Distance Domination-Support Thread

[the captians wench]

LOL. how cute.

I bet the look on your face was priceless!!

Nah. It was the same half head bow blushed cheeks eyes cast down I always get when I'm just slightly embarrassed.

Heh that's funny

Are collars cheaper at petsmart? I've always thought that they must be, but never bothered to check.

Depends. There is deffo a lot more choices, and I actually have different collars for different occations. However I have a thick neck, so the really cute ones are usually too small for me.

You have to either have a good poker face or balls of steal to buy them there, they will ask what kind of pet you have. But when you consider a pair of leather cuffs can run you around $25-$30 and a pair of cat collar can do the same job for under $10, it's usually worth a bit of blushed cheeks.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

You have to either have a good poker face or balls of steal to buy them there, they will ask what kind of pet you have. But when you consider a pair of leather cuffs can run you around $25-$30 and a pair of cat collar can do the same job for under $10, it's usually worth a bit of blushed cheeks.

Lol, or you could let your PYL buy them and when he's asked what kind of pet he has, he can be vaguely creative with his description..

 

[the captians wench]

Lol, or you could let your PYL buy them and when he's asked what kind of pet he has, he can be vaguely creative with his description..

In my bolder days I would try them on in the store and ask the sales clerk if they had a mirror.

Some say that the leather is inferior and that they use different chemicals to finish the leather than they do on human stuff, but I've never had issues. *shrug*

Oh, and every PYL type person in my life would rather send me and have me discribe the experience to them so they can watch me blush all over again.

 

[urh0227]

I'm a pyl who is in the 'get to know you' phase with an online PYL. We are getting on with each other really well and our conversations aren't just kink related...

This is my first forray into the BDSM world and therefore my first potential online PYL. Before I make any commitment to him is there any advice that you can give as to things to check or make sure of first.....I hope this question makes sense.

All responses welcome- I Would also love to hear about things started your first time.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

My 2 cents: a relationship is a relationship and if you aren't comfortable, don't let him or yourself convince it's OK due to BDSM-related-excuse-X. You and your safety are always, ALWAYS the first concern. Not love, not hurting feelings, nothing. There's time for all that once well being is insured . Safety aside, distance, online, whatever isn't much different than real life dating. Get to know each other, have fun, and you know what, don't be afraid to go on a limb and try.

If you'd like advice as to surviving distance relationships in general, I like to keep in mind that me and mine have little opportunity to get pissy with each other over the trivial day-to-day nonsense. We can establish a lot of understanding and connection without how someone squeezes their toothpaste getting in the way. In my relationship, I was also very stressed about it until I knew "the game plan" (to the point of breakdowns). If you're the sort of person who doesn't like huge questions like that, that's a good thing to establish, or at least talk about.

Hope I helped a little

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Tomorrow is my last day before I have to go home again :[ At least he's promised to finally get around to pulling out his ropes ^_^

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm a pyl who is in the 'get to know you' phase with an online PYL. We are getting on with each other really well and our conversations aren't just kink related...

This is my first forray into the BDSM world and therefore my first potential online PYL. Before I make any commitment to him is there any advice that you can give as to things to check or make sure of first.....I hope this question makes sense.

All responses welcome- I Would also love to hear about things started your first time.

Welcome to our little corner of the BDSM forum. Great to have you.

As far as advice goes here is my 2 cents. Did you meet your PYL on a on-line forum like here or Fetlife? I ask because I personally find it quite useful when I am getting to know someone to watch what they say on a social forum. It's not the same as being able to observe someone's actions in person but if you can see ow they react to controversy on a forum that can tell you something about the person.

Of course I may be biased. I am an observer of people. I met my PYL on a non-BDSM forum. I watched how he interacted with others for 5 months before we met in person. Though, I became his submissive a month before that.

Another bit of advice I would give is don't forget to use common sense. If he asks you to do something that sounds dangerous --physically, sexually, emotionally, socially, professionally--don't do it. Trust your instincts.

Keep it honest. You expect honesty from him, do the same. If he tells you to do a task and you honestly can't , then tell him. Talk it out. There is no use to doing on-line submission if you don't submit. So if you can't do it especially if it goes against your common sense talk to him.

Dominants are people. Even on-line ones. They make mistakes. They can be hurt. Don't treat him like a god, but remember he has feelings,too

Another big piece of advice is come back here often. Vent, ask questions whatever. We may not always be able to help, but we can try.

Good luck.

 

[urh0227]

Welcome to our little corner of the BDSM forum. Great to have you.

As far as advice goes here is my 2 cents. Did you meet your PYL on a on-line forum like here or Fetlife? I ask because I personally find it quite useful when I am getting to know someone to watch what they say on a social forum. It's not the same as being able to observe someone's actions in person but if you can see ow they react to controversy on a forum that can tell you something about the person.

Of course I may be biased. I am an observer of people. I met my PYL on a non-BDSM forum. I watched how he interacted with others for 5 months before we met in person. Though, I became his submissive a month before that.

Another bit of advice I would give is don't forget to use common sense. If he asks you to do something that sounds dangerous --physically, sexually, emotionally, socially, professionally--don't do it. Trust your instincts.

Keep it honest. You expect honesty from him, do the same. If he tells you to do a task and you honestly can't , then tell him. Talk it out. There is no use to doing on-line submission if you don't submit. So if you can't do it especially if it goes against your common sense talk to him.

Dominants are people. Even on-line ones. They make mistakes. They can be hurt. Don't treat him like a god, but remember he has feelings,too

Another big piece of advice is come back here often. Vent, ask questions whatever. We may not always be able to help, but we can try.

Good luck.

Thanks for this advice. We met on Fetlife and so far all indicators have been good....One of the first rules we made (well he made) was that we are completely honest with each other and he's been very good at respecting where I am while pushing me at the same time. There's already been one time when he gave me a task that I felt was out of my reach and we talked about it and turns out he had a better idea of what i was capable of then i was

But so far so good.....we've also talked about expectations for a dom/sub and hard limits and soft limits......

Part of me is excited for this new adventure and another part of me has read the posts on this forum and seen the life of physical seperation i've got ahead of me

 

[ecstaticsub]

Thanks for this advice. We met on Fetlife and so far all indicators have been good....One of the first rules we made (well he made) was that we are completely honest with each other and he's been very good at respecting where I am while pushing me at the same time. There's already been one time when he gave me a task that I felt was out of my reach and we talked about it and turns out he had a better idea of what i was capable of then i was

But so far so good.....we've also talked about expectations for a dom/sub and hard limits and soft limits......

Part of me is excited for this new adventure and another part of me has read the posts on this forum and seen the life of physical seperation i've got ahead of me

Concentrate on the positives!! I'm on Fet also, same name. Say hello sometime.

 

[Chgris]

Welcome to our little corner of the BDSM forum. Great to have you.

As far as advice goes here is my 2 cents. Did you meet your PYL on a on-line forum like here or Fetlife? I ask because I personally find it quite useful when I am getting to know someone to watch what they say on a social forum. It's not the same as being able to observe someone's actions in person but if you can see ow they react to controversy on a forum that can tell you something about the person.

Of course I may be biased. I am an observer of people. I met my PYL on a non-BDSM forum. I watched how he interacted with others for 5 months before we met in person. Though, I became his submissive a month before that.

Another bit of advice I would give is don't forget to use common sense. If he asks you to do something that sounds dangerous --physically, sexually, emotionally, socially, professionally--don't do it. Trust your instincts.

Keep it honest. You expect honesty from him, do the same. If he tells you to do a task and you honestly can't , then tell him. Talk it out. There is no use to doing on-line submission if you don't submit. So if you can't do it especially if it goes against your common sense talk to him.

Dominants are people. Even on-line ones. They make mistakes. They can be hurt. Don't treat him like a god, but remember he has feelings,too

Another big piece of advice is come back here often. Vent, ask questions whatever. We may not always be able to help, but we can try.

Good luck.

Everything ES said is truth. Doms are human. We do have feelings, and we do make mistakes. And if we care, it hurts when we make a mistake. Don't ever forget doms aren't mind readers, we need feedback. Honest and open communication in both directions.

And I wish to thank all those on this forum who have ever chatted with my sweet Scarlet. Especially the times after our visits. She's right, they are the hardest.

Distance is hard for me as well. And to address one post I saw before, witholding communication in an LDR... no. Not something I recommend at all.

More and enough, my sweet Pet, I love you, more and enough.

 

[sirsmine]

Hello

I'm new to the group, I met my Master on Lit and we are also on Fetlife. We have been together a year. I just tend to sit back and observe, trying to come out of my shell more. It's great to be here. Wish everyone well.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Everything ES said is truth. Doms are human. We do have feelings, and we do make mistakes. And if we care, it hurts when we make a mistake. Don't ever forget doms aren't mind readers, we need feedback. Honest and open communication in both directions.

And I wish to thank all those on this forum who have ever chatted with my sweet Scarlet. Especially the times after our visits. She's right, they are the hardest.

Distance is hard for me as well. And to address one post I saw before, witholding communication in an LDR... no. Not something I recommend at all.

More and enough, my sweet Pet, I love you, more and enough.

Thanks! It's always great to get a dominant's point of view.

I find it is way to easy to put a dominant up on a pedestal as an all-knowing, always in control perfect being. As a submissive I have to remind myself that they make mistakes, too and deserve forgiveness.

It is especially important in an LDR because our body language isn't giving any hints that they can see. So, yes, we need to open up our mouths and tell our partners, respectfully of course, when something is wrong.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm new to the group, I met my Master on Lit and we are also on Fetlife. We have been together a year. I just tend to sit back and observe, trying to come out of my shell more. It's great to be here. Wish everyone well.

Welcome, nice to meet you!

 

[scarletnym]

I'm a pyl who is in the 'get to know you' phase with an online PYL. We are getting on with each other really well and our conversations aren't just kink related...

This is my first forray into the BDSM world and therefore my first potential online PYL. Before I make any commitment to him is there any advice that you can give as to things to check or make sure of first.....I hope this question makes sense.

All responses welcome- I Would also love to hear about things started your first time.

The only other advice I can think of right now is to remember that the words you type are what your Master will believe. If you say you are 'fine' but are not really...they will not be able to see your face to know this...they will see fine and assume you are. It all goes hand in hand with honesty. If something is wrong or you are upset...let them know, they can not help you otherwise.

Everything ES said is truth. Doms are human. We do have feelings, and we do make mistakes. And if we care, it hurts when we make a mistake. Don't ever forget doms aren't mind readers, we need feedback. Honest and open communication in both directions.

And I wish to thank all those on this forum who have ever chatted with my sweet Scarlet. Especially the times after our visits. She's right, they are the hardest.

Distance is hard for me as well. And to address one post I saw before, witholding communication in an LDR... no. Not something I recommend at all.

More and enough, my sweet Pet, I love you, more and enough.

And yes...the times right after are the hardest. I am sometimes nervous about posting right after because I feel very vulnerable. I suppose that is when I need you all the most.

I have been one of the lucky ones ... I met my Master here on lit almost two years ago and found one of the most amazing Doms there is. I still have the same doubts and fears that every other sub has but I know that he will be there to help me through it all.

Master...thank you for sharing a bit of advice from the Dom point of view. I love you...more and enough.

 

[jdsgirl]

Totally new here - hi! I am in a LDR that is not necessarily D/s. However, my fascination with D/s relationships led me to a lot of reading, and I've come to realize that I'm naturally submissive. So, while my relationship is not labeled as D/s, we are comfortable in our roles as leader and follower. Long distance is SO hard, and I don't know the future. Oh, yeah, and I'm married to an abusive narcissist (and we have 2 young kids) and am working on getting out the miserable marriage, too. Lots of stress going on . . .
Nice to be here with you, though!

 

[the captians wench]

I've been avoiding this page because I feel like I've done not a lot more than complain when I'm here but I gotta let it out this time.

I'm really feeling the distance since my accident (back injury at work). I'm not getting a lot of social interaction, especially since I'm off work now, and I'm really missing not having some one here to bug, even part time.

And to top it off, he's been out of town all week (surprise trip) when we thought he'd be around, so there's disapointment there.

Just a little (a lot) attention starved right now.

 

[GrimsPet]

Wow

I'm glad I found this thread.

I'm GrimFalcon's Pet. We have had a very tumultuous relationship. Almost four years ago we met online. We started off as friends and one thing lead to another and we finally met face to face in May 2008. The brief encounter sealed us together, it was love at first sight for both of us and somehow after that neither of us was ever the same again. He discovered through me his inner dominant that was always there but needed to be awakened by the touch of a submissive.

We went through some tough times as he is married with two kids. His wife went through some phases where at first she was hurt, then she seemed accepting of us, and then she agreed to sharing and a sort of setup where I could visit and we could go from there and see if a polyamorous relationship would work with the three of us. Let's just say that ended badly with her forbidding him to talk to me due to her jealousy and rage and I was left alone and emotionally stranded. Practically came near ending it all but thankfully with the help of a close friend picked myself up by my bootstraps and moved on with life even if I did feel like half of me was totally missing.

It turns out he felt half of him was missing too. All that time he still thought of me, and last November on Thanksgiving I got a message from him after about 16 months of no contact and so we started talking again. I didn't know what to think at first. Then two months ago we both realized we had to be together again. We're only together online but each of us feels more whole now and more alive now that we share our love with each other again. We may never get to be together in everyday life again but I'm satisfied knowing I still have his love.

For now we share ourselves with each other through writing and messages passed back and forth online. My friends all know about the relationship and have cheered me on. One of them even helped me take dirty pictures to send to him. They all know to contact him in case of emergency.

How do we make it work?
Hot Roleplay online.
Small stories or fantasies shared back and forth.
Small love letter emails now and then when the other doesn't expect it.
Sharing our writing and helping each other grow as a writer.
I help him edit his stories, he helps me with mine.
We make the most of what little time we have to talk to each other online due to the odd work schedules both of us have.
Sharing erotic links we find online through email.
Supporting each other with messages when we know the other is not having a good day/week.

I still have the collar he gave me back in 2008. It's a woven leather choker and I wear it most of the time except at work. It's simple, elegant and discreet - the average Joe has no clue what it is. It's one of the few tangible things I still have of him to hold onto and when things get rough in my life I touch it and feel his loving strength.

It's the little things that make it work. Those random small messages with a passing thought sealed with "I love you," that make it all worth while and keep us emotionally alive even if we can't physically hold each other. Through all of this he continues to grow as a Dominant and I continue to grow as a submissive in my loving submission to him.

There is no discussion of punishment, never has been a need for it really. Sure he has kidded me about it a few times in passing, but it was simply in jest. He loves the fact that I'll speak my mind to him and give him rather blunt feedback or opinions. He likes the fact I will tell him if I don't agree with something as well.

My only prayer is that his wife doesn't find out we are talking again because shit quite frankly will hit the fan on his end if she finds out. She's not exactly an emotionally stable person and I fear for him and his family. For now everything we do is secret.

So thank you to the author of this thread. You gave those of us who can't be together a place to voice our thoughts and feelings. Bless you.

 

[kimuk]

I'm glad I found this thread.

I'm GrimFalcon's Pet. We have had a very tumultuous relationship. Almost four years ago we met online. We started off as friends and one thing lead to another and we finally met face to face in May 2008. The brief encounter sealed us together, it was love at first sight for both of us and somehow after that neither of us was ever the same again. He discovered through me his inner dominant that was always there but needed to be awakened by the touch of a submissive.

We went through some tough times as he is married with two kids. His wife went through some phases where at first she was hurt, then she seemed accepting of us, and then she agreed to sharing and a sort of setup where I could visit and we could go from there and see if a polyamorous relationship would work with the three of us. Let's just say that ended badly with her forbidding him to talk to me due to her jealousy and rage and I was left alone and emotionally stranded. Practically came near ending it all but thankfully with the help of a close friend picked myself up by my bootstraps and moved on with life even if I did feel like half of me was totally missing.

It turns out he felt half of him was missing too. All that time he still thought of me, and last November on Thanksgiving I got a message from him after about 16 months of no contact and so we started talking again. I didn't know what to think at first. Then two months ago we both realized we had to be together again. We're only together online but each of us feels more whole now and more alive now that we share our love with each other again. We may never get to be together in everyday life again but I'm satisfied knowing I still have his love.

For now we share ourselves with each other through writing and messages passed back and forth online. My friends all know about the relationship and have cheered me on. One of them even helped me take dirty pictures to send to him. They all know to contact him in case of emergency.

How do we make it work?
Hot Roleplay online.
Small stories or fantasies shared back and forth.
Small love letter emails now and then when the other doesn't expect it.
Sharing our writing and helping each other grow as a writer.
I help him edit his stories, he helps me with mine.
We make the most of what little time we have to talk to each other online due to the odd work schedules both of us have.
Sharing erotic links we find online through email.
Supporting each other with messages when we know the other is not having a good day/week.

I still have the collar he gave me back in 2008. It's a woven leather choker and I wear it most of the time except at work. It's simple, elegant and discreet - the average Joe has no clue what it is. It's one of the few tangible things I still have of him to hold onto and when things get rough in my life I touch it and feel his loving strength.

It's the little things that make it work. Those random small messages with a passing thought sealed with "I love you," that make it all worth while and keep us emotionally alive even if we can't physically hold each other. Through all of this he continues to grow as a Dominant and I continue to grow as a submissive in my loving submission to him.

There is no discussion of punishment, never has been a need for it really. Sure he has kidded me about it a few times in passing, but it was simply in jest. He loves the fact that I'll speak my mind to him and give him rather blunt feedback or opinions. He likes the fact I will tell him if I don't agree with something as well.

My only prayer is that his wife doesn't find out we are talking again because shit quite frankly will hit the fan on his end if she finds out. She's not exactly an emotionally stable person and I fear for him and his family. For now everything we do is secret.

So thank you to the author of this thread. You gave those of us who can't be together a place to voice our thoughts and feelings. Bless you.

LDR's are hard. Were not long distance by many standards, 65 miles apart. But are separated by the worst thing. Marriage to others. We may not have every day physical contact but we learn a bit more about each other day . We make an effort to keep in touch. Thank God for the mobile phone and internet, they assists with all communication possibilities.

He's a truly wonderful man , a friend , a lover and a mutal BDSM explorer. i alway said to myself I'll keep it light , leave my emotions out of the mix. But you soon learn thats impossible. As your respect grows for you man so does your love. A natural evolution. You just have to accept the part of him you have , enjoy each contact, not expect anything and when the oppertunity arises to get togeather , enjoy every second and keep the memories for the rainy days.

 

[demure_dryad]

I've enjoyed reading this thread immensely - it has been really helpful. I met a Dom online (not through a BDSM website), and we are starting to get into distance domination...our situation is temporary, as he is moving here in a few months, but it is still difficult and overwhelming for me. We will have our first in-person session in a couple weeks... I've never submitted to someone before, and there's all these feelings! Dealing with them when He is far away is hard. I'm glad I'm not alone.

 

[urh0227]

grr....i hate internet failures.....He and i were talking online and then the ims aren't getting to each other....

sorry just looking to vent...i feel like its already hard and we've only just begun but yet i already can't imagine not having this relationship in my life.

 

[argentSS]

Can anyone suggest blogs by people in a distance relationship?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I feel like I should miss him more...but I don't. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to leaving

 

[Aricoquin]

grr....i hate internet failures.....He and i were talking online and then the ims aren't getting to each other....

sorry just looking to vent...i feel like its already hard and we've only just begun but yet i already can't imagine not having this relationship in my life.

Vent away....I know how you feel. PM if you want/need to talk.

Can anyone suggest blogs by people in a distance relationship?

One that I know of is iVillage. Go to their forum section. They have a forum for almost anything. Even LDR's
Well, its not a blog per se, more just forums with other people, same situations.

I feel like I should miss him more...but I don't. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to leaving

Awww Don't ever get used to leaving. Maybe its because your relationship is solid and you know you'll see him again!

 

[the captians wench]

I feel like I should miss him more...but I don't. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to leaving

It happens. Just like any relationship there are ebbs and flows. Sometimes you get comfortable with how things are. Just know it doesn't mean you love him any less.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

It happens. Just like any relationship there are ebbs and flows. Sometimes you get comfortable with how things are. Just know it doesn't mean you love him any less.

I know, but it makes me feel a bit guilty since he always gets so mopey and mororse after I go...but then, I guilt really easily. *sigh* It doesn't help that I won't be back to visit until I graduate (that'll be 2 years). He's going to try to come here next year, but...that's still a whole year again. This last few times, it's only been 6 months between seeing each other