Discipline and Punishment

[Mrtenant]

Every D/s relationship is different based on the needs of both, be it temporary paid for experiences or actual relationships with a clinical atmosphere or loving dynamic, live-ins or anywhere in-between. There is no one size fits all. Hard and soft limits of all parties have to apply. And, mistakes happen. And how one recovers from the mistake matters too. Some Ds can tolerate and work with brats, others cannot. Some subs get off on more arbitrary impersonal Ds, others do not. Some more personal loving Ds can shift to impersonal when needed for the situation. Just do your due diligence and vet your partner and negotiate your scene or arrangement or whatever, do the deed and find out. Adjust as needed.

 

[artslut86]

Very insightful. I suppose depending on the situation and what a new persn thought was happening it could get very confusing. 'did the D just delay that safe word/edging word response on purpose so it could 'educate the sub' or did they do it because they wanted to see a an orgasm, or did they do it in error, unintentionally. All this is in the context of e-based D/s stuff. I find the edging alone a mind fuck. The game within the game does my head in. As a person who deals in what ifs, contingencies and strategy I start over thinking. delicious. but wow. Thanks for your thoughtful comments every one. What a great conversation for new people like moi.

 

[artslut86]

In my experience, all D/s relationships have similarities, but each have subtle differences. I’ve had 8 over the past 30 years and none of them match the dynamic you describe of setting the sub up to fail, (though there have been occasions when rules have been deliberately broken to provoke punishment). What you describe seems more like an elaborate sex game than a D/s relationship.
A good Dom should be able to figure out when that’s happening though and change the dynamic by, for example, changing the nature of punishments to a kind that is less amenable to the sub. In the end it’s about finding a balance that works for the mutual pleasure and satisfaction of both parties.

hmm. Im down for an elaborate sex game

 

[Strixaluco]

Very insightful. I suppose depending on the situation and what a new persn thought was happening it could get very confusing. 'did the D just delay that safe word/edging word response on purpose so it could 'educate the sub' or did they do it because they wanted to see a an orgasm, or did they do it in error, unintentionally. All this is in the context of e-based D/s stuff. I find the edging alone a mind fuck. The game within the game does my head in. As a person who deals in what ifs, contingencies and strategy I start over thinking. delicious. but wow. Thanks for your thoughtful comments every one. What a great conversation for new people like moi.

Delaying safe word response on purpose sounds irresponsible and untrustworthy. A very big red flag, whether IRL or online relationship.

 

[IrisAlthea]

hmm. Im down for an elaborate sex game

As several people have said, each relationship is different.

For me personally, this is a question of context.
If we are both aware that it is about fun and games, I’m quite fine with something that is essentially the big brother game of holding something just out of reach. I’ll happily jump for it as a good sport (or possibly poke him in the stomach) - because fun and games.

If however, I am made to believe that I’m supposed to truly strive to do something and I find that I was set up to fail from the start, trust leaves the building and probably for good.

 

[Older_Pervert]

hmm. Im down for an elaborate sex game

Nothing at all wrong with elaborate sex games, so long as they’re not confused with a D/s relationship. Dirty, kinky sex has always scored highly in my book!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Delaying safe word response on purpose sounds irresponsible and untrustworthy. A very big red flag, whether IRL or online relationship.

Well, honest mistakes do happen.
Not taking a safeword seriously on purpose though, renders both ”safeword” and ”trust” usless and that goes for both sides of the slash.

 

[artslut86]

Seeing the number of comments on this, I reached out to my friend. He thought, and clarified that the 'safe word' was an edging word, not a 'pain, or stop' or something like that, I dunno. He thought he was, after an extreme amount of edging in a no win situation anyway, he used the safe word, the response was delayed, - he thinks the Domme was seeing if he was really about to come, or to get him closer, then he repeated it quickly, could not compose a sentence to request to come [this was his 3rd or 4th session ever, he is new like me] mentally, and then he started to cum, tried to let go, then she said stop LOL. too late he blew the load after what he claims was 11 plus hours of edging over a 2 day period, with a mix of denied touching and minor real world punishment in between, he had to self inflict.
He said loves it and only wants to see what it would have been like if he could come at her command. He is now under some sort of training program or punishment for orgasming with out permission.
Me I'm not so sure, will this domme ever let him come properly, she seems from other his other comments to be thoughtful, and caring, just really strict. It sounds incredible.

 

[Older_Pervert]

Strict isn’t incompatible with thoughtful and caring, as long as the rules are clearly spelled out in advance. An element of capriciousness is a good thing in play, it keeps things fresh and exciting ,but continual “catching out” “fault finding” and “no-win” situations are demoralising for even the most compliant of submissives

 

[Strixaluco]

He thought, and clarified that the 'safe word' was an edging word, not a 'pain, or stop' or something like that, I dunno

Errrr....no. There may be 2 different kinds of safe words, neither is meant for edging purposes. For example yellow could be interpreted as "slow down, my hard limits are coming close", and red as "stop all action immediately". The words chosen may be different, but usually those are the meanings.

What you need for communication during edging like you describe is something else than safe words.

 

[artslut86]

Perhaps then its a convienece. The dude has 3 words he said. I assume the others are more serious than just edging?

 

[Strixaluco]

Perhaps then its a convienece. The dude has 3 words he said. I assume the others are more serious than just edging?

Yes. Safe words are for just as serious as the term sounds. They are the way for a sub to get out of something that's too much, either physically or mentally.
(Though even a D can use a safeword - in a longterm relationship it may sometimes be necessary. For example with the sub or little bratting when D is just far too tired to take it.)

 

[NaughtyGeminiGirl96]

Seeing the number of comments on this, I reached out to my friend. He thought, and clarified that the 'safe word' was an edging word, not a 'pain, or stop' or something like that, I dunno. He thought he was, after an extreme amount of edging in a no win situation anyway, he used the safe word, the response was delayed, - he thinks the Domme was seeing if he was really about to come, or to get him closer, then he repeated it quickly, could not compose a sentence to request to come [this was his 3rd or 4th session ever, he is new like me] mentally, and then he started to cum, tried to let go, then she said stop LOL. too late he blew the load after what he claims was 11 plus hours of edging over a 2 day period, with a mix of denied touching and minor real world punishment in between, he had to self inflict.
He said loves it and only wants to see what it would have been like if he could come at her command. He is now under some sort of training program or punishment for orgasming with out permission.
Me I'm not so sure, will this domme ever let him come properly, she seems from other his other comments to be thoughtful, and caring, just really strict. It sounds incredible.

An edging word is a new term to me. Does anyone else use an edge word? I think it's interesting concept that I would love to try out with a good Dom.

 

[artslut86]

An edging word is a new term to me. Does anyone else use an edge word? I think it's interesting concept that I would love to try out with a good Dom.

NGG96, phew got that out! My buddy says that he has to let his D know when he is close to orgasm, The D uses that, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, to manipulate the guy. He told me today that he had used the stop word only once and she immediately took care of him. Seems like they trust each other. The 'edging' word seems to me to be part of the game the D likes to play which is pretty cool to be that close to cumming, and waiting on the D to allow either a stop or a cum. I dunno. All new to me, I'd love to learn all this shit.

 

[NaughtyGeminiGirl96]

NGG96, phew got that out! My buddy says that he has to let his D know when he is close to orgasm, The D uses that, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, to manipulate the guy. He told me today that he had used the stop word only once and she immediately took care of him. Seems like they trust each other. The 'edging' word seems to me to be part of the game the D likes to play which is pretty cool to be that close to cumming, and waiting on the D to allow either a stop or a cum. I dunno. All new to me, I'd love to learn all this shit.

Wow your friend is really lucky. Where did he find such a creative Dom lol. Is he only online or are they irl with the edge word? I'd love to have a Dom who makes up new things to keep playing fun.

 

[IrisAlthea]

NGG96, phew got that out! My buddy says that he has to let his D know when he is close to orgasm, The D uses that, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, to manipulate the guy. He told me today that he had used the stop word only once and she immediately took care of him. Seems like they trust each other. The 'edging' word seems to me to be part of the game the D likes to play which is pretty cool to be that close to cumming, and waiting on the D to allow either a stop or a cum. I dunno. All new to me, I'd love to learn all this shit.

It’s probably very practical to set up a system for communicating while edging. It’s more like a shorthand check in system though.
The term ”safeword” (some say ”stopword”) though is used to immediately stop play if there is risk for serious harm or distress. It can be about nerve damage due to bondage, difficulty breathing or psychologically hitting a breaking point that risks your mental health or the relationship.
Using the safeword when it isn’t serious or ignoring it isn’t just asshat behaviour, but something that sabotages an important safety routine. Noone wants to confuse an asthma attack while in bondage with ”I’m about to come” so this is one of the things that I really think should be taken serious and where we should try to avoid any confusion.

 

[cascadiabound]

Edging is when you or your partner stimulates you just to the edge of orgasm. This can be used as part of power dynamic. There are some excellent threads around here on edging and denial.
As others have indicated it is unwise to use a "safeword" as the way to communicate inability to maintain the edge. I can understand the need to have some agreed upon word for such play, but please don't call it a "safeword" for all the reasons people have mentioned in this thread.

 

[Older_Pervert]

An edging word is a new term to me. Does anyone else use an edge word? I think it's interesting concept that I would love to try out with a good Dom.

I’ve never used one other than No or Stop but that’s because I’ve always been the one in control, but that’s really a command not a safe word. In real life it’s not difficult to spot when orgasm is close. I guess it’s harder online……

 

[Somethingdifferent74]

Consequences and punishment is not quite the same though.

I think this is a matter of taste really.
There are several people writing about why they don’t have a punishment dynamic in this thread:
http://forum.literotica.com/threads/glutton-for-punishment.1543331/#post-93675873

Thank you for sharing this. It made me dig into some reading and understanding terms more definitively. "Punishment Vs Consequences".

I don't use "p/funishment" when I am in a dynamic relationship personally. (After reading and understanding the difference between Punishment Vs Consequences) I use Consequences to enforce policys and rules set between my sub and myself.

Ie: up past bedtime? The bedtime gets moved up 30 mins the following night

I've noticed some subs want to be spanked or "punished". So if they act out to achieve getting "punished" then how is that actually a punishment if they like it? To me I'd feel I would be rewarding (giving them what they want) my sub for acting inappropriately.

I believe spanking or use of devices and tools (belts, flogger or paddles) can be fun but I wouldn't use them for disciplinary or any kind of punishment (not even the fun kind). Just use in a scene or during our intimate time. Just use them in plain ol "fun" times, as we see fit. If that makes sense.

 

[cascadiabound]

I’ve never used one other than No or Stop but that’s because I’ve always been the one in control, but that’s really a command not a safe word. In real life it’s not difficult to spot when orgasm is close. I guess it’s harder online……

"No" and "stop" work great obviously... in a typical normal dynamic those words should bring everything to a halt or a specific activity to a halt.
"Safewords" are especially important if you are in a dynamic where a sub/bottom/pyl wants to be able to yell and whimper and object but does NOT actually want said activity to stop. Especially in things like CNC and role playing. My mouth might say "noooo no no no no... pleeessssee stop stop stop no no nooooooo" as I am being edged to the very edge of my capacity to withstand it, but I REALLY do not want him to stop...I want to continue playing, being teased, being spanked, tied tighter, exposed, humiliated...whatever.... however...a safe word that does not sound like no or stop and I am not likely to say by accident.... maybe "pluto" or "watermelon" will tell my top/D/PYL to ACTUALLY stop and find out if I'm okay, what I need adjusted etc etc.