Dealing with long-distance (poly) relationships

[Bramblethorn]

For the last two weeks I've been visiting my sweetie in the USA. We didn't get as much quality time as either of us would've liked (she has work and other commitments that don't stop just because I'm in town) but what we did get was great. I got used to sleeping with my arm around her, and I met her new partner, who's lovely.

Now I'm on my way back home, more than ten thousand miles away. We're not likely to see one another again before 2015. We'll keep in touch online, but it's not the same, and already I'm missing her badly.

I'm looking forwards to seeing my partner again, and I know she'll be supportive. But still feeling sad, and I don't want to dump too much on her; I get a bit high-maintenance when I'm pining after somebody.

Anybody have experience in this sort of situation? Any thoughts? I'm sure I'll feel better once I settle back into life at home, but right now it feels hard.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Gotta wonder how come neither of you can find love close to home.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Gotta wonder how come neither of you can find love close to home.

Gotta wonder how you got that understanding from my post. I'd have thought the word "poly" and "met her new partner" would've given a clue.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Gotta wonder how you got that understanding from my post. I'd have thought the word "poly" and "met her new partner" would've given a clue.

All I know is what you post.

 

[stickygirl]

I'm in no position to advise someone with your experience, but I do know looking back at love-lost makes a pain inside whose colour is almost pleasant, but then it sucks you down like quicksand. The longer you look back, the harder the fight back out. But hey - you know all that stuff and I'm sounding like my mother

 

[CBM514]

For the last two weeks I've been visiting my sweetie in the USA. We didn't get as much quality time as either of us would've liked (she has work and other commitments that don't stop just because I'm in town) but what we did get was great. I got used to sleeping with my arm around her, and I met her new partner, who's lovely.

Now I'm on my way back home, more than ten thousand miles away. We're not likely to see one another again before 2015. We'll keep in touch online, but it's not the same, and already I'm missing her badly.

I'm looking forwards to seeing my partner again, and I know she'll be supportive. But still feeling sad, and I don't want to dump too much on her; I get a bit high-maintenance when I'm pining after somebody.

Anybody have experience in this sort of situation? Any thoughts? I'm sure I'll feel better once I settle back into life at home, but right now it feels hard.

With all due respect to your relationship with her, if she has a new partner and you won't see her for several years, is it worth maintaining the relationship? What is left to be gained and how much energy can she put into it to make it feel real enough for you?

I've done long distance on deployments for a year at a time, one didn't work out and but the last one did...she is now my bride and stuck with me the whole time...it can be tough but is definitely possible if both want it and are committed...just not sure for what you have written that is the case?

 

[COCK_STAR]

Gotta wonder how come neither of you can find love close to home.

Good call

 

[Emerson40]

Gotta wonder how come neither of you can find love close to home.

Good call

Hey look, the old goat brought his wee bird, Ca-Cawk Tard.

 

[COCK_STAR]

I bet you have been waiting for the perfect moment to use that picture. Congratulations on being semi-funny. Keep bringing the hate. I don't even have to be an asshole anymore to blow up a thread. The weak do it for me.

 

[Emerson40]

For the last two weeks I've been visiting my sweetie in the USA. We didn't get as much quality time as either of us would've liked (she has work and other commitments that don't stop just because I'm in town) but what we did get was great. I got used to sleeping with my arm around her, and I met her new partner, who's lovely.

Now I'm on my way back home, more than ten thousand miles away. We're not likely to see one another again before 2015. We'll keep in touch online, but it's not the same, and already I'm missing her badly.

I'm looking forwards to seeing my partner again, and I know she'll be supportive. But still feeling sad, and I don't want to dump too much on her; I get a bit high-maintenance when I'm pining after somebody.

Anybody have experience in this sort of situation? Any thoughts? I'm sure I'll feel better once I settle back into life at home, but right now it feels hard.

Long distance relationships - poly or otherwise - can be difficult. The fact that you are mindful of the impact on your partner is praiseworthy, and if she's as supportive of you as you are of her, she'll help you through it.

I would suggest getting back into your routines and familiar rhythms as soon as you get home. For the next little while at least, keep a busy calendar. Idle hands being the devil's workshop...

Good luck

 

[COCK_STAR]

Yes! Now that is some passion my friend. Do you think about me often?

 

[Bramblethorn]

With all due respect to your relationship with her, if she has a new partner and you won't see her for several years, is it worth maintaining the relationship? What is left to be gained and how much energy can she put into it to make it feel real enough for you?

I've done long distance on deployments for a year at a time, one didn't work out and but the last one did...she is now my bride and stuck with me the whole time...it can be tough but is definitely possible if both want it and are committed...just not sure for what you have written that is the case?

Good question, certainly worth asking.

She and I have been involved for around twelve years. At one stage I wasn't sure whether we were still lovers or had drifted into "good friend with history" (we both had a lot of other stuff to deal with, and being long-distance and non-exclusive we didn't actually need to work things out at the time) but at the very least we've been close friends. She's supported me through a lot of crap, and I've tried to do likewise for her. The new partner has been on the scene a bit over a year now, so I'm not expecting things to change suddenly on that account, and she was with her previous partner for the first 6 years or so of our relationship.

When we're apart, it's usually a pretty low-key relationship. I think if we'd been monogamous I would've had difficulty with that level of relationship; I like having somebody around. But I've been living with my partner for 15 years now so that's not an issue. The part I find difficult is making that transition back from sharing a bed and seeing one another every day to having nothing but online contact for a couple of years.

I have mentioned that I'd like to 'see' a bit more of her (e.g. setting up regular chat-dates rather than communicating mostly through Twitter as we currently do) and she seemed agreeable to that, so hoping that'll help. And we do little things like send one another surprise packages, which really makes a difference.

So, yeah, it is an important relationship for me and worth the time/effort investment.

 

[NightL]

I don't even have to be an asshole anymore to blow up a thread. The weak do it for me.

While others enjoy being positively attentive to those around, are you really so lonely that you feel being negatively provocative is your only chance of engagement?

Here you go... you need a big hug.

 

[CBM514]

Distance is hard but I'm sure having multiple relationships is even harder...honestly if you both have a primary relationship and your secondary is LD with occasional contact on social media I think you have just a friendship, you may be better off for your own peace of mind calling it that and focusing on each of your SO's...just my opinion...

 

[Bramblethorn]

Distance is hard but I'm sure having multiple relationships is even harder...

It is and it isn't. It takes some multi-tasking, but it removes the expectation that one relationship is going to meet all your emotional or physical needs, and that opens up a lot of options that wouldn't be viable in monogamy. And those relationships can bolster one another - I probably wouldn't have made the trip this year without my partner's encouragement to spend some time with my sweetie.

honestly if you both have a primary relationship and your secondary is LD with occasional contact on social media I think you have just a friendship, you may be better off for your own peace of mind calling it that and focusing on each of your SO's...just my opinion...

Not really 'occasional contact'; we're in touch pretty often, just that a lot of it's been limited to 140-character chunks. Which is still enough to leave somebody blushing and distracted all day, but we agreed that it'd be nice to talk more often. At this point there's definitely a relationship there that we both want to continue, just that it isn't paced like a conventional NDR, and that takes some getting used to.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've just seen this. *sigh* Relationships are hard work, long distance is even harder work. I hope you can find more time for each other but you know, it seems you've gone quite the distance together already, I am sure this is just a bit of "coming down" after your time together and you will make it continue to work. If it's what you both want, you're probably in for another 12 years together.

Emerson's wise.... keep busy, get back into your "day to day."

Thanks Yeah, I think we're in it for the long haul, and the relationship is stronger for this visit. We worked out a few things that needed to be dealt with (communication etc) and built up some pleasant memories. We're both looking forwards to another visit in 2015... it's just that goodbyes are the sucky part of a relationship so I'm likely to be down for a little while. (That, and the likelihood that I'll get home to an unwelcome political development.)

And yeah, I expect getting back to 3 weeks of work email will provide some distraction

 

[HereKumsKatie]

* * * * * * * * * *

 

[blulilacgrl]

Whenever I am missing somebody, I try to find something I can do for them. A craft or project or something that will keep my brain preoccupied and my hands busy. It passes the time and at the end of it I have something to send them.

Good luck to you.

 

[Noor]

I understand and it's like anything else, you just have to get back into your normal daily routine again.

I would like to rant a bit against the assumption that all poly relationships have a primary relationship.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm sorry you're coming home to a shitty new Australia. It's a worry where this will go.

Yeah, not really the news I wanted to hear when the plane landed this morning :-/

 

[prettyserpentine]

Hey, I just wanted to lend my support. I'm in an LDR too (I'm in Ireland, he's in USA) so I know it's tough. Just saw this thread and thought I'd say hi and let you know you aren't the only one.

 

[njlauren]

I can't claim to know about poly relationships or long distance ones, all I can offer is my support and best wishes. I think what you are talking about, using chat and such, is a way to do it (or maybe video chat over skype??). It isn't the same thing as waking up with someone, but it is a way to bridge the distance I would think. Having has to make serious decisions with my own relationship, give up things that probably are no less painful, what I do is try to focus on what I do have, what hasn't been lost, it still hurts, but focusing on what I do have helps assuage the pain of the part that is missing. Your partner seems like a good soul from what I know about you, and I suspect that they know what you must be feeling (I don't recall if your partner is poly as well....is so, then they probably do), and they can act as your anchor, kind of like the old song "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with" *smile*..seriously, focusing on what you have with your partner, the things they bring, may help with what you are missing

 

[CoyoteTales]

One of the best bits of wisdom I can offer on this is 'did you enjoy yourself while you were there, and if the opportunity to see each other sooner would come up, would you jump at the chance?'

Coyote teaches that some relationships are the kind where you go to someone; others, are where the other person comes to you. "It's like the sea," she says, "...the tide comes in, lifts all boats and your spirits, and then sometimes it goes out leaving a beach full of sharp shells and rocks that hurts to walk across while the sea recedes." But ...time and tides wait for no man or woman, and so sometimes the best of intentions and hopeful wishful thinking can't make the next trip any closer.

If you miss her, it's a GOOD thing. It's a sign that there's something there still for you and her. If she misses you right back... then you know it's mutual love, and pining is just fine. Just maybe not to the one ya live with/near.

You shouldn't burden your local partner with the wibbly-wobbly-piney-whineys (sorry, I'm a Whovian) overmuch unless that person plays the role of emotional support in your life. The point is that you went to visit someone, but you're coming home to them -- and to miss someone else while you're with them is asking for comparisons and jealousy.

A poly relationship is about sharing time, experience, and consent. It's about expressing your affection for someone while you're with them, and keeping the contact in whatever way works best when you aren't. If you can't find a common bond without the sex, then they're just a friend-with-benefits. If you miss someone and you have honest feelings for them, then they're in a relationship, and should and can be treated like the long distance relationship it is.

Make a point to spend time together, via Skype, Google Hangouts, e-mails and random notes during the times the other is asleep, and just little reminders that you're thinking of them when you do it.

<shrugs> Coyote drops people in my path who I get along famously with, where I'm halfway across the country. Sometimes it's been a blessing, because it let me get to know them before I rushed into something I would have regretted later. You learn people's minds better when you aren't distracted by your hormones wanting to be fed, and you find out just who can carry out a running conversation after you run out of Twenty Questions.

I'm a veteran of multiple long distance relationships, some of them longer than others, and I wouldn't trade any of those experiences in for the world.

Hope this helps...
CT

 

[Bramblethorn]

One of the best bits of wisdom I can offer on this is 'did you enjoy yourself while you were there, and if the opportunity to see each other sooner would come up, would you jump at the chance?'

Very much. The visit turned out to be a bit less "happy fun times" and a bit more "doing groundwork" than I'd expected, which I think is a healthy thing but also a little frustrating.

If you miss her, it's a GOOD thing. It's a sign that there's something there still for you and her. If she misses you right back... then you know it's mutual love, and pining is just fine. Just maybe not to the one ya live with/near.

You shouldn't burden your local partner with the wibbly-wobbly-piney-whineys (sorry, I'm a Whovian) overmuch unless that person plays the role of emotional support in your life. The point is that you went to visit someone, but you're coming home to them -- and to miss someone else while you're with them is asking for comparisons and jealousy.

Yep, that one's a bit of a balancing act. I'm aiming for "yeah, I'm pining a bit, but thank you VERY MUCH for supporting and encouraging this, and poke me if I'm getting too distracted by it."

I've had quite a lot of experience with poly LDR, but each relationship is different and I'm still learning my way around this one. (Doesn't help that one previous LDR imploded messily, and I get twitchy in certain situations even when intellectually I know this is a different relationship with different rules.)

 

[Noor]

Make a point to spend time together, via Skype, Google Hangouts, e-mails and random notes during the times the other is asleep, and just little reminders that you're thinking of them when you do it.

This is a good thing for all long distance relationships.