Desperate question

[Friek_77]

This is not really a question you are all used to finding on these forums. I am looking for the right way to say I want a divorce, I have found a new love after my wife just doesnt respond to me anymore. The sad part is we have just had our second child, a baby boy, it has been 7months since we last had sex and in that time it has given me time to think; I do not harbor the same feelings for her that I did before and I have found someone else that makes me happy. I am sure it is not just the absence of love from my wife that has driven me into the arms of this other woman because we havent done anything yet, she makes me happy in a way that my wife never did.

In my soul searching I have found that the only reason I can come up with why we got married in the first place was because everyone told us we should after the birth of our daughter, before our daughter was born we partied hard and the only time we were intimate was after we were drinking (which was every time) and now afterwards most of the time we are intimate is after we were out drinking. I know in my heart that she and I were never meant to be, I want to break it off in a way that says I love you for the beautiful kids you gave me but we are not working out as husband and wife. Please I implore you all who have gone through this lend me your ears and advice I am in desperate need of both.

 

[EJFan]

i've always felt that getting, or staying, married for the sake of the child(ren) is a bad idea. so if you really don't feel that your marriage is in a good place, then i can at least commend you on facing up to it. faking a marriage never slips by the kids... they pick up on it and it's not healthy in the long run.

i don't know how to ask her for a divorce really. that's why i'm not married... 'cause marriage is the leading cause of divorce. i'd suspect it's one of those conversations where you look for a magic bullet kind of phrase and it just doesn't exist. it's more of a "this sucks but i have to do it" type of conversation. i wouldn't recommend sugar coating anything... plain and simple is the best way to do it. it'll hurt both of you no matter what but at least if there's no pussy-footing around then the wounds will heal faster.

good luck... i'll yield to experienced people on this at this point.

 

[Friek_77]

thank you for your response EJ, I know what I have to do I just dont know how to do it. My 2 very best friends are both divorced and the best advice they have given me is that it is time, after describing what it is that is going on. Not that I am looking for a magic phrase to say but a nicer way to put it more a less, how I am feeling is not gonna cut it; basically cause I want to tell her to get the fuck out of my face and leave me alone I cant stand to be near you anymore, doesnt have a pleaes let me still be my kids father still ring to it.

 

[Dstorage]

I'm sure you have heard this before, but have the two of you tried counseling? Not only because of the "grass is always greener" line, but if you're not happy I bet she's not happy either, and some counseling might enable the two of you to break up in an amicable fashion to where you can both tolerate each other. Because you both have children, and it is important that the both of you remain involved in their lives.

I would agree that it is foolish to stay together and miserable "for the kids sake" but it is equally bullshit to separate and not have BOTH parents involved in their childrens welfare and upbringing. Counseling can help that.

So I am not in a position to judge, but you should consider counseling if for no other reason than making it much more pleasant for the future of your two innocent children, who have had absolutely no say in this matter.

 

[Missingmeds]

I'm sure you have heard this before, but have the two of you tried counseling? Not only because of the "grass is always greener" line, but if you're not happy I bet she's not happy either, and some counseling might enable the two of you to break up in an amicable fashion to where you can both tolerate each other. Because you both have children, and it is important that the both of you remain involved in their lives.

I would agree that it is foolish to stay together and miserable "for the kids sake" but it is equally bullshit to separate and not have BOTH parents involved in their childrens welfare and upbringing. Counseling can help that.

So I am not in a position to judge, but you should consider counseling if for no other reason than making it much more pleasant for the future of your two innocent children, who have had absolutely no say in this matter.

I have to say that this is probably the best advice that you are going to get here. D is right in that councilling could help the breakup being more amicable and keeping you together in the way that your children are raised.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

you have to do what you feel is best. just remember to be there for your kids and dont skip out on paying the child support that you will have to pay. nothing worse than a dead beat parenent who will not pay child support.

 

[homunculus]

I hope you realize what a kick in the face it would be to tell your wife that you are abandoning her and your kids for another woman. The reason you are having a hard time breaking your news is that you must realize, somewhere inside, that having an affair while your wife was carrying your baby was destructive for all concerned--you, your wife, your kids, and your new partner. --This isn't to suggest that you stay in a bad marriage, but that you deal with dissolution of the relationship within the relationship, and not by drawing in a third party...Do see a therapist by all means, and save the difficult announcements for your new partner. The fairest thing is to tell her that the relationship will have to be on hold while you sort things out with your family. If the woman loves you, she'll understand. Usually, though, new relationship ends within a year or so...

 

[Eilan]

4 1/2 years ago, I was in your wife's position; the children were two months old and 2 1/2 when my ex left. You can't imagine how it feels to have someone say to you, "I don't love you anymore," when you've invested several years of your life in a relationship. It's like getting the wind knocked out of you.

Having said that, I also don't advocate staying together for the sake of the children; that can be MUCH harder on children than divorce. I'm the product of such a marriage and--believe me--children aren't stupid. They know when their parents are having problems.

I think that Dstorage's suggestion of counseling is something that you should try before you make any decisions. Chances are good that unless your wife's oblivious to the whole situation, she's also unhappy.

Furthermore, you say you haven't had sex for seven months. Yes, caring for children can be exhausting, but is it possible that there's some postpartum depression involved? I had this after my second pregnancy, and it helped contribute to the events leading up to my ex's decision to leave. I don't think PPD tends to hang around for that long, but if that's the case, she may want to talk to her doctor.

Unfortunately, there aren't any easy answers for your situation. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Guest]

This is not really a question you are all used to finding on these forums. I am looking for the right way to say I want a divorce, I have found a new love after my wife just doesnt respond to me anymore. The sad part is we have just had our second child, a baby boy, it has been 7months since we last had sex and in that time it has given me time to think; I do not harbor the same feelings for her that I did before and I have found someone else that makes me happy. I am sure it is not just the absence of love from my wife that has driven me into the arms of this other woman because we havent done anything yet, she makes me happy in a way that my wife never did.

In my soul searching I have found that the only reason I can come up with why we got married in the first place was because everyone told us we should after the birth of our daughter, before our daughter was born we partied hard and the only time we were intimate was after we were drinking (which was every time) and now afterwards most of the time we are intimate is after we were out drinking. I know in my heart that she and I were never meant to be, I want to break it off in a way that says I love you for the beautiful kids you gave me but we are not working out as husband and wife. Please I implore you all who have gone through this lend me your ears and advice I am in desperate need of both.

Ah sweetie! I definitely feel for you! This is such a very hard situation. Being pressured into marriage, and now feeling almost obligated to stay.

First, no one should've pressured you to get married- child or not. I have this feeling you were young when you did marry. Am I right?

Even though this goes against your vows, and God, you must be happy. You have to convince yourself that this is what you deserve. I know, believe me!!

I sense you have a wonderful, and beautiful heart.
Quote:
I love you for the beautiful kids you gave me but we are not working out as husband and wife. (that says a lot)

I say: Always be there for your children (sounds like you will and love them very much), part from your wife, and try to remain friends. Sounds like this is all you really have with her anyway. It may be hard for a while because you have been living somewhat of a "habit" relationship. Tell her what you have told us here.

Be happy. Best of luck to you.
saldne

 

[Bluewolfcry]

As a woman, I would have to say that when you do tell her that you want a divorce, don't mention the other woman.

You need to tell her teh reasons why it didn't work between the two of you, not why you found another person.

It is alwasy easier to accept what went wrong in a relationship rather than the other person upgraded to a better model.

I hope that makes sense.

Therapy sounds like a great idea too, and it may make your divorce precedings and child support/visitations easier for the future. There is very rarely an amicable divorce but you have to try your hardest to ensure that you remain civil!

Good luck man!

 

[Matienee]

I agree, focus on why it isn't working for you and her. Not the other woman.

Also is she nursing? I know when I had my kids, nursing took my drive completely away though I still made sure to pleasure my husband when I could. I felt bad for him, he went for sex almost every day to me not wanting to even be touched. Patience and communication is what helped us through it.

Counseling seems like a good idea but only if you want to work on fixing your marriage, if not it would be a true waste of time though it may make parting easier because both of you would feel as though you tried to fix it.

Good luck on it all!

 

[Friek_77]

Thank you all for your input and let me clear a few things up. I am not having an affair now nor was I when she was pregnant with either child, it doesnt seem to me like postpardom depression cause she is so wonderful with the kids just not to me. If I try to approach the subject of sex I am met with a 12" steel wall of resistance and the response " is that all you ever think about, geez". The marriage has been falling down since the birth of our first daughter, sex got less frequent (only about once a month, month and a half), she stops doing stuff around the house and expects me to do it all, right now she is still off work and doesnt do a damn thing I come home from work and find the house a total wreck so I have to clean up, do the dishes so I can wash the bottles, cook diner, and then give my daughter a bath. This has been going on for awhile and I am just getting tired of being the one investing myself 200% into a marriage that just doesnt seem to be working.

Last year for mothers day I didnt have much money so I thought I would clean the house and make her a special dinner for when she got home from work, despite my efforts she pointed out the only thing I didnt get done in time, moping the kitchen floor. That simple little response broke my heart.

As for the women I am talking about she and I are just friends but she is some how able to make me feel loved again, she listens to me, laughs with me, and simply happy when I am with her. The reason I am having such a hard time is so I can keep a strong relationship with her for the kids sake cause they do need a father and mother in their lives. Nothing is more important to me then my children I love them dearly but if I am unhappy they can sense it and I begin to vent my frustrations onto them which crushes me. They deserve happy parents. I am not sure if I answered everyones responses but I did my best.

 

[Luv2PleasureF]

Ah sweetie! I definitely feel for you! This is such a very hard situation. Being pressured into marriage, and now feeling almost obligated to stay.

First, no one should've pressured you to get married- child or not. I have this feeling you were young when you did marry. Am I right?

Even though this goes against your vows, and God, you must be happy. You have to convince yourself that this is what you deserve. I know, believe me!!

I sense you have a wonderful, and beautiful heart.
Quote:
I love you for the beautiful kids you gave me but we are not working out as husband and wife. (that says a lot)

I say: Always be there for your children (sounds like you will and love them very much), part from your wife, and try to remain friends. Sounds like this is all you really have with her anyway. It may be hard for a while because you have been living somewhat of a "habit" relationship. Tell her what you have told us here.

Be happy. Best of luck to you.
saldne

My beloved saldne speaks with great wisdom and insight, to heed her words shows those same traits. It takes more wisdom to heed great advice than to give it.

Absolutely, no matter what happens with your wife, the needs and interests of the children are paramount. They must be insulated in every way possible from any "fallout" that may occur, and their fragile psyches abundantly reinforced with the understanding that both you and your wife love them, and they are not in any way to blame for your split.

And if you truly are not happy, then split you must. Gently, if possible, and on friendly terms. As saldne does, I sense you would prefer it that way, and would strive for that. That's a good thing.

I have felt what it's like to be in an unhappy relationship, a habit relationship, and with thanks to Almighty God I now know what it's like to be in a relationship for the pure joy and happiness of being with someone I completely adore - and someone who accepts me as I am, and shows those same feelings back. The feeling is incomparable, it makes you want to be a better man just for her, it'll make you do things you never expected to (like sing karaoke for example) and find such happiness in it you can only shake your head in amazement.

Never settle for less, keep your eyes wide open, the lines of communication strong and honest, be ready and willing to love, and accept love given to you with open arms. To be happy, you must decide to be happy. It is a conscious choice.

I wish you all the best in your journey to find what my beloved and I are discovering.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with the other posters who suggested therapy as a way to maybe breach and work through the separation. If nothing else, maybe you both could work with the therapist to outline a plan and set some groundrules for dealing with eachother and the kids from this point on. Hopefully you'll both take the attitude that you made a poor choice in getting married and you're better off as friends and good parents.

 

[Guest]

Nah, I really don't believe therapy is going to help here. He already knows he doesn't love her as a wife, so he should just move on. I have this feeling it wasn't really there in the first place. Just my opinion.

You should be able to make a plan and agree about the visitation with your children. I hate seeing people going to therapists, and court over this.

 

[Bobmi357]

I'm going to take a contrary approach here from nearly everyone else. I doubt therapy will have any impact and could quite possibly make things worse.

Its never easy to tell someone you want a divorce. I remember when I told my ex, she actually cried. For the first time in 12yrs she showed some emotion. And for like 3.2 microseconds I felt myself waiver, then I remember the 12 years of hell she put me through and stood firm.

When you finally make that big D decision, understand that unless you and your spouse are currently engaged in a full scale war, there's no way you can say it so it doesn't hurt. You're going to hurt her. That can't be helped or avoided.

Tell her and get on with your life and let her get on with her own life.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm going to take a contrary approach here from nearly everyone else. I doubt therapy will have any impact and could quite possibly make things worse.

Its never easy to tell someone you want a divorce. I remember when I told my ex, she actually cried. For the first time in 12yrs she showed some emotion. And for like 3.2 microseconds I felt myself waiver, then I remember the 12 years of hell she put me through and stood firm.

When you finally make that big D decision, understand that unless you and your spouse are currently engaged in a full scale war, there's no way you can say it so it doesn't hurt. You're going to hurt her. That can't be helped or avoided.

Tell her and get on with your life and let her get on with her own life.

Ah Bobmi I remember when I told my husband I'd had enough. He was all "But why, I love you bla bla bla" Too freaking late after all the shit he put me through I remember feeling upset and guilty and sad, but then like you I remembered all the putdowns and decided that this was the right thing for me.

But I stayed with him for 23 years.....I can't remember when I first thought about leaving but the kids were still young and I was so afraid of being on my own with two young children. I rationalised it by saying to myself well at least he doesn't hit me - little realising the damage all those years of verbal and emotional abuse was doing. But I really didn't know any different and so I stayed, until one putdown too many and then I just blurted it out. Without thinking - probably if I'd held my tongue I'd still be there

And surprise surprise, the kids weren't surprised at all My son was 18 at the time and he took it in his stride, he had already left home so it didn't affect him very much at all. My daughter was only worried about having to leave the farm - when I explained to her that she was 14 and old enough to choose where she wanted to live, she chose to stay with her dad on the farm. The ex and I went through a rather bitter separation agreement - even though I settled for 1/3 less of my entitlement he still bitched and moaned about every little thing until my lawyer set up a meeting with him and his lawyer and laid it all on the line - if he wanted to keep the farm he did it this way or we'd play hardball and go for everything. He backed down. We are now officially divorced (2 years apart is necessary in New Zealand before you can file).

Even though things between us now are strained at best, and I'd be glad if I never spoke to him or saw him again, we have kids together and they come first for me. There will be times, even though we now live in different countries, when we'll be in the same place because of them. I am hopeful as time passes that he can put our differences aside because of them....

 

[badboy0]

you have to do what you feel is best. just remember to be there for your kids and dont skip out on paying the child support that you will have to pay. nothing worse than a dead beat parenent who will not pay child support.

Sure there is...all the deadbeat moms who won't get off their lazy asses and get jobs when they're fully capable. Instead they sit around and suck their ex dry.

 

[Bandit58]

Sure there is...all the deadbeat moms who won't get off their lazy asses and get jobs when they're fully capable. Instead they sit around and suck their ex dry.

Big generalisation there mate I pay child support for my daughter, admittedly it's the absolute minimum amount payable, but I'd rather give money straight into her bank account than pay it to the ex

 

[fille]

If you must ask for a divorce, the best way is to sit down with your wife at a time when there is not any rancor going on - you aren't in the midst of an argument, or something, and calmly tell her that you have decided that you aren't happy in your marriage and need to end it. Before doing it, though, you should get your head together about what you plan to propose in terms of child custody, support, etc.

However, I have to ask, have you considered that your wife "not responding" to you and things being different between you might have more to do with her pregnancy than with any fundamental problem in your relationship? Obviously, you were having sex before she became pregnant. Hormones do nutty things to pregnant women. I suggest that it would be better for you, her, and your children to tell her that you are unhappy and that you think counseling is in order. Give her a chance to recover from her pregnancy, and both of you a chance to work through any problems. Even if it ultimately doesn't work out, you won't be the heel who dumped his wife, who just bore his child, for another woman he took up with while she was carrying his child. Believe me, you don't want that being carried around by your children or their mother for the rest of your life.

 

[badboy0]

Originally posted by badboy0
Sure there is...all the deadbeat moms who won't get off their lazy asses and get jobs when they're fully capable. Instead they sit around and suck their ex dry.

Big generalisation there mate I pay child support for my daughter, admittedly it's the absolute minimum amount payable, but I'd rather give money straight into her bank account than pay it to the ex

Umm, mate, there's no generalization in my statement whatsoever, much less a big one...

 

[Guest]

Quote: Nothing is more important to me then my children I love them dearly but if I am unhappy they can sense it and I begin to vent my frustrations onto them which crushes me. They deserve happy parents.

That says it all. You've got your head on straight.

And I HAVE to add: Shame on her for bringing up how you didn't get done the kitchen floor! I wouldn't gave my honey a big hug and kiss for that. How ungrateful can one be? Jeez!

I'm done now

 

[homunculus]

"I pay child support for my daughter, admittedly it's the absolute minimum amount payable, but I'd rather give money straight into her bank account than pay it to the ex."

So much loathing and anger in this one sentence. It's awful to think how this must be communicated in sublt and not-so-sublte ways to the child. As for paying the absolute minimum, that strikes me as terribly selfish.

 

[Bandit58]

"I pay child support for my daughter, admittedly it's the absolute minimum amount payable, but I'd rather give money straight into her bank account than pay it to the ex."

So much loathing and anger in this one sentence. It's awful to think how this must be communicated in sublt and not-so-sublte ways to the child. As for paying the absolute minimum, that strikes me as terribly selfish.

I pay the absolute minimum to him, that doesn't mean I don't give her money that he can't get his hands on. I did ask the tax department if I could pay it straight to her but damn red tape means that's not possible. And he's not exactly on the bones of his arse, he owns a farm worth over a million dollars for chrissakes

She's nearly 17 years old, not a child anymore. And I'm entitled to my feelings because I shut them down for so long, I was living on autopilot for years before I left him. Sure I'm angry, I feel I have a right to be. But I never mention my ex to her, or make bad remarks about him, because he is her dad and she loves him even if I don't.....

 

[Gil_T2]

Originally posted by badboy0
Sure there is...all the deadbeat moms who won't get off their lazy asses and get jobs when they're fully capable. Instead they sit around and suck their ex dry.



Umm, mate, there's no generalization in my statement whatsoever, much less a big one...

this sounds a lot like sour grapes here...........