Dissect my sentence

[tomlitilia]

IMO, AH is at its best when I can use it to improve my writing. So for that purpose, consider the following sentence:

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory on open display for the world to see."

I know this sentence works without the comma, and I think it's even grammatically incorrect with it (the second clause got no verb). But I want the sentence to be read with a slight pause after "was". I think an em dash would work as an alternative, but somehow it doesn't feel right. Suggestions?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Comma = pause, so isn't it doing what you want?

It gets a more musical beat if you write "... for all the world to see." I would duplicate "all" - but that's how I write, so it might be good advice, it might not!

 

[tomlitilia]

Comma = pause, so isn't it doing what you want?

It gets a more musical beat if you write "... for all the world to see." I would departments "all" - but that's how I write, so it might be good advice, it might not!

Yes, it has the effect I want. But I also want it to be technically correct, at least to the extent that most people aren't taken aback.

The "all" is a good idea. Thanks. The scene is however set in the secluded wilderness, with only a handful of people watching. So I think without all works better in this instance.

 

[legerdemer]

IMO, AH is at its best when I can use it to improve my writing. So for that purpose, consider the following sentence:

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory on open display for the world to see."

I know this sentence works without the comma, and I think it's even grammatically incorrect with it (the second clause got no verb). But I want the sentence to be read with a slight pause after "was". I think an em dash would work as an alternative, but somehow it doesn't feel right. Suggestions?

Two comments:

-'open display' is redundant, as that's the usual type of display -> so if it were me, I would get rid of 'open'


- is it her who is on display, or her tits? I added another comma that changes the meaning slightly, for your consideration (and two other edits, for fun) :

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory, on display for all the world to see."

If it were me, I would likely write it as follows:

"And there she was, with her tits naked in all their glory, on display for all the world to see."

- or even 'in all their naked glory...'

 

[tomlitilia]

Thanks leg! Those are all good points. I had like you point out also reflected over the redundant "open". But the sentence needed something more. Your construction with "naked" is better though.

 

[jsmiam]

I believe you are looking for "... singin' do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do"?

 

[sr71plt]

The original sentence is fine as written (and better than anything that's subsequently been mentioned); the comma before "with" is correct, as this is an independent modifier clause; and "open display" is a familiar set phrase and is reader friendly/recognizable as written.

 

[NicoleZ]

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory on open display for the world to see."

There are so many ways to write this sentence that in the end you will have to decide which one you are happy with. As it is, there's a tautology as on open display = for the world to see because they both refer to her; the subject of the sentence. As it might disturb a reader as it did you, you might want to do away with it?

And there she was in all her glory, tits displayed for the world to see.

And there she was, tits gloriously displayed for the world to see.

And there she was for the world to see with her tits in all their glory on open display.

(etc, etc)

 

[TxRad]

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory on open display for the world to see."


"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory on full display for the world to see."


Ok, so I left my scalpel in my other pants this morning and this is what i came up with without it.

 

[NotWise]

I don't have a problem with the original sentence. If it were mine I might simplify it to

"And there she was, with her glorious tits displayed for the world to see."

 

[holliday1960]

Two comments:

If it were me, I would likely write it as follows:

"And there she was, with her tits naked in all their glory, on display for all the world to see."

- or even 'in all their naked glory...'

I agree with Legerdemer. You definitely need the comma after 'glory'.

 

[Handley_Page]

If it were me, I would likely write it as follows:

"And there she was, with her tits naked in all their glory, on display for all the world to see."

- or even 'in all their naked glory...'

Thought:

"And there she was, with her tits in all their naked glory, on display; for all the world to see."

 

[FantasyXY]

I didn't anything wrong with your sentence in the first place. I got exactly what it meant, complete with the emotion of the statement, without any extra commas, dashes, periods, ellipses, exclamations, or emojis.

If you wanted to give it more impact you could do what Handley suggests, or you could even break it up into more sentences.

"And there she was, with her tits in all their naked glory. Out on display. For all the world to see."

Bottom line is this ain't math. There are a zillion ways to construct and order sentences into messages and thoughts. Most of them will be correct.

 

[sr71plt]

I agree with Legerdemer. You definitely need the comma after 'glory'.

Two different meanings whether this comma is used or not. The comma is appropriate if the author meant to say "she" was in display. It's not appropriate if the author meant to say "tits" were on display. The author didn't note which one was meant, so to suggest a change assumes meaning not provided.

 

[holliday1960]

Two different meanings whether this comma is used or not. The comma is appropriate if the author meant to say "she" was in display. It's not appropriate if the author meant to say "tits" were on display. The author didn't note which one was meant, so to suggest a change assumes meaning not provided.

You see? THIS is why we pay you "the big bucks", sir pilot! (bang the gavel!) Case closed!

 

[sr71plt]

You see? THIS is why we pay you "the big bucks", sir pilot! (bang the gavel!) Case closed!

Well, now, who couldn't use an infusion of big bucks in the holiday season? I'll sit by my door waiting for the big bucks to roll in, thanks. If the big buck is 6 foot 5 and a real hunk, that would be fine too.

 

[hadruprider]

If you want a pause you could split the sentence. You could also give her tits an adjective rather than two following phrases. For example, something like:

And there she was. Her glorious tits were on display for all the world to see.

 

[holliday1960]

Well, now, who couldn't use an infusion of big bucks in the holiday season? I'll sit by my door waiting for the big bucks to roll in, thanks. If the big buck is 6 foot 5 and a real hunk, that would be fine too.

So, you want me to write Santa about your wish list? Although, the deadline is getting a little close, and I've found the US Male is typically slow to get the message this time of year. So, mind you, I'm making no promises!

 

[HandsInTheDark]

Two comments:

-'open display' is redundant, as that's the usual type of display -> so if it were me, I would get rid of 'open'


- is it her who is on display, or her tits? I added another comma that changes the meaning slightly, for your consideration (and two other edits, for fun) :

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory, on display for all the world to see."

If it were me, I would likely write it as follows:

"And there she was, with her tits naked in all their glory, on display for all the world to see."

- or even 'in all their naked glory...'

Mostly, this. More to the point, I can't see how this fits your flow because there's no context. Did she just shyly open her bra, or have it ripped off? Is she *really* on display in a public place, or are you exaggerating for effect? Is she a hardcore stripper? Those are all very different scenarios, and how I punctuated the sentence, or how much padding (like 'open') I added, would depend on the context.

People get the vapors when I write noncony things like ripping bras in AH, so I won't give that example. But if it's the shy girl, it might go like this:

She smiled nervously, her large and innocent eyes turning up to mine. "I'm... not exactly an exhibionist, you know? But... I guess I agreed to this and... well... I'm just not going to think too much for once."

She fumbled with the clasp, and with the shyest smile imaginable, she lowered her eyes and her bra... and there were her glorious, sweet breasts, on display for anyone that cared to look.

Contrast with.

Ginger was a fucking pro, and when she hit the stage even the regulars got quiet. Stripper doesn't really describe her act. She was a seductress, and a minute into her act she'd spot her mark and work him until he was crazy. I'd been her mark once. I'd masturbated for a week afterwards. She'd hit married guys with their wives right there, too.

She got into her moves, and then her eyes glittered - she'd settled on her mark. Off came the skirt, and she stalked up to him, long legs, panties, flat belly, lace bra. Flaming red hair petting her shoulders and back as she strutted. She stood other him, her legs apart and trapping his at mid thigh.

"Nice erection, stud. But it's going to a whole lot bigger when I'm done. You're going to ache."
She took a curl of her hair and ran it across his lips, slowly. His eyes read Trapped Prey.

Suddenly she knotted her fingers behind his neck and slid the V of her deep plunging bra along his lips. I knew what that was like. Club rules were, no touching without permission. I'd ended up grabbing my chair legs to behave, and he did the same. Her eyes glittered more.

"Stick your tongue out, stud. Don't move otherwise."

She slid herself over his tongue, letting him taste her curves. Her nipples were large and hard and very visible through the bra. Everyone in the room was mentally urging her to rub that nipple against his tongue. But Ginger played by her rules, not yours.

She straightened and ripped the bra off, and those glorious tits were on display for the world to see.

She laughed. "You can put your tongue away, stud. That's not how this goes."

Everyone laughed, except her mark - his brain had already blown a fuse. But there was worse to come. She bent over him, licked his ear nice and slow... and whispered something to him. He shuddered.

I knew what she said, from previous experience. "You want to taste a little more, stud... side door B, 2am. Knock twice and bring a thousand dollars cash. Breakfast will be on me, if you're able to get out of bed."

It was a sham, a part of the act. There was no side door B. Guys stupid enough to show up there with cash in their pockets generally got rolled by thugs, guys who who lacked her pretty curves but made up for it with a real big gun and the kind of smile you don't see in your dreams because your subconscious doesn't want you to piss the bed.

Not that Ginger knew or cared about this. She didn't care about much, and that's why men loved her. Most men.

She slid her hand over the bulge in his suit pants, and waved her twin delights an inch from his face. "Let's play a game, stud," she stage whispered. "I call it Close But No Cigar..."

Yeah, it was that kind of club. She made it hellish and hot, but the place got repeat business.

They called me in when she was shot. The other dicks wouldn't touch it, but I'd always had a soft spot for Ginger... It was the worst fucking decision of my life.

Ok, that example got a little out of control. But point made. Context is everything,

 

[glynndah]

Original sentence:

"And there she was, with her tits in all their glory on open display for the world to see."

Modified sentence:

"And there she was," Tom said, as his buddies listened intently, "with her tits in all their glory on open display for the world to see."

It breaks up the sentence without any need for additional punctuation.

{Sorry I forgot to quote.}

 

[sr71plt]

First, it adds material not in the original. Editors don't do this. Second, it reads more awkwardly than the original. The original is better than anything you folks have come up with (and added different or additional meaning to). Real editors don't try to supplant what is in there in the author's voice and within the limits the author has provided.

 

[HandsInTheDark]

I'm not an editor; I am not going to try to stick to anyone else's voice when offering changes because any change to the original is de facto a change in voice; I'm pointing out that trying to fix a single sentence without knowing context is futile. Maybe the original sentence is the best possible in context; there's no way to tell, except the author didn't think so.

I found two completely unrelated scenarios where focus would be on breasts, and rewrote his sentence to fit them. He can't use them in his story unless he happens to be writing a shy exhibitionist or saucy stripper in a style eerily like mine; but he might be able to see that context affects flow and get an ear for what works in his setting.

 

[NicoleZ]

Real editors don't try to supplant what is in there in the author's voice and within the limits the author has provided.

Real editors have access to more than a single sentence and can judge the context as to what the writer was trying to say so within the limits provided by this particular author, I'd say Tomlitilia has gotten plenty of helpful and useful suggestions from those who have contributed. You could actually say that in this particular situation, he is his own editor.

The original is better than anything you folks have come up with (and added different or additional meaning to).

You are in no position to say this as you, just like everyone else, only have access to the one sentence to judge by. Thus you are just as clueless as everyone else as to what Tomlitilia really does want to say even if you like to pretend otherwise by belittling those who actually had the courtesy to answer the OP's call for suggestions.

 

[Hypoxia]

OP: It's *your* rhetorical ejaculation. Say it as you wish.

 

[TxRad]

You are in no position to say this as you, just like everyone else, only have access to the one sentence to judge by. Thus you are just as clueless as everyone else as to what Tomlitilia really does want to say even if you like to pretend otherwise by belittling those who actually had the courtesy to answer the OP's call for suggestions.

And you are in no position to say what you did either. Other than your petty dislike for Pilot. He answered the question way back up the line and correctly in my opinion.