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Dear X:

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((This is catharsis for me... no replies or responses, please))

Dear Ex,

I keep typing things and then backspacing over things I want to say. Mostly because I dont want people to know. I dont want people thinking I'm saying it for attention.

I want you to leave me alone. The only time you raised a hand to me was to slap my hand away from you if I touched you first in bed. But yet that was enough. Because of that, I cant seem to initiate intimacy. In my head, I know that neither Malin nor Master would turn me away... there is no fear of rebuke... but yet I still cannot start anything. I would love to be the little seductress, the little temptress who can walk up to their man and touch them and tease them... but I cant. Five years of being married to you and now, I just cant.

If you'd stopped that night I said no, I might still be married to you... miserably and unfulfilled... but married to you. So I guess, I have to thank you for not listening to me, for turning me over and shoving yourself inside me even while I was screaming that it hurt. But now that I want that, I cant even enjoy it... because of the tension I feel whenever someone touches my ass.

Despite what you did, I'm getting better with that part. With that part.

I want you to leave me alone. Yes, I cheated on you. Because I was too stupid to say to you, "I'm leaving". I was wrong to do that to you. But now it's time to leave me alone. You dont even know where I live. You dont know my last name. And I want it to always be that way. But I dont know how to free myself of the damage done.

Leave me alone and let me be happy. Let me stop thinking that karma for what I did to you is right around the corner. Let me stop watching for signs that they're leaving me and enjoy the love I have in my hands before I push it away the way you pushed me away.

me
 
EmpressFi said:
((This is catharsis for me... no replies or responses, please))

Dear Ex,

I keep typing things and then backspacing over things I want to say. Mostly because I dont want people to know. I dont want people thinking I'm saying it for attention.

I want you to leave me alone. The only time you raised a hand to me was to slap my hand away from you if I touched you first in bed. But yet that was enough. Because of that, I cant seem to initiate intimacy. In my head, I know that neither Malin nor Master would turn me away... there is no fear of rebuke... but yet I still cannot start anything. I would love to be the little seductress, the little temptress who can walk up to their man and touch them and tease them... but I cant. Five years of being married to you and now, I just cant.

If you'd stopped that night I said no, I might still be married to you... miserably and unfulfilled... but married to you. So I guess, I have to thank you for not listening to me, for turning me over and shoving yourself inside me even while I was screaming that it hurt. But now that I want that, I cant even enjoy it... because of the tension I feel whenever someone touches my ass.

Despite what you did, I'm getting better with that part. With that part.

I want you to leave me alone. Yes, I cheated on you. Because I was too stupid to say to you, "I'm leaving". I was wrong to do that to you. But now it's time to leave me alone. You dont even know where I live. You dont know my last name. And I want it to always be that way. But I dont know how to free myself of the damage done.

Leave me alone and let me be happy. Let me stop thinking that karma for what I did to you is right around the corner. Let me stop watching for signs that they're leaving me and enjoy the love I have in my hands before I push it away the way you pushed me away.

me
Click to expand...

Fi, if he did that much to you, don't worry about the cheating. Seriously. You have nothing to feel badly about.
 
Dear Fi,

I have the exact same issue. Though my ex used to turn me away time and time again. It's hella hard to Top when you don't want to initiate contact. :( Just wanted to say I know how you feel. *Hugs*

~Bunny
 
The main reason I can't initiate sex is my sub nature....it's fine if Sir gets in first and I really do enjoy it once it gets started, but try and get me to start things and there's a big mental block :rolleyes: It also didn't help that I didn't ever want to have sex with my ex husband, so I haven't really learned to do that...gee I feel really inadequate sometimes! :eek: :(

He has suggested that if I want something, that I go and kneel beside Him and He'll get the message. I'm going to try that once my period is over - lol I doubt that He will turn me down ;) :D
 
i do all sorts of things to initiate sex without actually having to go into a big scene.... i just walk up and take his hand and put it on my titty, or bend over right in front of him where he can't possibly miss my ass in his face, or i wear something super sexy that gets his juices flowing when i'm doing chores, or rub up against his crotch when i walk by him....
 
the_pet said:
i do all sorts of things to initiate sex without actually having to go into a big scene.... i just walk up and take his hand and put it on my titty, or bend over right in front of him where he can't possibly miss my ass in his face, or i wear something super sexy that gets his juices flowing when i'm doing chores, or rub up against his crotch when i walk by him....
Click to expand...

Most men would kill for a woman like that..
 
Bandit58 said:
The main reason I can't initiate sex is my sub nature....it's fine if Sir gets in first and I really do enjoy it once it gets started, but try and get me to start things and there's a big mental block :rolleyes: It also didn't help that I didn't ever want to have sex with my ex husband, so I haven't really learned to do that...gee I feel really inadequate sometimes! :eek: :(

He has suggested that if I want something, that I go and kneel beside Him and He'll get the message. I'm going to try that once my period is over - lol I doubt that He will turn me down ;) :D
Click to expand...



the_pet said:
i do all sorts of things to initiate sex without actually having to go into a big scene.... i just walk up and take his hand and put it on my titty, or bend over right in front of him where he can't possibly miss my ass in his face, or i wear something super sexy that gets his juices flowing when i'm doing chores, or rub up against his crotch when i walk by him....
Click to expand...

I dont not initiate because of my submissive nature. Both Malin and Master have talked to me about how it turns them on to have me initiate.. I just cant... not because I'm submissive..but because of the fear and panic that floods through me at the thought. It's so frustrating to want to reach out touch someone and your heart tell you to do it and your mind makes you stop.. and you cant breathe and then you berate yourself for not trying as they either get out of bed or fall asleep thinking you dont want it.

And I wouldnt just put Malin's hand on my breast because I really dont like it when the genitals are the first place they go to. I know my mind is messed up but still if it's kiss kiss grope.. in my head that translates to "hurry up and get wet so we can fuckin get this overwith". Even though I know that's not what they're thinking. Not saying I dont like my breasts touched..but I wouldnt have him do it right away or as a signal that I was horny.
 
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Breaker_Morant said:
Most men would kill for a woman like that..
Click to expand...

And some men are completely oblivious to those advances.

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

I deliberately forced myself out of my submissive ways in order to start initiating with my husband. And he would normally do one of two things - Say no outright or ignore/not notice it. :( I eventually just ended up telling him whenever I was horny and wanted to masturbate, so he had the choice to join me or not. I don't even bother with that anymore.
 
_kiana_ said:
And some men are completely oblivious to those advances.

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

I deliberately forced myself out of my submissive ways in order to start initiating with my husband. And he would normally do one of two things - Say no outright or ignore/not notice it. :( I eventually just ended up telling him whenever I was horny and wanted to masturbate, so he had the choice to join me or not. I don't even bother with that anymore.
Click to expand...

Some men don't know a good thing when they see it.
 
EmpressFi said:
I dont not initiate because of my submissive nature. Both Malin and Master have talked to me about how it turns them on to have me initiate.. I just cant... not because I'm submissive..but because of the fear and panic that floods through me at the thought. It's so frustrating to want to reach out touch someone and your heart tell you to do it and your mind makes you stop.. and you cant breathe and then you berate yourself for not trying as they either get out of bed or fall asleep thinking you dont want it.

And I wouldnt just put Malin's hand on my breast because I really dont like it when the genitals are the first place they go to. I know my mind is messed up but still if it's kiss kiss grope.. in my head that translates to "hurry up and get wet so we can fuckin get this overwith". Even though I know that's not what they're thinking. Not saying I dont like my breasts touched..but I wouldnt have him do it right away or as a signal that I was horny.
Click to expand...

It makes me sad that you've had your sense of self damaged in that way, Fi. Do you see a therapist at all? I know I always bang that drum around here, but if there are deep-seated self loathing issues, it is helpful to work through those with a good therapist (not all are good, of course). I know also a lot of people who lose weight must deal with the emotional/mental shift in addition to the shift in your physical self, you know?
 
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