Dear Clowns

[lakesailer_mi]

In all seriousness, I do know my stuff, and know what works for me...but darling, seriously, if out of the 5 there is one I've not gone for, I'm freaking going to try it. Variety is the spice of life, oh hard one


You are most welcome, lovely Rosemary. Like I told Lake, up there ^^^, out of the five each of us may find one, or a portion of one and think...hmmmmm, NICE!

Mway, gorgeous.

See this is the problem, you women get serious too quickly...

But yup, it's good to share ideas...

 

[kendra1980]

See this is the problem, you women get serious too quickly...

But yup, it's good to share ideas...

Who says I'm serious??? Oh, the 'seriously' above.

Well handsome, you know I'm in the pleasing one man bidness, and bidness is good Anything that keeps business...uhmmm...booming is fine with me.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Anything that keeps business...uhmmm...booming is fine with me.

LMAO...

 

[ivantheterrible]

is this a fucking question and answer thread or a fucking discussion thread like a bunch of horny singles cruising a bar?

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'm wondering if you could list 5 things a woman could do to get her man so hot he sizzles?

~Taking notes in Litland.

Dear taking notes,

There are quite a few things a woman can do to make her man sizzle. I like to sizzle from time to to so let me share some things with you that make me sizzle and you can implement them as you see fit.

1) Buy him season tickets to his favorite sports team. Nothing gets me more excited then game day. I can tell you that I would fuck Kirk Herbstreit if given the opportnity. Something about his rugged good looks and boyish charm that make all college football fans get excited.

2) When he is watching his favorite shows, no matter what time of day, don't interupt him. Don't ask how his day was or why he hasn't taken out the trash ey. That will kill a man's sex drive quicker then a kick to the nuts. So when you see your main resting comfortably on the couch don't ask him for a beer, just brinh him one. Then drop to your knees and worship his manhood no matter how long they have been festering in his workout shorts.

3) Keep yourself fit. You don't have to be skinny mind you, just in shape. This makes it better for when you have sex with him. He doesn't like doing the work so it is best for you to be in shape to be able to handle most of the work load. It doesn't matter if he can barely see his toes over his gut. It took a lot of time getting into that kind of shape, so please respect it. While you are at the gym please make sure there are enough chips and dip and cold beer in the fridge for him to snack on while watching Spike TV.

4) Never ever ask him to go to the mall with you. Nothing kills a boner like "Hey baby, I need some new clothes. Will you please go with me and help me pick something out?" We have NO desire to go to the mall. No matter how chipper we say yes we are dying inside. You want to keep your man hard? Don't ask him to go shopping with you. If you do need to go shopping, make sure that while we are at home watching TV that you send naughty pics of yourself in the changing room. We like looking at naughty pics and especially if you are sending them from somewhere you shouldn't be sending them from. Please realize we don't want pics of your coot from a baby section or the hardware section. No boner will be grown with the thought of babies or yardwork running through our heads.

5) Finally keep yourself groomed properly. It doesn't matter if we shower every 3 days. Brush out teeth maybe once a day. Do our laundry by spraying that shirt we wore to the bar last week with Febreeze and putting it back on. Ironing our clothes by wetting a rag and thrwing it in the drier with said wrinkled laundry. Or turning our underwear inside out when we don't have any that is clean. You need to make sure you are smelling nice, have all your teeth, they be some form of the color white and that your nether region isn't so untamed you have tomatos growing in it. Please make sure that your armpits are shaved daily and that your legs are always kept smooth. Nothing will kill our sex drive then feeling like we are getting acupunture when we are rubbing our legs up and down yours.

I think if you implment these 5 tried and true techniques you man will always be sizzling for you.

 

[IhateClowns]

is this a fucking question and answer thread or a fucking discussion thread like a bunch of horny singles cruising a bar?

Hmmmm not sure how to answer that since I really don't care about what kind of thread it turns out to be lol I hope I can get some questions to answer every now and then. If people want to banter about the questions being asked or the answers that I give then by all means go for it.

I like horny people.

 

[LusterMunky]

I like horny people.

Dear Clowns,

Are horny people inherently funny? I ask because wives #6 through #11 were caught in the throes of uncontrollable laughter every time I fucked them.

~ Munky

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Are horny people inherently funny? I ask because wives #6 through #11 were caught in the throes of uncontrollable laughter every time I fucked them.

~ Munky

Dear Munky,

Yes they are. You have to giggle and be funny to mask the sheer disappointment that women have after being fucked in such a mediocre fashion. No horny woman wants to spread her legs and be impaled by a lack luster performance.

Ever heard the words, "Will you please plug this in on your way out?" There is nothing more humiliating then shuffling your feet with your head down as you hear your woman making sounds that only something that is hooked up to a car battery can provide.

 

[Rikki_13]

Dear Clowns,

How can you get a guy to help with a few chores around the house? You know laundry and dishes? Asking cause the brother is gonna have to step up his game.

cant do everything around here

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
i'm not sure what lovaza is a pharmaceutical for, but is it bad that when i see the commercial and it gets to the side effects part (usually the part where they tell you you're grow 5 more testicles, your eyes will bleed, you'll have anal drainage, and that kind of stuff) and the first side effect they say is burping, that it makes me crack up? seriously, that's the #1 side effect? not bad, all things considering.
giggling at inappropriate things

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear Clowns,

I've been crazy busy - work, moving house, social butterflying - and haven't had a pedicure or 'waxed' for quite a few weeks.

I like to make myself as attractive as possible to potential 'mates' and fear these grooming slips have affected the scorecard of late.

As I am still very time-poor, what do you suggest as a short term solution to my predicament?

Yours

Busy Bee

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

How can you get a guy to help with a few chores around the house? You know laundry and dishes? Asking cause the brother is gonna have to step up his game.

cant do everything around here

Dear angered over nothing,

There isn't much you can do to get a guy to clean up after himself. Hell most guys fail to clean their under carriage on a regular basis, so how do you expect them to scrape off a plate every now and then?

So here is what you do. Put all the dishes up and use plastic ware. Use paper plates and cups. Bring in one of those very large trash cans and place it next to the couch so all he has to do is reach over and throw it away. Now don't expect this to be a fool proof plan, if he has a cup in his hand and cannot find the remote he will get up and look for the remote and when he finally does find it he will replace the remote with the empty cup in his hand.

You see there are priorities in a male's life and cleaning and laundry isn't one of them. So you will have to do your best to provide the easiest ways for him to get things done while he is doing something he really enjoys.

Start bribing him with a beer for every load of laundry he does. You might have to revert back to his elementary school days whenn Mom and Pops gave him certain amounts of money for the grades he got. Maybe start implementing a program like that for him and his chores, but realize once again you will have to make sure those chores and easy and not a strain on his body, mind or soul to accomplish.

Then again you can just let him keep doing what he is doing and step up a bit and do it all yourself.

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i'm not sure what lovaza is a pharmaceutical for, but is it bad that when i see the commercial and it gets to the side effects part (usually the part where they tell you you're grow 5 more testicles, your eyes will bleed, you'll have anal drainage, and that kind of stuff) and the first side effect they say is burping, that it makes me crack up? seriously, that's the #1 side effect? not bad, all things considering.
giggling at inappropriate things

Dear giggler at the less fortunate,

Please realize now-a-days that pharmaceutical companies are putting every known side effect known to man and woman on the side of their pill bottles to cover their ass.

If a broken pill shouldn't be touched by a pregnant woman, then why on earth is it safe to pop in my mouth and swallow? How does that work? It will affect a pregnancy through touch, yet it is safe for me to let it sit in my stomach and digest.

Now let me explain that if you are taking a pill that makes you fart a lot maybe you should see what effects eating a can of beans would do in place of lovaza. The only side effects to some Bush's Baked Beans are getting the covers pulled over your head as you scream and your husband giggles like a 5 year old.

So by all means continue to laugh at those idiots taking baths in the forest, men worrying about 4 hour boners, pregnant women running and screaming from broken pills, and women sitting around a bar like in Sex and the City discussing that being on Yaz now makes them much smarter that they can tell all of their friends the side effects of being on Yaz. Just sip your fucking Cosmopolitans and complain about how lackluster your sex life is. Your not a doctor, I know it and all of your friends are tired of you acting like you are

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Dear Clowns

why do so many people have such fucked up relationships?

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I've been crazy busy - work, moving house, social butterflying - and haven't had a pedicure or 'waxed' for quite a few weeks.

I like to make myself as attractive as possible to potential 'mates' and fear these grooming slips have affected the scorecard of late.

As I am still very time-poor, what do you suggest as a short term solution to my predicament?

Yours

Busy Bee

Dear busy bee,

Duct tape and a stick. That is all you need. Slap on a few strips of duct tape and bite down on a large stick. That will take care of your hair pie. Please make sure you do this well prior to your date as you will need time to heal.

As for your manicure and pedicure I would suggest that you just wear socks the entire date. Tube socks to be exact. When he looks at you quizzically justs ay your feet are cold. As for the manicure just use a nail file and some white out. Scrape those bad boys down and then paint em with the white out. We don't pay attention to that stuff so we will never know.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

why do so many people have such fucked up relationships?

Dear wondering,

The reason why people now have such fucked up relationships is very simple. Cell phone companies have made it very easy to text and send pictures for a very low price. So now if you get in a fight with your loved one, you both scream for a few minutes then leave. Then wait a bit seeing if the other person is going to call or text first to apologize. So you wait and wait then you finally decide to do it yourself and you end up discussing the arguement through texting.

Also it has made it very easy to bitch and moan about your significant others to your friends through texting. He or she won't know you are complaining about them because when they ask you what you are texting or who are you texting to you just say oh it is xxxxx and we are talking about the upcoming weekend. When in actuality you are talking about how he treats you and how bad he smells and how he doesnt respect you or take you to dinner, or buy you flowers anymore. This just manifests itself and continues to jade your thinking and feeling towards the other person causing your relationship to get more and mroe fucked up.

Plus cell phones have allowed cheating to become easier and easier. A quick snatch shot and then send lets the person you sent it to know you are thinking about them as your husband or boyfriend is sceaming at the guy on Minute to Win It saying he could wrap himself in toilet paper a helluva a lot quicker then that dolt did.

Having other people on Lit and through texting tell you that you could have a much better life then what you have now continues to make you fel your relationship is fucked up so you continue to believe it.

Remember when cell phones and places like lit didn't exist? Times were a lot easier. Arguements were talked out. Poeple were forgiven and you didn't see the other side as clearly as you are able to now. I blame it all on Cinemax and their 2am movie line-up. Once we started seeing people fucking in all these crazy positions then enjoying each other's company the next morning made us realize that our lives basically suck, because we all knwo after having sex with our significant other the last thing we want to do is sit down at breakfast and talk about our day.

 

[littlebabyclit]

I think if you implment these 5 tried and true techniques you man will always be sizzling for you.

Dear Clowns,

I'm SO glad I read this thread...I learn so much. But may I suggest you left out what a cock shriveler it is when a woman asks a man to help with post-dinner dishes clean-up?

Your's Truly,
Another Fan (What's the count now, 3 ? )

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'm SO glad I read this thread...I learn so much. But may I suggest you left out what a cock shriveler it is when a woman asks a man to help with post-dinner dishes clean-up?

Your's Truly,
Another Fan (What's the count now, 3 ? )

Dear follower #3,

Palmolive is the biggest dick shrinker made. I have told many a person if they get a 4 hour erection fuck the doctor, they should just go to the sink with dishes in it and touch the palmolive. I guarantee their dick will reduce in size almost ten-fold.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

What is an appropriate Birthday Gift for a guy? I'm always puzzled when it comes to purchasing said gift.

Your #1 Fan

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

What is an appropriate Birthday Gift for a guy? I'm always puzzled when it comes to purchasing said gift.

Your #1 Fan

Dear looking for the proper gift,

There are plenty of gifts that guys would love to have. Anything that is electronic and has a screen or attaches to a screen would be a lovely gift. Just make sure that there are no instructions involved because well we wouldn't read them anyway.

Also we liked to be pleasured orally. So practice your oral skills. Maybe gain oral strength by buy a package of Big League Chew and chewing it all at once or an hour. Make sure you blow bubbles as well then suck the bubbles back into your mouth increasing the frequency and pressure each time. Also make sure you move your tongue around quite a bit prior to blowing the bubble.

Beer is also a perfect gift. A tapped keg will make a fella pop wood quickly. Make sure it is delivered so we don't have to get up and go pick it up. Also an additional side gift o said keg would be a cupple of frosted mugs. That makes for a wonder stocking stuffer.

Finally we like peace and quiet. Maybe just leave us alone for a while. That is the best gift you can give a guy. A few hours or a weekend alone to do what we want when we want and how we want without having to explain our actions.

I hope these all help you provide your guy a wonderful holiday experience.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear looking for the proper gift,

There are plenty of gifts that guys would love to have. Anything that is electronic and has a screen or attaches to a screen would be a lovely gift. Just make sure that there are no instructions involved because well we wouldn't read them anyway.

Also we liked to be pleasured orally. So practice your oral skills. Maybe gain oral strength by buy a package of Big League Chew and chewing it all at once or an hour. Make sure you blow bubbles as well then suck the bubbles back into your mouth increasing the frequency and pressure each time. Also make sure you move your tongue around quite a bit prior to blowing the bubble.

Beer is also a perfect gift. A tapped keg will make a fella pop wood quickly. Make sure it is delivered so we don't have to get up and go pick it up. Also an additional side gift o said keg would be a cupple of frosted mugs. That makes for a wonder stocking stuffer.

Finally we like peace and quiet. Maybe just leave us alone for a while. That is the best gift you can give a guy. A few hours or a weekend alone to do what we want when we want and how we want without having to explain our actions.

I hope these all help you provide your guy a wonderful holiday experience.

Dear Clowns,
What would I do without your fantastic advice?
I'll keep you posted on how the gift giving goes.

Your Loyal Fan

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear wondering,
The reason why people now have such fucked up relationships is very simple. Cell phone companies have made it very easy to text and send pictures for a very low price. So now if you get in a fight with your loved one, you both scream for a few minutes then....

[Sorry, I had to edit the original post, my phone couldn't cope.]

Having other people on Lit and through texting tell you that you could have a much better life then what you have now continues to make you fel your relationship is fucked up so you continue to believe it.
...positions then enjoying each other's company the next morning made us realize that our lives basically suck, because we all knwo after having sex with our significant other the last thing we want to do is sit down at breakfast and talk about our day.

The insightfulness of this response is pretty scary Clowns. Be careful, your bullshit factor might need new batteries.

L x

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,
What would I do without your fantastic advice?
I'll keep you posted on how the gift giving goes.

Your Loyal Fan

Yes please do RMT. I would love to know that I have helped another loyal follower.

 

[IhateClowns]

The insightfulness of this response is pretty scary Clowns. Be careful, your bullshit factor might need new batteries.

L x

LOL yeah I got a few PM's regarding this answer. Sometimes insightful thoughts come out. Which is a scary thought in itself

 

[IhateClowns]

The insightfulness of this response is pretty scary Clowns. Be careful, your bullshit factor might need new batteries.

L x

Tried to send you a PM but understand why you might have your PM's blocked considering all of us ghouls on here. Just wantedd to say thanks for posting on the thread. You help keep it alive and it is much appreciated