death

[Stormystarr]

How do some of you deal with death. A good friend of mine just lost her 2 1/2 year old little boy yesterday. I just got home from the funeral and I know this is going to take some time to get over. But is there anything I can do or say, or not say to make the pain just a little easier? I hate that this happened, and if I could, I would gladly give my life to let him live again. But I know I can't, so if anyone has any ideas, I really would appreciate them...thanks

 

[Jester]

I'm sorry to hear about that, it's really tragic.
Unfortunately, I don't know of anything that you could say or do that would make a whole lot of difference at this point. From my own experience, it's something that you have to deal with on your own for a while before others can make much difference. I think that the best thing that you can do for her is to let her know that you are there for her and just be there. It's hard for everyone it touches. It may sound trite, but try to focus on the best things about his life and regrets or what-if's. And don't fight off the feelings, it sucks, but you need to feel them if you hope to get through them.
My condolences and sympathies.

 

[Siren]

Just be there for her....

 

[GuyJD]

I WILL FOREVER FEEL THE PAIN

STORMYSTARR, I lost my father back in March, 1987. To this day, I have never gotten over his death. He was more than my father, he was also my best friend. We would watch TV together and often talked about anything. He began having me work at his mechanic shop when I was 12 and I had been until I was 22. To me, he was a strong man and mentor. But what made his death more painful for me was that I saw him the day before he died. There he was lying in a hospital bed in the weakest state that I have ever seen him. I was so sad watching him that way that I would constantly walk out of his room so that he wouldn't see me cry. For as long as I live, I will always remember the last thing that I told him before leaving. I told him that I would take care of my Mom and little sister and he nodded his head. Throughout my entire visit with him, that was the only respond that I had gotten from him. The following day, I was at work when I saw my Mom and oldest brother coming to the front door. I knew what they had come for before my Mom could tell me.
To this day, I often have dreams that he would appear in. Needless to say, I would wake up in tears.
YOU AND YOUR FRIEND HAVE MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY, SS. JUST LIKE SIREN SAYS, BE THERE FOR HER. IT IS THE GREATEST GIFT THAT YOU CAN GIVE HER.

[Edited by GuyJD on 10-10-2000 at 11:57 PM]

 

[Nicole]

I couldn't even imagine losing my son, I feel her pain and I feel your pain as her friend.

I don't know what to suggest, just be the good friend that you are and be there for her, listen to her and hold her when she cries. I know this may seem odd but spending time talking at the grave site (if there is one) was what made the loss of a friends husband easier on her. People deal with death the same way they deal with life, in many varied stages and all you can really do is ride the wave with her and be there.

Please know that my thoughts are with both your friend and yourself in this very sad time.

Makes you wonder what all this Bullshit in the world is about when such a tiny life is removed from it doesn't it?

Good luck and Take Care

 

[Carl East]

Death has got to be one of the hardest things to come to terms with, no matter who has passed on. All you can do is be there for her, comfort her, and help in anyway you can. As Siren said, the weeks ahead are going to be the hardest, and she needs to know true friends are there for her.

I truly wish I could tell you all the right things, on how to get over this loss, but only time can heal the pain she must be feeling.

I wish you well, in the coming weeks.

Carl.

 

[Softly]

Your contribution

Don't keep speaking about her loss. Be instead, the beacon of friendship. "Hi Jane, I'm going to the mall, I would love for you to join me, etc." It may be a couple of weeks before she will, but she will not recover from this until her son is not in her mind every minute. And recover, she must.

Hopefully, she has religion and the belief that what happened is God's will to fall back on. If she does, then she may find comfort in the belief that her son is with God.

You are the living, the path of moving on with her life.

 

[forgetunome]

You have my deepest sympathy

The one main thing you can do is to be there for her. Let her talk when she wants to talk and just listen. And there isn't a time frame for grief to last it will always be there time does help you deal with it but, the grief never goes away. So just be there when she needs it.

I know before my father died on October 26, 1997 yes the 3rd anniversary is coming up. There are times I still will cry just like it happened yesterday. I miss my father SO MUCH! There are songs that I hear that were songs that my father liked and when I hear them and if I am in the car I will be bawling like a baby, feeling a little foolish because I know people are looking at me in other cars but, I can't stop the tears. Then other times those songs comfort me. Emotions are up and down. Before my father died I would sympathize with people and say I understood and at the time I thought I did but, when I experienced the FULL devastation of the loss I then KNEW what it felt like. I had a sister-in-law that always seemed to be there when I needed her, Even if all it was was to sit and listen or just say "there there" and put her arm around me. I have a sweet husband who holds me when I have hard times with it, he lost his father 5 years ago so we comfort each other.

So, in saying all of that "just be there" she will need someone with a strong shoulder. She won't always need answers just support. Like Siren said be there when the memory fades from others and they forget or move on to other things.

The one thing I have learned about grief is there isn't a right way or wrong way to grieve. Everyone deals with grief differently so the best thing you can do for her is to give her the freedom to grieve however she wants nothing to feel ashamed of. Let her know by your being there she doesn't have to keep up a strong front with you.

I have had people tell me 6 months after that "I just need to buck up and get over it" So be there for her. My heart goes out to her! You sound caring and she will need that!

[Edited by forgetunome on 10-11-2000 at 06:36 AM]

 

[CW]

What everyone has said,,,

Just be her friend,,,

Just be there, still treat her as a friend and do what friends are accustomed to doing,,,talking and listening,,, try not to become impatient if she rambles on and on about it.

DON'T side step the issue,,, acknowledge her pain and the life that was cut short,,,

Don't try to offer answers, there just aren't any that will make sense to her. Don't act uncomfortable around her,,, let her know that you feel a sense of loss also,,,

Just be her friend,,,

It's okay to broach the subject of her son, that way if she if feeling all bottled up, then you have offered an outlet for her, and if she's okay and not bottling up her emotions then she will be thankful that you remember him also.

And lastly,do what came naturally,,,

Just be her friend.

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

All I can say is that....

Death really sucks. Responding to death sucks. Knowing you will die sucks. The questions we all have about after-life really sucks. Dealing with death in anyway sucks.

What could anyone say to make death any less sucky?

The only thing anyone can do is hope, provide hope that death is actually better than life as we know it. So that's what I do.

 

[Jade]

Stormy,

I am sure you didn't mean it the way that it was typed but she will never "get over" losing her child.

As long as you understand that....

Anyhow, the Compassiote Friends Network is a great resource: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/


Also, there are a lot of horrible things that people say to bereaved parents ... none of it helps.

All you can really say is: "I realize this is a difficult time for you. I cannot BEGIN to understand your grief (often, people try to say "I lost my grandparent or I lost my dog.. etc. .. and it is NOT the same) but if there is ANYTHING at all I can do, please do not hesitate to ask. If you need to talk about it, I am your friend and I am here.

Let her talk about the memories she has... don't brush them aside. Be a good friend and let her grieve for as long as it takes.
Cook her some homemade meals or bring her some food b/c she probably won't be eating much on her own.

HTH!
You are a good friend to care so much stormy. Good Luck.

 

[insideShiraz]

I've been purposely avoiding this Thread...

I tell all of my Loved Ones...Look around you, Always...I can't always be there for You...

 

[wolfie69]

Starr

There is never, anything you can say or o to make it go away. Jade is right.

Just being a friend, listen, let the tears flow, be there when you can for a hug or just to be present. Sometimes just sitting there and not saying anything is the hardest thing. Many times it is all that is needed so the person does not feel alone.

The pain of losing a child or parent never goes away but will diminsh a little as time passes.

 

[teresafannin]

Hello stormystarr, I am so sorry for your friend's loss. As many of the people here know, my 17 year old son was murdered a year ago. He was my only child & the light of my life. I have to tell you that the coming months will be hard, but they will not be the worst. In the weeks following my son's death, there was so much to do that I didn't have time to grieve. In our case there was a lot of publicity, tons of mail & assorted victim's funds, memorials,etc. A lot of people thought I was weird, but I made all the phone calls, all the arrangements & wrote all 300 of the thank-yous & acknowledgements. It was as if that were the last thing I could do for my son. There were so many people around me, I would sneak out to take a drive, just to have some time to think. I don't know the circumstances of the little boy's death, but there are many great support groups out there. She will need all you help & love for a long time. This is something that you never get over, you learn to go on, as difficult as it is. Everyone grieves in a different way, there is no right or wrong way to go through this. Please let her know you are there for her & be there. So many people said they would be here for me, it is a year later & I haven't heard from some of them at all. I have had people tell me to get on with my life, how does a mother do that? My son was my life & I will never totally accept that he is gone. One thing that no one who is grieving wants to hear is "I know how you feel." People mean well, but unless they have buried their only child, a 17 year old boy, they don't know how I feel & I hope they never do. Feel free to email me if there is anything that I can do. It is okay if you don't know what to say, just give her the support she needs, but if she needs some space, give her that as well. I check the board several times a day & also the email. Contact me any time if I can be of help. Sending lots of hugs & good wishes her way. Thank you for being such a good friend to her.

 

[coaster]

my sympathy

My heart grieves with you. As others have said "be her friend"...be there in silence and share her tears.

 

[Earthmuffin]

My heart felt sympathy...

Stormy,

When I lost my infant son I thought my world had ended. In the last nearly ten years the grief has hit me at the strangest times...like the first day of school the year he should have gone to Kindergarten. "Friends" don't always know how to deal with someone who goes to pieces without meaning to over a stupid commercial or song on the radio. Be there like everyone has said and SMACK the people who tell her it's been "long enough, get on with your life". We are not meant to outlive our children or we'd age in reverse. She'll have her good days and bad. You being there will mean the world to her.

 

[teresafannin]

Earthmuffin, I am sorry you experienced such a loss. One thing that struck me as interesting during this past year is that there is no word for someone like me. If you lose your parents, you are an orphan. If you lose your husband/wife, you are a widow/widower. What do you call someone who loses a child? My son was an only child, am I still a mother? I feel that I am, but what do I say when someone asks if I have children? It is a terrible thing for a parent to bury a child. I never dreamed this would happen to us. There will always be things that trigger memories. the first song that my son learned in marching band was "Classical Gas", everytime I hear it, I remember this skinny 14 year old kid with 2 left feet trying to learn how to play & march at the same time & I cry. Tears are healthy & necessary. Unfortunately, most people don't know how to handle them. Take care, Teresa

 

[Jeff726]

I miss my dad so much. I know how it feels. *breaks down*

 

[Shane]

Having somewhat recently lost a loved one, I can recall what she is going through...

The best thing you can do is help her out in any way you can. she shouldn't have to deal with making funeral arrangements, it's more upsetting than it is worth...

also....unless she comes to talk to you about it...don't bring it up. when she is ready to, she'll talk. for 3 days, i walked around fine, i didn't even think it had hit me yet...and then i just collapsed and spent about a week just...in deep depression. and you don't want to be bothered at that particular time..

i'm being rather long winded.

but that's my advice.