Defining Love

[Cathleen]

Good morning/afternoon/evening all (to cover my bases)

I have found that my unrealized expectations of others just lead to resentment on my part. And my resentment only hurts me, and blocks me from accepting myself and the other person. This is not to say I don't have expectations, I do, and they are very high for myself, but for others, I really do try to keep them limited....I hate feeling resentful....it is just too uncomfortable a feeling.

 

[midwestyankee]

Good morning/afternoon/evening all (to cover my bases)

I have found that my unrealized expectations of others just lead to resentment on my part. And my resentment only hurts me, and blocks me from accepting myself and the other person. This is not to say I don't have expectations, I do, and they are very high for myself, but for others, I really do try to keep them limited....I hate feeling resentful....it is just too uncomfortable a feeling.

This has me wondering. Which is more fair: to hold others to lower expectations than we hold ourselves or to hold others to the same high expectations we have of ourselves?

 

[MissIntrigue]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
Unrealistic xpectations, particularly when they are held close to the heart and not revealed, can cause irreparable harm to a relationship. I think this is often the root of the problem when a young marriage breaks up. Each partner enters the relationship with unrealistic expectations and then, when they are not met, accuses the other of being less than is needed. It's a shame.

Amen

 

[midwestyankee]

Welcome to the thread, Miss I. It's good to see you again.

I hope you'll drop by again to add more to the discussion.

 

[shyly curious]

Mind if I sit down and join you by the pond for a little rumination? I've some good coffee in the thermos and a few cold beers as well. Take your pick.

There is much to think about these days.

a cold can of Coke would go well Mr. MWY, pick your favorite sitting rock and lets ruminate, ...

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by shyly curious
a cold can of Coke would go well Mr. MWY, pick your favorite sitting rock and lets ruminate, ...

 

[shyly curious]

Unrealistic xpectations, particularly when they are held close to the heart and not revealed, can cause irreparable harm to a relationship. I think this is often the root of the problem when a young marriage breaks up. Each partner enters the relationship with unrealistic expectations and then, when they are not met, accuses the other of being less than is needed. It's a shame.

this is so well said, Thank You MWY ...


i know even those who can no longer claim youth status suffer this affliction.

to avoid this both parties must ask and answer real questions covering a broad range of issues.

 

[midwestyankee]

may I join you two....i hear threes a perfect rumination number
well Autumn in NY certainly is wonderful.....

Spring in Maine is wonderful also.

Sit down, join us. We're just a couple of old ruminants here anyway. Nothing to worry about.

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
Spring in Maine is wonderful also.

 

[shyly curious]

oh HER well i keep her hidden away I dont want her to ruin my rep as a real ball buster and besides i was holding my tongue all this time the yanks beat the A's last night....wheres ammo he lost a bet to me....maybe he should use a yankee AV i have the perfect one for him a # 13 to be exact......

Please do not keep the poet hidden, she has much to offer us in this discussion, ... and we won't tell a soul that you have a sensitive thoughtful side to you, it'll be a secret of this thread, ... OK???

 

[shyly curious]

I suggest you let her out more often. She has fine things to say and says them well.

We need more of that in this world. There is more than enough sadness to go around, but nowhere near enough joy.

i agree with MWY wholeheartedly on these observations, too much sadness, not enough joy, and a need for more sharing from all of us ...

 

[shyly curious]

Good morning/afternoon/evening all (to cover my bases)

I have found that my unrealized expectations of others just lead to resentment on my part. And my resentment only hurts me, and blocks me from accepting myself and the other person. This is not to say I don't have expectations, I do, and they are very high for myself, but for others, I really do try to keep them limited....I hate feeling resentful....it is just too uncomfortable a feeling.

well said Cathleen, thank you for sharing.

when i learned anger caused headaches, i decided to try and not get angry... does not always work, but it is a goal of mine. and having unmet expectations is so frustrating and annoying, like gravel in my shoe ...

 

[shyly curious]

This has me wondering. Which is more fair: to hold others to lower expectations than we hold ourselves or to hold others to the same high expectations we have of ourselves?

maybe the trick is to figure out what are proper expectations to have of ourselves and of others. for me, not all situations and people will fit one cookie-cutter set of expectations.

 

[shyly curious]

may I join you two....i hear threes a perfect rumination number
well Autumn in NY certainly is wonderful.....

just tell me how many sitting rocks to place around the pond, all are welcome to come and sit a while and ruminate, just don't scare the animals please ...

 

[midwestyankee]

well said Cathleen, thank you for sharing.

when i learned anger caused headaches, i decided to try and not get angry... does not always work, but it is a goal of mine. and having unmet expectations is so frustrating and annoying, like gravel in my shoe ...

You could try going without shoes and then the gravel wouldn't be so much of a problem.

The simple truth is that we all have somewhat inaccurate maps of each other. As we get better acquainted our maps approach reality and accuracy but sometimes there is a force in us that rejects part of the truth we take in. This leads to all sorts of problems.

And, by the way, it's no picnic being on the other end of unmet expectations either. I have the tee shirt on that one too.

 

[Peteslaw2]

can I sit in the middle ????

may I sit on top?

 

[midwestyankee]

just tell me how many sitting rocks to place around the pond, all are welcome to come and sit a while and ruminate, just don't scare the animals please ...

It's beginning to look like we could use quite a few sitting rocks.

And a lovely Maine pond would certainly be a wonderful place for this sort of discussion.

 

[shyly curious]

can I sit in the middle ????

well most of my sitting rocks are for one or two people each, but i could drag a log out and set it by the pond and then everyone could sit together, ... could even have a small campfire to ruminate by if ya'l wish ...

 

[shyly curious]

Spring in Maine is wonderful also.

Sit down, join us. We're just a couple of old ruminants here anyway. Nothing to worry about.

Springtime, the time of renewal and creation, the budding of plants, the new crops taking root, the birthing of new ideas and new ways to deal with old deliemas ...

 

[shyly curious]

You could try going without shoes and then the gravel wouldn't be so much of a problem.

The simple truth is that we all have somewhat inaccurate maps of each other. As we get better acquainted our maps approach reality and accuracy but sometimes there is a force in us that rejects part of the truth we take in. This leads to all sorts of problems.

And, by the way, it's no picnic being on the other end of unmet expectations either. I have the tee shirt on that one too.

I hear ya MWY, and trying to live up to what i think their unspoken expectations are can be a real struggle too.

 

[shyly curious]

It's beginning to look like we could use quite a few sitting rocks.

And a lovely Maine pond would certainly be a wonderful place for this sort of discussion.

well the lovely Maine pond blew a wall last nite and lost about 60,000 gallons of water, level dropped several feet by daybreak. So excuse me while i go get the tractor fired up and go fix the pond dam wall, i'll be back in a couple of hours ...


be well all, shy

 

[Cathleen]

This has me wondering. Which is more fair: to hold others to lower expectations than we hold ourselves or to hold others to the same high expectations we have of ourselves?

I don't see this as fair or unfair. I have expectations of others, be clear on that. But, when they do not live up to MY expectations, who really suffers? ME. So I do not lower my standard of expectation, I remove it, thereby giving that person freedom to live according to their choice.

Do I have a right to place expectations on others? No, I do not think so. Now lets not talk about the "I expect the laundry, trash, etc, be home at 6" kind of thing. I am not talking about civil expectations. I mean to discuss those higher expectations people place upon others.

I feel this is when relationships get into trouble. If you and I were in a relationship, and I expected you to behave or treat me in a certain manner and you didn't....who will suffer... me. I would become resentful of your behavior. I would be the one feeling that resentment, not you. So if I leave you to treat me as you see fit, removing my expectations, you are free to be you, without me breathing down your back or critizing. If your expectations of me were unmet, how would you feel? What if I couldn't met them? Would you want to change them to be with me or would you want to be free to be you and me be me......and if those are compatiable then all the better. But to try to put a circle into a square hole is too much for me. It doesn't work, no matter how hard I try.

To me expectations are resentments in the making. Resentments are relationship killers. I am sitting here trying to think of a person in my life (that I love) with whom I have a resentment. I can't (and its not because I disregard them). If I did, they most likely wouldn't be in my life, it would be too difficult to fit together. Yes, I have been disappointed in behaviors or actions of others (clearly), but I still can not EXPECT them to be any more or less than they are now. I can choose to forgive (if I've been hurt) or perhaps overlook, maybe even discuss my thoughts (truly unique with some people, is the idea of discussing (no one here)). Maybe the discussion would lead to a change on their part or mine, but I still can't expect anything.

I'm not sure how clear this is in words. Its very clear in my head. And by the way...did you enjoy being in a relationship with me LOL LOL

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm not sure how clear this is in words. Its very clear in my head. And by the way...did you enjoy being in a relationship with me LOL LOL

I got confused halfway through so I just lay back and listened. And that was good.

Was it good for you?

 

[No.1Pinklady]

I don't see this as fair or unfair. I have expectations of others, be clear on that. But, when they do not live up to MY expectations, who really suffers? ME. So I do not lower my standard of expectation, I remove it, thereby giving that person freedom to live according to their choice.

Do I have a right to place expectations on others? No, I do not think so. Now lets not talk about the "I expect the laundry, trash, etc, be home at 6" kind of thing. I am not talking about civil expectations. I mean to discuss those higher expectations people place upon others.

I feel this is when relationships get into trouble. If you and I were in a relationship, and I expected you to behave or treat me in a certain manner and you didn't....who will suffer... me. I would become resentful of your behavior. I would be the one feeling that resentment, not you. So if I leave you to treat me as you see fit, removing my expectations, you are free to be you, without me breathing down your back or critizing. If your expectations of me were unmet, how would you feel? What if I couldn't met them? Would you want to change them to be with me or would you want to be free to be you and me be me......and if those are compatiable then all the better. But to try to put a circle into a square hole is too much for me. It doesn't work, no matter how hard I try.

To me expectations are resentments in the making. Resentments are relationship killers. I am sitting here trying to think of a person in my life (that I love) with whom I have a resentment. I can't (and its not because I disregard them). If I did, they most likely wouldn't be in my life, it would be too difficult to fit together. Yes, I have been disappointed in behaviors or actions of others (clearly), but I still can not EXPECT them to be any more or less than they are now. I can choose to forgive (if I've been hurt) or perhaps overlook, maybe even discuss my thoughts (truly unique with some people, is the idea of discussing (no one here)). Maybe the discussion would lead to a change on their part or mine, but I still can't expect anything.

I'm not sure how clear this is in words. Its very clear in my head. And by the way...did you enjoy being in a relationship with me LOL LOL

Okay I think I kept up.
I am never going to lower or remove my expectations when it comes to respecting me as person, but that is something that is put right out front, if you can't handle it then we are friends, nothing more, and we might not be that. I think we all have to deal with what we will take in the name of love. And to a degree disappointments are a part of loving because they teach forgiveness. I think whether or not we state or acknowledge them we all have expectations.

 

[midwestyankee]

Okay I think I kept up.
I am never going to lower or remove my expectations when it comes to respecting me as person, but that is something that is put right out front, if you can't handle it then we are friends, nothing more, and we might not be that. I think we all have to deal with what we will take in the name of love. And to a degree disappointments are a part of loving because they teach forgiveness. I think whether or not we state or acknowledge them we all have expectations.

Disappointments do help teach forgiveness. But those who are disappointed must be ready to learn about forgiving. Not all are, unfortunately. And this has led to numerous failures in relationships that had plenty of potential.