Decaying Libido in Wife.....

[cuediin]

Morning All. I am UK based.
I would like to take a simple vote...
What is the best way to help my wife get back into a sex drive. I know it is a little selfish of me to assume she wants to get back on but I am aware of that. I am also aware of the slating I will get.
My wife is lovely, and I adore her. We have been married for 17months and we managed to conceive our son on our wedding night. Sex has never been as frequent as I personally would like, but the fact that when we had it it was long, intimate and great. My wife had a pretty easy labour except that when she gave birth she got split...and they didnt stitch her up properly.
We tried sex about 1.5 months later...and well I orgasmed.
Afterwards I found out she wasnt even close and it was very painful for her. I immediately cursed her, then hugged her saying thank you...(doh)
I would like to think I am a considerate lover, foreplay almost always and if perchance I do ejaculate first...I will continue orally..
So, to find out she allowed me to orgasm while she was in pain hurt me...but I can understand why.
We havent had sex since. Its been 8months. She has been breast feeding and we got our son weened off 6 weeks ago.
Since then even though I work, I do most night feeds so she can sleep through. I realise she needs her sleep and rest to get back to her norm again. But not only has the sex been lacking, but so to has the .... affection?...the hugs, kisses, cuddles..
I realise also that most of the affection I got will be transferred to my son, but it is bewildering to be almost ignored like this.
I just been reading about the G-Spot post...so may try that later this week if she lets me....
We almost had sex the other week, but alas, I had to work and baby was crying, but I managed to make her happy orally. I think she may be scared of been in pain again, but thats one reason why I try orally to satisfy her, but, as I said things have been...weird for a while.
She is not very adventurous when it comes to sex and sex play.
I have plenty of things I would like to do, but keep them locked away in my mind. She would freak!
ANyways that aside...

Anyone got any ideas please?

I am getting quite frustrated..and my once 'infinite' patience seems to be flagging....I am losing hope...
But well so what....I have a wife and osn...
god is this rambling?
Anyways, sorry it is very late here and well....
thanks for the responds....
*hugs*
Cueball

 

[peachykeen]

Wow, I feel for ya mate. I haven't got much time to write a long response now but all I can say is, you need to keep reassurung her that you love her, and even though you are (clearly) frustrated, try really hard to not make her feel like there is 'something wrong with her'.

I think it's really hard for even the most sexually well-adjusted of new-moms to feel very 'sexy' after spending the day changin diapers, cleaning up kid puke, talking baby talk, etc. Sounds like you're both going through a tough time. Sadly, it will likely make-or-break your marriage.

Is she open to the idea of counseling?

 

[cuediin]

I havent even approached the word counselling with her. She was depressed for the first 3 months. I have since then taken on alot more responsibilities. I work from home as much as I can.
I do early shifts so she can sleep longer....
I have been quite diplomatic. Never saying whats wrong with you now...
Since the ... painful time, I havent even asked for sex. I just try to be affectionate, talk to her, hold her...but alas...
well..
I am just wondering what people think at this time? Am I been too quick? too slow? too hard on her?
I dont know. its out first kid and i havent a clue how i should react...
In the books you read, they reckon you can have sex after 1month...god i wont be making that mistake again!

Anyways, long or short posts, I appreciate all replies, critiscism or comments. I dont mind been wrong as long as I am been told
But I know she gets frustrated at not feeling sexy/attractive...

Just today we went shopping and we chose some clothes and I had to practically beg her to buy them, knowing she wanted them, to feel nice again....
I know women go through physical and emotional changes, but why cannot they just accept, they are stil beautiful!!! Beauty is a combination of looks, peronsality and emotion....
She is the most beautiful thing in the world, and she thinks she looks like shit....bahahhhh

Anyways....
still getting later and i havent gone to bed yet...


- Cueball

 

[MyPussyServedPink]

RE: One word ............

Hello Cuediin,

The one word that comes to mind is -- hormones!!! They do crazy things like make you feel depressed, feel ugly and keep you feeling overwhelmed. You're a good guy but I think it is time to talk to your family doctor and see if a medical check up gives you some new insight. I had the 'baby blues' really badly and didn't even know it until my hubby pointed it out to me. My doctor gave me a drug that cleared up my blues and I finally started getting back to normal.

You're not alone on feeling kind of left out when a baby comes. My hubby also felt a bit left out because our baby got a lot of the attention he used to get. One night he sat me down and told me how much he missed me and asked if i could just hug him for awhile. Ding - ding - ding! The message got through my clutter brain and I called my sister and we went off for the night to a different town.

I hope this helps or at least gives you something to think about. It will work out but don't try and do all of it on your own. Professional help may be needed. Any dads out there that can give this fellow some insights????

Good luck,
Pussy

 

[Guest]

We've been there.

First, your wife should be completely checked out by a competent doctor, and if she still has discomfort where the stitches were, that should be fixed (what idiot stitched her up in the first place?? The poor thing - that hurts tremendously).

You must also talk to the doctor about possible depression symptoms. That needs to be looked at very carefully.

Hormonally, women are a mess during and after pregnancy. There is also a major shift when you stop breastfeeding.

Another factor you cannot overlook is the absolute exhaustion a new mother faces. There is the baby to look after (and if you're breastfeeding, no one else in the house can help you with those 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. feedings - hell, ALL the feedings - every 3 hours or so round the clock - that takes a lot out of a person!) you feel strange because you aren't comfortable in your body, you worry about getting back to your job, you worry about the baby, you worry about money, etc.

Sexually - the husband needs patience. I was nervous and even slightly afraid because I knew how sore my body still was. I felt guilty about my husband because we weren't having sex, yet I was angry at him for wanting sex when I was so sore and tired (didn't he understand?). Is it logical? Perhaps not - but perfectly normal given the wacked-out hormonal state new moms face.

(and your first sexual attempt after baby hurt her tremendously, it sounds like - no wonder she is still apprehensive)

I wonder what her sexual experience was before you two got married. If she didn't have a great deal, her sex life has consisted of a few months of learning about sex, and then childbirth, and then painful intercourse - hmmm. No wonder she isn't that anxious to jump your bones! That's why she doesn't want to hug you, don't you realize? She is afraid that a simple hug, caress, or kiss she gives you will be misinterpreted by you as an invitation for sex. She just isn't ready.

When your wife starts to feel better, you must realize that there will never be a "normal". That's gone, baby! Things in your house will NEVER be the same way they were before. Sex cannot be quite as spontaneous - you have to plan to have sex during a nap or a sleep cycle or whatever. That will get better in time, but our kids are ages 4 and 8 and we still struggle sometimes to schedule great sex.

Something you need to do for her if possible is to let someone babysit overnight and the two leave town. (Not to have sex - tell her that up front) Just to go away. Have someone else cook and clean for you - lay around - do nothing but sleep and eat and talk and relax. She needs that, and you probably do too.

We feel for you - we've been there! But it isn't the end of your marriage - start with a good doctor - someone you aren't embarrassed to be honest with - and let them direct you.

Good luck!

 

[SlickTony]

Everybody else has given you excellent advice, especially the part about seeing the doctor. Something's wrong if she's still hurting and unsatisfied after 8 months.

Saraha's advice about getting away from it all is also very good. She can express milk ahead of time and freeze it in one-serving lots for the baby, and if her breasts get backed up with milk she can express some of the excess out, to keep up her flow for when she gets back and to avoid mastitis. You might offer to lighten her up. A man suckling feels so radically different from a baby doing it. I remember one time my husband and I ran down to New Orleans; I was still BFing my son, but he did not come with us. We were eating oysters in the Desire St. oyster bar, and it rained, and we ran back to our hotel room in the rain and jumped into a hot shower. I asked him to relieve some of the pressure, and he did. I felt such a rush of desire I wanted to do him right there in the shower. I'm not saying this will happen, but you never know. I really ought to put this in some story.

 

[BirdsWife]

Sexually - the husband needs patience. I was nervous and even slightly afraid because I knew how sore my body still was. I felt guilty about my husband because we weren't having sex, yet I was angry at him for wanting sex when I was so sore and tired (didn't he understand?). Is it logical? Perhaps not - but perfectly normal given the wacked-out hormonal state new moms face.
.
.
.
Something you need to do for her if possible is to let someone babysit overnight and the two leave town. (Not to have sex - tell her that up front) Just to go away.

Good luck!

This is so true.

Due to work and other health problems it was almost a year before we got back into the groove. Hubby arranged for us to have some alone time with no pressure from him for sex, and once that stress was off of my mind I was able to relax enough that I actually wanted it.

 

[MR.GGG]

Just a couple of pointsif I may...

# one - you've got to let the hormones settle. There are hormones right after birth and others during breast feeding so they have to"normalize " before any change for the better will happen. Those hormones can play hell with her self-esteem, she may be much more depreesed than she's let you know...all kinds of things can be happeneing in her mind. Try talking to her.

Did dhe have an epeaseotomy (sp?). That alone can take months to heal and that's IF they didn't snip too deep and cut a nerve. That will take months more.

# deux - and this comment really bugged me... in a loving family there isn't just so much love available and then when you have kids or pets it's the same aount of love DIVIDED by the new arrivals. That sound slike the assumption of a very jealous person. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The more members of a loving afmily the MORE love there is to go around. PLeeease don't confuse the amount of TIME she spends looking after your son as a tranferrance of affection FROM you TO the baby. It doesn't work like that. I'm a dog lover and it took the wife years to realize that the love I had for my dog was not love being taken away from her. I know it is a common MISconception but think about it. Talk to her and of course the other t hing is pure exhaustion. If she's too tired to even feel sexy because of looking after the baby she will not be too interested so help out as much as your work will permit and take a load of her work load and she'll have the energy at least to feel sexy again.

Stimulating her Gspot may, at the right time, be an excellent "therapy" for her. She doesn't have to do what might still be painful intercourse but if you can get her to orgasm orally AND then wortk on the G-gasms then the result will be a dramatic increase in the hormone levels associated with sexual desire. There are a number of posts about that in the TRY THIS AND REPORT BACK thread so try that if you can and you may see a big improvement.

 

[cuediin]

update..was too tired last night...

Thanks alot for the advise....
I will be taking most of it on board...
A few things to clear up...
We had sex 5 weeks after she gave birth. She just had gas and air.
My son was on the breast uyntil x months, then we started introducing proper food (i home cook it).
Then about 3 or 4 weeks ago...we weened him off the breast completely. He has 2 bottles a night (I do usually). She usually gets up with him in the morning since I have to work...
We did go to a doctor she has not had anti depressants but she was depressed and they gave her a home talker... Someone who comes around once a week to chat afor a few hours. I also encourage her (to my detriment) to visit family ALL weekdays.
They are there to help her and someone she cna chat to. Unforunately my job means I could be here 1 minute, somewhere compleltly different the next.
After the painful sex incident...we havent tried sex since.
As I mentioned the only sexual contact since then was when I gave her oral. Which she enjoyed immensely. So I hoping to follow on with that....
No sexual intercourse..just nurturing....
We got married in our 8th year of courting.
I am 29 and she is 27.

I understand about the patience thing...I am naturally an understanding person...
I have only discussed things with her twice. Once after 6 months
And once again a few weeks ago.

Thanks again for the advise.
BTW Our sex lives before she was pregnant would be about once afortnight....but it was better about 4 years ago since...
She was traumatised by a room mate, while I was working away...
(mental not physical)

I dont think she is depressed any more, just exhausted. I am trying to take on more, and also encourage her to keep going away. No matter how much I can take on, I need to work....
We dont use and dont plan on using childminders for her to work again. Sometimes work can be a good thing, but we both discussed this before and a few weeks back, and she still wants to look after our son.

Well....
Thanks again for your advise
*hugs*

 

[RoughPlay]

Sounds like you are already doing many things right but maybe there
are a few more things you could try.

If your wife fears hugs may lead to unwanted sex it might help to tell
her there's not going to be any sex until she's ready for it. Hugs,
kisses, cuddles are because you love her and enjoy showing your
affection for her this way. I think you should give her plenty of this
and then some.

Its good for her to visit her family but you need to spend quality time
alone with each other too.

So you've been together a long time. How much romance do you still give
her. Do you buy her flowers, cook her meals, eat by candle light, sit in
front of the fire, take her to restaurants, talk and talk, laugh and joke,
help her with her coat, compliment her hair face and clothes, give her
massages. If not then you should.

I think you should ask her for attention and affection but not sex.

After making it clear there will be no more vaginal sex until she's ready
it might be worth offering her more oral sex. Is there anything you would
like her to do to you like oral or with her hand ? She might feel guilty
if she doesn't give you something in return.

If nothing else works you might need to address her being traumatised
4 years ago by a room mate. Maybe its not a problem or there again
maybe it is.