Defining Love

[midwestyankee]

Now, for something completely different.

What has been the most loving act you have ever been fortunate to witness?

 

[Shoshisexy]

I have already posted this, but I was a second-hand witness...

My Grandfather taking care of my Grandmother for the last years of her life even though he had had Quintuple bypass surgery a few years before.

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
Now, for something completely different.

What has been the most loving act you have ever been fortunate to witness?

 

[Cathleen]

Now, for something completely different.

What has been the most loving act you have ever been fortunate to witness?

It was the night about ten days before my mother died. She had been battling cancer for over twelve years and kept fighting the whole time. It wasn't until she was wheelchair bound that her will to fight diminished, her independence was taken and with that her will to fight it; fight the pain any longer. Her active dying period was about eight weeks, it was horrible and painful; but I am grateful I was there for all of it. The night of this loving act was between my mother and father. I will never forget it and I know now that is a very good thing.

My father was (is) an alcoholic; our home was full of chaos and abuses of all kinds. At many points I thought their marriage would end, and wanted it to actually, for my mother didn't deserve this treatment or the hell anymore. Part of me wishes she had left him, but had she I wouldn't have seen what I saw that night.

The pain was horrible, even with over 150mg of morphine being pumped into her every hour. She was begging us to help her die, to end the misery. I told her I was doing all I could to help her die, but I was limited, not just medically, but as a human, and as a daughter. There were opportunities to "assist" her death, it wasn't something I could do, nor is it still something I could do, a life is not mine to take. Believe me, that was so hard to discuss with my family; to see our mother suffer and I couldn't agree with what they thought was correct. But I digress.

The act I saw was of a love I did not know my mother had for my father. Having witnessed his abuse to her, as well as my whole family, I thought her love for him had to have been diminished. When she was in distress that evening (about 2am) I went to her. But what I saw was my father, holding her, (or trying, because most of her bones were broken from the cancer and touching her was torture for her), but here he was gently holding her. She was crying and just needed him. She needed him and he was there. There was nothing that had to be done, she just needed him.

I was so taken aback. In fact I still think of this night many, many times. I had no idea she could still love him. I saw the depth of her love, how it had transcended everything else. I won't claim to understand it, but I saw it, I felt it; it was palpable. Neither of them knew I was standing just inside the room and saw this amazing sight. I've never spoken of this, what I felt, what I saw, but this seems the time for me to remember and feel it once again (for the ten thousandth time).

I will never forget that moment.

 

[Cathleen]

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms here!

 

[sushiboynyc]

well for me it wasnt so much an act but a number

missing you muchly DLL.....i can guess the number, hoping to count with you

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Cathleen
It was the night about ten days before my mother died. She had been battling cancer for over twelve years and kept fighting the whole time. It wasn't until she was wheelchair bound that her will to fight diminished, her independence was taken and with that her will to fight it; fight the pain any longer. Her active dying period was about eight weeks, it was horrible and painful; but I am grateful I was there for all of it. The night of this loving act was between my mother and father. I will never forget it and I know now that is a very good thing.

My father was (is) an alcoholic; our home was full of chaos and abuses of all kinds. At many points I thought their marriage would end, and wanted it to actually, for my mother didn't deserve this treatment or the hell anymore. Part of me wishes she had left him, but had she I wouldn't have seen what I saw that night.

The pain was horrible, even with over 150mg of morphine being pumped into her every hour. She was begging us to help her die, to end the misery. I told her I was doing all I could to help her die, but I was limited, not just medically, but as a human, and as a daughter. There were opportunities to "assist" her death, it wasn't something I could do, nor is it still something I could do, a life is not mine to take. Believe me, that was so hard to discuss with my family; to see our mother suffer and I couldn't agree with what they thought was correct. But I digress.

The act I saw was of a love I did not know my mother had for my father. Having witnessed his abuse to her, as well as my whole family, I thought her love for him had to have been diminished. When she was in distress that evening (about 2am) I went to her. But what I saw was my father, holding her, (or trying, because most of her bones were broken from the cancer and touching her was torture for her), but here he was gently holding her. She was crying and just needed him. She needed him and he was there. There was nothing that had to be done, she just needed him.

I was so taken aback. In fact I still think of this night many, many times. I had no idea she could still love him. I saw the depth of her love, how it had transcended everything else. I won't claim to understand it, but I saw it, I felt it; it was palpable. Neither of them knew I was standing just inside the room and saw this amazing sight. I've never spoken of this, what I felt, what I saw, but this seems the time for me to remember and feel it once again (for the ten thousandth time).

I will never forget that moment.

How touching ...thank you for sharing...aren't Mom's wonderful...even in the depths of their despair sometimes.

 

[No.1Pinklady]

Now, for something completely different.

What has been the most loving act you have ever been fortunate to witness?

A friend who donated, all of her 8-year old son's organs, after he died in a car wreck, she went to the doctors and said, take them, so at least one other mother will not go thru this.

 

[Cathleen]

A friend who donated, all of her 8-year old son's organs, after he died in a car wreck, she went to the doctors and said, take them, so at least one other mother will not go thru this.

An extra special prayer to her today, that is a truly wonderful gift she gave someone.

 

[midwestyankee]

Cate, thank you for sharing that moving story.

 

[Cathleen]

You're welcome. It felt good to feel and share that moment.

 

[omahaman2]

On this special day,
after everyone
philosphers and lovers
have discussed and argued
to come to the best definition
of this thing called LOVE
for years and years and years
I can define it perfectly
in three letters

MOM

 

[Darkkitty]

On this special day,
after everyone
philosphers and lovers
have discussed and argued
to come to the best definition
of this thing called LOVE
for years and years and years
I can define it perfectly
in three letters

MOM

(Giggle) He stole my idea So I will just second that emotion

 

[midwestyankee]

What are the boundaries of honesty and disclosure in a relationship?

If your beloved needs space to process something in her life, is it wrong to want to know what's going on? What kinds of things do you think it's reasonable to keep to yourself and what kinds of things should be shared?

If you meet someone new and find a relationship is developing, what are the must-knows - the things you absolutely have to know about this person?

It's easy to say that a good relationship has total honesty, but face it - there are some practical limits. I wonder what those limits are and how you identify them.

 

[Cathleen]

What are the boundaries of honesty and disclosure in a relationship?

If your beloved needs space to process something in her life, is it wrong to want to know what's going on? What kinds of things do you think it's reasonable to keep to yourself and what kinds of things should be shared?

If you meet someone new and find a relationship is developing, what are the must-knows - the things you absolutely have to know about this person?

It's easy to say that a good relationship has total honesty, but face it - there are some practical limits. I wonder what those limits are and how you identify them.

There is a lot here to consider. My first reaction was one dimentional. With further thought I am realizing there are so many things that come into play with information.

There is motivation; what is the motive behind giving and receiving information. What will be gained, or lost, by sharing with another; will it further the relationship, me personally, my partner? I share truth, I may take time to share it all, but I share the truth of myself. I've been burned and backstabbed in the past, so either I haven't learned how to discern when sharing is appropriate or to whom I share is a trustworthy person or its just my way. Truth doesn't hurt, I believe this, if it is the truth; whether that is "my" truth, "his" truth or "the" truth. If its real for me I its my truth and I choose to share.

Timing is a problem for me. I am very private. If I sense him to be trustworthy, I will share the bigger parts of me rather quickly. (I'm am trying to change this behavior, as it seems to get me into places perhaps prematurely.) Timing seems to be a sense...not of the five senses, but important none-the-less. A tool I know, but need to use, is the share-check-share tool. I share something, check in with myself, the situation, trying to determine if things are okay, and if so, share more. Its smart, I just need to remember to develop and use the skill. There is a natural progression to relationships, the best way for me is slowly, but sometimes other forces are there too and they grow at a far faster rate. This is where the senses would come into play for me.

I need to rely on my senses. I need to feel, touch, see, be aware, in order to guage where this relationship may or may not go. Sometimes just a gut feeling is what I need to be aware of when making a decision, other times its the axiom "actions speak louder than words". When my actions do not match my words, I know there is something amiss, same for other people, if I see and hear different things, then an alarm will sound to me. Its a question of balance, of things matching up.

I think its so complex, to know boundaries, as they change with each relationship, and as a relationship evolves. All of this deals with boundaries and motivation and truth. When something is amiss, I need to identify that, try to become aware of why and then make the best decision with that information. I can't bottom line this, other than to remain aware and mindful, of myself and my partner.

 

[midwestyankee]

There is a lot here to consider. My first reaction was one dimentional. With further thought I am realizing there are so many things that come into play with information.

<snip>

I think its so complex, to know boundaries, as they change with each relationship, and as a relationship evolves. All of this deals with boundaries and motivation and truth. When something is amiss, I need to identify that, try to become aware of why and then make the best decision with that information. I can't bottom line this, other than to remain aware and mindful, of myself and my partner.

It sounds like your boundaries are internal and you check them regularly.

Are there any must-knows for you, Cate? Things that, if you find them out only later on in a relationship, you feel cheated or misled?

 

[Cathleen]

It sounds like your boundaries are internal and you check them regularly.

Are there any must-knows for you, Cate? Things that, if you find them out only later on in a relationship, you feel cheated or misled?

I try always to be mindful and aware. It may sound easy, but its not always. Internal workings become the external appearance so it matters to me what is happening within me.

The must knows.... that depends upon the relationship. I like to know their status of life at the moment, where they are in their life. What they are searching for, what they want to add to their life. To trust that information and then find it to be false is hurtful to me, I've lived through it, it doesn't diminish me, but it will diminish my view of them and thats a tough item to overcome for me. I value honesty. I give it and want it in return. Its up to the other person to do as they see fit, and I do give additional chances, but there is a limit to my sharing as a result.

I just want truth. Be who you are, not something you wish you were, or want for me to believe, just be you. With that there is the possibilty of growth for the relationship.

 

[midwestyankee]

Ah, Cate, you must think I'm being philosophical today. Not on your life. Today is all about practicality.

Therefore, I read your post and have to ask: so it doesn't matter to you if the other person is already attached or married?

 

[Cathleen]

Ah, Cate, you must think I'm being philosophical today. Not on your life. Today is all about practicality.

Therefore, I read your post and have to ask: so it doesn't matter to you if the other person is already attached or married?

Oh how I am too practical most times. Hmmmm, there is not a quick answer to that question. Ok..... practical..... yes, if the intension of the relationship is for it to become romantic, yes it matter tremendously. If someone is attached or married, they are unavailable to me fully. This is not something I want to do again....been there, done that, hell I could sell the tee shirts on that one!

Practical enough? LOL

Now.... you're turn... please do respond to your post.... if you want of course! lol

 

[midwestyankee]

Now.... you're turn... please do respond to your post.... if you want of course! lol

Of course.

I think I'm with you on the internal boundaries with respect to my own telling. Though I tend to err on the more-informative side if at all.

As for must-knows, I would want to know attached/unattached status for certain. I say this mostly because this is too large a thing to keep back. Other factors such as looks, health, likes and dislikes tend to come into play more with online relationships where it's possible to keep the truth to oneself more easily than in RL. It would be irritating to be deceived in these areas, but I don't see them as deal breakers.

 

[Cathleen]

Of course.

I think I'm with you on the internal boundaries with respect to my own telling. Though I tend to err on the more-informative side if at all.

As for must-knows, I would want to know attached/unattached status for certain. I say this mostly because this is too large a thing to keep back. Other factors such as looks, health, likes and dislikes tend to come into play more with online relationships where it's possible to keep the truth to oneself more easily than in RL. It would be irritating to be deceived in these areas, but I don't see them as deal breakers.

Well, as for attached/unattached...that is a must! That would be a deal breaker for me, if left unsaid, or deceit. I've been burned there too.... aww heck, I am a sucker, thats all! I trust too easily most of the time, but the alternative isn't too attractive to me. Someones personal appearance matters not to me.....really its all about honesty for me. I can't stand to be lied to, it really fries my butt! How is that for being practical!

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by Cathleen
Well, as for attached/unattached...that is a must! That would be a deal breaker for me, if left unsaid, or deceit. I've been burned there too.... aww heck, I am a sucker, thats all! I trust too easily most of the time, but the alternative isn't too attractive to me. Someones personal appearance matters not to me.....really its all about honesty for me. I can't stand to be lied to, it really fries my butt! How is that for being practical!

 

[~Dream~]

hi MWY Hi Cate....
well good question for sure...well cyber relationships are easy to hide for the most part for many..thats why i perfer phone and cam what you hear and see is what you get... Kidding.......
on a serious note i like to know if they are married and honestly I perfer to chat with married men...for various reasons..I am married and never lie about that status...i perfer older men too so age is important to me..as are looks what can I say I am shallow there has to be an attraction of sorts...but the most important thing to me in rl as well as a cyber relationship is intelligence.I can't stand a one way conversation...Honestly is also a factor ..isn't it funny we tend to be more honest with the person whom we are having an affair with... They seem to know the most..well thats it from me this morning.....


Oh BTW Yank have you noticed the yankee wins lately????

Nice post sweety and I gotta agree with the Honesty part as well,and women like to be 'stimulated' alot more than just in a sexual sense also ,I find a share alot more of myself with my phone sex partner than with my Bf..I think it's because each 1 of them satisfies a different yet very REAL need I have..

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
Ah, Cate, you must think I'm being philosophical today. Not on your life. Today is all about practicality.

Therefore, I read your post and have to ask: so it doesn't matter to you if the other person is already attached or married?

 

[midwestyankee]

Well, as for attached/unattached...that is a must! That would be a deal breaker for me, if left unsaid, or deceit. I've been burned there too.... aww heck, I am a sucker, thats all! I trust too easily most of the time, but the alternative isn't too attractive to me. Someones personal appearance matters not to me.....really its all about honesty for me. I can't stand to be lied to, it really fries my butt! How is that for being practical!

Yes, Cate, if admitting that something fries your butt, then this is practical enough.

You call yourself a "sucker," which leads me to believe you feel that you allowed yourself to be deceived once too often. Chances are, most of us have had that same experience.

So now let me rearrange the question: to what extent does it matter to you if someone you meet misrepresents himself or herself - presumably to become more attractive to you in the early going?