differing sex drive ???

[teemeup]

posted this elsewhere, and wanted to see if it might generate more commentary here:

Just wanted to get some feedback on how anyone else may deal with differences in sex drive issues between you and your spouse or significant other?
Let me preface by saying that my wife is a great lover and is always willing to make sure I am sexually satisfied i.e. handjob, blowjob, but sometimes I feel guilty because she admittedly doesn't care as much about her orgasms and sexual release as I do. She doesn't generally orgasm from intercourse alone, but I do or am always willing stimulate her clitorally either orally or with my fingers to make sure she would orgasm. I would say she orgasms about 65% or our sexual encounters.
I absolutely LOVE to see and experience her orgasm and just wonder if I'm being selfish if she tells me she's happy with the frequency of her orgasms and our overall lovemaking and should just get over it.
Thanks for any comments

 

[unsureofherself]

hi this is my first post so hope I'm doing this... think you sound v caring and your wife is a lucky lady!

If you'd like my experience... I can be the same with my husband but he feels almost pressure to give me an orgasm which in turn can make me feel stressed about then coming... and all because we are trying to please the other...

I guess trust that she is being honest and relax about it? savour the times she does come and enjoy the intimacy the times she doesn't?

All the best
x

 

[old_scratch]

posted this elsewhere, and wanted to see if it might generate more commentary here:

Just wanted to get some feedback on how anyone else may deal with differences in sex drive issues between you and your spouse or significant other?
Let me preface by saying that my wife is a great lover and is always willing to make sure I am sexually satisfied i.e. handjob, blowjob, but sometimes I feel guilty because she admittedly doesn't care as much about her orgasms and sexual release as I do. She doesn't generally orgasm from intercourse alone, but I do or am always willing stimulate her clitorally either orally or with my fingers to make sure she would orgasm. I would say she orgasms about 65% or our sexual encounters.
I absolutely LOVE to see and experience her orgasm and just wonder if I'm being selfish if she tells me she's happy with the frequency of her orgasms and our overall lovemaking and should just get over it.
Thanks for any comments

The frequency and intensity of a woman’s orgasm often depends on her emotional connection with her lover. The quality of sex often reflects the quality of the relationship.

Even the best marriages can become routine and mundane after a while, and for a woman, sex can also become a bit routine. Perhaps you should spice-up your relationship a bit, nothing drastic, just add a little adventure and excitement to her life.

Beautiful and exciting sex is the culmination of a beautiful and exciting day. For a woman, great sex is not about technique, it is about her emotional connection with her lover.

 

[pplwatching]

IMHO this is one of those gray areas. There is no right or wrong when it comes to being satisfied sexually. If she says that she's happy with the frequency and quality of her orgasms and you have no reason to doubt that she's being honest, then perhaps you need to think about things in a different way.

It's always dangerous to treat orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex when there are so many other things that we get from it. Putting pressure on that one aspect of sex can cause inhibitions that affect intimacy. I think it's great to let your wife know that you want her to be happy, and that you want to give her pleasure during sex. A good place to start is by asking her what parts of sex with you she enjoys the most. Her answer may surprise you. It could be anything from having her back scratched to watching you orgasm. You just have to listen and understand that giving her pleasure might not mean what you think that it means.

You are certainly not alone in enjoying watching your lover orgasm. It's truly sensual, erotic, and very satisfying to give such a beautiful gift to one's lover. It sounds like in your marriage your wife feels the same way about pleasing you. I know that in my case I often felt guilty about having an orgasm when she didn't, especially if she wasn't interested in intercourse but wanted to give me a hand job or whatever. I chafed at the idea of 'wifely duty'. I accept those feelings as being a sign of a good lover, but it's equally important to accept that kind of gift from one's lover graciously because it keeps balance in the marriage bed. It allows her to meet your needs on her terms.

What has worked very well for me is expressing my needs to her in two distinct ways. The first is letting her know that I want to make her feel good every time we have any sort of sex (even if it's one sided), and enjoy an orgasm if she's in the mood for one. The second is letting her know how arousing and exquisitely beautiful it is to watch and feel her when she does. The first is about her. The second is about me. I have found that this keeps things from becoming a pressure cooker by letting her enjoy every experience, whether it's enjoying giving me pleasure or having an orgasm herself, because she knows that her pleasure is what's first and foremost -- and pleasure doesn't have to equal orgasm. As long as she's happy, I'm happy. As for the second, the times when she's feeling the mojo working she often goes out of her way to treat me to a scrumptious visual. She enjoys letting me watch her cum as a gift to me, much to my absolute delight. She often adjusts her position to give me a better view, or verbally expresses herself because she knows she's fulfilling a need that I have as well as enjoying her orgasm.

Simply put, I think the key is effective communication and understanding that being a good lover sometimes means just being a good listener and letting her roll with the ebb and flow of her own desires. Letting her know that she's giving you a thrill when she does orgasm may lead you to new places in the bedroom.

 

[cromsgirl]

From one woman's point of view:

Orgasm is not the goal of sex for me. It is almost in the realm of a side effect. Yes, I enjoy orgasms. But sex for me is more about the interaction between me and my husband. I almost never come from just vaginal stimulation. Except for a few rare occasions, I need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I can experience all the other phases of sexual arousal, including resolution afterward, even if I don't orgasm. This type of sex works just as well, if not better sometimes, for me. It also allows my to relax and not strive for orgasm, which is what I use to do. And then I would be disappointed when it didn't happen. And if I feel like an orgasm but my husband finishes first, I can masturbate to orgasm in about 2 minutes. Granted it did take us about 12 years to work this out between us, but it has worked well for the last 3 years. The most enjoyable thing about sex for me now is that there is no pressure; I can come or not as I choose.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Orgasm is not the goal of sex for me. It is almost in the realm of a side effect. Yes, I enjoy orgasms. But sex for me is more about the interaction between me and my husband. I almost never come from just vaginal stimulation. Except for a few rare occasions, I need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I can experience all the other phases of sexual arousal, including resolution afterward, even if I don't orgasm. This type of sex works just as well, if not better sometimes, for me. It also allows my to relax and not strive for orgasm, which is what I use to do. And then I would be disappointed when it didn't happen. And if I feel like an orgasm but my husband finishes first, I can masturbate to orgasm in about 2 minutes. Granted it did take us about 12 years to work this out between us, but it has worked well for the last 3 years. The most enjoyable thing about sex for me now is that there is no pressure; I can come or not as I choose.

That's basically how we work as well, within a power exchange relationship. However, I used to strive for that orgasm, because I'd worry that my partner would think there were something wrong between us if I didn't cum. Since learning that it's not a neccessity, I've been much happier.

Mind you though, it's not a difference in sex drive, by a long shot, I don't think. To me, a difference in sex drive would have someone wanting it, and the other not wanting it.. Or one wanting it much more than the other.

OP, if your wife's happy with how things are going, don't worry. Just view the orgasms she *does* have as a special treat.

 

[teemeup]

Thanks for all of the great comments and insight. I think the comments about orgasm being a goal are the best, and I just need to trust her, and I do, that the intimacy of any of our lovemaking, onesided or mutual, are satisfactory for her.

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

Thanks for all of the great comments and insight. I think the comments about orgasm being a goal are the best, and I just need to trust her, and I do, that the intimacy of any of our lovemaking, onesided or mutual, are satisfactory for her.

Everyone has given you great advice, and i totally agree with LizzieB, it doesn't sound like you necessarily have a difference in sex drive. I love love love sex, but don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy it. (not that i don't love orgasms). and i have to say that when hubby is "waiting" for me to orgasm, it really dampers my interest and enthusiasm.