of the regulars in the group....

 

[rgraham666]

I suppose that depends on what you mean by 'abused'.

As regulars here know, my growing up was anything but pleasant. But there was little physical abuse. And it got me thinking about power and its uses.

My sex life is mostly imaginary and pretty vanilla, so no experience there.

Still I seem to do all right writing BDSM.

 

[Stella_Omega]

It helps if you know about BDSM. The first stuff I wrote, before I got involved in actual play- is a little outlandish.

On the other hand.. If you've read Anne "Rampling"s "Sleeping Beauty" books- those things are as outlandish as it gets, and she and her husband were very much involved with the Janus society, the first of the SM communities.

Jen, if you want someone to vet your work for inaccuracies- in any erotic genre at all- just ask this board!

 

[Liar]

Sub Joe asked: Do you have to be abused to write good SM?

Dunno. Do you have to have been abused to practice SM? I'd think not. But then again, I don't do it.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

...to write good SM?

The writers here that I've spoken to who've written really good SM all seem to have a first-hand knowledge of real-life abuse. Well, you might say, "well duh", "write what you know", etc, but it kind of leaves people like me, who've had a basically abuse-free life, wondering wtf I'm doing trying to write that stuff all the time...

Good question, Joe.

I've been pondering things like this lately. Several of my recent stories seem to stem on the concept of people having been (or being) abused. I've wondered endlessly if what I'm writing has any real bearance on the realities of situations involving real-life abuse. Problem is, I don't want to ask someone who has been abused to read them, since I figure, if I succeeded in touching down on the issue... Well, what response will that bring? Within that reader I mean, and who am I to ask someone to read it with that possibility in place?

*shakes head*

Maybe I'll pick up some info. watching this thread, eh?

Q_C

 

[NoJo]

QC,

I think the SM thing is deep in certain peoples psyche, whether or not it was engendered by some real trauma.

I've trawled my own memory looking for the real-life trigger, but if there was one, it's impossible to distingish from my childhood imagination (which ironically is how a lot of real-life child abuse goes undetected and unpunished).

One thing is clear: Childhood abuse, whether real or imagined, is at the core of it, and that SM play is way of freeing demons. For many people too it's a way of ridding themsleves of the guilt.

Abuse is a broad term, and as such is so prevalent, that almost any of us can be said to have suffered it, particularly as child, when we were so much more open to it.

 

[NoRain]

...to write good SM?

The writers here that I've spoken to who've written really good SM all seem to have a first-hand knowledge of real-life abuse. Well, you might say, "well duh", "write what you know", etc, but it kind of leaves people like me, who've had a basically abuse-free life, wondering wtf I'm doing trying to write that stuff all the time...

I would think the psychology of the “sadist” and the “masochist”, or the “dominate” and the “submissive”, could be as individual as any other situation you can think of. Perhaps, taking on the “SM Scene” without some prior knowledge leaves you open for criticism, much like someone who knows nothing of the music scene writing a story about the mechanics of a struggling musician; but the internal dialogue and emotions, those I would think you could write without living it.

Peace,

NR

 

[arienette]

Do you have to have been abused to practice SM?

I asked my therapist about that, she still didn't give me a straight answer so I stopped asking.

 

[NoJo]

I do SM stuff, but I could care less about the "scene". As a writer I've always been more interested in the causes of sexual desire than by sexual practice itself.

 

[NoRain]

I do SM stuff, but I could care less about the "scene". As a writer I've always been more interested in the causes of sexual desire than by sexual practice itself.

Well, spiffy; there's your answer.

 

[NoJo]

I asked my therapist about that, she still didn't give me a straight answer so I stopped asking.

I stopped seeing my therapist after he was visibly disapproving when I described some of my SM practices, which are pretty tame and non-violent.

 

[arienette]

I stopped seeing my therapist after he was visibly disapproving when I described some of my SM practices, which are pretty tame and non-violent.

You need a better therapist.
My mind was set at ease when she told me that no, I was not a nympho because I enjoyed sex. And enjoying sex is not bad even though you've been abused, even sexually. People react different ways, etc. But the S&M stuff still boggles my mind...Oh well, I still like it and the boy isn't hurting me, so I suppose it's cool and I should stop wondering about it.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

QC,

I think the SM thing is deep in certain peoples psyche, whether or not it was engendered by some real trauma.

I've trawled my own memory looking for the real-life trigger, but if there was one, it's impossible to distingish from my childhood imagination (which ironically is how a lot of real-life child abuse goes undetected and unpunished).

Very true. Of course, the stories in question deal with adults and abuse. Not S&M, but abuse in general.

One thing is clear: Childhood abuse, whether real or imagined, is at the core of it, and that SM play is way of freeing demons. For many people too it's a way of ridding themsleves of the guilt.

Nicely said, but I challenge you on this (well, not exactly challenge, but I carry the question further):

Does the S&M actually "excerise the demons" in any way shape or form, or does it merely help to bring them to the surface, so we can confront them as a whole? Also, could S&M be a result of something unrelated to childhood abuse (depending to some extent on how specificly or broadly we're using the term)? It makes some sense to me (who doesn't practice S&M and therefore is purely speculating and is opening himself up to a bitch-slap on the topic) that an adult, being someone who is often in charge of things, might find some release in the form of S&M as well.

Abuse is a broad term, and as such is so prevalent, that almost any of us can be said to have suffered it, particularly as child, when we were so much more open to it.

Yeah. It's this broadness that made me feel more comfortable writing the stories in question. Generally, when writing something like this (meaning something I haven't experienced first hand, anything I haven't experienced first hand) I take something I have experienced, something that I feel similar though often to a lesser degree, and over-indulging, overextending the experience and the consequences of them. This, of course, is based on the idea that on base levels, we are all very similar, and that socialization can be under-indulged in order to create a believable character.

Q_C

 

[NoJo]

Well, spiffy; there's your answer.

The SM storiesI like to read and write are not really much to do with the BDSM scene. They don't feature role-play or equipment or revenge.

 

[NoJo]

so I suppose it's cool and I should stop wondering about it.

Worrying about it is bad. But wondering is good.

 

[yui]

Worrying about it is bad. But wondering is good.

I wonder sometimes ....



Nah, therein lies the path to madness.

Bummer, that.

 

[NoJo]

It makes some sense to me (who doesn't practice S&M and therefore is purely speculating and is opening himself up to a bitch-slap on the topic) that an adult, being someone who is often in charge of things, might find some release in the form of S&M as well.

About ten years ago I got into being a submissive for a while, which was partly caused by a desire to relinquish power (I was sort of fed up with being the Big Strong Man in my family, and also I was in a senior, well-paid job at work).

On the other side,

Not five minutes ago I saw a scene from a 1965 episode of "The Avengers", with Diana Rigg dressed in a leather catsuit, tied to a table. I fucking remember seeing that the first time round! It gave me a hardon to see that scene when I was seven, and made a lasting impression. Now *that's* puzzling to me: Where the kinks come from.

 

[SamK]

Well yea it helps if u can know what your talking about n the best way to learn is by livin it

 

[rgraham666]

Not five minutes ago I saw a scene from a 1965 episode of "The Avengers", with Diana Rigg dressed in a leather catsuit, tied to a table. I fucking remember seeing that the first time round! It gave me a hardon to see that scene when I was seven, and made a lasting impression. Now *that's* puzzling to me: Where the kinks come from.

I remember that one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, hmm.
I know that my childhood sexual fantasies were all S&M.
And I remember the adult brother of my best friend who wanted to lay on top of me, and who asked me to touch what looked, to me, like a skinned turkey neck. But- and I am not being flippant here- all of his shenanigans had nothing to do with sex as I knew it at seven years old. It made no difference to me at all, as far as my sexuality goes, although it was obvious he was a creep, and we didn't like him.

I have no other abuse in my past whatsoever, of any other sort...

 

[Liar]

Isn't sadism just to get turned on by delivering physical pain, and masochism to get turned on by recieving physical pain?

And an act of SM sex is what happens when a sadist and a masochist get together to get their rocks off.

I must say that I've heard about much more outlandish things to get turned on by, and I fail to see why there seems to be a general assumption that there must be a deep rooted trauma behind said kink.

What am I missing?