professorquixote
Literotica Guru
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Dear X,
I guess it wasn't the big, hairy beaver you were looking for.
Lurve,
The Ceej.
I guess it wasn't the big, hairy beaver you were looking for.
Lurve,
The Ceej.
Dear X:
- Thread starter kiten69
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Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
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I know your Dad is very proud of you, and wishing he could take you to that dinner. And since I know what those grades were
I have to say I'm very proud of you, too, and think all the other folks here should be, too. 
DeservingBitch
Mostly gone
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Dear whoever,
A wonderful evening and night, followed by three long days of emptiness, sadness, nothingness. I can feel so great, only to be followed by nothing but a desire to sleep sleep sleep. I tell myself it's the normal period of adjusting to the meds, a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I don't believe myself. This recurring thought that the depression is a convenient lie, a lie that I tell myself to forget that I'm failing myself, a cover for the world. I want to scream and have someone hear me. Someone that would hear beyond what I say, that would tell me to cut the crap, to stop pretending, stop performing, stop reassuring. Why am I the one reassuring you that I'll be fine? No I don't want to kill myself. Stop asking me. But why don't you ask me if I care enough to eat, to get out of bed, to pay my bills, to carry on? Why do you all believe me when I say that I'm OK? I want to scream but I don't know how. I don't know how to say that I hurt without apologizing for it. I don't even know why I hurt. Who am I to be hurting so much? What is it about my life that is so difficult? Oh poor privileged kid who had her heart broken and is having a tough time with money and grad school. Poor thing. Well yes life's a bitch. Why can't I deal with it like everybody else? I would want to be able to scream. Of course none of you saw that something was wrong. I'm good at hiding that I'm failing myself. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see what I'm doing? Why is nobody hearing that I'm not screaming? Are you all fucking deaf? Why are you all so ready to believe my fake smile? I'm not that good at lying. I can't even convince myself. So why don't you fucking hear me?
I'm tired. Tired of crying, faking, smiling, sleeping, reassuring, hurting. I want to sleep. Just sleep.
A wonderful evening and night, followed by three long days of emptiness, sadness, nothingness. I can feel so great, only to be followed by nothing but a desire to sleep sleep sleep. I tell myself it's the normal period of adjusting to the meds, a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I don't believe myself. This recurring thought that the depression is a convenient lie, a lie that I tell myself to forget that I'm failing myself, a cover for the world. I want to scream and have someone hear me. Someone that would hear beyond what I say, that would tell me to cut the crap, to stop pretending, stop performing, stop reassuring. Why am I the one reassuring you that I'll be fine? No I don't want to kill myself. Stop asking me. But why don't you ask me if I care enough to eat, to get out of bed, to pay my bills, to carry on? Why do you all believe me when I say that I'm OK? I want to scream but I don't know how. I don't know how to say that I hurt without apologizing for it. I don't even know why I hurt. Who am I to be hurting so much? What is it about my life that is so difficult? Oh poor privileged kid who had her heart broken and is having a tough time with money and grad school. Poor thing. Well yes life's a bitch. Why can't I deal with it like everybody else? I would want to be able to scream. Of course none of you saw that something was wrong. I'm good at hiding that I'm failing myself. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see what I'm doing? Why is nobody hearing that I'm not screaming? Are you all fucking deaf? Why are you all so ready to believe my fake smile? I'm not that good at lying. I can't even convince myself. So why don't you fucking hear me?
I'm tired. Tired of crying, faking, smiling, sleeping, reassuring, hurting. I want to sleep. Just sleep.
intothewoods
Truth seeker
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Dear self,
You will be okay. You don't have to prove it. It just will be. Let the rest go. Let that go. It's not you. You know what is good and healthy, and will only let that which qualifies into your life. The rest will fall away.
hugsandkisses,
itw
You will be okay. You don't have to prove it. It just will be. Let the rest go. Let that go. It's not you. You know what is good and healthy, and will only let that which qualifies into your life. The rest will fall away.
hugsandkisses,
itw
intothewoods
Truth seeker
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depression is such a difficult struggle, DB. I feel for you.
malinborn
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 20, 2006
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Dear X
i wonder... when do i say "we need to talk"... you sleep right now. I hear nearby others enjoying their last night... while you sleep, again, without want to touch me and if you did want... well, that seemed to pass without my knowledge
i loved you so deeply it hurt.. i wanted so much for you to not just see that but understand it... even if that was asking a bit too much. i just hoped maybe some day you would feel even remotely as i did... i see now that is not the case
you have moved beyond a need for me aside from someone you can abuse when the whim strikes... you have one more night less then a week from now to make me feel like this post is in vain.. i somehow wrong... and if not i suppose "it's been emotional" will be the thought on my mind
i fear going back into the room where you now sleep for want to turn you over and weep into your arms, weep into Someone's arms... but instead i sit here in this dark room with naught but a determined cat to keep me company and almost a year's worth of pictures as a reminder of what once was and now isn't
i miss you already and you're still here
me
i wonder... when do i say "we need to talk"... you sleep right now. I hear nearby others enjoying their last night... while you sleep, again, without want to touch me and if you did want... well, that seemed to pass without my knowledge
i loved you so deeply it hurt.. i wanted so much for you to not just see that but understand it... even if that was asking a bit too much. i just hoped maybe some day you would feel even remotely as i did... i see now that is not the case
you have moved beyond a need for me aside from someone you can abuse when the whim strikes... you have one more night less then a week from now to make me feel like this post is in vain.. i somehow wrong... and if not i suppose "it's been emotional" will be the thought on my mind
i fear going back into the room where you now sleep for want to turn you over and weep into your arms, weep into Someone's arms... but instead i sit here in this dark room with naught but a determined cat to keep me company and almost a year's worth of pictures as a reminder of what once was and now isn't
i miss you already and you're still here
me
LittleJade
Literotica Guru
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*hugging you tight*
nh23
Daddy's chunky monkey. :)
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catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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Oh, I could have written this far too many times, more than I care to admit to and more than could maintain some pretence at a balance of light and dark. Hope the dark cloud passes on for you soon to let a glimpse of sunshine light your path for as long as it can bless you that little release.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2206/2266231161_d244850e73_t.jpgCatalina
Mazuri
Literotica Guru
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(((hugs))) I understand this so well and am sorry you're having to go through this and hurt like this. It's an awful struggle to pull yourself out of the pit when most of the time you just slide back in. No one seems to notice and that only makes the walls more slippery and you less determined to even try again. Hang in there and repeat to yourself (even if you don't believe it yet) that you ARE worth it, you WILL get better, and you do deserve to get better. It's a long slow journey, but there is light at the end...and no, it's not a train.
Rosie_Riveter
Really Experienced
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Depression doesn't respond to reason, DB, and that's one reason you, a smart as hell academic, have such a hard time with it. No amount of empirical evidence will sway it.
Having been ABD and depressed myself, I know it's a bitch of a combination. The ABD part eventually passes, and that does make the depression a bit easier to cope with.
DeservingBitch
Mostly gone
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Oh, I could have written this far too many times, more than I care to admit to and more than could maintain some pretence at a balance of light and dark. Hope the dark cloud passes on for you soon to let a glimpse of sunshine light your path for as long as it can bless you that little release.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2206/2266231161_d244850e73_t.jpgCatalina
(((hugs))) I understand this so well and am sorry you're having to go through this and hurt like this. It's an awful struggle to pull yourself out of the pit when most of the time you just slide back in. No one seems to notice and that only makes the walls more slippery and you less determined to even try again. Hang in there and repeat to yourself (even if you don't believe it yet) that you ARE worth it, you WILL get better, and you do deserve to get better. It's a long slow journey, but there is light at the end...and no, it's not a train.
Thank you all for the support and nice words. The world seem less unfriendly this morning than it did yesterday.Depression doesn't respond to reason, DB, and that's one reason you, a smart as hell academic, have such a hard time with it. No amount of empirical evidence will sway it.
Having been ABD and depressed myself, I know it's a bitch of a combination. The ABD part eventually passes, and that does make the depression a bit easier to cope with.
You're so right Rosie that depression doesn't respond to reason. I know what depression is, how it works, what it does to you, where it's coming from, etc. I know that feeling like I was feeling yesterday is all about the depression fucking with me. But all this knowing goes out the window when I feel like shit. Which is exactly when I would need to be able to believe that it's beyond me, and that it will eventually get better.
Rosie_Riveter
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2007
- Posts
- 200
Yep, that's the bitch of it. So, on top of being depressed, we bash ourselves for understanding it so well without conquering it.
After a good 15 years of it (or 15 years of knowing what "it" is), I've come to the conclusion that it never really gets better, it just gets different. And various coping strategies emerge.
And if you can, give up on trying to get those who don't understand to understand. It's even harder than convincing people that academics really do work during the summer.
DeservingBitch
Mostly gone
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Bahahahahahahahaha! That made me laught. Thanks!And if you can, give up on trying to get those who don't understand to understand. It's even harder than convincing people that academics really do work during the summer.
Sprinkles22
Angel with a Crooked Halo
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- Jul 12, 2005
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Dear X:
Something is wrong with you.
Seriously.
Seek help!
~Sprinkles
p.s. Would you like some cheese with your whine?
Something is wrong with you.
Seriously.
Seek help!
~Sprinkles
p.s. Would you like some cheese with your whine?
Dear X's,
In case no one has noticed in the years that I've been there but it's my job to send out emails and talk to staff on my boss's account. If I'm requested to do something I get it done or make a damn good effort to get it done. I can be understanding, I can be helpful and I can be patient with everyone. If you are having a bad day I can even be sympathetic to your feelings.
Going off on me and yelling me for something that my boss wants done and taking it out on me as if I'm the one that is behind the request is a little too far over the line today. Today was not fun for me either. My head is swimming with all of the details of everything that needs to be done, who needs to do it, how it should be done and when it needs to be done by. Take a look around and you might understand.
So, the next time you feel overwhelmed with your job and your responsibilities instead of yelling at the first soul you see, sulking around or stomping around like a pissed off toddler, try actually asking for help. It's not really all that hard.
And to my boss,
You should take responsibilty for your position within the company. You know that people react this way. You should have talked to the staff about what's going to happen. And you should have told them all what needs to be done. It should have fallen on your shoulders, not mine.
~Me
In case no one has noticed in the years that I've been there but it's my job to send out emails and talk to staff on my boss's account. If I'm requested to do something I get it done or make a damn good effort to get it done. I can be understanding, I can be helpful and I can be patient with everyone. If you are having a bad day I can even be sympathetic to your feelings.
Going off on me and yelling me for something that my boss wants done and taking it out on me as if I'm the one that is behind the request is a little too far over the line today. Today was not fun for me either. My head is swimming with all of the details of everything that needs to be done, who needs to do it, how it should be done and when it needs to be done by. Take a look around and you might understand.
So, the next time you feel overwhelmed with your job and your responsibilities instead of yelling at the first soul you see, sulking around or stomping around like a pissed off toddler, try actually asking for help. It's not really all that hard.
And to my boss,
You should take responsibilty for your position within the company. You know that people react this way. You should have talked to the staff about what's going to happen. And you should have told them all what needs to be done. It should have fallen on your shoulders, not mine.
~Me
BiaTcHiNFiRe
lost in my thoughts
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Dear X,
I need your love......... please.
me
I need your love......... please.
me
bholderman
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 6, 2005
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I had a feeling I was starting to sound like a broken record (or is that a scratched cd in today's world?), sorry.
BiaTcHiNFiRe
lost in my thoughts
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Dear Brad,
You are NOT sounding like a broken record!! I understand your feelings so well......
If the father of my two lil girls had a bit of your responsibility and sense for family, life would be much nicer, I would cry less and smile more.
Love "the wrong one" is so hard. You can do anything, you could even die for them, and they still won't care and love you back. Your ex is gone, my ex is here, can't say whats worst tho - miss him or see how less I mean to him. It's just 5 days since our second child was born and he already told me he will leave us again. Like she was nuthing, like me was nuthing.
You know whats funny? I told myself I wont let him hurt me no more, but he did. I been crying most of the days since I am back home from the Hospital. He have hurt me again, I've let him. I suck. Ex's suck as well!!
{{{{{hugs you tight}}}}
@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
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- Oct 31, 2005
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Kate , here is a thought re the crying. Your hormones will be way out of whack now, you have just been through so much. You are clear however on what's important you and you do have the inner strength. It's harder to reclaim when you are exhausted emotionally and physically.
Just perhaps these tears are more symptomatic of a combination of influences than you really permitting your ex to have the sort of power over you he had in the past. Give yourself some time, don't lose these precious moments with your beautiful children crying over a man who clearly ( via your own words ) fails you consistently.
Be kind to yourself, set lower expectations of the ex , find a way to exist happier in spite of him and forgive yourself readily when you don't.
affectionately
~ Rebecca
BiaTcHiNFiRe
lost in my thoughts
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Thank you Rebecca, will do.Kate , here is a thought re the crying. Your hormones will be way out of whack now, you have just been through so much. You are clear however on what's important you and you do have the inner strength. It's harder to reclaim when you are exhausted emotionally and physically.
Just perhaps these tears are more symptomatic of a combination of influences than you really permitting your ex to have the sort of power over you he had in the past. Give yourself some time, don't lose these precious moments with your beautiful children crying over a man who clearly ( via your own words ) fails you consistently.
Be kind to yourself, set lower expectations of the ex , find a way to exist happier in spite of him and forgive yourself readily when you don't.
affectionately
~ Rebecca
I am not in my skin today, off to bed to get some rest and cuddle to my lil girl.
BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
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- Dec 7, 2005
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Thank you Rebecca, will do.
I am not in my skin today, off to bed to get some rest and cuddle to my lil girl.
*Sends BF a shotgun*
For the ex, you fucking perverts!
intothewoods
Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2007
- Posts
- 10,966
Kate , here is a thought re the crying. Your hormones will be way out of whack now, you have just been through so much. You are clear however on what's important you and you do have the inner strength. It's harder to reclaim when you are exhausted emotionally and physically.
Just perhaps these tears are more symptomatic of a combination of influences than you really permitting your ex to have the sort of power over you he had in the past. Give yourself some time, don't lose these precious moments with your beautiful children crying over a man who clearly ( via your own words ) fails you consistently.
Be kind to yourself, set lower expectations of the ex , find a way to exist happier in spite of him and forgive yourself readily when you don't.
affectionately
~ Rebecca
excellent advice, Rebecca.
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