Dirty jokes
- Thread starter Svenskaflicka
- Start date
Coolville
rampant quodlibertarius
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I'm on a roll.... somebody stop me...
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.
'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'
'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start dancing and chanting, 'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!!'
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.
'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'
'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start dancing and chanting, 'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!!'
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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Re: somebody stop me
Coolville,
Not only have you misread the thread title --dirty jokes --you're cribbing from earlier in the thread for the one joke that fits.
Remember now, that's DIRTY jokes, not stupid jokes.
Coolville,
Not only have you misread the thread title --dirty jokes --you're cribbing from earlier in the thread for the one joke that fits.
Remember now, that's DIRTY jokes, not stupid jokes.
Coolville
rampant quodlibertarius
- Joined
- May 16, 2001
- Posts
- 2,807
Grumpy Harald,
Humour (if you have it) is relative. Who are you to say that I can't be offended by the filthy nature of a surrealist joke? Or perhaps it isn't possible to take offence at jokes about the racism that pieces of string all too often are subject to? There may be whole villages of people somewhere north of Lake Baikal that find these subjects taboo and dirty. You don't know that.
I expect you to post chastising posts, asap, to all those in this thread who have had the cheeky nerve to post 'clean' that didn't exactly fit into YOUR framework.
Threads are like conversation, dear Harald. They evolve.
If I didn't find smileys ridiculous, I would insert a smiley face (here) so that you understand that my tone is a gentle, jesting one.
Forlåt, svenskaflicka, det var ikke min mening at fornærme de andre i din tråd med min rene vittigheder... jankierne har ingen humor åbenbart.
Humour (if you have it) is relative. Who are you to say that I can't be offended by the filthy nature of a surrealist joke? Or perhaps it isn't possible to take offence at jokes about the racism that pieces of string all too often are subject to? There may be whole villages of people somewhere north of Lake Baikal that find these subjects taboo and dirty. You don't know that.
I expect you to post chastising posts, asap, to all those in this thread who have had the cheeky nerve to post 'clean' that didn't exactly fit into YOUR framework.
Threads are like conversation, dear Harald. They evolve.
If I didn't find smileys ridiculous, I would insert a smiley face (here) so that you understand that my tone is a gentle, jesting one.
Forlåt, svenskaflicka, det var ikke min mening at fornærme de andre i din tråd med min rene vittigheder... jankierne har ingen humor åbenbart.
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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OK, boys, no fighting on my thread!!!
*putting on my evil schoolteacher's uniform and waving stick at Harold, Coolville and Harold*
And please - this IS a thread for naughty jokes! As much as I enjot all the others as well, pretty please - dirty jokes only in the future!
*putting on my evil schoolteacher's uniform and waving stick at Harold, Coolville and Harold*
And please - this IS a thread for naughty jokes! As much as I enjot all the others as well, pretty please - dirty jokes only in the future!
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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- 23,768
Coolville said:
Not grumpy, trying to behelpful -- you did ask someone to stop you.
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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Re: Regional humour...
Okej, nu är jag sur... *plutar med underläppen*
Coolville said:
Okej, nu är jag sur...
*plutar med underläppen*Groucho Barns
Virgin
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- Jul 20, 2002
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- 7
I'm not sure how well this one will translate to writing...
Two guys get paired up at the first tee of the golf course.
First guy tees off and shouts "FORE!"
Second guy tees his ball. When he drives, he shouts, "FFFuh fuh fooor."
First guy turns to the second guy and says, "I used to stutter myself. Then, one day, my wife gave me a great blow job and I haven't stuttered since. Now, that's what you need to do!"
The second guy haltingly thanks the first guy for the advice and assured him that he would give it a try.
They played their eighteen holes and went their separate ways.
Several months later, the same two guys were paired off at the golf course again.
First guy drives his golf ball and shouts, "FORE!"
Second guy drives, he shouts, "FFFuh fuh fooor."
The first guy turns to the second guy, clearly offended, and says, "I told you how to take care of that stutter. Why didn't you take my advice?"
The second guy answered, "Uh uh I duh duh did. I duh dhuh did juh juh just whu whu what you sa sa said. Duh duh didn't wuh work for muh me. suh suh sorry.
yuh yuh you ha ha have a realy nuh nuh nice hou house, though."
Two guys get paired up at the first tee of the golf course.
First guy tees off and shouts "FORE!"
Second guy tees his ball. When he drives, he shouts, "FFFuh fuh fooor."
First guy turns to the second guy and says, "I used to stutter myself. Then, one day, my wife gave me a great blow job and I haven't stuttered since. Now, that's what you need to do!"
The second guy haltingly thanks the first guy for the advice and assured him that he would give it a try.
They played their eighteen holes and went their separate ways.
Several months later, the same two guys were paired off at the golf course again.
First guy drives his golf ball and shouts, "FORE!"
Second guy drives, he shouts, "FFFuh fuh fooor."
The first guy turns to the second guy, clearly offended, and says, "I told you how to take care of that stutter. Why didn't you take my advice?"
The second guy answered, "Uh uh I duh duh did. I duh dhuh did juh juh just whu whu what you sa sa said. Duh duh didn't wuh work for muh me. suh suh sorry.
yuh yuh you ha ha have a realy nuh nuh nice hou house, though."
pinklipstick
Really Experienced
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- 103
A little boy and a little girl were playing in the sandbox. At one point, the little boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a penny to show it to the girl.
“I have one of these,” the boy says proudly.
Not to be outdone, the little girl reaches into her pocket and pulls a penny out, “I have one too.”
Chagrined, the little boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dime, “Well, I have a dime.”
Nonplused, the little girl reaches into her pocket and pulls out a dime also.
Not having any more coins, the little boy ponders. After a minute he pulls up his shirt and announces, “I have two of these!”
The little girl lifts up her shirt and says, “Yeah, I have those too.”
Frustrated, the little boy thinks hard. Finally he stands up and pulls down his pants, “I have one of these!”
Upset, the little girl leaves the sandbox and runs home.
The next day the little girl saunters up to the sandbox where the boy was playing. She pulls up her skirt and smirks.
“My mother told me as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
“I have one of these,” the boy says proudly.
Not to be outdone, the little girl reaches into her pocket and pulls a penny out, “I have one too.”
Chagrined, the little boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dime, “Well, I have a dime.”
Nonplused, the little girl reaches into her pocket and pulls out a dime also.
Not having any more coins, the little boy ponders. After a minute he pulls up his shirt and announces, “I have two of these!”
The little girl lifts up her shirt and says, “Yeah, I have those too.”
Frustrated, the little boy thinks hard. Finally he stands up and pulls down his pants, “I have one of these!”
Upset, the little girl leaves the sandbox and runs home.
The next day the little girl saunters up to the sandbox where the boy was playing. She pulls up her skirt and smirks.
“My mother told me as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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pinklipstick, that's so cute...
Guaranteed to appeal to all fetishes and disgust all readers
There was a family, father, mother, son, and daughter, all living happily together. The mom, however, wasn't entirely satisfied because her husband never seemed to have much interest in sex, so she went to her doctor for help.
The doctor gave her a bottle of pills, and said, "Give just one of these to your husband every month, and trust me, you'll be pleased with the results!" She goes home but is too antsy to wait and instead feeds him the entire bottle in one night.
A week passes. The doctor is informed he has a client; it's the woman's son. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?"
"Are you the man who sold my mom those horny pills?"
"Yes, I am...why?"
The son jumps over the doctor's desk, screaming, "You son of a bitch! My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad is out in the yard going 'Heeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"
There was a family, father, mother, son, and daughter, all living happily together. The mom, however, wasn't entirely satisfied because her husband never seemed to have much interest in sex, so she went to her doctor for help.
The doctor gave her a bottle of pills, and said, "Give just one of these to your husband every month, and trust me, you'll be pleased with the results!" She goes home but is too antsy to wait and instead feeds him the entire bottle in one night.
A week passes. The doctor is informed he has a client; it's the woman's son. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?"
"Are you the man who sold my mom those horny pills?"
"Yes, I am...why?"
The son jumps over the doctor's desk, screaming, "You son of a bitch! My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad is out in the yard going 'Heeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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- Jun 9, 2002
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Viagra Joke
A man is impotent, and goes to the doctor to get some help. The doctor gives him a bottle of Viagra, and the man takes a pill.
Within a few minutes, he gets the hugest hardon he's ever had. He decides to play hooky from work, and runs home to have sex with his wife.
He takes a shortcut through the zoo, and as he passes the elephant's yard, he can't help but pull his pants down and waving his long dick in the air to show off.
The elephant looks at him, and asks, kindly:
-Yeah, its cute... but can it pick up peanuts?
A man is impotent, and goes to the doctor to get some help. The doctor gives him a bottle of Viagra, and the man takes a pill.
Within a few minutes, he gets the hugest hardon he's ever had. He decides to play hooky from work, and runs home to have sex with his wife.
He takes a shortcut through the zoo, and as he passes the elephant's yard, he can't help but pull his pants down and waving his long dick in the air to show off.
The elephant looks at him, and asks, kindly:
-Yeah, its cute... but can it pick up peanuts?
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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YES!
I'm Really Really Experienced!!!
I'm Really Really Experienced!!!
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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- Jun 9, 2002
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...and if he's gone through fertility treatment, you have to use knife and fork...
togitc
Sporadic
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- Jul 15, 2002
- Posts
- 1,275
He He
A guy is on a buisness trip and stops into a local store for a gift for his wife. He is walking down the rows of stuff when he sees the "Voodoo dick" his interest is peeked so he buys it and gives it to his wife upon his return.
She reads the instructions and it says "Say voodoo dick my INSERT BODY PART HERE". She stands up and says "Voodoo dick my pussy." The voodoo dick jumps to life and just starts going at her. It is doing such a good job she cums like ten times in less than a minutes she can't think straight. "Stop." she says . "Voodoo dick ohh!" She can't think of anything to stop it so she hops into the car and starts driving toward the hospital.
She keeps swerving all over the road because like every ten seconds she cums. A cop see this and pulls her over.
"Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
"No sssirr, it's the....the...OH GOD! The voodoo dick." She says trying to keep her head together.
The cops looks at her and says. "Voodoo dick my ass."
A guy is on a buisness trip and stops into a local store for a gift for his wife. He is walking down the rows of stuff when he sees the "Voodoo dick" his interest is peeked so he buys it and gives it to his wife upon his return.
She reads the instructions and it says "Say voodoo dick my INSERT BODY PART HERE". She stands up and says "Voodoo dick my pussy." The voodoo dick jumps to life and just starts going at her. It is doing such a good job she cums like ten times in less than a minutes she can't think straight. "Stop." she says . "Voodoo dick ohh!" She can't think of anything to stop it so she hops into the car and starts driving toward the hospital.
She keeps swerving all over the road because like every ten seconds she cums. A cop see this and pulls her over.
"Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
"No sssirr, it's the....the...OH GOD! The voodoo dick." She says trying to keep her head together.
The cops looks at her and says. "Voodoo dick my ass."
NoDozAddict
Virgin
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- May 8, 2002
- Posts
- 8
There's this guy, with a horrible speech impediment...
One day, he decides to do some shopping, so he goes into the bakery and asks the baker for a "Bum."
The baker just looks at him like, "What the hell?" and the guy says again, "I need a bum!"
Finally, the baker realizes that he wants a bun!
So the guy walks out of the store with his bun, and continues onto the hardware store. He walks into the store and asks the clerk for a "Fucket."
Again, the clerk is just like, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"
So, the guy points to a bucket and says, "I want a fucket!" and finally walks out of the store with his bucket.
The guy decides he's lonely, having such a horrible speech impediment so he goes to a pet store.
He walks up to a clerk there and asks for a "Cockan spankit." The clerk is completely dumbfounded, but finally realizes that the guy wants a cocker spaniel.
So the guy walks out of the pet store with his cocker spaniel, and sets out towards home.
While he's walking home, the cocker spaniel tears the leash from his hand and runs away.
Obviously, the guy needs to catch his dog, so he asks a person walking by him, "Will you hold my bum and fucket while I find my cockan spankit?"
Badaboom.
(o:
One day, he decides to do some shopping, so he goes into the bakery and asks the baker for a "Bum."
The baker just looks at him like, "What the hell?" and the guy says again, "I need a bum!"
Finally, the baker realizes that he wants a bun!
So the guy walks out of the store with his bun, and continues onto the hardware store. He walks into the store and asks the clerk for a "Fucket."
Again, the clerk is just like, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"
So, the guy points to a bucket and says, "I want a fucket!" and finally walks out of the store with his bucket.
The guy decides he's lonely, having such a horrible speech impediment so he goes to a pet store.
He walks up to a clerk there and asks for a "Cockan spankit." The clerk is completely dumbfounded, but finally realizes that the guy wants a cocker spaniel.
So the guy walks out of the pet store with his cocker spaniel, and sets out towards home.
While he's walking home, the cocker spaniel tears the leash from his hand and runs away.
Obviously, the guy needs to catch his dog, so he asks a person walking by him, "Will you hold my bum and fucket while I find my cockan spankit?"
Badaboom.
(o:
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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- 16,142
I know the medical term means Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, but I'm sure there are funnier versions..?
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
A Girl's First Time
Assume you are a girl (if you are a boy).
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience...
You smile and thank your dentist!
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
(not too dirty, but i love it )
-DP.
Assume you are a girl (if you are a boy).
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience...
You smile and thank your dentist!
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
(not too dirty, but i love it
)-DP.
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Famous Sexual Quotes
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
-DP.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
-DP.
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
A guy walks his girlfriend home from a date. She lives in ab apartment complex, and as they stand on the porch to say goodnight, he leans over, putting his hand against the wall for support, and looks her in the eyes.
-Baby... he says. How about you give me a blowjob?
-Oh no, I can't! says the girl. Not here! What if someone will see us?
-Oh, come on, it's dark, and there's no-one around, says the guy. Come on!
-No, I can't! says the girl.
-Oh, baby, I love you so much... murmurs the guy. Please..?
-No, no! says the girl. I love you too, but I can't do it!
At this point, the light goes on in the hallway, and the girl's baby sister, dressed in a long nightgown, opens the door.
-Daddy says that you should give in and give him a blowjob, she says, sleepily. And if not, I should do it. And if it's necessary, dad says he'll come down and do it himself. But for God's sake, tell that moron to take his hand off the speaker phone!
-Baby... he says. How about you give me a blowjob?
-Oh no, I can't! says the girl. Not here! What if someone will see us?
-Oh, come on, it's dark, and there's no-one around, says the guy. Come on!
-No, I can't! says the girl.
-Oh, baby, I love you so much... murmurs the guy. Please..?
-No, no! says the girl. I love you too, but I can't do it!
At this point, the light goes on in the hallway, and the girl's baby sister, dressed in a long nightgown, opens the door.
-Daddy says that you should give in and give him a blowjob, she says, sleepily. And if not, I should do it. And if it's necessary, dad says he'll come down and do it himself. But for God's sake, tell that moron to take his hand off the speaker phone!
M.A.Thompson
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2002
- Posts
- 159
My favorite joke.....
This guy is golfing one day and after he finishes, he goes out for a beer. At the pub, he meets this Asian prostitute and allthough she speaks no English, he gets her back to his place.
While making love she starts to moan softly..."Bing wang....oh bing wang."
Assuming she means she is enjoying herself, he proceeds to intensify his insertions. "Oh bing wang," she begins to moan even louder.
This has the man really turned on and he is now making love to her harder than he has any woman before. "Bing Wang!!!!!" she screams. "BING WANG!!!!!!!"
The next day, he is playing golf again and witnesses another golfer, Asian by coincidence, hit a beautiful 135 yard shot with a pitching wedge right into the hole.
"What a great shot," he thinks. "How can I let that guy know I thought it was fantastick." He thinks for a minute and yells out to the guy. "Hey buddy! Bing Wang!!!"
The Asain guy looks up, confused and shouts back, "What do you mean..Wrong hole!!?"
This guy is golfing one day and after he finishes, he goes out for a beer. At the pub, he meets this Asian prostitute and allthough she speaks no English, he gets her back to his place.
While making love she starts to moan softly..."Bing wang....oh bing wang."
Assuming she means she is enjoying herself, he proceeds to intensify his insertions. "Oh bing wang," she begins to moan even louder.
This has the man really turned on and he is now making love to her harder than he has any woman before. "Bing Wang!!!!!" she screams. "BING WANG!!!!!!!"
The next day, he is playing golf again and witnesses another golfer, Asian by coincidence, hit a beautiful 135 yard shot with a pitching wedge right into the hole.
"What a great shot," he thinks. "How can I let that guy know I thought it was fantastick." He thinks for a minute and yells out to the guy. "Hey buddy! Bing Wang!!!"
The Asain guy looks up, confused and shouts back, "What do you mean..Wrong hole!!?"
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
This beautiful woman goes to a psychoanlayst for some therapy.
Psychoanalyst: "Please lie down on that couch madam."
Woman: "Oh no Doc!! No way... that's how my problem started in the first place."
-DP.
Psychoanalyst: "Please lie down on that couch madam."
Woman: "Oh no Doc!! No way... that's how my problem started in the first place."
-DP.
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