Dear Clowns

[vavavaVoom]

Dear Clowns

Can you please explain to me the purpose of a mosquito?
Me and the mozzies don't see Eye to Eye. In fact I don't see them coming until I hear that "hum" - from that moment all sense of decorum is lost as I immediately resort to "kill mode".
Please, I implore you. Any hope of converting to Buddhism is lost unless I attain enlightenment.

Cheers
4V

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

Can you please explain to me the purpose of a mosquito?
Me and the mozzies don't see Eye to Eye. In fact I don't see them coming until I hear that "hum" - from that moment all sense of decorum is lost as I immediately resort to "kill mode".
Please, I implore you. Any hope of converting to Buddhism is lost unless I attain enlightenment.

Cheers
4V

Dear Repellent Needer,

What can I tell you, you're just too sweet and desirable. You react to Mosquitos like I do to pretty girl that's wants to talk to me. We freak out. My suggestion is to douche your body on the outside, not just the inside. The vinegary stench will certainly keep those pesky Mosquitos away from you while insuring that your body, although smelling like a clean vagina, will be healthy and happy.

Good luck to you

 

[LusterMunky]

Dear Mr. Clowns,

I have Lit Parasites who are obsessed with me. Is this a good thing? Am I that cool?

- Munky

 

[Suz_anne]

Dear Mr. Clowns,

What is sexier - a Snuggie or a Onesie?

Butt fucking is such a crass term. What's your favorite synonym for anal sex?

Is it weird to call your partner "Daddy" during the middle of bumping uglies? Asking for a friend.

Sincerely,
Suz_anne Shazam!

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Mr. Clowns,

I have Lit Parasites who are obsessed with me. Is this a good thing? Am I that cool?

- Munky

Dear obsessed,

Yeah I have seen all the threads dedicated to these folks. My suggestion is to ignore them. Put them on ignore. Those people who are your friends will know the difference and not take anything your stalkers seriously. I don't know what it is like to have people stalk or obsessed with me other than Brad so I am unsure how cool you are. I would stop with the threads and all of that though. You are just feeding their egos and they will never stop then.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Mr. Clowns,

What is sexier - a Snuggie or a Onesie?

Butt fucking is such a crass term. What's your favorite synonym for anal sex?

Is it weird to call your partner "Daddy" during the middle of bumping uglies? Asking for a friend.

Sincerely,
Suz_anne Shazam!

Dear anally plugged,

Butt fucking is a crass term? You have a duck up your ass and you are concerned with the terminology? Hmmmmm I prefer poking the brown eye. I think it is more romantic.

A onesie is much sexier, but a pain in the butt to take a piss in. I like the onesie better simply for the foot control. I am able to get better grip when I am fucking a woman in my onesie.

I don't get the whole daddy thing personally. I would kinda freak out if my partner said fuck me daddy. I have some gray in my goatee and if she called me daddy I would feel old and reach for a penis pump immediately. Then again if you have a cock I your ass I suppose daddy is better than say Oh God.

 

[BluKitten]

Dear Clowns,

I've finally scraped off the ugly wallpaper from my kitchen walls. I would like to put up something, on the walls around my stove, that would be easier to clean off grease splatter. Do you have any suggestions? I would also like to do myself, but I'm not sure where to start. What would you recommend?

Signed,
DIY Litster

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I've finally scraped off the ugly wallpaper from my kitchen walls. I would like to put up something, on the walls around my stove, that would be easier to clean off grease splatter. Do you have any suggestions? I would also like to do myself, but I'm not sure where to start. What would you recommend?

Signed,
DIY Litster

Dear Cleanliness is next to Godliness,

Have you considered just coating your walls with Teflon? That would work really well in fighting grease stains and watching your eggs just slide down the wall and directly onto your plate. Plus think of the informercial possibilities. You could have Ron Popiel in one corner telling you to set it and forget it while the Sham Wow guy goes 12 year old cheerleader as he wipes your walls spotless.

Think of the monetary gain from your new Teflon Walls. Maybe Oprah can sit down and do an interview. While in the Meissen if telling her about your Teflon walls she surprises you by bringing out a brother you never had. This reunion happens and is watched by millions spawning a Lifetime movie entitled Teflon Walls. Do it and you could be a millionaire by next year.

Signed,

Royalty check please.

 

[lexieredefined]

Dear Clowns-

Can you solve an age old debate: does toast always fall butter side down?

Signed,
Hungry for Breakfast

 

[Backdoor_Bella]

Dear Clowns,

Ever since I started wearing these blue contacts, I've been peeing blue. What gives?

Sincerely,
Backdoor_Bella

 

[MausAss]

Dear Clowns,

Was Einstein really that smart?

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Clowns,

I don't think I stalk you all that much. Just because I subscribe to every single thread you start doesn't mean all that much, does it? Post stalking is a normal thing isn't it? I can't be the only one am I? Do you think I need to seek mental health help?

~ B to the three

 

[Aquagal]

Dear Clowns,

I don't think I stalk you all that much. Just because I subscribe to every single thread you start doesn't mean all that much, does it? Post stalking is a normal thing isn't it? I can't be the only one am I? Do you think I need to seek mental health help?

~ B to the three

*nodding*

As a confessed former stalker of the Clowns, years ago, I used to have a crush on him. I understand your continued idolizing.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns-

Can you solve an age old debate: does toast always fall butter side down?

Signed,
Hungry for Breakfast

Dear breakfast for dinner,

Always and it is a bitch. Nothing worse than to patiently wait for the damn toaster because you burnt the first batch. Then you butter up that first piece of golden brown toast and set it down. Finally get the 2nd piece and start buttering it up, but because you had to wait so long, you get antsy and drop it. Now if it ever fell butter up you could blow on it and magically it would be clean enough to eat. Kinda like old Atari games and how blowing in them made them work.

Now because it fell butter down you pick it up and actually look at it and try and connt how much crap stuck to thebutter to see if it is salvageable. It never is. That's why when I drop the toast I don't wen bother to look anymore. I just grab more bread and pray I don't burn another piece.

Signed,

I love toast

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Ever since I started wearing these blue contacts, I've been peeing blue. What gives?

Sincerely,
Backdoor_Bella

Dear Color Coordinated,

I have brown eyes and I shit brown unless I eat too much asparagus. Then my eyes run hazel and my poop turns to NyQuil. You should feel honored you piss like a Smurf. Yellow is so passé. Peeing blue allows you to urinate in the pool without worry a of someone looking at you when they feel something warm against their leg.

Signed,

Brown is better.

 

[IhateClowns]

Uit

Dear Clowns,

I don't think I stalk you all that much. Just because I subscribe to every single thread you start doesn't mean all that much, does it? Post stalking is a normal thing isn't it? I can't be the only one am I? Do you think I need to seek mental health help?

~ B to the three

Dear Non-Believer,

Post stalking is completely normal. I do it quite often with certain Litsters that have no clue. I think you are the only one who posts stalks me. I think I get pretty boring and monotonous and since you are the same you have stuck around. Plus you are better than me so hanging around me makes you feel better. I get it. That's why I stalk Ravi. So always remember you are 2 steps above Ravi.

Keep smiling brother!

 

[IhateClowns]

*nodding*

As a confessed former stalker of the Clowns, years ago, I used to have a crush on him. I understand your continued idolizing.

Wha Wha Wha Wha??????

I call bullshit. You aren't nodding.

As for the crush I also call bullshit. FGG has always had your heart and vagina pulse. You can't fool me.

Good try.

 

[Suz_anne]

Dear Clowns,

My dear departed grandfather used to sing "I love to go swimmin' with bowlegged women..." but he never finished singing the song.

Can you tell me why one would love swimmin' with bowlegged women?

Later Vader,
Suz_anne

 

[cliteatingman]

Dear Clowns,

My dear departed grandfather used to sing "I love to go swimmin' with bowlegged women..." but he never finished singing the song.

Can you tell me why one would love swimmin' with bowlegged women?

Later Vader,
Suz_anne

Perhaps because they can't put their thighs together...

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

My dear departed grandfather used to sing "I love to go swimmin' with bowlegged women..." but he never finished singing the song.

Can you tell me why one would love swimmin' with bowlegged women?

Later Vader,
Suz_anne

Dear Yankee Doodle Dandy,

What the guy above me said. Either that or your Pappy has a motorcycle cop fetish you were unaware of.

Signed,

Post Block Hater

 

[availableslave2u]

dearest clowns,
is something like this the reason you hate clowns?

http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x223/truman1230/lit%20album/6d92ffca-5d0e-4afa-a268-2b1aad78c455_zps949da28d.jpg

signed,
scared the shit out of me!

 

[Backdoor_Bella]

Dear Clowns,

I'd like to host more bukkake parties, but as much money as I make each time, I don't wanna spend it all replacing the carpet. Any advice?

Bella

 

[IhateClowns]

dearest clowns,
is something like this the reason you hate clowns?

http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x223/truman1230/lit%20album/6d92ffca-5d0e-4afa-a268-2b1aad78c455_zps949da28d.jpg

signed,
scared the shit out of me!

Hey!!!!!! How are you??? I miss you young lady.

You know that picture is the exact reason why I don't like clowns. I am now not going to sleep tonight. Freaking kid touchers.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'd like to host more bukkake parties, but as much money as I make each time, I don't wanna spend it all replacing the carpet. Any advice?

Bella

Hi pancake batter lover,

Painters from clothe always works. If paint can't seep through I highly doubt gallons of little swimmers will find their way to your carpet as well. I am unsure why any woman or man for that reason wants cum on their face. It is a pain to get off of your fingers and especially out of your belly button much less your hair and lady mustache. Not to mention your eyes look like you have been smoking pot by the time you are done. Is that what you really want? A bunch of middle aged overweight guys heavily breathing stroking their mules in hope they cum before their heart medication wears off?

Spuds miserable to me but please send me an invite when you do it. That's if I am guaranteed to go first. Nothing with kill my erection like see Elmer's glue plastered to your forehead and having one eye sealed up.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1306910]

Dear Clowns

I have been thinking a lot about your story about being analy raped by a balloon animal, by a clown. It really touched me, your story. It made me think about the reason I hate clowns. You see, I once applied to clown college, but was denied entry based on not being funny. This personal humiliation has caused me to be filled with rage and to violently seek out and harm any clown I could find.

But your story, made me realize that I was being selfish. You have MUCH more reason to hate clowns than I do. So, in your honor, I kidnapped a clown named Ho-Ho Bojangles. I hit him over the back of the head with a giant black dildo and stuffed him into my trunk. I pulled over at the rest stop and duck taped his hands, ankles and put a ball gag in his mouth. We're coming over.

I really think this should be a therapeutic experience for you. I have all the power tools we'll need, I just need you to pick up about 50 yards of plastic sheeting. Oh, and could you PM me your address again, I think I forgot to write it down when I people searched you.

-Your friend, Nev.