Dear X

[Tallulah82]

Dear self,

It's not you, it's them. Not always, don't be getting cocky and shit. But on this occasion (and that one that just keeps niggling), it was nothing you did.

People be weird and no matter how gentle you are with them, they sometimes need a frying pan in the face.

Shine on, you crazy wanker.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Dear self,

It's not you, it's them. Not always, don't be getting cocky and shit. But on this occasion (and that one that just keeps niggling), it was nothing you did.

People be weird and no matter how gentle you are with them, they sometimes need a frying pan in the face.

Shine on, you crazy wanker.

My mental image...

 

[JustAnotherFlower]

Dear Poet/Tyler Knott Gregson,

There is such a disconnect in the beauty of your words, their depth of emotion, and the monotone.. disinterested way in which you read them aloud. Your voice is pleasant enough, but where is the nuance of emotions?! It's a touch maddening.. but I started this and shall finish listening to this book before moving on.

Dissatisfied Listener/Reader

 

[candytitties000]

dear mullet man,
i think about you all the time...i regret not taking the chance when we had one and i hope that maybe we cross paths and can still have at least one night together...

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

Dear jerk landlord,
If you give us a bad reference I hope you get your own special corner in hell.
Signed,
You can shove the leaves up your ass.

 

[JustAnotherFlower]

Dearest pillow,

You cradle me in your embrace each night, calling forth fairies to dance within my curls.

But never do I give you the credit you deserve... for never do I say, "thank you," while gently rubbing my cheek against your 100% cotton casing. It's always another's name being moaned into your embrace, depending upon your softness to quiet the cries.

Thank you...and don't get jealous. I still sleep with you every night.

Me.

 

[NeonSubtlety]

Dear chipotle,

For 10 years, I’ve had to listen to my mother mispronounce your name. I wish I could say that it was a singular misunderstanding. The most common version, of course, is pronouncing it chip-ol-tay. That napoleon dynamite shit would be fine.

But there were a few months of chip-ot-al.

and I still think she’d be going full glottal-stop on the first syllable if her Korean-war-era mouth muscles hadn’t felt overtaxed with trying to roll every consonant in the word.

This is just my humble request to rename your establishment the burrito barn…to save my mother the embarrassment of trying to pronounce your shit once a month.

 

[JustAnotherFlower]

Dear Mother Nature,

Please... please... go back on your meds.

- Everyone in the Ohio River Valley

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

Dear body,
Why are you awake when you could be sleeping? Idiot.
Sleep in moron!

 

[Tallulah82]

Dear Australia,

I'm putting this request in now so you have some time to get yourself sorted. Firstly, I'd appreciate that from when I land, you keep your spiders and shit under tight control with minimum shock value to me. Secondly, I know I'm coming in winter but still, you're probably hotter than what I'm used to. I don't want to look like a sweaty betty every day, so just keep the temperatures reasonable. And lastly, I'll not be alone so all your hot Aussie dudes need to take a chill pill that I'm in the vicinity. Okay? Okay.

Sincerely,

Excited to wet my pants.

 

[Esslemont]

Dear Mosquitoes,



Fuck off.

 

[Tallulah82]

Dear Lovehoney,

I think my favourite toy is about to strike on me. Please prepare some bargains on various clit suckers, flickers, and energetic phalluses that whir, and thrust, and hummmmmm so that I may boost my collection by one or five.

Signed,

Selling noods to pay for it.

 

[AllAmericanMale]

"...bargains on various clit suckers, flickers, and energetic phalluses that whir, and thrust, and hummmmmm"

Sounds like a successful commercial.

 

[AmberLGreen]

Dear first born child

Four years have passed and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I know you will be living your best afterlife. Always in my heart

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

Dear first born child

Four years have passed and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I know you will be living your best afterlife. Always in my heart

Big squeezy hugs for you, sweet friend.

 

[Cat]

Dear first born child

Four years have passed and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I know you will be living your best afterlife. Always in my heart

 

[Saltfountain]

Dear first born child

Four years have passed and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I know you will be living your best afterlife. Always in my heart

I can't even imagine.

I don't want to either.

 

[Tallulah82]

Dear mechanics,

Get your sleep tonight. Be in a good mood tomorrow morning so you're patient to actually address the problem, unlike last week's wankers who fobbed me off.

I need my car. Giving it to you for an entire day tomorrow is causing huge logistical problems. Please give me the twat of a car back to me in fully functioning order.

Sincerely,

Breathing deeply.

 

[PotNoodle79]

Dear Monday,

How about you try not to be a dick? Just once. Give it a go?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Mrtenant]

Dear Joan,

I wish I had gotten to know you more after high school. Seems like its too late now. From what I can gather, you did it all. Made a career, tight with family, got married, had a kid, loved and admired by all who knew you. I'm really proud of you.

I can still see your picture in the yearbook. I remember asking you to prom, though you already had a date. You were so gracious and kind about it. You were the only person who would really talk with me. Everyone else was afraid. I'll never forget that.

Rest in peace my friend.

MrT

 

[Chillygirl]

Dear federal government,

I don’t really care if you’re shutdown cause I need the break BUT I also need my back pay so please don’t completely fuck me over k? Thanks!

Sincerely,
Burnt out and already on the roof picking a landing spot

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

Burnt out and already on the roof picking a landing spot

Don't make me drive to Alaska to catch you damn it!
Stay up on the roof, I will bring the rifles

 

[Chillygirl]

Don't make me drive to Alaska to catch you damn it!
Stay up on the roof, I will bring the rifles

Promise I won’t jump! It’s only 4 stories and there’s no snow on the ground yet. I want to be dramatic not mangled

 

[Xerxes82]

Dear federal government,

I don’t really care if you’re shutdown cause I need the break BUT I also need my back pay so please don’t completely fuck me over k? Thanks!

Sincerely,
Burnt out and already on the roof picking a landing spot

Dear Federal Gov't

Kindly save fucking Chilly for the Lit dudes. K? Thnks!

 

[sister jenny]

Dear Nobel Peace Prize Committee

Just don’t.

Ok?