Dirty Jokes

[Guest]

Your point?



I mean, it takes one to know one!!

______

<==Point? Why, of course, there's a point. See how the end of my tounge tapers to a flicking, wet edge?

Now, bend over . . .

 

[TheEarl]

There once was a man named Screwy Dick,
A man who was born with a spiral prick.
His life was spent in one long hunt
to find the girl with the spiral cunt.
When he found her he dropped dead,
'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread

Not mine unfortunately, but funny.

The Earl

 

[DurtGurl]

Ninety six

Wait, wait! Hey, what's the square root of 69?

Speed limit on highway 69? Lickety split

Groan

DG

 

[The_old_man]

There once was a young man named Sweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weeny
So, being uncouth
He added Vermouth
so his girl friend could have a Martini

 

[Svenskaflicka]

When he found her he dropped dead,
'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread

I didn't understand that last part?

 

[duskshade]

Try this one:

Said the trader, "I'm not pleased one bit,
In our dealings, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit!"


I like this one, even though is so baaaaa-ad.


Duskshade

And a dirty joke:

This man goes to the doctor in the morning, and tells him, "Doc, you have to help me. I have on hell of a headache. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything, or make love to my wife. This is intolerable, Doc."

"OK," says the doctor. "Let's run some tests and see what we find."

That afternnoon, sitting in a hospital johnny, the doc tells the man, "I'm sorry. Apparently, your balls are pressed into the back of your spine, which is causing your terrible headaches. Normally we could solve this with therapy and massage, but in your case we can't do that. We can do one of two things - medicate you or intervene surgically. If we medicate you, you'll be a zombie from the amount of medication. If we do surgery, we'll have to remove your testes entirely to relieve the pain."

Bravely, our man decides to take the surgical way out. "Doc, I can't be medicated. I'm a father, I work at an accounting firm. " He sighs, "Damn. I guess we'll do the surgery."

Thankfully, the surgery is uncomplicated, and our man leaves the hospital a few days later. Naturally, he feels odd, less than normal. Passing a men's clothier, he decides a new wardrobe will help him adjust.

A salesman walks over, "How can I help you?"
"Well, I need a new wardrobe. Let's start with a new suit."
The salesman looks critically, "Hmm. You're a 44 long."
"Wow! How'd you know?"
"This is what I do, sir."

So, the man gets a new suit, new ties, matching suspenders, and shoes, socks, and other assorted items. Each time the man asks for another item, the salesman correctly guesses the size, his response upon questioning as "This is what I do, sir."

Finally, after his final selection, he looks at his underwear and notes their sad and pitiful condition. "Excuse me, but could you include some underpants with that?"

"What kind, sir, briefs or boxers?"
"Briefs, my man. I prefer to be snug and secure."
"Yes, sir. One package of size 36 underwear." the salesman says.
"wait!!" cries the man, still in the changing booth pulling his pants on. "I wear size 32 underwear. I've worn size 32 since I was seventeen!"
"But sir, why would you do that? Wearing underwear that size would push your balls into the base of your spine, giving you one hell of a headache."

 

[TheEarl]

On a second read, it's actually not that good a limerick. Copied it from another site. A twisted mind is a terrible thing to cut and paste.

Most screws have right hand thread (to screw in you turn them clockwise (I think!)), but you occasionally get a screw that's left hand thread (Anticlockwise. QED).

Trying to screw a right hand thread screw into a left hand thread hole is an exercise in futility, cause no matter how much you turn the screw driver, the screw won't go in.

Any clearer?

The Earl (who is seriously regretting posting the thing)

 

[Guest]

On a second read, it's actually not that good a limerick. Copied it from another site. A twisted mind is a terrible thing to cut and paste.

Most screws have right hand thread (to screw in you turn them clockwise (I think!)), but you occasionally get a screw that's left hand thread (Anticlockwise. QED).

Trying to screw a right hand thread screw into a left hand thread hole is an exercise in futility, cause no matter how much you turn the screw driver, the screw won't go in.

Any clearer?

The Earl (who is seriously regretting posting the thing)

It's a great premise! (just needs a tuck here and there)

There once was a man named Dick Screw,
whose prick was near twisted in two.
His life was a hunt
for her spiral cunt
(and left hand threads just wouldn't do!)

Nahh - you can't do it in limerick, really. It needs another line to get the funny message in your first poem.

Oh well.

But on that same note, I know LOTS of people on this site that are twisted!

(and you know who you are!!!)

 

[Svenskaflicka]

On a second read, it's actually not that good a limerick. Copied it from another site. A twisted mind is a terrible thing to cut and paste.

Most screws have right hand thread (to screw in you turn them clockwise (I think!)), but you occasionally get a screw that's left hand thread (Anticlockwise. QED).

Trying to screw a right hand thread screw into a left hand thread hole is an exercise in futility, cause no matter how much you turn the screw driver, the screw won't go in.

Any clearer?

The Earl (who is seriously regretting posting the thing)

Aaa-haaaa...

Svenskaflicka
Official Lit Blonde

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"Madam," says the judge to the little old lady, who stands before him in court, "would you mind telling us in your own words what happened?"

"Yes, sir," says the little old lady. "I was sitting on my porch, slowly rocking in my porch rocker, when a young man came up to my house. He walked up on the porch and sat down next to me. He put his hand on my knee, and started caressing my thigh, He leaned in and kissed me passionately. He put his hand on my breasts, and caressed them. I got aroused, so I leaned back and said: `Young man - take me!´."

"Well?" said the judge. "Did he... take you?"

"No," said the little old lady. "He jumped up and shouted `April's fool!´. And that's when I shot the bastard."

 

[TheEarl]

Why should you never have a dyslexic midget?

Cause it's not big and it's not clever.

Baadum Tsch.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Am I the first?

The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves beating on the shore couldn't equal the intensity of the passion of the lovers nearby.

The ardent couple pulled apart long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?"

"Of course you are," she said softly, but with a slightly irritated tone. "I don't know why you men always ask the same ridiculous question."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

*applause for sweetsubsarahh*