Dirty jokes

[Svenskaflicka]

I saw one thread like this before, but I lost it, and don't remember where it was, so here I go creating a new one!

Post your dirty jokes here! I'll go first, to set things off:

A group of nuns died in a bus accident, and went to heaven. As they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St Peter greeted them.

-Hello, sisters, and welcome to heaven. Now, before you enter Paradise, I'm gonna make sure that you have led a pure and religious life. Sister Mary, have you ever touched a man's penis?

Blushing, the nun answers:

-Once... when I was young... I touched a man's penis with the tip of my finger.

-Well, says St Peter, that's not so bad. Here, dip that finger tip in this bowl of holy water, and you will be cleaned, and then you may enter Paradise.

The nun obeys, and is let in through the Pearly Gates. St Peter turns to another nun.

-Sister Karen, have you ever touched a man's penis?

-Yes... says the nun reluctantly. Once, when I was young... before I became a nun... I once jerked a man off.

St Peter frowns, and says:

-Well, that's not good. But, I'll overlook that. Just put your hand in this bowl of holy water, and you will be cleaned, and then you may enter Paradise.

The nun obeys, and is let in through the Pearly Gates. All of a sudden, there's a commotion in the back of the line, and one nun pushes herself to the front of the line.

-My sister, what's the problem? says St Peter. Why are you in such a hurry?

-Well, you see, it's like this, says the nun. If I am going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before sister Elizabeth sticks her butt into it!

 

[Axeltheswede]

jokes

Old West saloon. Dog walks in, calls the bartender over and says, "I'm lookin' for the fella that shot my paw."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Sorry, Axel, I'm a blonde - could you explain that joke to me?

 

[Weird Harold]

Sorry, Axel, I'm a blonde - could you explain that joke to me?

Since Axel's gone for the night(?) I'll give it a shot.

A standard cliche of american western movies is the "young kid looking for revenge" who at some point steps into a bar to confont the villians and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa."

The dog limps in (if Axel had told the joke right) and says the same thing, only he's talking about his injured foot (paw).

It's a pun and puns don't often translate well.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

OK, I get it! Thanks, Harold! That's funny!

I love word jokes.

 

[Ulyssa]

This one was posted on the BDSM board

By Monster666:



A large man walked into a public restroom where a dwarf was peeing.

After doing a double take, the big guy said to the little one, "Excuse me for noticing,
but you have a very large dick. Is that natural, or were you born that way?"

"Not at all," the little guy said. "You see, I'm a leprechaun, I wished it upon myself."

"Wow," the big guy said, "Well, could you possibly wish something like that for me?"

"Sure, but it's a very potent spell, and it only works if you let me butt fuck you for 5 minutes."

The big guy thought it over for moment and reluctantly agreed. "If it works, it will be worth it."

After it was all over, the big guy groaned. "Christ, I'm sore. I can't believe I let you do that."

Then the dwarf grinned. "I can't believe you bought that old leprechaun routine."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Superman is out flying, and he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a roof top, completely naked. Superman has always had the hots for Wonder Woman, so, he zooms down there in super-speed, wham-wham-wham, he cums in super-speed, and off he flies, in super-speed.

Wonder Woman gasps for breath, shocked.

-What the f**k was THAT??? she asks.

-I don't know, moans Invisible Man. But it sure hurts!

 

[Guest]

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is "doggie style".

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!


(I posted this the other evening under a thread entitled married positions - it fits better here!)

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Ulyssa and Sarah, those were GREAT!!!

3 women are sitting at the maternity ward, all very pregnant, for the first time.

-I've heard that the position in which the baby is conceived determines what gender it's going to have, says the brunette. I'm going to have a boy, because my husband was on top of me when our baby was made.

-In that case, I'm gonna have a daughter, coz I was on top of my husband when our baby was made, beams the red-head.

The blonde gets up off her chair and screams in panic:

-Oh my GOD!!! I'm gonna have PUPPIES!!!

 

[Octavian]

Last night my wife and I achieved perfect sexual harmony.

We both had headaches at the same time!

 

[Rod Hardwick]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants. Bartender says, 'Hey pirate, what's up with the steering wheel stuck down the front of your pants?"

The pirate responds, "Arrrrr!! It's drivin' me nuts!!"

 

[togitc]

I have more

A guy is driving down the road and sees a sign that reads "St. Mary's Whore House 3 miles". He shrugs it off and continues to drive when he sees the next sign "St. Mary's Whore House 2 miles". Well this continues until he sees a sign that says "St. Mary's Whore House next exit". He can't help it he takes the exit and pulls into the parking lot. He is greeted at the door by a young nun, he smiles. She says "Give me fifty dollars, take off your closes and go through that door."
The man gladly does this and goes through the door. Suddenly the door behind him opens and he is knocked out. He wakes up three miles away with a note tied to him that says:
You have just been fucked by the nuns of St. Mary. Thank you and have a nice walk.

 

[Ulyssa]

Have you ever noticed...

As with togetc's post there is something intrinsically funny about religion and sexy jokes?

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
They're afraid someone might think they are dancing.

Why did the Mennonite High school schedule driver's ed on one day and sex ed on another?
Because they only had one mule.

There are probably hundreds more.

 

[christcat69]

lol

Why did the gay guy get fired from the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

My homepage

 

[Star of Penumbra]

The seven dwarves are on a visit to the Vatican, when they see the pope walking down the hall towards them. Dopey runs up to him and says "Oh your eminence, I have a question for you."

"Of course, what is it?" The pope says.

"Oh your holiness, are there any midget nuns here at the Vatican?" Dopey asks. The other six dwarves start to giggle.

A bit confused, the pope says "No my son, there are no midget nuns here at the Vvatican."

"Are there any midget nuns in all of Europe, holiness?" Dopey asks hopefully. The other dwarves are laughing harder now.

Still confused, the pope says, "No my son, there are no midget nuns in all of Europe."

"Oh your holiness!" Dopey implores "Are there any midget nuns anywhere in the world?!" Behind him, the other dwarves are falling all over each other with laughter.

Completely baffled, the pope says "No my son, there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world!"

The other six dwarves start chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

 

[Svenskaflicka]

rofl

Great one, Star!!!

*chuckles*

 

[Svenskaflicka]

An old woman walks into a sex shop, shaking all over, as if she has the flu or a terrible case of Parkinson. She asks if she can look at some dildos. The shopkeeper shows her their standard assortment, but she shakes her head (as much as one can tell, as all of her is shaking) and says she wants to see some really BIG dildos. The shopkeeper goes in the back and brings out a box of supersize dildos, but the old lady again disapproves, and says that she wants to see the biggest dildo they have. The shopkeeper goes down into the basement, and comes back up with a giant, monster-size dildo, put some batteries in it, and starts it. It starts moving like a jackhammer on the counter.

-Tha-tha-tha-that's it! cries the old lady. That's the o-o-o-one! How d-d-d-d-do you st-t-t-t-t-top that thing???

 

[Rod Hardwick]

Why do you call the area between a woman's breasts and her legs a waist?

...


Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there!

 

[BgMma]

There was a lovely woman sitting in a bar and man spotted her and decided to chat her up.
"May I buy you a drink," he says. She looks at him and says "only if your rhyme can beat mine."
He thinks for a minute and then tells her to go ahead.
"Well, two plus two is four, four plus five is nine, I can guess the length of yours, can you guess the depth of mine?"
The mans hangs his head and leaves.
Soon after, another man comes up to her.
"May I buy you a drink?"
"Only if your rhyme can beat mine."
"Okay, shoot."
"Two plus two is four, four plus five is nine, I can guess the length of yours, can you guess the depth of mine?"
This man shook his head also and left.
A third man came up to her and sat down.
"May I buy you a drink," he asks.
"Only if your rhyme can beat mine."
"Okay. I am ready."
"Two plus two is four, four plus five is nine, I can guess the length of yours, can you guess the depth of mine?"
He thought for a few minutes and then he turned to her again.
"Well, two plus two IS four and four plus five IS nine, but I can piss in yours and you can't piss in mine!"




Courtesy of my late Uncle Roger

 

[Rod Hardwick]

clean jokes

Okay, I know it's not dirty, but I love this joke...guaranteed to make your friends roll their eyes and/or throw things at you.

There are these two members of an African tribe, and one day, they're sitting around in their grass hut, trying to figure out what they should do today. They come up with the great idea to steal the throne of the neighboring tribe's king. So, they sneak over in the middle of the night, and abscond with the throne, which they hide up in the rafters of their grass hut. The next day, they're sitting around, laughing about their exploit, when the heavy throne breaks through the rafters of the hut and crushes them.

Just goes to show you, people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!

 

[Coolville]

Shortest Joke in the World...

a man walks into a bar... "Ow!"

 

[Coolville]

What do you call that useless bit of skin around a dick?


The man.

 

[Coolville]

A piece of string walks into a bar.

The bartender says, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here. You gotta leave.'

The string walks out. Thinks. Then he ties himself up and unravels himself at one end.

He walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, 'I thought I told you we don't serve pieces of string in here! Didn't you hear me last time?'

The piece of string replies, 'I'm a frayed knot.'

 

[Coolville]

Regional humour...

What's the best thing ever to come out of Sweden?

The bridge to Denmark.

 

[Coolville]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Cheese.