Dear Clowns

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
is it wrong that i can't seem to quit diddling with my clit?
signed,
slippery fingers

 

[BradBigBrain]

dear clowns,
is it wrong that i can't seem to quit diddling with my clit?
signed,
slippery fingers

I got this one, bro.

Um absofuckinglutely not.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
is it wrong that i can't seem to quit diddling with my clit?
signed,
slippery fingers

Dear slip n slide,

Unless your clit behind to look like a chewed pack of Hubba Bubba I think you are just fine

Hope all is well.

 

[IhateClowns]

I got this one, bro.

Um absofuckinglutely not.

Thanks for stepping in.

 

[MortalKombatKitteh]

Dear Clowns,

Some of your polls don't have the answer that fits me. Can you quit that?

Signed

Poll lover

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Some of your polls don't have the answer that fits me. Can you quit that?

Signed

Poll lover

Dear Pole, I mean Poll Lover,

I need to start making these polls in the daytime instead of when I am half asleep. My options are limited with just 10 options. Thanks for that "other" option huh?

Signed,

Still learning how to play with these polls.

 

[MortalKombatKitteh]

Dear Pole, I mean Poll Lover,

I need to start making these polls in the daytime instead of when I am half asleep. My options are limited with just 10 options. Thanks for that "other" option huh?

Signed,

Still learning how to play with these polls.

Sometimes you forget the other option.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Still learning how to play with these polls.

I'll bet there are some women here who would be glad to help you learn to play with your pole....

 

[IhateClowns]

I'll bet there are some women here who would be glad to help you learn to play with your pole....

You think so? Any names?

 

[availableslave2u]

I got this one, bro.

Um absofuckinglutely not.

Dear slip n slide,

Unless your clit behind to look like a chewed pack of Hubba Bubba I think you are just fine

Hope all is well.

dear clowns and clowny helper

what a relief to know that it's not a bad thing to diddle.

today's question is totally different. i now have to use a walker to get around. as you know, the cane came in handy to knock people in the head who wouldn't get out of my way. the walker is way too heavy to swing (it's the kind with a seat on it because i have respiratory problems also and have to sit down sometimes) i was wondering if i should just push the walker into people until they get the fuck out of my way, or should i install an air horn and use that to scare the shit out of them and watch them jump out of the way.

signed,
less mobile but still feisty

 

[BradBigBrain]

dear clowns and clowny helper

what a relief to know that it's not a bad thing to diddle.

today's question is totally different. i now have to use a walker to get around. as you know, the cane came in handy to knock people in the head who wouldn't get out of my way. the walker is way too heavy to swing (it's the kind with a seat on it because i have respiratory problems also and have to sit down sometimes) i was wondering if i should just push the walker into people until they get the fuck out of my way, or should i install an air horn and use that to scare the shit out of them and watch them jump out of the way.

signed,
less mobile but still feisty

I got this one, too, bro.

Why not both? After you knock them out of the way, you can blow the horn, and then yell, "get the fuck out of my way, motherfucker."

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns and clowny helper

what a relief to know that it's not a bad thing to diddle.

today's question is totally different. i now have to use a walker to get around. as you know, the cane came in handy to knock people in the head who wouldn't get out of my way. the walker is way too heavy to swing (it's the kind with a seat on it because i have respiratory problems also and have to sit down sometimes) i was wondering if i should just push the walker into people until they get the fuck out of my way, or should i install an air horn and use that to scare the shit out of them and watch them jump out of the way.

signed,
less mobile but still feisty

Dear Handicapable of kicking everyone's ass,

I have to admit I have never seen anyone in a walker or cane moving so quickly that they had to push people out of your way. Usually it is the other way around and I have to clench my grip from the steering wheel as Maude swerves back at forth at 5mph on a 2 lane road.

I say the fact that you get parking spots 5 feet from entrances while I have to catch a cab to get to the front door. Plus you have the ability to ride in those hove arounds without getting nasty looks like I do.

I say the people that are in your way are just jealous that they don't get to eat dinner at 4pm like you.

Signed,

Jealous

 

[jameslewis]

Dear Clowns:
I've been losing sleep pondering life's great mysteries. Unable to come to any resolution, I've decided to ask the wise master.
As I get older I seem to get more and more hair growing out of my ears and nostrils. I've given up using them for a comb-over, which was my first solution; but I really wonder: is there any good use for all these trimmings?
If you can't help with that one, my next most pressing question is: my dates all tell me my cum tastes like sauerkraut. Why? What can I do about this; even the German girls are complaining.
Signed,
Losing Sleep

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns:
I've been losing sleep pondering life's great mysteries. Unable to come to any resolution, I've decided to ask the wise master.
As I get older I seem to get more and more hair growing out of my ears and nostrils. I've given up using them for a comb-over, which was my first solution; but I really wonder: is there any good use for all these trimmings?
If you can't help with that one, my next most pressing question is: my dates all tell me my cum tastes like sauerkraut. Why? What can I do about this; even the German girls are complaining.
Signed,
Losing Sleep

Dear Wanting to give back,

First off let me say what a wonderful gesture it is to want to donate your ear and nasal hair to a cause. It is such a wonderful thought knowing as you do how sexy a woman thinks a mustache that also doubles as a uni-brow truly is. I am sure you are being inundated with sexual advances from women begging to look deep into those uni-browed eyes as you gasp for breath while doing push ups on top of her. Hell i am getting hard just thinking about it.

I don't know of any causes looking for that type of donation. That isn't to say it isn't needed. Maybe it is a taboo subject and those that desperately need ear and nose hair are ashamed to admit it. Sort of like herpes. Maybe we need to go the route of the Labor Day Telethon. Get some celebrities and a few song and dance numbers together and see what kind of money we can raise to buy plenty of tweezers, trim kits, and Glad bags.

I am unsure who we can get to host this thing but I am sure celebs will be lining up to want to be the first to host it. Keep collecting that ear and nose hair. I know it is an expensive upkeep, but with the right amount of fortitude and drive I am sure you will change the world some day soon.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Clowns,

Please tell me about he expression, "too drunk to fuck." I was almost in that state last night...between the wine and the Nyquil...but I ... ahem ... came through.

~Needs to know

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Please tell me about he expression, "too drunk to fuck." I was almost in that state last night...between the wine and the Nyquil...but I ... ahem ... came through.

~Needs to know

Dear Needy,

There is never a time where a man is too drunk to fuck. This is a term women made up. It is dirty of like the "I have a headache" or "I need to wash my cat" excuse. Since we are so drunk and women are as crafty as trolls they take advantage of our drunken state. They make us believe we actually said it. This way we eventually pass out and they can do it themselves. You have to keep in mind women are very shifty creatures and anytime they feel they can get one over on us they will. Next time you hear the phrase "too drunk to fuck" just use my favorite college phrase "puke and rally" Then hop on and watch her squirm trying to get away from you trying to kiss her with puke breath.

Signed,

No doesn't always mean no, but assume it does and just argue about the fact that your sex life has been as of late.

 

[availableslave2u]

Dear Handicapable of kicking everyone's ass,

I have to admit I have never seen anyone in a walker or cane moving so quickly that they had to push people out of your way. Usually it is the other way around and I have to clench my grip from the steering wheel as Maude swerves back at forth at 5mph on a 2 lane road.

I say the fact that you get parking spots 5 feet from entrances while I have to catch a cab to get to the front door. Plus you have the ability to ride in those hove arounds without getting nasty looks like I do.

I say the people that are in your way are just jealous that they don't get to eat dinner at 4pm like you.

Signed,

Jealous

dear clowns,
i absolutely do not eat dinner at 4 pm. please. i'm handicapped, not 80. i did think of you as i zipped around walmart tonight on the little scooter.

anyhoo........

i need your advice. as you well know, i'm a quiet, well behaved young lady who very seldom opens my mouth to spout off to anyone. i keep my opinions to myself and never judge people. i'm afraid i might not be such a lady soon. my future brother in law is driving me crazy. my fiance (yes, you read that right, marriage is in the future for me) and i are living in an apartment with him, since last april. the three of us decided to live together for a year, to save money and figure out what we want to do in the future. i had to move in a hurry and this was the best solution at the time. unfortunately, i didn't realize what a piece of shit the bro in law really is. we've only got to survive until may 1, and then he goes his own way and we go ours. i'm dealing with his not cleaning up after himself, his non-stop drug use, his rudeness, his need to be the center of attention, his not pitching in around the apartment, never cooking dinner but always wanting it to be on the table every night. right now, he has the volume on so high on his tv, i can hear it clearly. he's driving me crazy. should i continue to be the well behaved young lady, or should i open up and tell him what i'm thinking?
signed,
quiet, shy and innocent

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
one more thing....thank you for your daily polls. i find them very interesting, entertaining and informative. keep up the good work.
thanks again!!!

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Dear Clowns.

I really like this guy that I met online and I would really like to take it to the next level but I have a little problem. It's takes me forever to get ready for a date. I mean, once I go through a whole case of Nair to get rid of the hair on my legs and two jars of wart cream to try to hid the bumps on my face and then spending several more hours trying to find an outfit that will minimize the size of the hump on my back, the day is totally wasted and I just don't feel like going out anymore.

I will try anything! Do you have any suggestions for me?

Signed,
Pretty on the Inside.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i absolutely do not eat dinner at 4 pm. please. i'm handicapped, not 80. i did think of you as i zipped around walmart tonight on the little scooter.

anyhoo........

i need your advice. as you well know, i'm a quiet, well behaved young lady who very seldom opens my mouth to spout off to anyone. i keep my opinions to myself and never judge people. i'm afraid i might not be such a lady soon. my future brother in law is driving me crazy. my fiance (yes, you read that right, marriage is in the future for me) and i are living in an apartment with him, since last april. the three of us decided to live together for a year, to save money and figure out what we want to do in the future. i had to move in a hurry and this was the best solution at the time. unfortunately, i didn't realize what a piece of shit the bro in law really is. we've only got to survive until may 1, and then he goes his own way and we go ours. i'm dealing with his not cleaning up after himself, his non-stop drug use, his rudeness, his need to be the center of attention, his not pitching in around the apartment, never cooking dinner but always wanting it to be on the table every night. right now, he has the volume on so high on his tv, i can hear it clearly. he's driving me crazy. should i continue to be the well behaved young lady, or should i open up and tell him what i'm thinking?
signed,
quiet, shy and innocent

Dear Who exactly are you kidding?

You quiet and shy? It shouldn't be your decision to straighten your brother in law or future whatever out. That task you lay soundly on your Fiance' (congrats by the way!!!!) shoulders. No way should you have to get involved in that BS. Especially if there is drug use as who knows what he will do once confronted. If your man loves you as much as you love him by putting up with the bullshit then there shouldn't be an issue. If that doesn't work then i would kick him in the balls while he is passed out on the couch. This won't help the situation much, but I am sure it will make you feel much better.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
one more thing....thank you for your daily polls. i find them very interesting, entertaining and informative. keep up the good work.
thanks again!!!

They are simply because i am bored out of my fucking mind while I desperately seek employment. Have 4 interviews this week. So i am praying heavily.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns.

I really like this guy that I met online and I would really like to take it to the next level but I have a little problem. It's takes me forever to get ready for a date. I mean, once I go through a whole case of Nair to get rid of the hair on my legs and two jars of wart cream to try to hid the bumps on my face and then spending several more hours trying to find an outfit that will minimize the size of the hump on my back, the day is totally wasted and I just don't feel like going out anymore.

I will try anything! Do you have any suggestions for me?

Signed,
Pretty on the Inside.

Dear Pretty all over,

Listen when men have their dick in their hand they are not thinking straight. So get him riled up on the phone, then turn on your came. Turn the lights down some and put a sock puppet on your hand. Give it some blonde or brown hair and paint its lips pretty. Guys are so stupid and because they have no blood rushing to the head on their necks, they cannot believe you agreed to show yourself on cam in the first place. They will believe it is you. Watch When Harry Met Sally prior to practice up on some fake orgasms. Moan a little and then shake your hand violently when you "cum" We are so stupid we will spurt out our toaster strudel onto our bellies and believe that you actually let us watch you cum on cam. Then quickly turn off the cam and when we whine you left us just say you had a power outage. We are dumb enough to believe that excuse and will pretend to like you for another day or so and then move on to our next conquest.

Signed,

Blinded by your light

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
i love to play backgammon, but i don't know a lot of people here yet. do you think you could fly out to wisconsin every other day and play a few games of backgammon with me? we could go around and terrorize the short people after that if you want.
signed,
stuck in cheesehead land

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i love to play backgammon, but i don't know a lot of people here yet. do you think you could fly out to wisconsin every other day and play a few games of backgammon with me? we could go around and terrorize the short people after that if you want.
signed,
stuck in cheesehead land

Dear Stuck,

I haven't played backgammon in a long time. Just a quickly every other day jaunt to cheese land huh? I think it would be a lot of fun to ride around and make of the shorties around us. So essentially the backgammon is just a ruse in order to get together to make fun of people.

I like it.

Signed,

Geo Metro Challenged.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i love to play backgammon, but i don't know a lot of people here yet. do you think you could fly out to wisconsin every other day and play a few games of backgammon with me? we could go around and terrorize the short people after that if you want.
signed,
stuck in cheesehead land

By the way, I hope you're doing well crazy lady. Miss you around these parts.