Desperate question

[Gil_T2]

I pay the absolute minimum to him, that doesn't mean I don't give her money that he can't get his hands on. I did ask the tax department if I could pay it straight to her but damn red tape means that's not possible. And he's not exactly on the bones of his arse, he owns a farm worth over a million dollars for chrissakes

She's nearly 17 years old, not a child anymore. And I'm entitled to my feelings because I shut them down for so long, I was living on autopilot for years before I left him. Sure I'm angry, I feel I have a right to be. But I never mention my ex to her, or make bad remarks about him, because he is her dad and she loves him even if I don't.....

BANDIT your wasting your time explaining to narrow minds that can only look between what your posted to find what they think they see.

 

[Friek_77]

My wife has asked me to come home and try to work things out. I am going to go just so we can say we tried everything. I am not sure if this is the responsible or right reason but I need to be able to say we tried. I came to visit my kids the other night and when I was leaving my daughter ran upstairs crying, I was up all night and the following day with that vision in my head so when my wife asked me to come home I had to for my kids. This truly sucks cause I already know that no mending in the world is going to work I fell out of love, so once again back to square one how to tell her that it isnt her or the kids it really is me I just dont love her anymore not as a wife. She is a fantastic mother, sure she has some short comings but we all do. I do still have feelings for her just not the ones that I vowed to. I want to stay friends for the kids but the way she acted with only allowing me to see the kids here in the house that is gonna be rough. Once again thank you all for he wonderful help looks like I got some rough seas ahead but in time my kids, their mother and I will weather them just fine.

 

[badboy0]

this sounds a lot like sour grapes here...........

No...just stating facts. Like the guy who took home $7,200 a month, only to pay a total of $6,800 per month in support to his jobless wife and 2 kids. She bought a $375,000 house while on support.

A friend of mine knew a guy who was forced to live in his car while working 2 jobs to support his wife and kids. He eventually lost it because no one would listen to him and killed his kids. Now I don't condone doing that at all, but I can see why the guy eventually lost it and went nuts. He saw no way out.

And if you don't believe me, click on this

http://www.fathersforlife.org/fatherhood/Darrin_White.htm

and read an example of the kind of crap that goes on.

If women were subjected to this kind of treatment, there would be mass outrage. But because it's men, no one cares.

So I suggest you get your head out of the sand and wake up to reality.

 

[SweetErika]

No...just stating facts. Like the guy who took home $7,200 a month, only to pay a total of $6,800 per month in support to his jobless wife and 2 kids. She bought a $375,000 house while on support.

A friend of mine knew a guy who was forced to live in his car while working 2 jobs to support his wife and kids. He eventually lost it because no one would listen to him and killed his kids. Now I don't condone doing that at all, but I can see why the guy eventually lost it and went nuts. He saw no way out.

And if you don't believe me, click on this

http://www.fathersforlife.org/fatherhood/Darrin_White.htm

and read an example of the kind of crap that goes on.

If women were subjected to this kind of treatment, there would be mass outrage. But because it's men, no one cares.

So I suggest you get your head out of the sand and wake up to reality.

Those are extreme examples, and were likely screwups in the justice system (most courts won't order more than a certain percentage of income to child support unless they have good evidence that the parent is hiding income or assets). In both cases, the fathers could have petitioned the court to reassess the amount of child support to be paid, or they could have asked for custody of the kids and the mothers would have had to pay support. We really ought to be looking at how ALL children can have their needs met instead of isolated examples of parents who overpaid for whatever reason.

 

[fille]

My wife has asked me to come home and try to work things out. I am going to go just so we can say we tried everything. I am not sure if this is the responsible or right reason but I need to be able to say we tried. I came to visit my kids the other night and when I was leaving my daughter ran upstairs crying, I was up all night and the following day with that vision in my head so when my wife asked me to come home I had to for my kids. This truly sucks cause I already know that no mending in the world is going to work I fell out of love, so once again back to square one how to tell her that it isnt her or the kids it really is me I just dont love her anymore not as a wife. She is a fantastic mother, sure she has some short comings but we all do. I do still have feelings for her just not the ones that I vowed to. I want to stay friends for the kids but the way she acted with only allowing me to see the kids here in the house that is gonna be rough. Once again thank you all for he wonderful help looks like I got some rough seas ahead but in time my kids, their mother and I will weather them just fine.

I think you are making the right decision. Even if you do wind up divorcing, it won't be without having given it a chance. And if you go into counseling with an open mind, you might find that it is possible for you to regain your romantic feelings for your wife.

 

[badboy0]

Those are extreme examples, and were likely screwups in the justice system (most courts won't order more than a certain percentage of income to child support unless they have good evidence that the parent is hiding income or assets). In both cases, the fathers could have petitioned the court to reassess the amount of child support to be paid, or they could have asked for custody of the kids and the mothers would have had to pay support. We really ought to be looking at how ALL children can have their needs met instead of isolated examples of parents who overpaid for whatever reason.

Petitioning the court to reduce the amount of support paid is a waste of time. Even if there's good reason for it, support increases/decreases usually only go one way.

As for a father asking for custody of the kids, you must be joking. Usually the only way a father can get custody is if the mother flat out doesn't want the kids, or is a crack addict and a hooker combined into one.

You really want to sweep this under the rug by saying these are "isolated examples" and were likely "screwups in the justice system". Well, screwups happen when someone forgets to fill out a form, or mistakenly writes the wrong number down on a piece of paper, or whatever. In these cases, the judges had full knowledge of the amounts earned and paid by these guys, but didn't care.

There was another case where a guy was left with literally pennies in his bank account after paying support. So he went to the welfare office and asked if he could get welfare. Of course, he was refused because he was employed. And he asked how he was supposed to survive, and the welfare office just said there's nothing they can do. So I guess you'd call that a screwup too.

I guess we should just call cases of violence against women "isolated" and ignore those "extreme examples" as well.

 

[Eilan]

Friek_77, I hope everything works out for you and your family. Sounds like your daughter needs some reassurance from both parents right now. It's difficult for the little ones to articulate their feelings.

 

[Friek_77]

I am seeing in just the time home now that my wife isnt going to change she is acting as though nothing happened and is still being the same woman before I left. But I am doign one thing and that is letting my kids know I love them now and forever even if I am not always there with them that no matter where I am I will always love them. As for my wife, she is a great mother like I said before but I think maybe she is just too comfortable in the situtation to make any changes to it, so be it; I will bide my time and keep an open mind maybe she will come around but if not noone can say I didnt try.

 

[Emerald Eyed]

You know, people split up every day. Sometimes it is because it "just wasn't meant to be"

But I think it really fucking sucks of you to leave her for another woman!

Couldn't you leave her BEFORE finding another woman?



Puke

 

[SweetErika]

Petitioning the court to reduce the amount of support paid is a waste of time. Even if there's good reason for it, support increases/decreases usually only go one way.

As for a father asking for custody of the kids, you must be joking. Usually the only way a father can get custody is if the mother flat out doesn't want the kids, or is a crack addict and a hooker combined into one.

You really want to sweep this under the rug by saying these are "isolated examples" and were likely "screwups in the justice system". Well, screwups happen when someone forgets to fill out a form, or mistakenly writes the wrong number down on a piece of paper, or whatever. In these cases, the judges had full knowledge of the amounts earned and paid by these guys, but didn't care.

There was another case where a guy was left with literally pennies in his bank account after paying support. So he went to the welfare office and asked if he could get welfare. Of course, he was refused because he was employed. And he asked how he was supposed to survive, and the welfare office just said there's nothing they can do. So I guess you'd call that a screwup too.

I guess we should just call cases of violence against women "isolated" and ignore those "extreme examples" as well.

Of course we shouldn't...that's a rediculous comparison. At any rate, you sound like a very angry person. Perhaps you ought to look into some counseling for that, and put your outrage into something constructive like working to change the system.

Friek77, I hope you don't have any preconceived notions and always aim to do whatever's best for your kids. I think the fact that you're giving the marriage another chance says a lot about how much you love your family. Best of luck to you in the future.

 

[aconsenter]

Hold everything.
Go back and read the original post.
Buddy, you mention drinking twice. You might/probably do have a drinking problem.
Before you abandon this family and burn all your bridges, look at your lifestyle(s), hers, too, and see if alcohol might be the cause of your distance apart.
Drunken sex is fun, but if you must get drunk to have sex, you drink too much. I don't know how often you two get drunk, but you will never have a good relationship getting drunk.
I left my first family after seven years and looking back, I can now see that I drank way too much. I had this thing that she used to party and now she doesn't, she wants to change me, etc. Grow up and try living without drinking for awhile, like a year. Then see what things look like.
Once you are gone, out of the house, you will be a member of the divorced dads club, weekend visits, shared holidays, phoning in on their birthdays, waiting for phone calls on your birthday, she could move away and you will see the kids less.
Also remember, this is a porn site.

 

[Eilan]

I am seeing in just the time home now that my wife isnt going to change she is acting as though nothing happened and is still being the same woman before I left. But I am doign one thing and that is letting my kids know I love them now and forever even if I am not always there with them that no matter where I am I will always love them. As for my wife, she is a great mother like I said before but I think maybe she is just too comfortable in the situtation to make any changes to it, so be it; I will bide my time and keep an open mind maybe she will come around but if not noone can say I didnt try.

Relationships take work. It's the responsibility of both of you to make the relationship work; that means BOTH of you have to keep things from stagnating. What changes are YOU making? Or does it really matter? Seems like your mind's already made up.

I'd really love to hear your wife's side of the story.

 

[lisasmurf]

yes not fair to have just one side of it

how about have her read this whole post
see if she reads what on the wall..

i think you should put your dick away and set down and have a talk,,

get some help or get her some help..

think of the kids too

don't see your g/f for 30 days see how it goes

IF you gotten some help and still dead,,
put for rent sign on your bed

Does g/f know you married and got brats you want run out on?

you got whats it called? ..........

Baggages

I do love kids, Brats was just a point...

 

[badboy0]

Of course we shouldn't...that's a rediculous comparison. At any rate, you sound like a very angry person. Perhaps you ought to look into some counseling for that, and put your outrage into something constructive like working to change the system.

Exactly my point. Thank you for validating it.

You say it's a ridiculous comparison. Why? Because there's no outward PHYSICAL violence directed towards men in this situation, you seem to think that it's a minor issue to be glossed over. In other words, who cares, right?

 

[Friek_77]

My dick has been away for almost 8 months now havent done anything with my wife or my "FRIEND" she is not my g/f, yes she knows I am unhappily married and that the only reason it has lasted this long is because of the children she was the one that encouraged me to come back to try and work it out for the kids. After everything my wife and I have talked about she isnt doing anything differently then before that to me shows she doesnt give a shit. I dont know what more to do I try to talk to her about stuff and she redirects it to something less controversial. Yes I have made up my mind this sucks that I cant talk to my wife about shit and that I did develope fellings for someone else, I am sure that my relationship with my wife could rekindle if she made some sort of goddamn effort to do so. In the long run fuck my feelings, fuck my wifes feelings, fuck my friends feelings the only people I care about are my kids and they are the ones I am thinking of. I grew up in a family that is almost identical to my current situation, there was never loved expressed at home between my mother and father, my father would get drunk and come home and beat my mother in front of me, my father has admitted infidelities to me and suggested that I stay married and get a piece on the side to compensate for not getting it at home. I DID NOT DO ANY OF THAT, I found solice in the arms of another woman but did not sway from my vows because I will not ever be like my father. I feel that my marriage is going the way my parents did, numb to one another just existing in a fragile sort of harmony only there to support a house, not a home just a house. I want my kids to grow up in a family that has and expresses love openly.

 

[Lady Cassandra]

Everyone who is married is "unhappily married" at least one time or another. Goes with the territory.

Looks, you are giving telling your wife she needs to change, etc. and then you sit back and look for the alterations. But the thing is, change is a two-way street. If you expect her to change her attitude, her expressions, her actions you have to do the same. If not, you will keep doing the same things and you WILL expect her to keep doing the same things whether she has changed or not. It's like playing the same song over and over and over. It's a habit.

Dig?

 

[SweetErika]

Exactly my point. Thank you for validating it.

You say it's a ridiculous comparison. Why? Because there's no outward PHYSICAL violence directed towards men in this situation, you seem to think that it's a minor issue to be glossed over. In other words, who cares, right?

Please don't jump to conclusions about what I think. I never said the family court system wasn't a problem or there isn't injustice, I simply made the assertion that you're using a few examples (from a very strange website no less) to support your theory that men get screwed with child support while women sit on their asses. The fact is, most single moms work extremely hard to make sure their kids have what they need. Many of them don't get any child support or help with parenting at all. Of course there are single dads in the same situation. I noticed the website you were quoting, Fathers For Life, is a Canadian organization. I don't know where you're from, but maybe the court system is different and far less just in Canada (doubt it, but I'll allow for the possibility). I also noticed they seem to have a beef with women's shelters and the right to choose, so maybe their information and examples are slightly slanted. Food for thought.

Anyways, I'm not going to engage in any additional conversation on this topic since it's irrelevant to the thread. I maintain the thought that if this is a really big issue for you, you should consider DOING something to rectify it instead of just bitching about how dads are being screwed.

 

[badboy0]

I simply made the assertion that you're using a few examples (from a very strange website no less) to support your theory that men get screwed with child support while women sit on their asses.

Strange website, because? And it's not a theory.

The fact is, most single moms work extremely hard to make sure their kids have what they need. Many of them don't get any child support or help with parenting at all.[/B]

Didn't say they didn't work hard. But there are a lot women taking advantage of the system at the same time. Define "most".

I noticed the website you were quoting, Fathers For Life, is a Canadian organization. I don't know where you're from, but maybe the court system is different and far less just in Canada (doubt it, but I'll allow for the possibility).[/B]

See, you doubt something you know nothing about. Me, I've been there personally.

I also noticed they seem to have a beef with women's shelters and the right to choose, so maybe their information and examples are slightly slanted. Food for thought.[/B]

Everything's slanted, in your opinion. And don't forget that your opinion, by its very nature. is slanted. Food for thought. And did you mention why they might have a beef with women's shelters?

Anyways, I'm not going to engage in any additional conversation on this topic since it's irrelevant to the thread. I maintain the thought that if this is a really big issue for you, you should consider DOING something to rectify it instead of just bitching about how dads are being screwed. [/B]

That's good, because it's obvious you don't know what you're talking about. And what exactly do you want me to do? Spend my free time trying to do the impossible? When I was in that situation, I tried to get people to listen, and no one would. Just like you.

You see, my situation was bad enough to make me seriously think about doing myself in, and yeah I did get counselling, ok? So excuse me for being pissed off at a system that treated me like absolute shit.

And it's attitudes like yours that allow the system to perpetuate itself.

So to close, let's take a closer look at paying support vs. being an abused women, shall we?

A) Abused women - You suffer physical and emotional abuse and pain. However, you have choices. Maybe not easy choices, but they exist. If you're abused, you can leave. You can go to the police, or turn elsewhere for help, because this form of abuse is illegal. People will listen to you. There are ways out. The abuse will not last if you leave. You can find a new and better relationship. You're a woman, and people will be sympathetic to your plight.

B) Men paying ridiculous amounts of support - You suffer emotional and spiritual abuse and pain because you have been treated like an ATM machine by the courts with no needs of your own. Hey, you're a real man, you should be able to handle anything. If you are paying support, let's say you have $300 a month left to live on. You can't go to the welfare office because you have a job. Your take home pay barely covers your transportation costs You asks friends to help you out, but they can only do so much. People like Erika think it isn't such a big deal because you haven't been physically abused - you've only had your entire life destroyed. You have no hope of another relationship, because you have no money. The support payments can last for years, and in some cases for the rest of your life. Worst of all, the whole thing is legal, so everyone thinks you must have done something wrong to deserve such treatment, and you cannot run away from the situation or the cops will come looking for you.

Me, I'd take Situation A over Situation B, any day, week or month of the year.

You know, it's funny - after I had finished paying support to my ex, she cried her eyes out to me one day and told me she knew what she'd done was wrong, and was sorry for all she'd put me through. Oh well.

Cheers.

 

[NikkiDawn]

After reading your clarification (she doesn't have a job & doesn't do any of the housework ... or even give your little girl a bath b4 bed) ... my question is why are you not thinking of getting custody yourself?
If you love your kids (and I'm not doubting that you do), wouldn't fighting for custody (even if it's joint) ensure that you have access to them?
I ask all this because it sounds as if divorce is a definate outcome. I agree with other posters ... therapy might help you two remain aimicable, but from what you describe it doesn't sound like it's going to make the marriage work.
Your wife definately needs some help ... you say she is great with the kids, but the rest of what you describe sounds a lot like depression [not that I'm a doctor]. If that's the case, getting her help will help the kids too.

Well, that's my two cents (and change )

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Sure there is...all the deadbeat moms who won't get off their lazy asses and get jobs when they're fully capable. Instead they sit around and suck their ex dry.

guess what? try to be a single mom raising kids and having to work around their school scheduals. most jobs are nice about it but others are not. i know plenty of women who work and have child support paid to them. and the amount they get is peanuts.


you sound like a bitter child support payer.

 

[aconsenter]

Now you say that your dad got drunk.

How much do you and wife drink?

I see this alot and sometimes sobriety can help.

Even in any new relationship, you will have to stop drinking.

 

[Vancouverite]

guess what? try to be a single mom raising kids and having to work around their school scheduals. most jobs are nice about it but others are not. i know plenty of women who work and have child support paid to them. and the amount they get is peanuts.


you sound like a bitter child support payer.

He sounds like a bitter child support avoider, actually. And as someone with a degree of familiarity with the court system I have heard it all before. Better to ignore him as trolling and unhelpful. Its the sort of aggressive rubbish that gives a bad name to everyone who does try to effect change.

As for Freik, I am truly sorry for the situation that has occurred. It might be hard being a 'divorced dad' but those groups are there to help support you and you will likely need support whether you realise it now or not.
But your soon to be ex will also need support, and for the sake of your kids you can't afford to be the one who plays hardball, even if she does (and its a natural defensive reaction).
Counselling to stay together may well not matter, but counselling on getting along afterwards is always highly recommended.
Find out what services are suppported in your area and use them.
It'll be too late in 6 months time to try to sit around a table if you fight like mad now.

 

[badboy0]

He sounds like a bitter child support avoider, actually. And as someone with a degree of familiarity with the court system I have heard it all before. Better to ignore him as trolling and unhelpful. Its the sort of aggressive rubbish that gives a bad name to everyone who does try to effect change.

You see, this is my point. No one wants to listen. What is your "degree of familiarity" exactly anyway?

As for trolling, unhelpful, aggressive rubbish, why don't you walk a mile in my shoes. Who the hell are you to judge me? Ban me for all I care. Yes, please ban me.

And why don't you support your claim that it's rubbish instead of making blanket statements?

I come on here, speak the truth, and get blasted because no one wants to hear it.

This is exactly the problem if you're a man. But if a woman comes on here complaining of abuse, I suppose her word would be good right? Because as we all know, men are liars and women are little angels who never do wrong.

And this is why this bullshit perpetuates itself.

As for child support, you show complete and utter ignorance. This has nothing to do with child support. I have absolutely no problem paying support for my kid, which I have done from day 1 and will continue to do so. And no, it's not the absolute minimum payable either. But if it was, I'd get blasted for that woudn't I, because I'm a man. Because Bandit's a woman though, she gets away with it and people defend her.

My issue was with spousal support, and spousal support only. Got it?

Now I hope the two of you who made comments about child support feel like complete asses.

 

[badboy0]

Hey Erika, I know you're not gonna respond, but do you still think I can do something about the system? With attitudes like this?

See my point now???

 

[badboy0]

BANDIT your wasting your time explaining to narrow minds that can only look between what your posted to find what they think they see.

And so am I. So am I.

Food for thought, eh Vancouverite?

No more from me on this. Waste of time. Well I'll probably be banned first by Lady Guin anyway. Sorry if I offended anyone, but it's something I feel strongly about. Have a good one all.