Do I have a problem?

[Marquis]

It was very refreshing when I first discovered this site because I began to feel a lot more normal about my feelings for BDSM and things like that. It was very cathartic for me to be able to talk about things like wanting to sexually humiliate and degrade women and getting a positive respone. It made me feel a little better about the feelings that I have always had, but my insecurity is starting to return.

I always knew BDSM was for me before I even knew it existed. I love women of all types, but I have always been attracted to strong, intelligent women. When it comes to sex however, I always knew I wanted someone to be subservient to me and someone who didn't mind a little abuse. I can get very animalistic and creative during sex, and it wasn't easy repressing those desires out of fear of how my partner would react.

When I finally met my most recent girlfriend, I become comfortable enough with her that I told her about some of my feelings. She asked me what one of my sexual fantasies were and I told her I would love to play at raping her. I was sure she was going to think I was a mysogynistic psycho, but it turned out she was all for it and we began to explore the world of BDSM together.

Anyway, three years later, her feelings have changed. Although there were a lot of times where it felt like she was even more into it than I was, she was growing decreasingly turned on by the sexual style. I began to feel really awkward because here was a person that I had already opened the door with, and now I could feel it shutting. We started to become pretty sexually incompatible. My question then, of whether or not I have a problem is based on sever points:

1 I am at a point where I feel like I NEED BDSM to get turned on in sex. Is this normal, especially with me being so young (20)? I could barely stay interested with me just thrusting my penis in and out of her vagina until we orgasmed. I wanted to smack her ass, call her names and pull her hair; all things she no longer tolerated. Sometimes when we were in the middle of intercourse the urge to get rough or assert my dominance in some way was so strong that I had to stop entirely for fear of unleashing my true self on her. I am no longer with her, and I am very concerned that the next person I find myself with may not be into BDSM, and I am very worried about how much I am limiting myself by only being able to be with women who are into that. Am I normal for needing it so badly?

2 I sometimes feel like I might be sexually INSATIABLE. Given the oppurtunity I could probably have sex for an unlimited number of times in a row. I understand different people may have different sexual drives, but I am concerned that I will EVER be able to find a woman who could tolerate my need for sex. Should I be looking for a hornier woman or should I be looking for help for myself? Is it possible I am addicted to sex or something like that?

3 I almost always treat BDSM as something to remain in the bedroom and nothing more. My last girlfriend and I would sometimes play at her being my slave for a day or something like that, but it would never really work out. That was fine, because like I said, outside of the bedroom I want a much different woman than I do inside the bedroom. My only problem is this, even though I know its a game, it feels very real to me when we are playing. While for my girlfriend I guess it was always very mental, she just wanted to feel like I wanted to give her pain or whatever, for me it was more. When we were fucking or "playing" I would often really want to hurt her. Not in any kind of serious way, but just enough to make her whimper a little. It seems to me like a lot of people on this board are more into the DS than the SM, but I really think I am into both. There is a question I cant help but ask myself though, is it ok to get turned on by hurting someone, and does it mean I dont care about them enough if I want them to feel pain when we have sex?

4 Also, as a final thing, I really really like anal a lot. Almost anytime I am fucking a girls pussy I think about how much better I would like it if it were in her ass. This has been a problem too, since no woman wants (or can take) anal as much as I would like to dish it out.

Anyway, give me your diagnosis Litsters, is Marquis one sick cookie, or is there hope for me after all?

 

[WriterDom]

Looks like you are going east, and she is going west. I don't see a lot of hope for the relationship as you describe it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but your age might make it hard to find the right match with you. There are youngish subs. They tend to look for older men. You may have better luck in dating vanilla girls and introducing them to kink.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Anyway, give me your diagnosis Litsters, is Marquis one sick cookie, or is there hope for me after all?

You are who you are. Some of us did not find ourselves until we were much older. In that you are fortunate.


Perhaps you might find an older sub, who might be able to understand your struggle, and enhance your knowledge.

The problem I see with young Doms and young subs (males), is that they tend to think vanilla, but want to behave dominant.

It rarely seems to work out.

If you are not looking for a life partner, maybe an older submissive might be the ticket.

Eb

 

[SexyChele]

Without knowing you very well, I would agree with both WD and Eb - your age is probably working against you. Not certain about the older sub thing. I know I would never, ever consider a Dominant who was more than just a couple of years younger than me. And I personally have no interest in teaching a Dom, though I do know there are subs who wouldn't mind this.

My suggestion would be to try to find a Dominant who is willing to mentor you. You already seem to know what you need (a good thing), but I sense some internal turmoil. An experienced Dominant who is older and has been in the lifestyle can help you find ways to feel secure about who you are and can also help you to find ways in which to locate partners who would be more in tune with your sexuality.

Mentoring can be a slower process than just finding some girl to fuck, but I think in the long run it would boost your confidence and help you make good decisions regarding partners in the future.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Without knowing you very well, I would agree with both WD and Eb - your age is probably working against you. Not certain about the older sub thing. I know I would never, ever consider a Dominant who was more than just a couple of years younger than me. And I personally have no interest in teaching a Dom, though I do know there are subs who wouldn't mind this.

My suggestion would be to try to find a Dominant who is willing to mentor you. You already seem to know what you need (a good thing), but I sense some internal turmoil. An experienced Dominant who is older and has been in the lifestyle can help you find ways to feel secure about who you are and can also help you to find ways in which to locate partners who would be more in tune with your sexuality.

Mentoring can be a slower process than just finding some girl to fuck, but I think in the long run it would boost your confidence and help you make good decisions regarding partners in the future.

You hit the exact word, chele, mentoring. That is excellent advice.

Eb

 

[Pure]

"Marquis" said:

1 I am at a point where I feel like I NEED BDSM to get turned on in sex. Is this normal, especially with me being so young (20)? I could barely stay interested with me just thrusting my penis in and out of her vagina until we orgasmed. I wanted to smack her ass, call her names and pull her hair; all things she no longer tolerated. Sometimes when we were in the middle of intercourse the urge to get rough or assert my dominance in some way was so strong that I had to stop entirely for fear of unleashing my true self on her. [...]Am I normal for needing it so badly?

2 I sometimes feel like I might be sexually INSATIABLE. Given the oppurtunity I could probably have sex for an unlimited number of times in a row. I understand different people may have different sexual drives, but I am concerned that I will EVER be able to find a woman who could tolerate my need for sex. Should I be looking for a hornier woman or should I be looking for help for myself? Is it possible I am addicted to sex or something like that?

My comments, purely my own pov, but who came into this realm, like many other 'boomers' of the 60s.

A) I think you should expect some changes; I'm not sure many have nailed down an identity--this is me-- in their 20s, if you look at some of the life stories posted here.

B) Questions of 'normal,' of pathology or 'needing help' depend not so much on the description "I like my sex this way and that", but on your general functioning, holding a job, or studying, having relationships that seem rewarding, etc. So, leaving aside violations of the law, any practice might be 'normal'. At the same time any sexual practice or leaning, esp. if carried to an extreme--like trying to get laid by a couple strangers every day--might indeed interfere with functioning, and, in that sense, could be a problem; though Casanovas don't often turn up in psychotherapists' offices.

However, a 'real' problem--not just in the mind-- might be said to be one that will get you arrested, and letting loose and unduly roughing up someone who doesn't want that, might, if you do it, bring you in that direction.

C) If I may say, based on experience, your focus is perhaps unduly sexual (though that may be because you limited your story and questions). Surely a minority of women as so constituted as to make certain activities, and their frequency, primary, especially after youthful 15-25 experimentation is achieved. Hence it may well be unproductive to look for the 5 times a day, anally focussed, etc. girl friend. If you can make a good relationship, treat her well, and she loves you, she'll probably accomodate a lot of your leanings. Surely for a vast majority of women, the 'super-horniness' you look for is going to depend on context, not just biological drive and the availability and readiness of a sex partner. It's a vast generality, but "women ain't like men" in this respect. You know the saying: "Women need a reason for sex; men just need a place."

Just some thoughts. You'll decide on your course by your own 'best lights.'

 

[zipman]

<snip>
My question then, of whether or not I have a problem is based on sever points:

1 I am at a point where I feel like I NEED BDSM to get turned on in sex. Is this normal, especially with me being so young (20)? I could barely stay interested with me just thrusting my penis in and out of her vagina until we orgasmed. I wanted to smack her ass, call her names and pull her hair; all things she no longer tolerated. Sometimes when we were in the middle of intercourse the urge to get rough or assert my dominance in some way was so strong that I had to stop entirely for fear of unleashing my true self on her. I am no longer with her, and I am very concerned that the next person I find myself with may not be into BDSM, and I am very worried about how much I am limiting myself by only being able to be with women who are into that. Am I normal for needing it so badly?

2 I sometimes feel like I might be sexually INSATIABLE. Given the oppurtunity I could probably have sex for an unlimited number of times in a row. I understand different people may have different sexual drives, but I am concerned that I will EVER be able to find a woman who could tolerate my need for sex. Should I be looking for a hornier woman or should I be looking for help for myself? Is it possible I am addicted to sex or something like that?

3 I almost always treat BDSM as something to remain in the bedroom and nothing more. My last girlfriend and I would sometimes play at her being my slave for a day or something like that, but it would never really work out. That was fine, because like I said, outside of the bedroom I want a much different woman than I do inside the bedroom. My only problem is this, even though I know its a game, it feels very real to me when we are playing. While for my girlfriend I guess it was always very mental, she just wanted to feel like I wanted to give her pain or whatever, for me it was more. When we were fucking or "playing" I would often really want to hurt her. Not in any kind of serious way, but just enough to make her whimper a little. It seems to me like a lot of people on this board are more into the DS than the SM, but I really think I am into both. There is a question I cant help but ask myself though, is it ok to get turned on by hurting someone, and does it mean I dont care about them enough if I want them to feel pain when we have sex?

4 Also, as a final thing, I really really like anal a lot. Almost anytime I am fucking a girls pussy I think about how much better I would like it if it were in her ass. This has been a problem too, since no woman wants (or can take) anal as much as I would like to dish it out.

Marquis,

Thanks for posting such honest and difficult questions about yourself. As I have gone through a similar introspective process recently, I will share my opinions and comments about your situation.

1) If anything, I think recognizing your preferences at such an early age speaks to how introspective you are. This is not a bad thing. It does sound to me as if you do need BDSM in your life. I struggled with this for more than a few years, and realized I needed it when I had fucked the gf I had 5 times in one day and still felt unsatisfied. It led me to ask myself a lot of the same questions that you are. This does limit your choices a bit, but should result in greater happiness in the end.

2) I could have stated the same thing except I finally did find a woman that not only could keep up with me, but that enjoyed every second of keeping up. In other words, woman like that exist, you just haven't found her yet.

3) This is a tough question and only one that you can answer. I struggled with it for a while, and finally found the answer for me. I am not interested in just giving pain. For me, if the pain I am inflicting does not excite the person I am giving it to, the act becomes devoid of pleasure. In other words, she has to "get off" on the fact that I'm spanking her, whipping her or just pinching her nipples. That made me feel better and allowed me to accept things easier. You have to examine what it is about your desires and reconcile them for yourself.

4) I love anal sex too. However, I find that I can usually fuck a woman harder in her pussy than in her ass. Therefore, I enjoy them both about the same. Again, I have met women who prefer anal over vaginal sex, although they are a definite minority.

Good luck to you Marquis, in finding your answers and enjoying your life. Some things just take time and patience.

Zip

 

[Marquis]

Thanks everyone for your comments, especially Zipman. It seems that I am in a position to be extremely satisfied with a woman compatible with me, but women who are compatible with me are rarer than plutonium.

I'm not sure if I should be encouraged or discouraged.

 

[zipman]

Thanks everyone for your comments, especially Zipman. It seems that I am in a position to be extremely satisfied with a woman compatible with me, but women who are compatible with me are rarer than plutonium.

I'm not sure if I should be encouraged or discouraged.

Definitely encouraged!

It's like a marathon. You're young, the journey can be hell a lot of fun, and you have "Extreme Satisfaction" waiting for you at the finish line.

Definitely encouraged!

 

[Marquis]

LOL, thats good stuff Zipman.

 

[Marquis]

Oh, and I totally agree with you about the woman needing to be turned on by the pain. Thanks for pointing that out, that actually was a very interesting point.

 

[zipman]

Oh, and I totally agree with you about the woman needing to be turned on by the pain. Thanks for pointing that out, that actually was a very interesting point.

I'm seriously glad you appreciate it. That point took a few years of painful introspection that often had me at the point of giving this all up. I only recently realized that it was the difference and that difference reconciled many of my concerns about my comfort with being sadistic.

After 15 years of slowly exploring BDSM at different times, by best advice is to continue be introspective and enjoy yourself. I often learned things the hard way, and worried way too much before I finally accepted my preferences for BDSM. Now I have a wonderful gf, who is also the best sub I have ever had!

Definitely encouraged!

 

[Pure]

Thanks everyone for your comments, especially Zipman. It seems that I am in a position to be extremely satisfied with a woman compatible with me, but women who are compatible with me are rarer than plutonium.

I'm not sure if I should be encouraged or discouraged.

Depending how you frame it, encouraged. Life is what happens along the way to these carefully formulated 'destinations.' The ideal woman, or 'AN ideal woman' need be no more unattainable than the ideal job, for the job that would perfectly satisfy is also
one in a million.

Be a little flexible and ready to 'smell the flowers' along the way. You should note too, that males like Zip who really 'prize' their partner are likely to find her wlling to do what's on a rather unusual list! Again I say, look to the nature of the relationship, more than the nature of the acts desired.

It's also worth mentioning that you are shaping yourself. The orgasm is a reinforcer par excellence; it's good to learn flexibility; let a woman indicate HER preferences and learn to take some satisfaction that way.

Your degree of honesty will probably be of great help, provided that like Zip, it seems to be coupled with genuine caring. (i.e., not completely narcissistic).

Be of good cheer.!

 

[Marquis]

I dont understand, are you insinuating I am being narcissistic? I am not trying to be belligerent, I am just curious if you think that is a problem for me?

 

[Pure]

I dont understand, are you insinuating I am being narcissistic? I am not trying to be belligerent, I am just curious if you think that is a problem for me?

No insinuations. I don't know you. Your introspection and account clearly suggest you are NOT entirely self absorbed.

On another note, ever read "At Home with the Marquis de Sade" by Gray? (there's a couple other decent bios, but this is the most readable) He himself was rather flexible (i.e., 'switchy') is how he took his pleasure.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thanks everyone for your comments, especially Zipman. It seems that I am in a position to be extremely satisfied with a woman compatible with me, but women who are compatible with me are rarer than plutonium.

I'm not sure if I should be encouraged or discouraged.

Since you are young, be positive and be encouraged.

Ebony

 

[SaltydogNH]

No problem, just potential

Having had preferences for BDSM for many years, and yet still able to enjoy a vanilla romp...

I can suggest that you might find that fantasy will get you over the hurdle.. and that your body will go on autopilot as needed once you have liftoff.

One of the issues with BDSM is that if you chase progressively more extreme sensations to exclusion, you have a dead end path, in that you are foregoing the available in search of the new and exotic.

Playing soft and hard makes the hard that much more notable...

regards

Salty

 

[Marquis]

[BOn another note, ever read "At Home with the Marquis de Sade" by Gray? (there's a couple other decent bios, but this is the most readable) He himself was rather flexible (i.e., 'switchy') is how he took his pleasure. [/B]

I've never read that book, but I was aware of deSade's flexibility through commentary on other works of his that I read. I dont think there is much sub in me, but I suppose I would be willing to experiment with that just to know for sure.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It was very refreshing when I first discovered this site because I began to feel a lot more normal about my feelings for BDSM and things like that. It was very cathartic for me to be able to talk about things like wanting to sexually humiliate and degrade women and getting a positive respone. It made me feel a little better about the feelings that I have always had, but my insecurity is starting to return.

I always knew BDSM was for me before I even knew it existed. I love women of all types, but I have always been attracted to strong, intelligent women. When it comes to sex however, I always knew I wanted someone to be subservient to me and someone who didn't mind a little abuse. I can get very animalistic and creative during sex, and it wasn't easy repressing those desires out of fear of how my partner would react.

When I finally met my most recent girlfriend, I become comfortable enough with her that I told her about some of my feelings. She asked me what one of my sexual fantasies were and I told her I would love to play at raping her. I was sure she was going to think I was a mysogynistic psycho, but it turned out she was all for it and we began to explore the world of BDSM together.

Anyway, three years later, her feelings have changed. Although there were a lot of times where it felt like she was even more into it than I was, she was growing decreasingly turned on by the sexual style. I began to feel really awkward because here was a person that I had already opened the door with, and now I could feel it shutting. We started to become pretty sexually incompatible. My question then, of whether or not I have a problem is based on sever points:

1 I am at a point where I feel like I NEED BDSM to get turned on in sex. Is this normal, especially with me being so young (20)? I could barely stay interested with me just thrusting my penis in and out of her vagina until we orgasmed. I wanted to smack her ass, call her names and pull her hair; all things she no longer tolerated. Sometimes when we were in the middle of intercourse the urge to get rough or assert my dominance in some way was so strong that I had to stop entirely for fear of unleashing my true self on her. I am no longer with her, and I am very concerned that the next person I find myself with may not be into BDSM, and I am very worried about how much I am limiting myself by only being able to be with women who are into that. Am I normal for needing it so badly?

2 I sometimes feel like I might be sexually INSATIABLE. Given the oppurtunity I could probably have sex for an unlimited number of times in a row. I understand different people may have different sexual drives, but I am concerned that I will EVER be able to find a woman who could tolerate my need for sex. Should I be looking for a hornier woman or should I be looking for help for myself? Is it possible I am addicted to sex or something like that?

3 I almost always treat BDSM as something to remain in the bedroom and nothing more. My last girlfriend and I would sometimes play at her being my slave for a day or something like that, but it would never really work out. That was fine, because like I said, outside of the bedroom I want a much different woman than I do inside the bedroom. My only problem is this, even though I know its a game, it feels very real to me when we are playing. While for my girlfriend I guess it was always very mental, she just wanted to feel like I wanted to give her pain or whatever, for me it was more. When we were fucking or "playing" I would often really want to hurt her. Not in any kind of serious way, but just enough to make her whimper a little. It seems to me like a lot of people on this board are more into the DS than the SM, but I really think I am into both. There is a question I cant help but ask myself though, is it ok to get turned on by hurting someone, and does it mean I dont care about them enough if I want them to feel pain when we have sex?

4 Also, as a final thing, I really really like anal a lot. Almost anytime I am fucking a girls pussy I think about how much better I would like it if it were in her ass. This has been a problem too, since no woman wants (or can take) anal as much as I would like to dish it out.

Anyway, give me your diagnosis Litsters, is Marquis one sick cookie, or is there hope for me after all?

Just keep it "safe, sane, and consensual"...it's the only way, folks.

See you at the munch.

 

[Marquis]

I want to bring back this topic briefly to ask another question.

Have any of you ever wavered in your desire for BDSM? I feel like my desire has steadily increased since I learned about it and have had experience with it, but as I said above, my ex-girlfriend used to be really into it but hates it now. My question to all of you is whether or not you think it is possible that she could become reingratiated to being my sub.

She and I are considering getting back together and whether or not I will be able to fulfill my need to dominate with her is a serious factor in whether or not I want her back. Do you think a true sub could waver in and out of a need for BDSM, or is it usually a "once you start you never look back" type of thing? I would feel a lot better if I knew it was possible that she's just not ready for it now, and may be later in life.

She now says that when we did it it was fun, but she just feels like she is done with that now. Let me know what you all think. Another thing to add though is the fact that she is also not NEARLY as horny as she used to be. My sexual apetite has always been a lot higher than hers, but she barely even gets wet anymore and she never initiates sex. I've always noticed that she gets kinkier when she's hornier, so I wasn't totally surprised with her lack of desire for kink since she hasn't been horny recently, but that doesnt fix the problem. I just wanted to offer the idea that maybe the root of the problem is her horniness and not her aversion to BDSM per se.

Anyway, I gave you all the info I could think of, let me know what you all think.

 

[silkee_A]

Sexual appetites can change like the direction of the wind, at least me for they do. As a female submissive I find that my sexual drive can be altered by numerous events that are occuring in my life. My Master knows me better than I do myself, he can sense when I'm "in the mood" and when I am not. For clarity, there are times when I do not physically want to do the "act" that he wants, but I do it because I am his and I want to please him. Do not think that I do not get pleasure from this. To me submission is not the sexual act it is the giving that gets me off. I could care less sometimes if I have an orgasm, for me to please him is just as pleasing to me and sometimes more so. I'm not sure if this post is on topic or not, but it's my two cents.

silkee_A

 

[silkee_A]

Marquis, As others have said here, you need to find the "right" person. When you do things will just mesh together nicely.

 

[UCE]

I want to bring back this topic briefly to ask another question.

"Have any of you ever wavered in your desire for BDSM?"

I've never wavered, but I've known plenty of people who have. Sometimes you really think you're going to love something and so you experiment with it and then you find out the real thing, or maybe even the real thing over a long time, isn't at all to your liking. Some people seem to _need_ bdsm to be a part of their lives. Others are far less taken with it.

"My question to all of you is whether or not you think it is possible that she could become reingratiated to being my sub.
She and I are considering getting back together and whether or not I will be able to fulfill my need to dominate with her is a serious factor in whether or not I want her back. Do you think a true sub could waver in and out of a need for BDSM, or is it usually a "once you start you never look back" type of thing? I would feel a lot better if I knew it was possible that she's just not ready for it now, and may be later in life."

I don't know enough about her and you to even begin to answer a question like this. It's very complex, but one thing you could do that might help you both get to the bottom of it is to find out why she wavered or is wavering, whatever. What were the real reasons behind that?

What you have said about yourself is much clearer, although I can't say for sure because you are at an age when radical personality changes are common, you _seem_ to be a person who needs bdsm rather than one who may like it Ok, but not require it or even someone who is just trying it out. I think you'd be happiest with a woman who felt the same way as you--that she needs it, but I can't say one way or another whether your girlfriend feels that way or not. Her wavering can just mean too many things. Like maybe she really loves bdsm but she got scared by something you did once and the fear overwhelmed her and made her think this stuff wasn't for her. Or maybe there is something else about the relationship that has nothing to do with bdsm that bothers her. Getting to the real answers to these questions isn't always easy or quick, because sometimes it's had for the person to admit them. I wish you the best with it.

"She now says that when we did it it was fun, but she just feels like she is done with that now."

Find out first if fear or trauma underlies that "I'm done with it now" statement.

"I just wanted to offer the idea that maybe the root of the problem is her horniness and not her aversion to BDSM per se."

That could very well be, too.

Marquis, if you have a very strong sex drive, you may be better off for a few years or even a decade or so with an older woman if the age difference isn't an issue for you. I mean older than their 30s. Many women in their 4th and 5th decades develop a sex drive that is on a par with what a guy feels in his late teens and 20s. This happens partially because of hormone changes but also partially because such women are no longer fighting the battles against insecurity and establishing themselves that they fought in their earlier decades. Many older women have come into their own, they're completely relaxed about sex and they know exactly what they want. And they want it now, LOL! A woman's sexual appetitie can get quite voracious during those decades. I've seen this happen over and over again with women I know.

If you find the right lady, she may even, to your great suprise, sexually tire _you_ out!

Unda

 

[UCE]

Sexual appetites can change like the direction of the wind, at least me for they do.

Silkee, you make a good point. In particular, a person's sexual drive can drop to next to zero if he or she is under unusual stress.
Marquis, is that true of your girlfriend at this time?

 

[Marquis]

Well, stress probably has partially to do with it, but I doubt it is everything. She is considerably less horny when she has a lot of things on her mind and she is trying hard in school. But she has been really horny when we were in school before and she hasn't been as horny even when we have had free time recently.

Also, even though I understand that stress can affect a sex drive, I think there is a degree of sensitivity to it that is extreme. I mean, we are NEVER going to be totally unstressed and I can't accept only having good sex on vacations. Besides, I am probably going to be working on Wall st. after I graduate and I will probably have a total of two weeks vacation time in my first two years at my firm. If its a serene lifestyle that she needs to feel horny, then its probably not going to happen.

Also, I have actually always wanted to fuck with an older woman, I just wouldn't know how to pick one up. I picked up a 29 year old at a bar once and she wouldnt shut up about how young I was (almost got me kicked out of the bar). When I finally got her back to my apartment she kept laughing at how "college" my apartment was, and by that time I was sobering up and she was getting less and less funny. I introduced her to my roommate (who ended up fucking her) and just smoked a joint and went to sleep.

Anyway, I would still love to hook up with an older woman sometime, I am just not sure where to meet them in my area. Also, how many older women wouldn't mind how yound I am?