Dealing with Mental Illness

[Needfull Thing]

Ok so, this will be sort of out of character for me but get over it.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Social Anxiety. I'm sure there are other little things wrong with me, but those are the big two.

I was first diagnosed with chronic depression at age 9. Thats right. Age 9. At age 16 I tried to kill myself and was checked into an in-house treatment center. I was diagnosed with major depression disorder.

At 23 I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

I've spent years off and on meds, in and out of therapy and even institutions. Mostly I just lived with it, trying to go to school, hold down jobs, pay bills and carry on relationships as if there were nothing wrong.

But one way or another it always got out of control and fell apart. I've never really been able to carry on a normal life because of those diseases.

If I miss a day of medication, I can fall so far down into the dark that it takes me great effort not to kill myself. And days to recover.

I'll talk more later about things I've learned and how I am now. But the purpose of this thread is to ask if there are others here brave enough to talk about their problems, or maybe the problems of someone close to you.

The silence is what will destroy us. The only way to defeat the demons is to talk about this stuff. Help me. Talk about it.

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

I've never been "diagnosed" professionally, though my mother could give a whole dissertation on what she feels is wrong with me. Since she really doesn't know me though she has no freaking clue. I started seeing a counselor today for the first time ever. Do I have issues, hell yes we all do, whether we want to admit it or not. Mine mostly stem from an inability to constructively let out my pent up negative feelings. Otherwise known as I have anger issues, but I go out of my way to avoid saying anything because I don't want to hurt the people around me that care about me. I wrote this today, it has no title, but hey nothings perfect right.

I stand quietly, alone in this place,
Because of you tears of pain and anger stream down my face.
How could you not have seen the changes in me,
That I was no longer the girl I was destined to be.

No one changes over night,
Yet you let me go on misbehaving without a fight.
I felt like you didn't see me and didn't care,
You are my mom why weren't you there.

How did you miss the signs staring you in the face,
While I stood alone feeling out of place.
You blew it off and left me be,
Instead of standing up and fighting for me.

Now all you want to do is fight,
Expecting me to forget the past over night.
You want me to take your advice and come back there,
I think it's too late, when you give your opinions I really don't care.

I stand strong and powerful in this place,
Because of MYSELF there is a smile on my face.
I've learned to be happy just being me,
No matter what you say there is no one else I'd rather be.

These changes didn't happen over night,
I spent years struggling, learning what's important enough to fight.
I still want you to care,
But I've learned that you'll never really be there.

You are too self absorbed to let me say this to your face,
So I write the words that are in my heart here in this place.
Angry, bitter, and vindictive is what you have come to be,
So I avoid you not wanting that for me.

Over petty childish things, I refuse to fight,
The choices I've made weren't done over night.
I can't be happy there,
But I want you to know that I'll always care.

I stand whole and happy in this place,
Tears of joy streaming down my face.
I know I'm strong and no one can break me,
And there's nothing more I need to be.

 

[julybaby04]

What an incredibly brave soul you are! You have such a fighting spirit! Look how far you have come since the age of 9...and especially 16. Whatever the level of the illness was at that time, it did not consume you! You are here, talking to friends....and I, for one, will be here to support you!

Very very impressed that you posted this!!!

 

[sweetpea24]

I also suffer from Depression and Anxiety, although it is very under control now. Counseling definitely helps, as well as having people you can talk to when you need someone. Anytime you need someone to listen, I am here.

 

[yooper829]

Ok so, this will be sort of out of character for me but get over it.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Social Anxiety. I'm sure there are other little things wrong with me, but those are the big two.

I was first diagnosed with chronic depression at age 9. Thats right. Age 9. At age 16 I tried to kill myself and was checked into an in-house treatment center. I was diagnosed with major depression disorder.

At 23 I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

I've spent years off and on meds, in and out of therapy and even institutions. Mostly I just lived with it, trying to go to school, hold down jobs, pay bills and carry on relationships as if there were nothing wrong.

But one way or another it always got out of control and fell apart. I've never really been able to carry on a normal life because of those diseases.

If I miss a day of medication, I can fall so far down into the dark that it takes me great effort not to kill myself. And days to recover.

I'll talk more later about things I've learned and how I am now. But the purpose of this thread is to ask if there are others here brave enough to talk about their problems, or maybe the problems of someone close to you.

The silence is what will destroy us. The only way to defeat the demons is to talk about this stuff. Help me. Talk about it.

Sent you a good luck

 

[newbiebabe]

I've never been "diagnosed" professionally, though my mother could give a whole dissertation on what she feels is wrong with me. Since she really doesn't know me though she has no freaking clue. I started seeing a counselor today for the first time ever. Do I have issues, hell yes we all do, whether we want to admit it or not. Mine mostly stem from an inability to constructively let out my pent up negative feelings. Otherwise known as I have anger issues, but I go out of my way to avoid saying anything because I don't want to hurt the people around me that care about me. I wrote this today, it has no title, but hey nothings perfect right.

I stand quietly, alone in this place,
Because of you tears of pain and anger stream down my face.
How could you not have seen the changes in me,
That I was no longer the girl I was destined to be.

No one changes over night,
Yet you let me go on misbehaving without a fight.
I felt like you didn't see me and didn't care,
You are my mom why weren't you there.

How did you miss the signs staring you in the face,
While I stood alone feeling out of place.
You blew it off and left me be,
Instead of standing up and fighting for me.

Now all you want to do is fight,
Expecting me to forget the past over night.
You want me to take your advice and come back there,
I think it's too late, when you give your opinions I really don't care.

I stand strong and powerful in this place,
Because of MYSELF there is a smile on my face.
I've learned to be happy just being me,
No matter what you say there is no one else I'd rather be.

These changes didn't happen over night,
I spent years struggling, learning what's important enough to fight.
I still want you to care,
But I've learned that you'll never really be there.

You are too self absorbed to let me say this to your face,
So I write the words that are in my heart here in this place.
Angry, bitter, and vindictive is what you have come to be,
So I avoid you not wanting that for me.

Over petty childish things, I refuse to fight,
The choices I've made weren't done over night.
I can't be happy there,
But I want you to know that I'll always care.

I stand whole and happy in this place,
Tears of joy streaming down my face.
I know I'm strong and no one can break me,
And there's nothing more I need to be.

Kuvi, that is a pretty powerful poem... thank you for sharing.

 

[85Ironman]

Ok so, this will be sort of out of character for me but get over it.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Social Anxiety. I'm sure there are other little things wrong with me, but those are the big two.

I was first diagnosed with chronic depression at age 9. Thats right. Age 9. At age 16 I tried to kill myself and was checked into an in-house treatment center. I was diagnosed with major depression disorder.

At 23 I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

I've spent years off and on meds, in and out of therapy and even institutions. Mostly I just lived with it, trying to go to school, hold down jobs, pay bills and carry on relationships as if there were nothing wrong.

But one way or another it always got out of control and fell apart. I've never really been able to carry on a normal life because of those diseases.

If I miss a day of medication, I can fall so far down into the dark that it takes me great effort not to kill myself. And days to recover.

I'll talk more later about things I've learned and how I am now. But the purpose of this thread is to ask if there are others here brave enough to talk about their problems, or maybe the problems of someone close to you.

The silence is what will destroy us. The only way to defeat the demons is to talk about this stuff. Help me. Talk about it.

I've flirted with and around depression and anxiety all my adult life. I've never been so far down I've considered taking my own life, but I have been where I really did not care if something happened to kill me. Now, I'm lucky enough that I can recognize it when its coming and deal with it preemptively.

I applaud your courage. Don't quit - don't give up - don't give in. You're tough enough to know to put out your call for help here. That means you're tough enough to stick with your meds and talk to the right people at the times when most needed. Keep hanging tough!

I've never been "diagnosed" professionally, though my mother could give a whole dissertation on what she feels is wrong with me. Since she really doesn't know me though she has no freaking clue. I started seeing a counselor today for the first time ever. Do I have issues, hell yes we all do, whether we want to admit it or not. Mine mostly stem from an inability to constructively let out my pent up negative feelings. Otherwise known as I have anger issues, but I go out of my way to avoid saying anything because I don't want to hurt the people around me that care about me. I wrote this today, it has no title, but hey nothings perfect right.

I stand quietly, alone in this place,
Because of you tears of pain and anger stream down my face.
How could you not have seen the changes in me,
That I was no longer the girl I was destined to be.

No one changes over night,
Yet you let me go on misbehaving without a fight.
I felt like you didn't see me and didn't care,
You are my mom why weren't you there.

How did you miss the signs staring you in the face,
While I stood alone feeling out of place.
You blew it off and left me be,
Instead of standing up and fighting for me.

Now all you want to do is fight,
Expecting me to forget the past over night.
You want me to take your advice and come back there,
I think it's too late, when you give your opinions I really don't care.

I stand strong and powerful in this place,
Because of MYSELF there is a smile on my face.
I've learned to be happy just being me,
No matter what you say there is no one else I'd rather be.

These changes didn't happen over night,
I spent years struggling, learning what's important enough to fight.
I still want you to care,
But I've learned that you'll never really be there.

You are too self absorbed to let me say this to your face,
So I write the words that are in my heart here in this place.
Angry, bitter, and vindictive is what you have come to be,
So I avoid you not wanting that for me.

Over petty childish things, I refuse to fight,
The choices I've made weren't done over night.
I can't be happy there,
But I want you to know that I'll always care.

I stand whole and happy in this place,
Tears of joy streaming down my face.
I know I'm strong and no one can break me,
And there's nothing more I need to be.

You are powerful. And you rock. And I'm lucky I met you.

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

reading this thread brought tears to my eyes - thanks Needfull for creating this thread - it is good to talk and share our feelings.
I'm not an expert or claim to know everything but if you need to share and talk I'm here - I work as a nurse and I do care and try to help .
One thing I have learned is to not let a diagnosis cripple me and limit me on what I can do for myself and my life.
Even when racked with disease and illness.... Life Is No Less Beautiful

 

[ivantheterrible]

dude, with my experience of therapy. its all bullshit.
i was once diagnosed at bi-polar. then years later diagnosed as schizophrenic.
well, one day i decided to be happy, to find what makes me happy. and be happy. with myself, how i fit in this world, with no excuses. when i did that, it all went away. all of it.
i am now diagnosed as "normal", what ever the hell that means.
find yourself. find your happiness. no matter if it falls outside what is considered "normal". what is important is YOU. then you can go from there.
free your mind and your ass will follow.

 

[Adrraiya]

This is an interesting thread.... not only in the original post, but in the open, caring, tender responses... and in the choice to open discussion on the topic of Mental Illness as an open post on Lit

I applaud your courage to stir-the-pot & get a discussion going

I was diagnosed with Major Depression in 2002... even as I had been sitting in a long-term Major Depressive episode since @ 1999

Even in seeing psychologists most of my adult life (due to abusive childhood, followed by abuse husband who almost killed me... etc.....)...... and even with the death of my father & a long list of other major life changes that all occurred at the same time (1999)..... even in seeing psychologist during all of those events & changes... it was difficult to diagnose until I ended up with a Total Nervous Breakdown.... why? because I had gotten so good at hiding anything other "strength and optimism" for so long that I seemed to being handling things better than I was... and with the visits in '99-'00-'01-and early '02 there was constant anxiety and there was even sadness... but the depression wasn't nearly as evident

in the early 90s, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder complicated by Panic Attacks... turned out what had looked like taccachardia was really my body trying to communicate and help me get treatment for GAD..... I finally had to go into more intense treatment for this along with the treatment for Major Depression in 2002..... lots of drugs to put the system down long enough to allow for healing & then taper down to maintenance dose

also in the early 90s I was diagnosed with PTSD.... at the time... I compartmentalized it.... seeing it as PRSD about certain things & GAD about others.... maybe it is & maybe it isn't something that can or should be compartmentalized....


The larger.... MUCH LARGER.... problem was that with the diagnosis of PTSD & GAD and my communication with my family..... simply an attempt to explain what was going on with me... why I needed some patience on their part led to me being labeled as "Crazy"..... Looking back, one of the reasons I hid things as deeply as I did is because I knew this would happen... I saw my family as kind & accepting of others, but with very little tolerance for family with mental illness... suddenly a form of pack-kill mentality takes hold

See, my family has a bunch of people (Mom, 2 of my sisters and myself) who have a keen interest in Psychology..... My Mom has a Minor in Pysch along with her Degree in Nursing... and even went further into Psych when pursuing an advanced degree.... one of my two sisters also has a minor in Psych along with a degree in Nursing.... and my other sister has her Master's in Psych... even me, my degree is in Psych used in a career of Advertising/Marketing/PR


My Mom's parents had been un-merciful towards her when she suffered from Depression (and, I believe PTSD) from the abuse sustained while married to my Dad.... when she finally broke free from 18 years of abuse, she went into @ 3 years of Major Depression..... from her parent's perspective, my Mom had become "a bad parent" and her mother even added "whale" because of my Mom's extreme weight gain (from @ 125 to @ 225 in less than a year due to eating large amounts of ice cream trying to soothe her PTSD).... adding insult to injury, my mom's mother called this "crazy"... and even as my mother finally pulled out of it, her mother referred to is as "not being crazy anymore"

Incidental, since all this happened with me in 2002... both of those sisters have also been diagnosed with PTSD (from childhood abuse)... one also with GAD..... and when I pointed out to them that these are the same diagnoses that I have... they both gave a resounding "You are crazy, you are Mentally Ill, I only have PTSD" type of response.....

So.... how can I be "Mentally Ill" (and with that Crazy) and them not be.... even with the same diagnoses?... I dare not point out to any of them that those illnesses are Mental Illnesses.... and that IF Mental Illness is tantamount to "Crazy" then they are equally crazy to me

One of the reasons that I am given no compassion or understanding by either of them is because I fell first.... I was the Matriach of my generation, I plummeted from that place when I had The Breakdown.... and when I fell it wasn't a small or mid-level fall it was a large fall... for each of them they sought treatment earlier in the manifestation of the illnesses & didn't have to suffer a system shut-down..... also, for both of them, the events in their adult life didn't include things like ex-husband who raped, stabbed & left for dead.....

Why am I rambling about all of this?

Well...... I think that there are many people who suffer in silence... who have no one to talk with... or, question the safety of speaking with people close to them.... Perhaps Here is a safer place....

It is wonderful that others here have shared their own stories with you... it is wonderful to see the support in the replies & to see that others here care to allow you the room to talk openly about it.... and to see the compassion

 

[SkyMoonAbove]

easier said then done ivan, not everyone on here is as wonderful as you.

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Kuvi, that is a pretty powerful poem... thank you for sharing.

Thank you newbiebabe.

I've flirted with and around depression and anxiety all my adult life. I've never been so far down I've considered taking my own life, but I have been where I really did not care if something happened to kill me. Now, I'm lucky enough that I can recognize it when its coming and deal with it preemptively.

I applaud your courage. Don't quit - don't give up - don't give in. You're tough enough to know to put out your call for help here. That means you're tough enough to stick with your meds and talk to the right people at the times when most needed. Keep hanging tough!



You are powerful. And you rock. And I'm lucky I met you.

If you ever need to talk IM, you know where to find me.

 

[Needfull Thing]

First off I want to thank from the bottom of my heart those who have replied to this thread with well wishes and support for me. I do appreciate it.

But this wasn't a call for help on my part so much as an attempt to make a place for those of us who struggle with these problems to post our experiences and insights for each other. A place to share and to learn and to teach.

Yooper I got your PM and it was heart warming. I think you should post it here to others as well. I know there is a stigma in being labeled as 'crazy' or mentally ill, as Addraiya pointed out in her post. This thread is a way to fight that.

We've all got issues. Some of us more than others...I personally think Ivan has more issues than Cosmo, but hey, if the boot straps method really helped him, awesome. One method wont work for everyone however.

It has been my experience that therapists don't help as much as others who suffer themselves do. So..post your experiences here, post what you fight against and how you fight it. Maybe by posting how you deal with your problems, someone else here might get another idea they never had before.

Oh and to keep this thread still in style for Lit...any ladies who want to help me with my depression in a 'hands-on' manner...I'm free. I'm even easy.

 

[Adrraiya]

dude, with my experience of therapy. its all bullshit.
i was once diagnosed at bi-polar. then years later diagnosed as schizophrenic.
well, one day i decided to be happy, to find what makes me happy. and be happy. with myself, how i fit in this world, with no excuses. when i did that, it all went away. all of it.
i am now diagnosed as "normal", what ever the hell that means.
find yourself. find your happiness. no matter if it falls outside what is considered "normal". what is important is YOU. then you can go from there.
free your mind and your ass will follow.

Ivan... I just gotta say.... "suck it up & be happy, no excuses" was the "Treatment" for depression in the 50s..... it worked for a very small percentage of the depressed patients (you fall in that small percent).... and if that is all it took for you to no longer be depressed, then you need to Thank Your Higher Power... as that is a relatively simple solution & puts you "in control"... in your case you could choose to think happy thoughts, find the happy things & be happy.... (and with that you can also choose to NOT be happy)

The problem is that this "treatment" for depression doesn't work for over 90%..... why? because for the majority of patients dealing with depression it is BRAIN CHEMISTRY that is "Unbalanced"... even combination of Medication & CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy... sometimes like your version) often times doesn't work


I am happy for you that it worked for you..... and I think most anyone on Lit who has read your posts will agree with you that you are "Not Normal"... and that includes your experience with how to "Fix" Depression

 

[Beth87]

Funnily enough I've struggled to get a diagnosis. Doctors where I live are pretty reluctant to label people with anything unless it is one of the bigger mental illnesses that require inpatient help or something.

I've battled an eating disorder since I was about 7 years old. Started off anorexic and it morphed into bulimia during my teens. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 16 years old and put on some useless meds because I was self harming.

They didnt know about my suicide attempts. I have probably tried to kill myself about 8 times (one of which nearly got me admitted to psych hospital)..im clearly not very good at it I got diagnosed with complex PTSD last year - finally! And that meant they stopped trying to find out what was wrong with my personality and started working on helping me recover from my traumas.

Im in a better place now. I still struggle with wanting to hurt myself. But I take my meds like I am supposed to and I go to therapy. I've stopped trying to numb all my feelings and instead face them head on - i believe it is the only way to heal. I use online support forums that specifically relate to the traumas I have endured. They help me move forward.

Sending gentle hugs your way hunni

 

[Needfull Thing]

Funnily enough I've struggled to get a diagnosis. Doctors where I live are pretty reluctant to label people with anything unless it is one of the bigger mental illnesses that require inpatient help or something.

I've battled an eating disorder since I was about 7 years old. Started off anorexic and it morphed into bulimia during my teens. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 16 years old and put on some useless meds because I was self harming.

They didnt know about my suicide attempts. I have probably tried to kill myself about 8 times (one of which nearly got me admitted to psych hospital)..im clearly not very good at it I got diagnosed with complex PTSD last year - finally! And that meant they stopped trying to find out what was wrong with my personality and started working on helping me recover from my traumas.

Im in a better place now. I still struggle with wanting to hurt myself. But I take my meds like I am supposed to and I go to therapy. I've stopped trying to numb all my feelings and instead face them head on - i believe it is the only way to heal. I use online support forums that specifically relate to the traumas I have endured. They help me move forward.

Sending gentle hugs your way hunni

*gives Beth a biiiiiigg BIIIIG BIIIGGG HUG!*

Thank you for being brave enough to post this here. And I agree...you have to give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Lying to yourself and others about how happy you are will kill you. Be honest with yourself and start from there. Its the only way that works for me.

 

[Daizie]

I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. I have no idea where they came from or why they started but something in my brain just went out of sync. I have been taking meds to keep myself "stable" for the past 10 or so years. Whatever helps you deal in the best, most healthy possible way. Love and hugs to all.

 

[Beth87]

*gives Beth a biiiiiigg BIIIIG BIIIGGG HUG!*

Thank you for being brave enough to post this here. And I agree...you have to give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Lying to yourself and others about how happy you are will kill you. Be honest with yourself and start from there. Its the only way that works for me.

Aww thanks for the hugs

My friend seems quite capable of burying everything in a lock box. I cant do that. I sometimes wish I could but I think eventually I will be stronger than she is. Because I have faced my fears and survived them. People always think surviving a trauma in the moment it happens is the worst bit...I dont necessarily believe so. Surviving the memories and all the self blame can be just as difficult if not more so!!

 

[Adrraiya]

Okay.... how I deal with it....

well, I hate to tell you that for me it did take 1 part of the same method that worked for Ivan

what has worked for me is sorta like a recipe

1 part sharing.. hearing what others are dealing with... it puts many things in perspective when someone openly shares what they are going thru and how they are doing... borrowing ideas and inspiration from each other along the way

1 part being a tea-bag... and this sorta goes with an Ivan type of thinking also, if it didn't kill you, then it might make you stronger (often true, sometimes not)... so how is this being a tea-bag?..... an old lady told me many years ago "We are all like Tea-Bags for a cup of tea... if ya meant to be stronger than you are in hotter water longer"..... and that analogy has helped me through some of my toughest times...

1 part in-process between Catapiller & Butterfly...... a butterfly starts out as a Catapiller.... that Catapiller must first become good at being a catapiller before it builds it's cacoon... and then endures the most un-real total transformation to become a Butterfly... I wonder, if we would ever be able to ask the Butterfly just one question "Did it hurt to be re-made from catapiller to butterfly?".... I know the process is causing me great pain, but I gotta say that the Freedom to Fly seems like it might be worth going thru the process

1 part pulling up the bootstraps... I will NEVER forget... sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I was stuck in a wheelchair for a long while after an auto accident, in huge amounts of physical pain... and no one seemed to believe I would ever make it out of that wheelchair..... and I met one of the member of the US para-Olympic wheelchair rugby (also called MurderBall) team.... he gave me a "Suck-It-Up and Get-Over-Yourself and Deal-With-It speach that sticks in my mind as if we had that conversation yesterday.... "You can sit around thinking woulda, coulda, shoulda, mighta, oughta or you can ACCEPT that things are the way they are & find ways to make the best you can of it".... and for him... being the person in the wheelchair who is quadraplegic to school me in such a way.... really stung me for a few weeks.... and the, slowly but surely it began to inspire me.... and the inspiration motivated me to look for different solutions and to work towards acceptance of myself regardless of the situation


,..... so much to add to this... I am in a really wordy mood..... I gotta figure out how to streamline line this a bit to make the communication more effective and to not monopolize the thread.... someone else's turn .............

 

[Adrraiya]

Funnily enough I've struggled to get a diagnosis. Doctors where I live are pretty reluctant to label people with anything unless it is one of the bigger mental illnesses that require inpatient help or something.

I've battled an eating disorder since I was about 7 years old. Started off anorexic and it morphed into bulimia during my teens. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 16 years old and put on some useless meds because I was self harming.

They didnt know about my suicide attempts. I have probably tried to kill myself about 8 times (one of which nearly got me admitted to psych hospital)..im clearly not very good at it I got diagnosed with complex PTSD last year - finally! And that meant they stopped trying to find out what was wrong with my personality and started working on helping me recover from my traumas.

Im in a better place now. I still struggle with wanting to hurt myself. But I take my meds like I am supposed to and I go to therapy. I've stopped trying to numb all my feelings and instead face them head on - i believe it is the only way to heal. I use online support forums that specifically relate to the traumas I have endured. They help me move forward.

Sending gentle hugs your way hunni

Beth, this is a touching story.... partially because it reminds me so much of Amy... a neighbor of mine.... I am guessing that the 87 in your name might correspond to the year you were born... Amy is just a couple of years older than you are... and your description sounds so much like her

But more importantly... because you are so open & I am so encouraged that you are in a better place now... and I believe you are right about not numbing & face your feelings (I found the same to be true of me as well)

 

[Adrraiya]

I've never been "diagnosed" professionally, though my mother could give a whole dissertation on what she feels is wrong with me. Since she really doesn't know me though she has no freaking clue. I started seeing a counselor today for the first time ever. Do I have issues, hell yes we all do, whether we want to admit it or not. Mine mostly stem from an inability to constructively let out my pent up negative feelings. Otherwise known as I have anger issues, but I go out of my way to avoid saying anything because I don't want to hurt the people around me that care about me. I wrote this today, it has no title, but hey nothings perfect right.

I stand quietly, alone in this place,
Because of you tears of pain and anger stream down my face.
How could you not have seen the changes in me,
That I was no longer the girl I was destined to be.

No one changes over night,
Yet you let me go on misbehaving without a fight.
I felt like you didn't see me and didn't care,
You are my mom why weren't you there.

How did you miss the signs staring you in the face,
While I stood alone feeling out of place.
You blew it off and left me be,
Instead of standing up and fighting for me.

Now all you want to do is fight,
Expecting me to forget the past over night.
You want me to take your advice and come back there,
I think it's too late, when you give your opinions I really don't care.

I stand strong and powerful in this place,
Because of MYSELF there is a smile on my face.
I've learned to be happy just being me,
No matter what you say there is no one else I'd rather be.

These changes didn't happen over night,
I spent years struggling, learning what's important enough to fight.
I still want you to care,
But I've learned that you'll never really be there.

You are too self absorbed to let me say this to your face,
So I write the words that are in my heart here in this place.
Angry, bitter, and vindictive is what you have come to be,
So I avoid you not wanting that for me.

Over petty childish things, I refuse to fight,
The choices I've made weren't done over night.
I can't be happy there,
But I want you to know that I'll always care.

I stand whole and happy in this place,
Tears of joy streaming down my face.
I know I'm strong and no one can break me,
And there's nothing more I need to be.

Kuvi, I hesitated to respond to you..... there are so many chords you struck with me in your poem that I was speechless to be able to respond & I still can't find the means to communicate.... Thank You!

 

[sereneone4u]

Thank you Needful, for starting this thread.

Another thank you to those posting support and to share.

Several here know that I suffer from depression. While I have shared in private, I do not think I have shared on the boards.

Nice to have a place to share the struggles.

 

[Adrraiya]

Aww thanks for the hugs

My friend seems quite capable of burying everything in a lock box. I cant do that. I sometimes wish I could but I think eventually I will be stronger than she is. Because I have faced my fears and survived them. People always think surviving a trauma in the moment it happens is the worst bit...I dont necessarily believe so. Surviving the memories and all the self blame can be just as difficult if not more so!!

Beth... you are 100% correct

the reason that I had a total system crash was because I was just like your friend... It all went into a box.... the big problem is what happens when the box has no more room for stuffing things away & starts to blow open?

A therapist spent many years trying to get me to talk (over 10 years) & open up & not put things in a box..... and attempted to warn me of the eventual outcome... he even jokingly referred to me as "Battleship"... in this group we will dub out my real name for my screen name.... he called me "Battleship Adrraiya"....... and, he pointed out, that any battleship can only sustain so much damage before it explodes or sinks

and, it did.... sometimes that lock box is good to have as a temporary measure to get thru an immediate crisis... but it unwise & unsafe to allow anything to stay in the box... ya gotta open the lid, let it out, take a look at those contents at a safe distance & then work them back outa that box

You keep doing all that you are because you are on the right track!!! GO BETH

 

[Beth87]

Okay.... how I deal with it....

well, I hate to tell you that for me it did take 1 part of the same method that worked for Ivan

what has worked for me is sorta like a recipe

1 part sharing.. hearing what others are dealing with... it puts many things in perspective when someone openly shares what they are going thru and how they are doing... borrowing ideas and inspiration from each other along the way

1 part being a tea-bag... and this sorta goes with an Ivan type of thinking also, if it didn't kill you, then it might make you stronger (often true, sometimes not)... so how is this being a tea-bag?..... an old lady told me many years ago "We are all like Tea-Bags for a cup of tea... if ya meant to be stronger than you are in hotter water longer"..... and that analogy has helped me through some of my toughest times...

1 part in-process between Catapiller & Butterfly...... a butterfly starts out as a Catapiller.... that Catapiller must first become good at being a catapiller before it builds it's cacoon... and then endures the most un-real total transformation to become a Butterfly... I wonder, if we would ever be able to ask the Butterfly just one question "Did it hurt to be re-made from catapiller to butterfly?".... I know the process is causing me great pain, but I gotta say that the Freedom to Fly seems like it might be worth going thru the process

1 part pulling up the bootstraps... I will NEVER forget... sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I was stuck in a wheelchair for a long while after an auto accident, in huge amounts of physical pain... and no one seemed to believe I would ever make it out of that wheelchair..... and I met one of the member of the US para-Olympic wheelchair rugby (also called MurderBall) team.... he gave me a "Suck-It-Up and Get-Over-Yourself and Deal-With-It speach that sticks in my mind as if we had that conversation yesterday.... "You can sit around thinking woulda, coulda, shoulda, mighta, oughta or you can ACCEPT that things are the way they are & find ways to make the best you can of it".... and for him... being the person in the wheelchair who is quadraplegic to school me in such a way.... really stung me for a few weeks.... and the, slowly but surely it began to inspire me.... and the inspiration motivated me to look for different solutions and to work towards acceptance of myself regardless of the situation


,..... so much to add to this... I am in a really wordy mood..... I gotta figure out how to streamline line this a bit to make the communication more effective and to not monopolize the thread.... someone else's turn .............

I love the tea bag analogy

I think sometimes it takes a bootstraps speech. I had one when I was 19 and living in supported accommodation for the homeless. Back when I nearly got hospitalised for suicidal crap I came back home and the next day my support worker came to me and basically said - if you die you're letting them b****ds win (she didnt mince her words lol)

At first I was rebelling what she said..angry that she suggested I was letting them win. But then I saw the truth in her words. It took me a couple of years to truly get out of the pit I was in..but it helped.

Beth, this is a touching story.... partially because it reminds me so much of Amy... a neighbor of mine.... I am guessing that the 87 in your name might correspond to the year you were born... Amy is just a couple of years older than you are... and your description sounds so much like her

But more importantly... because you are so open & I am so encouraged that you are in a better place now... and I believe you are right about not numbing & face your feelings (I found the same to be true of me as well)

Thank you

87 is my birth year There are days where I want to just give up..when I get sick of having to face up to my past..but I am kind of stubborn too so it keeps me going.

Thank you fro sharing your story hun

 

[Beth87]

I never had a lock box...my method of survival was more a denial of what happened. My depression started when I was about 12/13 and I started self harming. I was being abused but I didnt know it..which probably doesnt make sense to many people..like how can you not know? But it is possible.

So anyways I would get asked over and over why I was hurting myself and I just didnt know. I thought I was just crazy, messed up. And then one day it hit me like a brick wall. And boy did it hurt!

I still struggle with not denying things that happen. A good defence mechanism for a short while..much like the lock box..but the feelings are all still there waiting to explode out one day.