Deep needs and double-edged sex - Help!

[Silky_Thighs]

Hello everyone, I am really hoping you guys can help me!

I feel frustrated and sad. I have a real submissive streak and hunger and wish for it to be satisfied, yet it seems no matter what I try, I can't get my boyfriend to fulfill that part of me. I think maybe he just doesn't get it.

We are both 24. We've been dating for 2.5 years, and were each other's firsts. It's a good loving relationship, and monogamous, which we are both happy with. I love our egalitarian, loving and very lustful sex, much of the time, but there are things I am needing to explore. I know from what I am secretly thinking, that sometimes I enjoy being rather dominant. I have followed this up a little - I've tied him up and blindfolded him while I went down on him, and he said he rather enjoyed it, the idea of not being able to see what I will do next. And I've said some pretty smutty things that he's kind of liked (he's always surprised to find that he likes that kind of thing). He seems to enjoy when I, on rare occasions try and initiate rougher sex. But I want more of this, and it to be more intense. But I have no idea how to initiate it. There are things that I think of doing to him that I am terrified to even whisper to him. We trust each other, and he's never given me an indication that he thinks any fantansy I have is sick or gross, in fact he's been fairly openminded with trying new things (he says he'll try something once) especially considering his conservative upbringing where talking about sex was taboo and it was all repressed (he still will more or less never masturbate). But still I am so frightened of the prospect of him getting turned off and thinking it's gross and rejecting me, though I'm not sure why I'm so worried. But how do I tell someone who thinks guy-on-guy stuff is the ultimate in ick and who thinks anal with me would be gross that I wish I could turn him over and tenderly fuck him with a strap on, and get to feel what it's like to penetrate him, and be recieved for a change, for instance? Even when it doesn't go that far, subtlety seems lost, and I'm too worried about pushing his boundaries to just take him and tie him up, and slap his bum and tell him all about how I'm going to use him.

And then, if you can believe it, my submissive streak is stronger. I enjoy many of the non-consensual stories on lit. I can get soaking wet just reading some of the BDSM personal ads for submissive women. I'm not really into humiliation, I just have such a desire to serve well and please (maybe that's why I just love giving head so very much) and willing give whatever he wants of me, anything he'd ask, as long as it's ultimately loving done. I ache to be used for his pleasure. And I want to be controlled and told what to do, what a good girl I am for being obedient, what a little slut I am for wanting all the nasty things I want done to me. I so want him to talk dirty to me, and emphasize the power dynamic with his words. God, how drenched I'd get. I need the aural stimulation, but I hardly ever get it. I've told him that I would like him to be more dominant, but I don't think he really knows how to do it the way I would like, what to say. He has on a few occasions greadily stuck his hard cock in my face and told me to suck it, and put his hands on the back of my head to control the speed, and this made rivers run down my legs. I've been so turned on on occasion that I could barely move for all the rushing of such intense desire coursing through me. But it's so rare. He has told me he prefers equality, that he's not really into the power dynamics stuff. But I so am. Is there any hope for me?

Sometimes he will be in the mood and throw me over the back of the stair railing and give me a good hard fuck from behind (the only position I'm not guaranteed to come in) and cum hard and quickly before he goes to work. He says me letting him do this with me makes him feel cared for, which I like and find very fulfilling. Sometimes I like being used like this in a sexual way, but sometimes I feel used in the bad way because he almost never drags it out and plays with me when we have sex. Unfortunately I have a much higher libido (and need for variety) than he does, so there are times when I am so horny because I haven't gotten any for days, and when he does this knowing I won't get the relief of cumming, and then won't be in the mood for the next few days, it's just too much. Especially when 3/4 of the time I try to seduce him I get (gently) rejected. I'm just losing hope, it makes me feel undesirable, and so hurt, and sometimes I tell myself I will give up, but I always seem to put myself though the rounds of rejection again and again. It's impossible to not take personally when it happens so much.

It's expecially painful because I am pretty much always the one to do the seducing. It's hard for me to feel desirable and feminine and wanted so badly when I can't remember the last time he initiated it. He says that it's hard for him to get the urge to initiate it, because I'm always doing it. He also said he doesn't like "asking" for it, it makes him feel bad, which I don't get, and he hasn't explained very well. But if I don't initiate, then nothing ever happens, and then at the mildest attempt of his days and days later, I get soaked and crazed in about 20 seconds because I've been waiting so long, and of course it takes him no time at all to cum because it's been a while, and so I hardly begin to be satisfied. One he cums, basically it's all over. I've almost always orgasmed one or twice by them, and it's like he thinks that because I'm multiorgasmic and will cum 3 times to his one most times we fuck, that he doesn't need to engage in forplay, seduction and good long fucks. By the clock, he always overestimates how long we're doing it for, and so probably thinks I'm quite demanding. But I usually don't get satisfaction and resolution after an orgasm or two, with 15 minutes of sex. Not when I long for messing around for hours. It's not like I want it every time, but I NEVER get that. Is this so demanding? I'm sick of feeling like I'm demanding and high maintenance, when I think these are normal desires and that other men would kill to have a gf like me. And I am starting to feel unattractive and undesirable because of it. Why oh why can I not get what I need and this kind of intimate bonding affirmation from the person I love??

Though I get itchy and uncomfortable, I let him shave me, mostly because he likes it, though I kind of dig the look too, and love the thought of doing something nice for him, a kind of gift, and a way for him to mark me as his. But he won't maintain me properly, he doesn't put effort into upkeep (maybe I'm lame, but I can't seem to shave myself without hurting myself as much as I've tried so I need him to do it), and I end up pestering him to do it, feeling like a nag, and I hate being ragged and unkept. Yet he maintains how much he loves it when I am smooth. When I go though so much discomfort to be how he likes, I don't understand why he feels unmotivated to do his part.

I so want more foreplay, and creative forepaly with variety. When he touched me, it used to make me swoon, and he would do it until I could stand it no more. Now he just wants to get to sex. While he has been quite open-minded to the things I've suggested trying, sexually, he says that he's rather uncreative, and finds it hard to think of new things to do. As a result I feel like it's all me putting effort into it, and I'm starting to run out of ideas, stuff gets boring, and I'm sick of doing all the work. I really need more mutal imput to spark my creativity and excite me sexually. And I have such a need to be dominated, so it would turn me on so much. How can I be submissive if I'm the one thinking of things to do? I've told him how I want to be treated, but if I say, do this, do this, do this, that's kind of the antithesis of what I'm looking for. I can't understand how I can offer myself like an all you can eat exotic buffet, so willing to do anything, and at most he wants some fries, maybe with gravy on occasion. Is there something wrong with me, or am I under the delusion that most guys would jump at the opportunity?

He doesn't really like going down on me either, I can count how many times it's happened in our entire relationship on two hands probably. He also tells me that I don't cum from it and so he gets discouraged. This was true at first, when I didn't know what I needed (and I wondered if there was something wrong with me, like I was broken!). But then I figured out what it takes, and he can with a little perserverance, now get me to cum every time, if I guide him. But he forgets that and still thinks he can't. Not long ago we got into a bit of a spat because he was saying he could only make me come twice, while the actual number is much more encouraging. I should remember! But he insisted I was wrong. He complains of his tongue et al getting tired now much more than he used to a year ago, and while I believe this, I still feel like he's just trying to get out of it. It's not fair, because he adores it when I go down on him, says I blow his mind, and so he gets it every day, that is, when he isn't pushing me off, literally *sad sigh*. I do it knowing that if I finish him off I basically will get nothing for at least the next day. And it's called a blow job for a reason, because to do it well requires work and is not always easy. I've gone for an hour till I was uncomfortable, my jaw cramped, knees hurting, toungue a bit raw, sweating and so tired I was praying in my head, "please God make him cum now," not mind you that I didn't love every minute, but when you use your whole body and put everything into it, it's hard to sustain. And when I told him this, I guess angry that he stopped at the first sign of getting tired instead of finding some way to deal with it, he seemed shocked (I couldn't believe he had no idea how much work it was!) and told me that if I get uncomfortable I should stop. Yeah, equitable and all, but, that's not me. I'm very much someone who puts my all into things. And way to miss the point!

This is the same story with massages too. When we first started dating he was very giving. Now, even though I regularly give to him, for like an hour and a half, and it's physically demanding, he almost never spontaneously does it for me anymore, and when I ask (which I hate having to), it seems half-hearted...or at least way to short (like 10 minutes at most), then says he's gotten tired. It's so not fair, and it makes me feel unwanted, and I don't understand, and telling him doesn't seem to help.

It gets worse. This is embarassing for me to even say, but, he won't even use his tongue when he kisses me, ever. He says he gets more fulfillment with me in particular (as opposed to the opposite with other girls) when he is kissing me with mouth closed than he does french kissing. I pretty much have to beg, and then when he does, he criticises my technique, and I feel so put on edge there's no flow, and it feels akward, and I become embarressed and worried that I'm horrible, or laugh at how mechanical it feels. My previous boyfriends had no complaints, and neither did he when we first dated. I always found him to be kind of bad at it and extremely agressive, but I knew he basically had no experience, and so tried to show him a more gentle way. But to him it's only for passion, not teasing. So fine, I try and do it passionately, and he will explain exactly how I'm not doing it right (apparently now I'm too agressive), meanwhile I'm not exactly getting much out of it. Even our regular kissing which used to be so nice, his lips are tighter now, and it's not as good. I wish we could just sit and make out for like, 10 minutes before sex, or just in place of it...it seems like that will never ever happen.

And to continue the theme, I used to be able to drive him wild while playing licking and blowing on his ear. He would become instantly turned on. Now he dislikes it and finds it ticklish, and claims that it doesn't feel like I'm doing it the same way.

What the bloody fuck gives??? Our relationship has only become stronger over time, at least if this crap corresponded to our relationship going to hell, I'd understand. I know he's not the type to put on an act for the first few months. He's really honest, and a good person. So what the hell??

I also want sex to be more spritual. I don't really know how to explain what I want, except that I want, once in a while, to use the cliche of cliches, "make sweet love," instead of fucking, or what I could clasify aa just regular sex. Something very soulful, sweet, tender, verbal (!), affectionate and trancendent. I feel it in me, and I feel instinctively how to express it, but I can't unless it's two sided, and when I try and explain this to him, he doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. This from a very warm, caring person! I don't get how to explain it. I don't want to go without this for the rest of my life either though, and so it leaves me dissatisfied.

Well, this started out as me just wanting to get help and ideas on how to help my boyfriend take control (which I still want), and now just thinking of this whole situation I feel at my wit's end. Even a slave must feel more satisfied, no? I mean, their master would take care to fulfill their deepest needs, even if involved them not getting to cum and such. I don't know how to express how shitty it is for me. I just don't know what I can do to make it better, I feel lost. It makes me want to just find someone who will just take me in his arms tell me how sexy and cute I am, how much he wants me all the time, adores me, will keep me safe and make it all better (see, I'm such a sub *L*). What I wouldn't give to experience that kind of a dominant, confident man, and what I wouldn't give back to him! But, really, I do love my boyfriend deeply, I don't want to be leaving him because of these problems. All in all our sex life feels like it's good, I enjoy it and am happy. And I know that he loves me very much too. I wonder if being overall happy, but having these deep needs which are very difficult to live without them being met is something that all subs have, or that people here would really be able to relate to. Anyways, I would be so very grateful for any feeback and help. Thanks.

 

[chris9]

Ok, I understand why this thread has had so many views but no answers. Usually we are quicker to respond to newbie's posts. But, oh my, you are wordy (I don't mean this in a negative way, it just takes some time to read your post...)
But hey, I did read it, and it would be such a waste of time if I didn't answer, right?

I'm a sub in a long-term (6 1/2 years) non-D/s relationship. When we started none of us had any experience sexually, we explored and learned together. It took me a long time to figure out there really exists something like my fantasies (BDSM), and even longer to tell him. I tried subtle hints, more open hints. Nothing worked till I told him straightforward what my fantasies are and that I would like him to try out stuff with me. So what is the key is communication. Maybe sit your bf down in a non-sexual setting (easiest when not at home), or write him an e-mail/letter (that's what I did, due to circumstances at the time). I found the e-mail approach to be rather nice, because I felt he was not pressured into saying/doing something right away, but had a chance to think about it first. And since it had taken me a long time to realize this about myself I felt it was only fair to give him some time to see how he stood in regards to this whole BDSM thing.

He still is no Dominant and I don't think ever will be, but our sex is more kinky, often he takes charge, ties me up, spanks me, whatever. I'd imagine it's not the same as with a Dominant, because ultimately he does it to please me.
When I was reading your post I kept thinking that maybe your bf does not get something that very essential for a relationship in my book, that you do things to please your partner. It doesn't really matter what kind of relationship, and I believe this is also true for D/s, even Master/slave type relationships. It doesn't work to be always giving without ever getting your needs met. Now, (and because it's easiest for examples) if one partner is sadistic, the other masochistic, both get their needs met from the same thing, pain, one receiving, one giving. Everything good. Now maybe the sadistic partner really likes to attach clamps or clothespins to the other's body, whereas the masochistic one prefers being spanked, they might reach the compromise of doing both (maybe not at the same time), each to please the other, to keep them happy. It's the same in non-sexual settings. I don't like watching movies that much, especially in cinema, don't know why. He doesn't like going for walks. Every now and then one of you does do this activity, because the other enjoys it.
The passage of your post about going down on each other, how he told you to stop blowing him once you get uncomfortable, how he does not like to continue licking you once he gets tired, suggests that he doesn't see pleasing each other despite personal uncomfortableness as good, as done in a relationship. I don't know if this really is the case, but also with quick sex, kind of like I come, you come, done, sleep, without seeing to it that you really are satisfied, trusting that you take care of your own wants like he does of his sounds like it.
I don't really know how to solve this. I don't know any of you, but I doubt that even knowing you personally and closely I had any idea. I'd say 'communicate, communicate, communicate' as that seems to be good regardless of what's the problem in the relationship.

Now for the 'I'm a sub, he's no Dom' part, and seeing that you both actually seem to enjoy playing the other way round, I would advice you to read this thread. It deals with some issues of the kind, especially, like you said, walking him through dominating you, telling him exactly what to do. You also might want to look into threads by FurryFury, and into her posts, because she's sort of like an expert in that field.

Anyway, I hope you both can solve your problems to enjoy the relationship being sexually satisfied.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Silky.

I had kind of a similar thing. My last long-term bf was like yours. It took a long time for me to tell him my kinks (I'm a sub by the way). We had problems for months before we got to the bottom of things. What I discovered when he finally opened up was the following: -

1) He felt threatened by my sub needs. I kind of assumed that he'd be naturally thrilled to have me at his feet but when I placed myself there, he didn't know quite what to do with me. He saw my having different desires as a kind of criticism of the way we normally had sex. Of course it wasn't but his knee-jerk reaction was "she doesn't like what I do." and he lost motivation.

2) He felt a bit silly. Being dominant wasn't something he'd considered before and it made him feel guilty - that he shouldn't enjoy treating me like that. It took him a long time to relax into the role and really explore how he felt about it. To try it and see if HE liked it rather than to do it half-heartedly because I wanted it. I never wanted to dominate him - I feel ridiculous trying to switch, which was only fair - but I offered to and thought it'd help me understand what I was asking of him. He never went for that idea, but it might work for you.

3) He was scared. Because I waited till our relationship was established before I talked to him about BDSM it meant that our established dynamics were threatened. He was terrified that our partnership would be destroyed by playing power games. He didn't think it worth the risk because he didn't have deep seated desires about trying it. Also, he was frightened of things going too far and of hurting me or damaging our trust. He didn't think it possible that we could go down the BDSM road without mistakes and misunderstandings. He said more than once that he'd never be able to forgive himself if he hurt me more than was pleasurable for me. He was also worried that whatever he tried to do would fall short of my expectations (not that I had any) and fantasies and that I'd see him as even more of a sexual failure. He felt emasculated by my unfulfillment and I'd guess your guy is going through something similar.

4) He was repressed. Your guy sounds the same. He didn't often ask for sex and felt almost guilty about having sex at all. I could see him sat at his mother's kitchen table barely able to speak to her because he felt ashamed of whatever we'd got up to that morning or the previous night. You'd think the woman was telepathic. I'd swear that whenever I suggested something kinky her face would flash across his mind and scare him out of it!

5) He got depressed about it. Your bf seems to be interested in stuff that he enjoys and understands. He may even see the daily blow-job thing as indulging your sub side without realising that you want the mind games as well. The fast sex before he goes to work sounds similar too. This is where he gets to be dominant - to deny you a climax and regain his masculinity. It's fast and hard, he can't get it wrong and he feels like a man again. He probably struts out the door thinking you're weak-kneed and fulfilled. It distracts him from the pain and confusion of thinking that he can't satisfy you - something no man cares to admit to himself. He also probably doesn't understand that you can have to orgasms in ten minutes and feel empty - he doesn't.

I would guess at this point that, as you say you've been trying to talk to him and have been initiating sex for so long, the whole idea upsets and depresses him a bit now. If I were you (and I'm not so feel free to ignore me) I'd give him a break and take sex off the agenda for a few weeks. When he's not so uptight about it, try something you know he'd enjoy and not feel threatened by like trying you with silk scraves and teasing you with feathers rather than presenting him with a flogger. De-briefing is important - make a point of finding out what turned him on and take things further in that direction. He'll feel more in control and more like a stud. Go with whatever he wants to experiment with to start with and get him relaxed about experimentation. Once he's on the road and happy to try things and communicate positively or negatively without worrying, you can look at what you want.

This is a bit long-winded as well. I don't know if he'll go for any of it or if I'm right about any of it. Those are my thoughts. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

Velvet

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Thank you guys for your posts, both were extremely helpful. I do appologise for my lack of brevity. I didn't intend for it to happen, just, once I started writing all my frustrations poured out.

Well, I hope that I have not gone and made things worse - I should have waited for feedback. But last night I had the idea of repeating the whole tie him up and blindfold him and go down on him thing when he got home from work, I guess to inject some kink. When I did it this time he seemed considerably less enthusiastic and turned on by it, but maybe that's because for whatever reason I felt like a damn fool, self-conscious, and fumbled with the scarves, and pretty much was a vision of akwardness. We had sex, same old same old, I came a plenty, but near the end was hardly turned on! Afterwards he asked me why I seemed unhappy. I guess it showed on my face. I told him the truth, that I was dissapointed that he didn't seem to enjoy himself, that I felt like a dork, and that I was getting bored.

Not surprisingly (and I was stupid to say that to him right afterwards, and to not have thought about how to put it more tactfully), in the ensuing conversation he indicated that he felt like I was blaming him, which I wasn't. He said if something's wrong then either he's to blame, I'm to blame or both, and that I had pointed the finger at him. And that I thought sex with him was boring. Basically he took it the worst, most emasulating way possible, and not how I meant it. I did say though that, while I didn't find it boring per say, that after years and years of the same thing, I was going to get tired of it and be unsatisfied, because there will be things I want to try. He said then that if he couldn't statisfy me then I probably should leave the relationship, or else I'd end up cheating, leaving later, or accept it but be filled with resentment. He felt that unfair because he was perfectly happy with out sex life, felt we had a healthy variety, and didn't wish for anything more. He said he was content, and part of what he enjoyed was the routine (he's definately someone who likes structure, and knowing what to expect). That I know he's not a particularly adventurous guy (sadly adventure is high up there for me). I had told him that there was stuff I wanted to try that I was too scared to tell him. He said I couldn't "blame" him if I never told him anything to follow up on, and reminded me that he had never judged me in the past. I reminded him of the things I told him that I liked that he never followed up on. I told him that I was getting tired of always being the one to try and spice stuff up and that I would like if he took at look at some things and initiated more. He said he supposed that he could do that for me, but it wouldn't really be for his enjoyment. And I said that I wanted him to enjoy himself, and that maybe we would find stuff that he liked too that we didn't know about, and he said that would be unlikely, and his attitude was that I would be asking him to engage in things he didn't like for me, ignoring his needs to satisfy my own. Still, he said he would look into it. He said that he liked sex with me, but if we never had sex, he would still enjoy just cuddling and being close with me, and would be happy. About me bringing the whole thing up, he said he was not angry with me for feeling this way, just extremely frustrated.

Though intellectually I see the obvious truth that we're not the best match sexually, I find it at this point still unconscionable to take the next step, and from a detached point of view decide to end the relationship. There is alot of love there between us. I suppose his taking the lead is too much to hope for, but I'm hoping that if I can be a gentle and sensitive guide, we might be able to explore and really enjoy trying new things...if I knew how. Even ignoring subbiness, I would love just to be caressed more during sex, for him to whisper in my ear. That would have made sex last night a whole lot less mechanical and repetitious, and would have keeped me really in the moment. And I have no idea what to do to make that happen, or even if I can. "Communication, Communication" is a true cliche, but I've come to the point where I'm not even sure what on earth that means, what I should do. I am concerned that as was said, maybe he just doesn't understand the concept of making scarifices, doing what's unpleasant for the enjoyment of the other. Considering his fucked up upbringing, that wouldln't be much of a surprise, but can it be changed? Because so many of his "bad habits" that he got because of that upbringing have been improved since we started dating, not because I did anything to make that happen or tried to change him, only as soon as he's aware he's doing it he seems to work on it.

I think I will take that advice and really tone down the sex pressure for a few weeks (though I will go out of my mind, hands or no). I hope I can still make him feel loved, and not that I'm pulling away though, because last time I decided to do that, the blowjobs were somewhat reduced, which I thought would be something he'd be good with since he often enough would push me away anyways, and he felt all sad about it and rejected, and never told me until afterwards! Said he didn't like asking for it. So, I'm not the only one not speaking up about what I want here.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Silky

I'm sorry to hear that your conversation with your guy didn't go very well

Would you feel able to talk a little more about his upbringing? You seem to see it the root cause of his reluctance to try new things with you.

He also sounds as though he's scared you'll go elsewhere to get what you want. I know from what you've written that you wouldn't, but he sounds like it's a real fear for him.

Velvet

 

[chris9]

That's tough. *hugs*
It sure wasn't the best way to break it to the fragile male ego that you are not enjoying yourself But a relationship is also about dealing with unpleasant truths. I'd like to recommend a book to both of you. It's called "The Guide to Getting It On", published by The Goofy Foot Press, Hollywood. It's a fun book, no absolutes, but lots to think about and try, getting to know each their own body and then each others, exploring, having fun, not being upset when something doesn't work. It acutally suggests either reading it together or separately, marking things one felt were important, or wants to try. Then talk about it. It might help him to accept himself, to get ideas what to do. And then, maybe if you push him a bit into doing things sexually for you, even if he isn't thrilled about it, there might be stuff he will enjoy after a while. Or he might just find that he loves it when you are all giddy with satisfaction, smiling, dancing, loving him even more. It's not perfect, and it might take a lot of time for him to catch on, but it might be worth it.

Now, if you're planning to not have sex, maybe you could (carefully worded) tell him about it. Make it a project, like have each other write down what you miss most, what fantasies you have, what you would like to try. Spend more time doing things together, go on dates, flirt, talk, have fun together.
Just let him know, because if you don't, and just stop going down on him, denying him sex, after what sounds like a row about sex, he has good reason to think you don't like/want him anymore.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hang on a minute!

I never suggested Silky refuse sex altogether!

I thought that things might calm down if she didn't talk about her kinks for a bit, that's all. Just to get him out of the "Here she goes again." mindset when Silky does bring it up.

I'm not being held responsible for this one!

Velvet

 

[chris9]

I never suggested Silky refuse sex altogether!

I thought that things might calm down if she didn't talk about her kinks for a bit, that's all. Just to get him out of the "Here she goes again." mindset when Silky does bring it up.

I'm not being held responsible for this one!

Velvet

Oops, sorry, then I misunderstood you.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Oops, sorry, then I misunderstood you.

Apology accepted

Velvet

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Yeah, I was just intending to initiate it less often, be more content when it just happens, and not pressure him to do anything unfamiliar. That just means that we won't have it nearly as much *L* But I do want him to know that I like just regular joe sex with him too, and "here we go again" is not going to make him feel secure and loved, which I think he will really need now that I flubbed stuff up. Anyways, I was gone recently for 3 months, and that's enough celibacy for a long while. Too bad it wasn't as productive as it could have been had we been in closer communication, but he hates talking on the phone.

Ugh it sucks when you love someone and want to share your whole self with them, but keep hitting walls. Cause that intimacy is so special. I really wish that when we talked about sex that things weren't such a huge deal. When things don't work out either he gets upset and defensive, or I get dissapointed or frustrated and he reads that and he gets hurt, upset and defensive, and it becomes hard to keep things from escallating further. It seems so dumb! But it's so hard to stop, for me, to change my reactions, and for him too, poor guy.

As for his upbringing. His parents divorced at 10, afterwards he lived with his mum as did his sister. She had divorced because his dad stopped working, was unmotivated to help her, and began becoming critical, the way her parents had been. His mom says that her son became more angry then (but he's not what I'd call an angry person). Hi dad talks to him a few times a year and is like a friendly aquaintance. He lives out of province, and last time when he came to visit, shedualing was such that it was inconvenient to see his son. (!) Mom was emotionally abused as a kid and has alot of problems because of it including low self esteem. She's really annoying and never shuts up, just talks about the most mundane stuff until you want to scream. Now both him and his sister speak extremely disrespectfully to her, and will start yelling at her at the least provocation. She forgot my boyfriend's birthday this year. In fact any cards that came were late, and were either just signed, or "sorry it's late" or "here's 10$ for your birthday - dad" The family was evengelical religious, and though it wasn't extreme, it was enough that sex was never discussed, and a taboo. he's paranoid about privacy because both him mom and his sister have been known to snoop around, and then use the knowlege they've gained as leverage. They have a really messed up way with dealing with each other - it's all tit for tat, I'll do this if you give me this barganing, what advantage can I get. Nothing is ever done for "free". It seems like there isn't much real love, though I know deep down there is. They are hyper critical of each other, and when one criticises the other, the other will bring up something that they did wrong, and attack them with it. Both he and his mom, if confronted in any way by being less than perfect, will itimise every thing they've done good, every proof of their intellegence, and why other's aren't perfect either. It's just nuts. I have alot of trouble with my family too, but he doesn't understand my desire to rectify our problems, why I keep them in my life, why I listen to anything they say...so I guess that explains how he sees his. Apparently he wasn't touched as a kid...when he was 19 and a girl held his hand for the first time (in a non-romantic way, just a friend) it took her holding his hand for half an hour before he stopped shaking. Then she went and told everybody what had happened, betraying him he felt. In fact, the first time we started to make out and he was holding me he began violently trembling for a minute. After his parents divorced, he lived with him mom on his grandparents farm. He had to do alot of farm work while going to school. He says his grandmother was crazy feminist and didn't like him because he was a male, and was much nicer to his sister, let her slack off on chores and made him do the rest. His grandfather basically doesn't talk. He's the strong silent type, and cold. I guess his mom and him began to fight alot because he was told when he was 16 as soon as he became 18 he was going to be kicked out (but she'd let him finish school in June). So he took a full time job at nights while working an honours courseload, and didn't spend a dime of it, so that he could buy a house when he was of age. Because of this youth, the bank needed half the price as a downpayment, so you can imagine how hard he had to work.

So he has a very tender, caring, generous, loving, sensitive side, intuitive to emotions, extremely affectionate, that's warm and friendly and full of joy (he's a Pices), but he's also critical, judgemental, defensive, very black and white, and egotistical at least on the surface. I didn't initially like him at all. It took quite a while for his other side to show, and that's mostly where it's at with us, it's definately more his core self. And he really works at being a better person for me at least. He's also ambitious, driven, with a love of power, hard working, practical, frugal, and likes things to be ordered, shedualed, planned and predictable. He's introverted, solitary, kind of a sweet geek, calculating, able to easily remove himself from a situation emotionally, and analyse it. (he has a capricorn rising). These traits, though strengthed by his upbringing, are a part of his core self I think, and though they are not bad in themselves, they present a challenge to me because I'm his opposite in many ways. His sense of romance is traditional, but mostly that it's not necessary, if he's already told me he loves me he doesn't need to buy me flowers (or say it much again) to show me (for valentines day he bought me/us a nice canope bed, but he's never gotten me jewlery or anything non-practical), he's not very imaginative and has a poor sense of aesthetics (which he's trying to improve) but when he takes a photograph he talks about all the intelectual concepts that he was trying to visually show in the photograph, and it's quite involved. And as you know he likes his sex vanilla, he used to think that us doing it from behind was "kinky" (!), and I really love the dork.

Thus ends my psycological profiling. I swear I'm never writing anything on lit over 5 sentences again.

 

[Private_Label]

Is it just the sex you want to be more D/s or are you interested in spreading it out a bit into other areas of your life... Maybe the place to approach this is not int he bedroom but in the rest of the house.

I'm no expert (and yes, I agree with the suggestion that you read up on Furry Fury's posts, because she is going through a similar journey, but it sounds like she and her husband have a better communication system worked out - but I don't know you or her very well other than your posts here).
But why not play to letting him be in charge of the household first. He likes schedules and is frugal. Ask him for help in keeping you on time and within the budget. Offer to turn those aspects of your life together over to him (maybe have three accounts, you each have your own and then a joint house account?). Ask him hos he wants the house kept, what areas he wants to see done differently than now... Get comfortable with the other things, and talking about them, and maybe that will help his trust issues, when he sees that you are trying to make your lives mesh better in other areas as well.

I don't have any experience with this, it's just a suggestion.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think that's a good idea. I also think it appears your sexual problems area a symptom of other issues in the relationship rather than a completely separate issue.

Sorry if that thought complicates things

Velvet

 

[Temptress_lee]

When it comes to men. They are alot more physical, and they learn more through your actions. You don't just tell them what you want. You act out what you want with them. Which you seem to be doing but maybe I can offer you a little more help. I had a boyfriend who I wanted to experiment with more at one point. I was really kinky, and I wanted things to be more spontaneous. At first he was really insecure about sex because he had problems maintaining an erection. But I fixed that problem.

At this point in your relationship. You seem to be the more dominant one when it comes to sex. Maybe that threatens him, and it makes him feel insecure. If your goal is to get him to be more sponataneous, and adventerous in the bedroom then you might have to tone it down a bit.

Guys are easily seduced as long as your patient with them. Try going a few days without touching him at all. Be more obediant towards him. Be spontaneous, but be sexy about it. Try bringing him his coffea one mourning naked. Do something to spark his interest. Let him see what kind of things could happen if he were more open to it. Bondage isn't all about spanking, and tying up your sub. It's about obediance, and trying to make him happy.

Instead of nagging him so much. Try just cuddling with him one night like he mentioned. Do something that HE wants. This is after all about him. Wait until he gives you the okay to kiss him, let him be the one to intiate things but don't tell him about it. Just do it. Another thing you can always do is FEED him. Men love food. They love it when you do their laundry, and act more nurturing. I dunno why but it might turn him on to see you being less anxious for everything. He'll start to wonder why your not tying him up anymore. Why everything was toned down all of the sudden. And who knows your sweet, innocent behavior might turn him on so much that he actually wants to try it one night.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

I have sat back and read most of your guys posts about this and this is what I have gleaned. Silky loves her man and besides the issues with sex the relationship is good. I have read in the how to areas how most of the posters there say that sexual compatiblity is near the top of the list as things to agree on if you want a long lasting relationship. I see about three major resolution to the problems your having.

A You both go as you have gone, your stay sorta sadified and he stays happy with its always been.

B You get him to come closer to you way of thinking through some means.

c You break the relationship of and find someone more sexually compatable.

I don't see you doing c so that either leaves A or B. You sound like your sick of A too so now we have only B to deal with.

I don't have any idea on how to make him more dominate in your realtionship, its got to be something that is in him already that you need to nuture or he doesn't have it in him to dominate, that is just my opinion.

If you want him to start sex more often then the suggestions before sound good. Not sure you ever said anything about your masturbating but you might need to so to keep the your needs met when he fails start the sex episode. As for the oral sex goes I think its a 50/50 split some guys hate to give it and others loves to. I would remind him gently that you get some aches and pains from pleasing him in that way to. You might suggest that when your get wet enough that his fingers could take the place of his tongue, he then can finger fuck you and play with your clit if he wants. It might be an idea to buy a toy to help him to so that way when he gets tired then he can use that to give you enough orgasm that you ask him to stop. If these steps don't work then maybe just stop giving him oral until he returns the favor??

 

[Xelebes]

hs~r

4rlz


!!!!!



/reads anyways

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Xelebes, I have no clue what you're saying.

Yes, I masturbate tons already. It doesn't satisfy me as much as it did when I wasn't in a relationship though, sex with him is so much better and more fulfilling, but I will have to try and enjoy it more instead of making it second best I suppose.

I already walk around naked alot of the time. He likes it and gets sad when I put on clothes for a few days! And I feed him quite frequently, I enjoy cooking, enjoy pleasing him, and hey, it's easier to cook for 2! I do quite alot thinking of his needs, but sometimes I do forget. The advice to just cuddle and please him is pertinant. It's such a different thing to think of nice things to do and anticipate needs then to actually vividly imagine yourself in that person's shoes. I find the change in perspective dramatic and that I see things that I've overlooked.

I really don't have much experience to compare our relationship, as this is the longest one I've had. I think it's it's a good relationship, there is much goodness, and I am frequently satisfied, but there's several major conflicts too, including the sex issue. And the communication is not as good as it is with most people in my life. That is a real obstical. But our problems, from my point of view, all have to do with conflicting values. The question in the long term for me is will living my life with him stop me from being and doing what I need in order to feel like I've lived a fulfilled life. It's hard to judge. And, I am much more aware of this basic conflict than he is, presumably because the status quo as it is currently is mostly good for him, and he expects that life to continue indefinately.

I think the D/s thing is only something for the bedroom, or some intimate moments, it could never be a lifestyle. I don't know if I want that, and I know my boyfriend doesn't have that kind of a strength. In fact when it gets right down as deep as it can go, I think I'm the stronger. The appocolypse couldn't crush me. I don't know exactly how to explain it...like, when you're worn thin, and the fabric of your strength tears...and even the empty space in the hole is worn...to know if you had to still give, endure, be there completely, you could, indefinately. I know I have that. When I first realised this I was quite saddened, because carrying all that alone is a lonely, tiring experience. Part of me is looking for someone who is my equal in that area, so sometimes I don't have to hold it up. So I can be held and know that I can let go for a while and be cared for. But happily crisis is rare, and he almost makes up for this lack though his love and caring and compassion.

Also, unfortunately, the guy is a total complete slob. Harsh, but it's the truth. The house, left under his care, is more nasty than I will ever tell, and this is no exaggeration. Needless to say, I keep what I can livable (this is soon to be a make or break point, but anyways). It's happened before when I lost my job and was kind too bummed out to look for another for a time when he's taken charge of finances, and actually become more dominant in the relationship, but it was distinctly unpleasant, he resented it, and was patronising. Don't ever want to be back there. As it is, it being his house, he's in charge of everything about it, and in order feel more a part of this relationship, I realised I would need, if I stayed living with him, to be an equal in it, and step up to the plate, and make it OUR house. And he's expressed that he'd like an equal partner to help physically and financial manage it, because it would help him feel less burdened. I think he has too much responsibility for someone who never had a childhood, and that it's difficult for him. Anyways, I will probably move out and get a place of my own because I've realised that that would be the best thing for my personal development and growth.

Hm. Maybe considering our personal dynamics, this isn't the most appropriate place to post. But I don't have to engage in the full lifestyle to try stuff out...Thank you for for being welcoming at any rate.

I will also be reading those links, thanks.

 

[DVS]

From what I've read of this thread, it seems to have taken a dive. Now, I don't want to change your mind, but just in case somebody else hasn't told you...

Kinky sex is just what you make of it. You can be a Domme and he a sub, or you can sitch and he be the Dom and you the sub. Or, you can just play around with different things that you like and not even worry about who's the Dom or the sub.

Do what you like to do. Don't think you ahve to "be" the Domme, or him "be" the sub. Bondage can be fun all by itself. Just like he said, being tied up and have a sexy woman go down on you is hot. And, being blindfolded too...I can picture how he must have felt.

But, you don't have to say he's the sub because he's tied up or you're the Domme because you are in control. Just take the bits and pieces you both enjoy and have fun. Maybe he might want to tie you up and go down on you. You know, he might want to show you how great it feels.

Let him do that. He's in charge, but you don't have to call it that. All you need to call it is being kinky together. Explore together and maybe, the more you do things like that, the more open he will be about trying something more advanced. Trying to get him to be more than he's ready to be isn't going to do much more than turn him off the the whole thing. You can't make a sub or Dom out of him. He has to want it.

Say, ever thought of lubing up a finger and shoving it up his asshole, while you have him tied and blindfolded. Swallow his cock and slowly slide your finger up his ass right when he's about to cum. Of course, if he doesn't like it, don't force it on him, next time. But, he might like it.

Now, if someone has already mentioned this to you...sorry for the dublication.

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Yes, I've done the finger up the ass thing. He loves it (provided it's only done occasionally)! He loves having his ass licked, which is something I just asked if I could try one day. So good things can happen unexpectedly. In fact, he once surprised me by reciprocating with no warning. It was so shocking I couldn't tell if I actually liked it or not, but it was memorable.

Not exacly on topic, but we had some really nice sex last night. He actually initiated, and stroked me alot when I was going down on him. It was one of those few times when I wasn't in the mood for much that night, but the stroking turned me on, and then he fucked me from behind groaning about how insanely tight I was (he never says stuff like that)...I got these weird tingly feelings along my back and butt which were pretty intense and pleasurable, and started to feel kind of floaty...it was really weird...and then he made me take the cum in my mouth which got a bit messy and I felt kinda like I was in a porno flick or something *L* And afterwards he held me and told me how much he loved me, and I felt all delicious, and sleepily massaged his shoulders. It was so nice. He was worried that I was frustrated because I didn't get to cum, worried that I hated every time that happened, and I had to tell him that only bothered me when we hadn't done anything in a while.

*happy dreamy sigh*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

That's great

So glad you're not losing your closeness over all this stuff.

Think DVS has some really good thoughts too. Take all the pressure off and remind him why he's madly in love with you

Not bad for a twisted spinster am I?

Velvet

 

[Guest]

..........

 

[leeroy jenkins]

..........

If you believe what you said Evitkar then why did you retract your post??

 

[Guest]

If you believe what you said Evitkar then why did you retract your post??

*sigh*
Because I suddenly realized that I was tired of pointing my finger and saying...
."Hey look.....The Emperor is butt-ass nekkid...And DAMN!!! He needs to do some crunches"...
Something that no one really wants to hear...

Been doing it for a long time...Along with others... Most of which don't post much (or any) anymore...
*shrug*
None of which has that much to do with this thread..

Lets just say, I decided my contribution would be without "positive value"..

 

[leeroy jenkins]

*sigh*
Because I suddenly realized that I was tired of pointing my finger and saying...
."Hey look.....The Emperor is butt-ass nekkid...And DAMN!!! He needs to do some crunches"...
Something that no one really wants to hear...

Been doing it for a long time...Along with others... Most of which don't post much (or any) anymore...
*shrug*
None of which has that much to do with this thread..

Lets just say, I decided my contribution would be without "positive value"..

It was a bit harsh but that doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Just my opinion

 

[Kajira Callista]

It was a bit harsh but that doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Just my opinion

dayum and i missed it! *sigh*

 

[Guest]

It was a bit harsh but that doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Just my opinion

Ohhhhh I'm pretty sure it's true...Or going to be...

*shrug*

But it tends to clash with all the teddy bear, touchy feely, everything is good, PCism we seem to be overwhelmed with lately...

But then, I am told periodicly that I am bitter and cynical... *grin* I am usually called this by people right before reality catches up with them.... And they become "bitter and cynical".


LOL!! This is also how one drives KC nuts.....