Dealing with vulnerability

[TBKahuna123]

So how do you all deal with those vulnerable moments? Those moments when you are in a situation where everything is out of your control and all you can do it wait, hope and pray? Those moments when nothing you can do can change the outcome?

 

[sassy_girl1963]

So how do you all deal with those vulnerable moments? Those moments when you are in a situation where everything is out of your control and all you can do it wait, hope and pray? Those moments when nothing you can do can change the outcome?

I dont have an answer for you as I usually over worry and over think those situations in my life. I am guessing you and Mrs. TBK are at one of those moments?

Will say a prayer for ya.

{{{{{{{{{TBK & MRS TBK}}}}}}}}}}

 

[TBKahuna123]

I dont have an answer for you as I usually over worry and over think those situations in my life. I am guessing you and Mrs. TBK are at one of those moments?

Will say a prayer for ya.

{{{{{{{{{TBK & MRS TBK}}}}}}}}}}

Actually, no trouble with me and Mrs. Kahuna, thank God!! No, this is something totally non-relationship/sexual related.

Thanks for your prayers though, I could still use em.

 

[entitled]

So how do you all deal with those vulnerable moments? Those moments when you are in a situation where everything is out of your control and all you can do it wait, hope and pray? Those moments when nothing you can do can change the outcome?

Depending on the moment, i either shut up and hold on or start throttling whatever gets in my path and cuss like a sailor. Take your pick.

 

[EJFan]

tbk... my thoughts are with you and all parties involved.

the only suggestion i can make is this:
when things are out of one's control the best thing i can think of to do is to be there emotionally (be supportive and empathize) and accept the fact that it's a situation that cannot be controlled... the latter being the hardest part.

best wishes to you!

 

[jethrobodeen]

So how do you all deal with those vulnerable moments? Those moments when you are in a situation where everything is out of your control and all you can do it wait, hope and pray? Those moments when nothing you can do can change the outcome?

When my "fuck it, beat it up, or kill it" response isn't working, sometimes if I can just surrender.

 

[Salendire]

So how do you all deal with those vulnerable moments? Those moments when you are in a situation where everything is out of your control and all you can do it wait, hope and pray? Those moments when nothing you can do can change the outcome?

I wait, and if nothing of interest happens quickly i either forget about it or worry about something else

 

[Guest]

 

[silverwhisper]

kahuna: i will keep you in my thoughts. when the current crisis is over, i for one always have an empty inbox if you wanna rant.

here's what i usually do:

1. exhaustively list everything i could possibly do and confirm whether they would help the situation, or merely be me trying to make myself feel relevant.
2. if that fails, attempt to contextualize the issue such that i can reconcile myself to having no control over the outcome.
3. prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
4. if that fails, do something to distract myself before i develop an ulcer.

i try not to stress about things over which i have no control, b/c by definition, there's nothing i can do. i try only to stress about those things over which i do have control.

ed

 

[M's girl]

So how do you all deal with those vulnerable moments? Those moments when you are in a situation where everything is out of your control and all you can do it wait, hope and pray? Those moments when nothing you can do can change the outcome?

If I know there is nothing I can do to change the outcome I just focus on something else. Occupy my mind with something else. I don't even pray because - for one - I'm not religious and secondly I think if there's nothing I can do, praying won't help either (but that's just me).

I know it's easier said than done, but this is what I do and it works for me most of the time. That's why I'm hardly ever really nervous for/about something. After I've done all I can there's nothing left to do but to wait. Nerves won't help changing the outcome. Simple as that. There's still anticipation of course....

I hope your situation is one that isn't too serious for you and your loved ones, because what I've said also depends, of course, on the situation.

TBK from me

 

[TBKahuna123]

Thanks to everyone who's shown their concern. Here I was trying to sound nonchalant like I was just starting a new topic, but I guess that backfired. Well Scalywag really puts things in perspective, and I have been trying to think about how fortunate I am. I've been a little leery to write the actual problem here because quite frankly, it's rather silly in one regard. Though the problem itself sounds severe, the concesquences are relatively minor, in the grand scheme of things. So here goes.

Sunday night I took a seemingly innocuous hit playing hockey. I went down to cover a puck and one of my opponents got bumped and couldn't stop. This guy is huge, 6'4", 315 lbs. and thank God he's not a fast skater! He crashed into me, his chest driving my head stright back into my shoulders, compressing my neck. It stunned me a bit but really didn't hurt. I finished the game, in fact I shut out the other team the rest of the game, we came back from a 3-0 deficit and won in the shootout, my first ever. I was at the high point of my career playing hockey. It was easily my best performance, and my first shootout win.

Monday morning my shoulder and the side of my neck was killing me, so I went into to my chiropractor. Now this guy is a an amazing doctor and his scope goes way beyond your typical back cracker. He did some muscle stim and light traction, but didn't really adjust anything. Then he summed it up be sending me in to get x-rays to rule out a neck fracture. I was stunned! It wasn't that hard of a hit, I never lost consciousness or anything like that, and I had no pain around my actual spine just around the sides. He then informed me that this kind of hit, a compression of the cervical vertebrae is the worst kind of hit I could have taken and a fracture had to be ruled out before we did anything else. Now he told me to go in the next morning, didn't put me in a collar or anything, so he couldn't have been that concerned about a fracture, but still it set my mind reeling.

When I walked in at 2:45 Monday afternoon I was on top of the world, finally feeling like I had staked my mark as a goalie after 4 years of hard work. When I left at 3:30 I was a sober shell burdened by the realization that I might have fractured my neck. Now if I did, it really means little to my life. There's no risk of paralysis, no emergency surgerys or anything like that, except for one thing: I'll never be able to play hockey again.

How could I possibly take that chance, the chance that one more hit might refracture those vertebrae, only worse? This hit wasn't intentional, it was a complete accident, and I know this because this guy is one of the nicest players on the ice. So if hits like this can happen unintentionally, suddenly there's a risk there of something catastrophic. Now that risk has always been there, but I've never really acknowledged it. Still, a fractured neck, even totally healed, would make the risk of catastrohic injury so much higher that I couldn't possibly keep playing.

So here I sit, all Monday night, waiting till morning to get the x-rays and get this over with. I go in first thing and am told results won't be available until Weds at noon! So here I still sit, wonder, waiting. My heart is telling me that if this weren't precautionary I would have been rushed to get x-rays, not wait a day. But still, here is my mind saying, you might have broken your neck.

For the first time in my life I don't feel indestructible. I've lived a charmed life, I've always had family and friends and my loving wife to back me up, I've always been able to put forth whatever effort was needed to solve my problems. I've never considered the fact that there might be some problem that I can't solve, that's just out of my hands. If I totally destroyed my knee, had reconstructive surgery and rehabbed it for 12 months, my wife would be there pushing me, helping me get back on the ice. What's the worse that could happen, I blow my knee out again and have a limp the rest of my life? But what if my neck is fractured? There's no rehab, there's no amount of support, there's no hard work I can do to fix that problem. It's one that can't be solved. I could step back on the ice tomorrow, but the risk isn't a limp, it's a wheelchair. How could I possibly take that risk, put my family at that much risk? I know that risk is there even without a weak neck, but 1 in 1,000,000 is an acceptable risk. 1 in 100,000 is not.

As I said, it sounds silly to be worrying about whether or not I can still play hockey when I'm faced with the prospect of a fractured neck, but what can I say, this is a big part of who I am. I took myself out of a lifestyle where I was fat, out of shape, had high blood pressure, never did anything active, and eas a prime risk of stroke or heart attack by age 40! I'm still overweight, though 30 lbs lighter, my blood pressure is down, I'm on the ice 4 nights a week and I can play a full game wihtout feeling like I'm gonna drop. Hockey has made such a difference in my physical health, but the biggest change has to be mental.

I've never been an athlete, I was always the last one picked for anything. Even when I started playing hockey I wasn't good and had issues with some people I played with. This year is the first year where things have turned around. I had two team captains fighting over who would get me on their team. The best shooters in the league openly talk about gunning for me because I have stopped them so many times, and last sunday for the first time I was able to pick my team up and carry them on my shoulders. When it was three nothing I told them, play agressive and forget defense, I'm not letting them score. I didn't. When they pulled me with 1 minute left to get the extra man I said just get tie it and get us to the shootout and I'll shut them down. I did. When one of my teammates went down the ice in the 6th round and finally scored to give us the win, my teammates mobbed me, not him, and he was the first one there. For the first time in my life I was the star. For the little chubby kid always picked last for kickball, that's a big freakin deal. Now I'm faced with the prospect that it may all be over, just when I'm starting to reach my goal.

As I said, in the grand scheme of things, not the end of the world. My life will go on without hockey and there are many people who are far worse off and would LOVE to have my problems instead of their's. I recognize that, but for some reason it doesn't make me feel all that much better. Right now I just want to know, I just want my Dr. to call with the results of those x-rays, I just want to know what my next step is and move on. A great goaltender once told me that you can't sit and wait on the goal line, you have to come out and challenge the shot. Stay back and wait and you're vulnerable, be aggressive and attack and you make the shooter feel vulnerable. Right now that is exactly how I feel, vulnerable, and there's nothing I can do but wait for the shot.

I can honestly say that until 3 PM on monday afternoon, I've never felt vulnerable in my life. Not like this.

 

[Guest]

 

[jethrobodeen]

I can honestly say that until 3 PM on monday afternoon, I've never felt vulnerable in my life. Not like this.

This is inside your circle of concern, but outside your circle of influence. By definition it will be emotional and there is nothing you can do except let it go for now, which is easier said than done. I can totally relate with you about the possibility of being restricted physically.... I wear an ankle brace and a knee brace when I go extreme from soccer injuries, but the neck!

You've got a lot of heart, dude. No matter what the outcome, when one door closes, another one opens. No matter what, time passes, and you'll get the results and you can deal with it then......

"I've been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." -Samuel Clemmens

"Don't wanna think too much, it makes me think too much, it keeps my mind on my mind...." -Rollins Band

-JB

 

[TBKahuna123]

OK now I really feel silly. X-rays are negative. Some minor trauma, but no fractures or major structural damage. Thanks to everyone who PM's me and posted their support here.

As I look back on this whole fiasco I just think about how stupid it sounds. Almost as stupid as the fact that I can't wait to get back out there and try to break my neck again! I guess goalies are sick in the head.

 

[EJFan]

OK now I really feel silly. X-rays are negative. Some minor trauma, but no fractures or major structural damage. Thanks to everyone who PM's me and posted their support here.

As I look back on this whole fiasco I just think about how stupid it sounds. Almost as stupid as the fact that I can't wait to get back out there and try to break my neck again! I guess goalies are sick in the head.

i'm very happy to hear this TBK! it's made my day, as i'm sure it has yours.



for what it's worth... people who experience things like this (the emotional trauma and the fear) yet come out the other side having beaten it actually live longer.

 

[Eilan]

I don't think it's silly at all. I'm glad you're okay.

 

[Guest]

 

[sassy_girl1963]

I don't think it's silly at all. I'm glad you're okay.

Me too! Go get them!

 

[bobsgirl]

((((TBK))))

Thank God the news was good!

Your story moved me very much. I have great respect for someone who works hard to change their lifestyle and become healthier, and happier. Hockey, for you, is more than just a sport, and I am very very glad that the x-rays were negative.

This just made my day.

 

[jethrobodeen]

OK now I really feel silly. X-rays are negative. Some minor trauma, but no fractures or major structural damage. Thanks to everyone who PM's me and posted their support here.

As I look back on this whole fiasco I just think about how stupid it sounds. Almost as stupid as the fact that I can't wait to get back out there and try to break my neck again! I guess goalies are sick in the head.

Glad to hear. It's a tough lesson. Having to wait and see how something will turn out that you have no control over. I'm not very good at it, but when it happens, it teaches you that the worst case scenario is far from being certainty and it's best to just ride the storm out. It some times helps, just to know the odds aren't usually as bad as 100:1 against me.

Oh, was that the beer league?

-JB

 

[SweetErika]

I missed this one somehow. I'm thrilled you're okay, TBK, and will be able to get back to hockey!

Whatever the situation, this is a great topic, and I hope the discussion continues because I've already learned and been reminded of a lot.

I've felt vulnerable for the better part of the past year because of my neck. Sure, I can keep mobile and try different treatments, but even my wonderful doctor (who's had this kind of injury himself) admits all we can do is try to control the pain and give it time to heal as much as possible. Like TBK, I'm used to injuries and illnesses that I have some measure of control over, but I can't do a damn thing about this one, which is scary and frustrating beyond belief. My life, hobbies, just about everything depend on my stupid neck and when (or possibly 'if,' though I try not to think about that) it gets better. It's the not knowing or being able to do anything, and waiting that kills.

Anyway, my aim isn't to complain; it's to sympathize and say putting things in perspective, reminding myself I can deal with whatever comes, taking it day by day, distraction, and trying not to stress over it, all help immensely, and I'm going to come back to this thread when I need to be reminded of those things (read: very often).

 

[jethrobodeen]

I missed this one somehow. I'm thrilled you're okay, TBK, and will be able to get back to hockey!

Whatever the situation, this is a great topic, and I hope the discussion continues because I've already learned and been reminded of a lot.

I've felt vulnerable for the better part of the past year because of my neck. Sure, I can keep mobile and try different treatments, but even my wonderful doctor (who's had this kind of injury himself) admits all we can do is try to control the pain and give it time to heal as much as possible. Like TBK, I'm used to injuries and illnesses that I have some measure of control over, but I can't do a damn thing about this one, which is scary and frustrating beyond belief. My life, hobbies, just about everything depend on my stupid neck and when (or possibly 'if,' though I try not to think about that) it gets better. It's the not knowing or being able to do anything, and waiting that kills.

Anyway, my aim isn't to complain; it's to sympathize and say putting things in perspective, reminding myself I can deal with whatever comes, taking it day by day, distraction, and trying not to stress over it, all help immensely, and I'm going to come back to this thread when I need to be reminded of those things (read: very often).

Really sorry to hear about your neck injury SweetErika From reading only a tiny fraction of your 1000s of posts (I suspect each filled with pearls of wisdom and encouragement), I have a suspicion that you have the resilience to make it no matter what.

-JB

 

[TBKahuna123]

First off thanks to everyone again for all the support and kind words. Erika actually said what I was just going to say: I hope this thread keeps going.

Initially I wasn't even going to post my problem because my aim wasn't to complain or garner sympathy or anything like that. I was truly looking for a way to deal with the vulnerability and helplessness, and I hope this discussion continues. Whether it's chronic physical pain, emotional pain, financial pain, whatever, no one likes to feel vulnerable. Many people have to deal with that feeling on a daily basis, some effectively, some not so effectively. Hopefully we'll keep discussing this and learn how people effectively deal with feeling helpless, and this might help someo f us who are less effective at combatting it.

I think the wisdom already posted has been great and it did give me a lot to think about. I learned something very important last night. When I went to the rink to coach I saw a guy from my team who 2 weeks ago broke his leg. No one hit him, he just turned shapr, his balde caught on a bad patch of ice and he snapped both bones in his leg. He's done for the year, though he'll play next year, but I saw him sitting on the bench. He's still coming to practice ad helping to coach his son's hockey team, even though he can't be on the ice. He just sat there, calling kids over and yelling this to them on the ice, then he'd sit back with this wistful smile like he was dying to get back out there. I realized that even if the worst had happened I'd still be able to have hockey in my life and that just because one part would be done, there's always another path. As soon as I stepped onto the ice though, I realized something else: I will never take playing hockey for granted again. It's a gift to be able to do this every week and someday it will be over. To hell with get em next time, play every game like it's your last and live in that moment.

I guess the answer to dealing with a situation out of your control is accepting the fact that you have no control. If you can accept that fact then you can let go of the feeling that you are failing because you can't fix it. Dealing with it and fixing it are two different things. I couldn't fix my neck, but if it had been the worst case scenario, I could have dealt with it and still kept the joy in my life. That realization will serve me well should something like this ever happen again. Now if I just could have figured that out Monday night!

I have to admit though I still don't feel indestructible. I can't help but wonder if the next time I see someone coming at me after a shot, will I hold fast and cover the puck, or will I flinch, try to slap it away and bail out? I won't know that until it happens I guess. I know I can't wait to find out.

 

[jethrobodeen]

I have to admit though I still don't feel indestructible. I can't help but wonder if the next time I see someone coming at me after a shot, will I hold fast and cover the puck, or will I flinch, try to slap it away and bail out? I won't know that until it happens I guess. I know I can't wait to find out.

Hey, grasshopper, always protect yourself out there. It's a contact sport and you're the center of attention for half the people there. Don't play any differently, shit! you had a freak accident (and maybe you didn't protect yourself like you could have--hindsight 20/20). Above all don't be timid. THAT is what will get you hurt. They gotta remember there's a price to pay for trying to take you down, make em think before plowing at you, man. But I feel somehow, you'd keep it clean and wouldn't invite much retaliation, only respect. I don't know if I asked or if you said so, but I assume we're not talking about the the beer league.

Cheers!
-JB

 

[TBKahuna123]

Hey, grasshopper, always protect yourself out there. It's a contact sport and you're the center of attention for half the people there. Don't play any differently, shit! you had a freak accident (and maybe you didn't protect yourself like you could have--hindsight 20/20). Above all don't be timid. THAT is what will get you hurt. They gotta remember there's a price to pay for trying to take you down, make em think before plowing at you, man. But I feel somehow, you'd keep it clean and wouldn't invite much retaliation, only respect. I don't know if I asked or if you said so, but I assume we're not talking about the the beer league.

Cheers!
-JB

Yeah we're talking about the beer league here. I'm certainly going to be touchy about standing up for myself, but I've also been informed that I don't need to worry about that. There are a couple guys on my team who are going to make sure that anyone who tries to get too close pays a price. I wasn't aware of it but I guess there was a lot of concern on our bench and suprise that I got up at all. I didn't think it was that bad of a hit, but I guess it was a worse collision than I thought. Word's gotten around the league already and with the exception of one or two guys, everyone in our league is a gentleman. I don't think I'll have to worry about guys getting too close trying to intimidate me.

Your absolutely right though, I can't change how I play. I'm an aggressive goaltender, I go out and take the puck away, I challenge every shot. I can't change how I play now because I'm scared of getting hit, not without losing my edge. I've worked too hard now to be intimidated.

I just read an article on SI.com about Jay Cutler, QB from Vanderbilt. His draft stock has been rising and while Leinart and Young have decided not to throw at the Scouting Combine, Cutler is going to. While he may hurt his stock and cost himself millions int he draft, he'd rather compete and show that he deserves to be a top 5 pick. his stock has been rising and he's going to meet this challenge too. The article said this:

He needs to continue operating as if his dream dies tomorrow. It's that approach that has taken him this far.

Well there you have, it, words for me to live by. Play every game as if it's your last. If I'm gonna take that hit that knocks my ass out for good, damnit I'm stopping the shot first! If this had been it, if I'd seen my last day on the ice, I would be leaving after a dream win, leading my team on a comeback from being down 3-0 and winning in the shootout with a broken neck.

Yeah, I could live with that.