dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Has anyone heard any good dirty jokes lately? I need a fix and haven't heard anything in a long time.
---dr.M.
---dr.M.
Dirty Jokes
- Thread starter dr_mabeuse
- Start date
Octavian
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2002
- Posts
- 601
Does this help?
Two sperm were swimming side by side.
One turns to the other and said, "Jesus, I'm knackered. How much further is it to the Fallopian tubes?"
The other one replied, "It's quite a way yet. We've only just passed the tonsils."
Octavian
Two sperm were swimming side by side.
One turns to the other and said, "Jesus, I'm knackered. How much further is it to the Fallopian tubes?"
The other one replied, "It's quite a way yet. We've only just passed the tonsils."
Octavian
jfinn
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2002
- Posts
- 593
Not exactly a joke, but it is the funniest story I've read in a long time.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless
Jayne
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless
Jayne
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
It looked like a foot??
EEeeyyewww!!! Gross-a-delic!!
Yes, MG, I remember the Hector Roderiquez joke. It was part of Svenska's Long & Tedious Joke Challenge. As I recall, it won, because no one would admit that they didn't get it.
I guess some people think ethnic coprophagia is something worth laughing about, rather than the sensible money-saving idea that it is.
I was hoping for some of those really gross, firth-grade jokes from the old days when we actually pretended they were funny. The bald-headed mouse, the man who lived over the pickle factory, the Long Dick Club, all those "Doc, Doc, you gotta help me!" jokes, the farmer's daughter. The ones that Noah enjoyed.
---dr.M.
EEeeyyewww!!! Gross-a-delic!!
Yes, MG, I remember the Hector Roderiquez joke. It was part of Svenska's Long & Tedious Joke Challenge. As I recall, it won, because no one would admit that they didn't get it.
I guess some people think ethnic coprophagia is something worth laughing about, rather than the sensible money-saving idea that it is.
I was hoping for some of those really gross, firth-grade jokes from the old days when we actually pretended they were funny. The bald-headed mouse, the man who lived over the pickle factory, the Long Dick Club, all those "Doc, Doc, you gotta help me!" jokes, the farmer's daughter. The ones that Noah enjoyed.
---dr.M.
jfinn
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2002
- Posts
- 593
Okay, then how about these?
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. He glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting" the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."
.............
The Stutter
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope.....AAAA ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
........
Two Aliens in Detroit
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader."
Of course he gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said take me to your leader."
Of course, still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him."
At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader."
Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy.
He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies, "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear."
...
Little Red Riding Hood
So, Little Red Riding Hood goes trotting along to Grandma's house. Along the way, she meets a squirrel and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you better watch out. The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you."
She says, "I'm not worried. I have a gun!" and goes on her way.
She comes upon a rabbit. The rabbit says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you better go back home. The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you."
She says, "I'm not worried. I have a gun!" and keeps going.
Finally, she arrives at Grandma's house and walks inside. There the Big Bad Wolf is waiting for her.
He says, "Ha! Little Red Riding Hood, I've been looking for you, and now I'm going to fuck you!"
Little Red Riding Hood drops her basket, whips out her gun and says, "Oh, no you're not! You're gonna eat me, just like the book says!"
....
Sexual Frequency
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
.......
Jayne
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. He glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting" the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."
.............
The Stutter
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope.....AAAA ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
........
Two Aliens in Detroit
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader."
Of course he gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said take me to your leader."
Of course, still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him."
At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader."
Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy.
He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies, "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear."
...
Little Red Riding Hood
So, Little Red Riding Hood goes trotting along to Grandma's house. Along the way, she meets a squirrel and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you better watch out. The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you."
She says, "I'm not worried. I have a gun!" and goes on her way.
She comes upon a rabbit. The rabbit says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you better go back home. The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you."
She says, "I'm not worried. I have a gun!" and keeps going.
Finally, she arrives at Grandma's house and walks inside. There the Big Bad Wolf is waiting for her.
He says, "Ha! Little Red Riding Hood, I've been looking for you, and now I'm going to fuck you!"
Little Red Riding Hood drops her basket, whips out her gun and says, "Oh, no you're not! You're gonna eat me, just like the book says!"
....
Sexual Frequency
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
.......
Jayne
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
Not exactly "dirty" but...
The European Union decided to standardize on condoms. One of the decisions to be reached was on the number of condoms to be sold in each packet.
The French representative said that there should be 7 condoms in a packet. When asked why, he said that there should be one for each day of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
The Italian representative objected and countered that there should be 9 condoms in a packet. Everyone was a little surprised and he was asked to justify. He said, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday, and Sunday.
The English representative was agitated and said that there should be 12 condoms in the packet. Everyone was perplexed and he was asked to explain why. He said, January, February, March...
[And I am ready for all the flames from across the pond.]
The European Union decided to standardize on condoms. One of the decisions to be reached was on the number of condoms to be sold in each packet.
The French representative said that there should be 7 condoms in a packet. When asked why, he said that there should be one for each day of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
The Italian representative objected and countered that there should be 9 condoms in a packet. Everyone was a little surprised and he was asked to justify. He said, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday, and Sunday.
The English representative was agitated and said that there should be 12 condoms in the packet. Everyone was perplexed and he was asked to explain why. He said, January, February, March...
[And I am ready for all the flames from across the pond.]
Dolma Kalem
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2002
- Posts
- 48
Nymphomaniac Convention
Jayne,
Thanks for that one. It was a cracker, as an Irish comedian would say. What's more, I never saw it coming. LOL
Now as for the hamster, just imagine the little fella's disappointment the next time he does it! I assume that hubby won't be so accomodating next time. The poor little chap will be soo upset. It could scar him for life.
Jayne,
Thanks for that one. It was a cracker, as an Irish comedian would say. What's more, I never saw it coming. LOL
Now as for the hamster, just imagine the little fella's disappointment the next time he does it! I assume that hubby won't be so accomodating next time. The poor little chap will be soo upset. It could scar him for life.
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
Re: Not exactly "dirty" but...
The English representative must have been over-sexed. What he should have asked for was expiry dates on the packaging. Do they last ten years?
Unless he knew an Essex Girl. They don't take "No" for an answer and buy condoms by the gross - every day.
Og
hiddenself said:
The English representative must have been over-sexed. What he should have asked for was expiry dates on the packaging. Do they last ten years?
Unless he knew an Essex Girl. They don't take "No" for an answer and buy condoms by the gross - every day.
Og
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Thanks, Jayne! That was exactly what I was looking for. And I liked the way you started the Red Riding Hood story with the classic "So..."
And HiddenSelf too. That was great,
---dr.M.
And HiddenSelf too. That was great,
---dr.M.
johngalt47
Virgin
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 19
A boy whale meets a girl whale and asks her out on a date.
They're cruising along when the boy whale suddenly stops. "See that boat over there. That's the one that killed my mom. Let's go over and spout and bump the boat and scare them."
The girl whale agrees and so that do that. But the boy whale gets too enthusiastic and knocks a hole in the boat and it sinks. Fortunately all the sailors get into life boats.
"That's not enough," says the boy whale. "Let's go eat them."
"Wait a minute, buster," replies the girl whale. "This is just a first date. A blow job is one thing, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
They're cruising along when the boy whale suddenly stops. "See that boat over there. That's the one that killed my mom. Let's go over and spout and bump the boat and scare them."
The girl whale agrees and so that do that. But the boy whale gets too enthusiastic and knocks a hole in the boat and it sinks. Fortunately all the sailors get into life boats.
"That's not enough," says the boy whale. "Let's go eat them."
"Wait a minute, buster," replies the girl whale. "This is just a first date. A blow job is one thing, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Re: Not exactly "dirty" but...
Nah, as long as you don't insult Swedes, that joke's fine with me!
Especially since I voted "no" to Sweden joining the damned union in the first place, so - ridicule it all you want!
hiddenself said:
[And I am ready for all the flames from across the pond.]
Nah, as long as you don't insult Swedes, that joke's fine with me!
Especially since I voted "no" to Sweden joining the damned union in the first place, so - ridicule it all you want!
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
jfinn, I loved your alien story..!
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
The priest walked through the forest on a beautiful summer's day, and passed a little lake. Then he heard a faint cry for help. He looked around, but couldn't see anyone. He was just about to continue on his way, when he heard the cry once more. This time, he saw a small frog sitting on a stone, and realized that it was the frog that had been calling out to him.
-Please, help me! it cried. An evil witch has cast a spell on me! I'm really not a frog, but a cute, naked, 14-year-old girl!
-But how can I help you, dear child? said the priest.
-The only way to break the spell, is if you will take me home with you, and put me in your bed, and lie down next to me, naked, said the little frog.
...Well, your honor, the benevolant priest did so... and that concludes the defence's tale of what REALLY happened!
-Please, help me! it cried. An evil witch has cast a spell on me! I'm really not a frog, but a cute, naked, 14-year-old girl!
-But how can I help you, dear child? said the priest.
-The only way to break the spell, is if you will take me home with you, and put me in your bed, and lie down next to me, naked, said the little frog.
...Well, your honor, the benevolant priest did so... and that concludes the defence's tale of what REALLY happened!
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
OK, this is not really dirty, but it's fun. It's a Lesson in Philosophy...
G
Guest
Guest
quickies
Q:What do you call a steer masturbating in a field?
A: Beef Strokin' Off
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
I'm so ashamed.
b
Q:What do you call a steer masturbating in a field?
A: Beef Strokin' Off
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
I'm so ashamed. b
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Re: quickies
Ewwwwwwww...
bridgetkeeney said:
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
Ewwwwwwww...
Just-Legal
Goth Flufflet
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2001
- Posts
- 4,075
*snickers*
I have to find my book with the parrot joke in it...
I have to find my book with the parrot joke in it...
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Jayne,
Well, I didn't think you'd made up those jokes. No one makes up dirty jokes and no one knows where they come from.
The truth is that they're seeded onto our planet by aliens, as part of their psychological studies of our puny species. They want to know why we think a man who wears his scrotum for a bowtie* is funny, but Michael Jackson isn't.
---dr.M.
* See "Doc, Doc, ya gotta help me!" Jokes: The Man Who Lost Too Much Weight Too Fast And Had To Massage All His Loose Skin Up To The Top Of Hi s Head And Tie It In A Knot
Well, I didn't think you'd made up those jokes. No one makes up dirty jokes and no one knows where they come from.
The truth is that they're seeded onto our planet by aliens, as part of their psychological studies of our puny species. They want to know why we think a man who wears his scrotum for a bowtie* is funny, but Michael Jackson isn't.
---dr.M.
* See "Doc, Doc, ya gotta help me!" Jokes: The Man Who Lost Too Much Weight Too Fast And Had To Massage All His Loose Skin Up To The Top Of Hi s Head And Tie It In A Knot
Octavian
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2002
- Posts
- 601
How about this one, then?
My last joke seemed to fall onto stony ground. Maybe this one will appeal.
It was the first day in the shop for the new assistant. The senior sales person was giving him the benefit of his years of experience.
“The thing is, besides the things your customer wants, you have to sell him the things he doesn’t know he needs.”
“What do you mean?” the junior asked.
Just then a customer entered the shop.
“I’ll show you what I mean,” said the senior. “Just watch and listen.”
He approached the customer “Good morning, Sir. How can I help you?”
I’d like a packet of grass seed, please.”
“Certainly.” He looked at the customer. “Are you making a lawn?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I am.”
“In that case,” said the senior assistant, “you will no doubt need a lawn mower. We have a very wide range in the shop.”
The customer struck his forehead with his open palm. “Of course I do! Thank you.”
A little while later he left the shop with the box of grass seed and with a new lawn mower.
The young assistant was very impressed. His mentor was basking in the glory. “That is all there is to it. You serve the next customer and put into practice what I've showed you."
A man walked in somewhat hesitantly and was approached by the new assistant.
“Good morning, Sir. How can I help you?”
The customer lowered his voice. “I’d like a box of sanitary towels, please.”
“Certainly!” As he was about to ring up the sale, the young assistant looked at the customer. “Can I interest you in our range of lawn mowers?”
The customer was incredulous. “I have come in for sanitary towels. Why should I be interested in your lawn mowers?”
“Well,” the assistant replied, “there’s no sex for you this weekend. You might as well cut the grass!”
Octavian
My other rubbish
My last joke seemed to fall onto stony ground. Maybe this one will appeal.
It was the first day in the shop for the new assistant. The senior sales person was giving him the benefit of his years of experience.
“The thing is, besides the things your customer wants, you have to sell him the things he doesn’t know he needs.”
“What do you mean?” the junior asked.
Just then a customer entered the shop.
“I’ll show you what I mean,” said the senior. “Just watch and listen.”
He approached the customer “Good morning, Sir. How can I help you?”
I’d like a packet of grass seed, please.”
“Certainly.” He looked at the customer. “Are you making a lawn?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I am.”
“In that case,” said the senior assistant, “you will no doubt need a lawn mower. We have a very wide range in the shop.”
The customer struck his forehead with his open palm. “Of course I do! Thank you.”
A little while later he left the shop with the box of grass seed and with a new lawn mower.
The young assistant was very impressed. His mentor was basking in the glory. “That is all there is to it. You serve the next customer and put into practice what I've showed you."
A man walked in somewhat hesitantly and was approached by the new assistant.
“Good morning, Sir. How can I help you?”
The customer lowered his voice. “I’d like a box of sanitary towels, please.”
“Certainly!” As he was about to ring up the sale, the young assistant looked at the customer. “Can I interest you in our range of lawn mowers?”
The customer was incredulous. “I have come in for sanitary towels. Why should I be interested in your lawn mowers?”
“Well,” the assistant replied, “there’s no sex for you this weekend. You might as well cut the grass!”
Octavian
My other rubbish
