Dealing with Aspergers

[cowboy5]

Hey everyone,

first off, thanks for all the help you gave me on my last dilema - things are going much better between us now.

I am writing today to get something off my chest and see how you can maybe give me a hand.

I am almost 23 (birthday next week) and I have aspergers - as does my dad.
This has come up again due to the start of a new university semester where my classmates are new. This makes me uncomfortable since I KNOW my conversation skills are not exactly good and I don't like going out with loud noisy crowds. Someone will start a conversation with me and all I can do is monosyllabic answers.
The thing is, I realise I should be saying things back, but I just don't. I also cannot do small talk. I think this annoys most people since it seems I am jumping straight to the point and not bothering to 'chat'.
I have also moved into a new house with some people I know and I think it is annoying them when they have friends over in the lounge. Normally if people come round to socialise in our living room I will go to my room to study in private.
I also do not really like to be touched. One of my housemates is quite forward and touches me a lot when he talks to me. I don't think he is gay (it's not an issue for me) but I don't want to make him upset since he thinks he is being friendly.

As a child this really annoyed my mom and she tried a LOT to make me talk to people who would come over to the house. I thought I had got over it when I was about 20 and would push myself to talk with everyone - the classic way to get over being shy was the solution for me too

Does anyone here have any ideas to help me learn to small talk with new people and overcome Aspergers?

Thanks

 

[KarennaC]

I can empathize with you, Cowboy. I don't have Asperger's myself, or at least was never diagnosed with it, but I had to be taught "small talk" and other social skills that most people seem to take for granted. My high school/college best male friend actually sat down with me over the course of a few weeks and gave me what he called small talk lessons.

This might work for you as well. Find a family member or friend who you trust and are comfortable with, and ask them to role-play social situations with you. Practice chatting about the weather, asking people about their jobs and classes, and so on. For my 11-year-old daughter, who has been diagnosed with Asperger's, I sat down with her and brainstormed social skills and situations that she recognized as struggles for her, and we wrote little "social stories" about them, which she keeps in a binder and refers to when she needs to. (For example, one is about how to ask other kids if she can join a game, so if she's going to the park and knows other kids will be there, she reads that story to herself before she goes, just to remind herself of what she can do and say if she wants to play with someone.)

I don't know if you need or want to go so far as to have a reference binder like that, but practicing in a low-pressure situation could be helpful to you.

It's too bad that your shy behavior annoyed your mother. There isn't anything wrong with being shy or not wanting to hang around for idle chatter with people you barely know. In some situations, you have to deal with the idle chatter, but in others, in my opinion it's perfectly okay to shut yourself in your room after a few minutes of "Hi, how are you".

You say you *think* your housemates are annoyed by you. Have they actually told you they are, or are you just assuming? I wouldn't think they would be, unless you've been blatantly rude to them or their friends. Do they know that you have Aspergers, or that you're uncomfortable in social situations and don't like to be touched? If you're going to share a house with them, you need to advocate for yourself. You don't necessarily have to tell them you have Aspergers if you aren't comfortable letting them in on that, but you certainly have the right to be comfortable in your home, so you have every right to say to them, "I don't mean to be rude when you have friends over, I just feel uncomfortable sitting in on your conversation, so that's why I go to my room" or "I'd really prefer it if you didn't touch me when you talk to me; I don't like having people touch me." Those are things they need to know to be able to live with you, and once you've explained it, I sincerely doubt they'd have a problem with you. If they do, then they need some major education on dealing with other humans.

We moved to a new town in June, and there's a cluster of girls about the same age as my daughter living on our street. Sometimes when she plays with them, she isn't sure how to join the game or what the rules are, and she's afraid to ask. Sometimes she gets really frustrated and yells at them. I helped her explain to them that she has trouble sometimes knowing what to do when she's playing with other kids, and I explained to two of the other moms that she has Aspergers and what that means in terms of social skills. No one was annoyed; the moms and the kids were glad that we'd explained, and now the kids, on their own initiative, assign a "buddy" to teach my daughter the rules of any game she joins in on, and if she gets frustrated one of the kids very calmly says to her, "You're too mad to play right now, why don't you come back when you calm down?" And when she goes back, they accept her right back into the group as though nothing happened. (I do remind her to apologize to them, and she's gotten good at that; yelling just plain isn't acceptable in our home.) Point is, if your housemates and other people you associate with regularly are informed of why you might sometimes seem antisocial, they're more likely to understand and accept that you're just you. Speaking up for yourself that way will also help you when you look for work, if you need certain accomodations or need to be taught the tasks of a job in a certain way, and will help improve your speaking skills in general.

This is a really long post, but it's coming from someone who has social skills problems herself, has a daughter with Aspergers, and has a background as a special education teacher including working with kids with social skills issues, so I hope at least some of it is helpful to you. If you have any questions or if I can help you out in any way, please feel free to private-message me.

Good luck!

 

[timy756]

I find Aspergers easier to work with when surrounded by special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun.

Just my two cents

 

[silverwhisper]

cowboy, have you considered investigating a group such as toastmasters? while their focus is public speaking and the constraints that go with it, i've known several people who swear by the results they've gotten from such groups just in terms of the ability to make small talk, etc.

re: the housemate who's touchy-feely: have you considered saying to him, "dude, i'm kinda not comfortable with that with anyone, it's nothing personal?"

also, have you considered finding an asperger's support group?

ed

 

[gigi1968]

Cowboy, KarrenaC gave you some excellent advise. Both my son and nephew have Asperger's. My son is a teenager and we are currently having the same issues with him. A couple of really great teachers have assigned him a "buddy" to help him understand the "niceties" that he was lacking, so that his peers would understand him better.

My nephew on the other hand is only 6 at this time. My brother has learned from our experiences and has been very proactive on his son's social experiences so that by the time he reaches high school, socially he should comprehend some of the finer points a little better.

Just be open with at least one of your room mates. They may be able to come up with a phrase to cue you or gesture to help you think about how to handle the situation. I also agree with Karrena that role play may help as well.

Good Luck. Just remember, you can do it.

 

[bobinks2]

I don't know if this will be any help or not, but...

My son't first grade teacher thought he had Asbergers. He doesn't, but I read a lot about it trying to figure out what I'm dealing with.

My understanding is that people on the Asbergers spectrum tend to intrepret everything said literally. People with the gift of gab have a much looser interpretation of things.

For example, someone at your university might say something like, "Our school football team really sucks." That's just a statement, not a question. A person with Asbergers wouldn't respond because there was no question asked. Statements don't need to be commented on.

On the other hand, someone with the gift for gab would launch into a long tirade, something like, "Your'e not kidding, they're terrible. They need to fire the coach. They need to get rid of the first team...blah, blah, blah" Next thing you know, these two strangers are shuckin' and jivin', carrying on for a good thirty minutes to an hour in response to a short statement. They just seem to hit it off.

A person with Asbergers would just look at them blankly after the first statement and the conversation would never start.

You might try to be more aware of odd statements that people seem to make out of the blue. It probably means that they want to start a conversation on that topic. In the example above, regardless of whether or not you know anything about the school football team, you might say, "They really are bad. What do you think they should do to fix it?" If you don't know enough about the statement to argue, agree with them and then turn their statement into a question back at them and then watch out. They'll likely go off on a rant.

The best way to become a good converstionalist is to get people talking about themselves. Most people really don't care about anyone but themselves. They love talking about themselves. It's amazingly easy to get people to talk about themselves. Just ask them about whatever they mention.

If someone asks you, "So, have you been on any vacations lately?" The last thing they want is to hear about YOUR vacation. They want to talk about THEIR vacation.

There are a number of good books on how to start and continure a converstaion. You can probably get some at your library.

 

[ketalia]

Hi.

Aspergian here.

I haven't gotten around the small talk thing either. I think I would probably pretty introverted anyway even if I wasn't Aspergian, but I still suck at small talk. One thing I did was learning about local subjects and trying to memorize cues for them. Like one of my neighbors is in the local symphony orchestra and has a garden. So I looked up the symphony concert schedule and read up on all the stuff they're doing this year. This way, if I get stuck when I'm talking to her I can say "do you like the Bach or the Mahler better?" or ask her something about that. I also went to some of their summer concerts in the park which are easier on me than regular concerts. I don't like sitting so close to people I don't know, so concert halls and theaters are hard to do. Or I can ask her about her garden. One of my work aquaintences is a hockey fan, so I learned about our local team and our college team. When we're all hanging around waiting for a meeting or something, I can also talk about that.

Another thing I do is try to match people with like interests in my head. If Mary and John are both into "Project Runway" I can discreetly bring that up and then they take it from there while I smile and nod. If you do a little research into your housemate's hobbies and interests, that can help with the lounge thing. Because friends have stuff in common right? So if you learn about Halo because your roomate is into Halo, that gives you something to talk about when his friend comes over.

Re the touching thing, I don't like it either. I wear long sleeves and stuff all the time because of that. I just ask people not to grab me because it makes me nervous. (Yes, lover's can grab me. But that's a different thing, you know?) I don't know what to tell you about that. My sister tells me that the reason it works when I tell someone that it makes me nervous it puts them at their ease because I'm pointing out that it's my issue, not theirs. I guess it's different to say "EEEEW! Hands OFF dude!" than it is to say "That really makes me nervous when you hug me or touch me when I'm not expecting it."

 

[KarennaC]

I have a reputation amongst the group I usually socialize with of being "the nicest person" and "such a great person to talk to."

The reason? I *don't* talk! Well, not much. I'm not comfortable carrying on random conversations either, and definitely not with being the one starting the conversation. Instead, I watch for certain cues and respond to the other person accordingly. bobinks is right; most people would rather talk about themselves or their interests, and if they feel like you're listening to them, they'll be satisfied.

For example:

Friend says, "Hi, Karenna, how's your fiance? How are the kids?"

I say: "Oh, they're great, thanks for asking. How are things going with you?" (Notice that I answer their question, but then immediately turn the conversation back to them.)

Friend then launches into a long discussion of how her ex-husband screwed things up on his last visit with the kids, and how her son broke his foot and her daughter's teacher just doesn't understand her learning needs. I watch Friend's face for cues as to how she feels about what she's saying (is she smiling? frowning? does she look angry?) and listen to tone of voice to determine whether Friend is happy or unhappy about the topic. I nod or shake my head as she speaks (depending on whether the preceding comment was positive or negative), and occasionally throw in comments like, "That's too bad" or "I'm glad to hear that", again depending on whether what Friend said was positive or negative. I maintain eye contact with Friend, or at least appear to be looking at Friend, throughout the conversation. After a few minutes, Friend feels like she's been listened to and wanders off to talk to someone else.

I confess that sometimes during encounters like that, I have absolutely no idea what the other person is saying (I process their facial expressions and tone of voice, but not the actual words), or I hear them but can't remember what they've said five seconds after they say it. They don't actually need me to remember it. They need someone to listen to them and let them "vent", and to acknowledge what they say. I try to remember at least one or two bits of information, so that the next time I see Friend, I can say, "How's your son's foot? Is school going better for your daughter?" And then let Friend go off on her conversation, while I follow the same technique as above.

If a conversation starts feeling awkward to me, I look around and then, as though I've spotted someone I need to speak to, politely say, "Oh, would you excuse me, please?" Then I walk away, purposefully as if I have somewhere to go.

Using the example bobinks gave above, if someone tries to talk to me about sports, I shake my head and say, "I really don't watch any sports, so I don't know anything about that." They either change the subject to something I can use the above technique on; walk off to find someone else to talk to; or start explaining to me why the Red Sox need to find a new pitcher (or whatever their topic is), in which case I can use the above technique (though I really don't listen when people talk about sports; I have absolutely no interest in the topic).

bobinks, my daughter does exactly what you've mentioned; if someone doesn't ask a question, she doesn't think she needs to respond. She's big on rules, so we've been telling her, "The rule is, if someone says something to you, you answer, even if it isn't a question". Then we roleplay answers she can give so that she isn't stuck carrying the conversation, but the other person feels like she's participating.

 

[Cattypuss]

Karenna, your daughter is very lucky to have been born to parents like you. Way to go!

 

[bobinks2]

Kaenna,

Thanks for backing me up on the converstaion thing. People can get upset easily when you inform them that people really don't want to listen to their golf stories, they just want to tell their own golf stories. It cuts to the core.

If anyone encounters people on the autistic spectrum, or is curious, there's a mystery novel called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. The guy who wrote it spent a few years working with autistic kids. The book is written through the eyes of a fifteen year old autistic boy. It's not much of a mystery. It's a quick read. For me, the first 2/3rds of the book were interesting, just to gain a better understanding of the autistic thought process. After that, I lost interest and just wanted to get to the end to see how it ended.

 

[sadangel]

Boy, I relate to this thread. I am HORRIBLE at small talk and being touched. Like someone else said, most of the time I wear long sleeves and such. I don't like being hugged, touched, etc unless I know it is coming and I'm ready for it. I often don't answer those that are just statements and answer as briefly as possible questions. I would have to say though, that with Sir I'm much better at it.

I have always been known as the "listener" when with friends, family and such. I often have trouble trying to explain my emotions. Trying to explain what I know in my head, but can't find the right words to say it.

The physical clumsiness that can be found in those with Asperger's is me. I've always been a klutz. I can trip over nothing at all. Also the having trouble going to sleep, staying asleep, waking up early is me from early on. Makes me kinda wonder.

 

[fire_breeze]

I don't have Aspergers. Although I dislike large, loud crowds and am an introvert, I'm okay in most social situations. I do have quite a few former colleagues who has Aspergers or who were autistic as children. I met them all when I was in university as a drama student, and they were all heavily involved in theatre. In fact, one was my roommate for a year.

They were all open about it, and made everyone know that this is a part of who they are. We knew, so we could adapt. One girl would move back a step if someone got too close to her. If someone touched her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable, she'd remove the arm and just said something along the lines of, "Dude, personal zone remember?"

Like in many societies, there are the talkers and listeners, and they were the latter. They'd just switch the conversation to the talkers, and you could see them visibly relax. The point is, if they didn't have the courage to tell and inform us, we wouldn't know and wouldn't be able to adapt. It's nothing to be embarrassed about - the way they'd spin it is that it's a quirk and let's face it, we all have them. I'm not trying to diminish the magnitude of it, but by being honest about it, by telling what it is what you need to be comfortable made it so.

You may want to consider joining a drama club in order to help you to adapt and give you some practice in small talk. Yes, drammies have a reputation of being loud and exuberant and being very bizarre. But they also tend to be very accepting of others whom society deems as being 'not normal' because they are 'not normal' themselves. Many people who are shy and needed self-confidence took a drama course (particularly acting 101 or believe it or not, technical theatre 102) in order to deal with public speaking and dealing and work with people and to gain a measure of confidence. If this idea appeals to you but you don't want to be in front of the public, consider doing background work like lights, sound, set, whatever. They'll teach you from the ground up, they tend to be a quieter crowd and no less accepting. All of my friends who had Aspergers were techies, and they all said that this helped them to be confident in themselves and in return better equipped in dealing with social situations.

Just an idea.

 

[KarennaC]

Karenna, your daughter is very lucky to have been born to parents like you. Way to go!

Thanks, Cattypuss I think it helps that I've been through similar things myself; I'm also a certified special education teacher and had worked with students with Asperger's before my daughter was identified (in fact, that's how she got identified; I recognized the similarities between her and my students, and brought my concerns to her pediatrician, who refered us to a clinical social worker). So I use the techniques I've learned as a teacher in working with my daughter.

Kaenna,

Thanks for backing me up on the converstaion thing. People can get upset easily when you inform them that people really don't want to listen to their golf stories, they just want to tell their own golf stories. It cuts to the core.

If anyone encounters people on the autistic spectrum, or is curious, there's a mystery novel called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. The guy who wrote it spent a few years working with autistic kids. The book is written through the eyes of a fifteen year old autistic boy. It's not much of a mystery. It's a quick read. For me, the first 2/3rds of the book were interesting, just to gain a better understanding of the autistic thought process. After that, I lost interest and just wanted to get to the end to see how it ended.

bobinks, it can cut to realize that people essentially just want to talk about themselves. For me, though, knowing that is a relief because it means I don't have to try to think of interesting things to say. lol

I haven't read that book, but I've heard good things about it. I've also heard negatives about it from a couple of teens with Aspergers who felt it didn't fairly represent the main character. Mainly, the reason I haven't read it is because too many people have told me I should, and I'm oppositional like that.

Sadangel, hugs.

fire_breeze, that's a great point about drama. I joined the drama club in junior high and high school, and minored in theater in university. It did help me quite a bit. My daughter's shown some interest in drama (she's in sixth grade at a school that requires all students to take at least one term per year of drama class), and is considering joining the after school drama program.

 

[ketalia]

Another great book to read is Look Me in the Eye by John E Robinson. Here's his website: http://www.johnrobison.com/ It's a really good window into our world.

 

[CraZSexaYChick]

Hi there!

You could also just come out and talk to your roommates, or even other people that you're going to be working close with and tell them that you have Aspergers, because alot of people might not know what that means. My brother has it and whenever someone he doesn't know tries to talk to him and he isn't quite comfortable or doesn't quite understand what they're saying to him he goes "I'm sorry, I have Autism (Aspergers is too difficult for him to say) and sometimes I don't understand what you're saying to me (or if someone just comes up and starts chatting his ear off "I don't understand why you're talking to me"). Could you say it a different way?" or something to that affect. Good luck to you!

 

[cowboy5]

Wow.
Thanks to everyone who has contributed so far to this topic. I left it for 2 days and have now just checked to see these awesome responses - thanks again

Bobinks - I have that exact problem when people say statements to me. I don't feel like they are asking me a question and as such there is no need for me to respond to them in any way. I guess they then run out of steam if they are using this as a method to launch into some sort of tirade about the specific subject.

In general, I have realised that people just want to talk about themselves and really try hard even amongst my friends to be the one to just interject one or two words and let everyone else run with conversation.
In my current job as a graduate student at the university I spend a LOT of time by myself locked up in the laboratory (I work in aerodynamics so we keep the doors locked during experiments to avoid changes in pressure [from draughts etc] in the room). I enjoy working by myself and I don't feel like I have to say anything to a lab partner when running experiments all night long. It allows me to relax and just concentrate on the job in hand.

I actually had a bit of a run-in with my housemates tonight about the whole thing. The overly physical one was somehow or other (for whatever reason) touching my leg on purpose under the table when we were out to dinner. He now knows not to do it again, but he really didn't mean it in a malicous way. It is just how he is - overly touchy.

When working and presenting information to a group of people, I find it easier than speaking just one-on-one. In the group situation, it is more like you are giving over the information instead of having a 'conversation' with each individual person. It's hard to explain really, but I prefer to give a talk to fellow researchers than to sit down with a professor who I don't know and try to explain my research to them.

I guess my real issue is that I am on occassion NOT picking up the 'subtle' hints from people about how I should be behaving. I take statements on face value and do not see the reason to question them (like in bobinks example of the sports team). This often leads to silences and quite a lot of the time I can sit by myself in a room full of people and not say a word to anyone. I don't want to lead conversations with strangers with 'Hey, I'm sorry if this seems like I am ignoring you but I have Aspergers so don't take it personally'

I'm just afraid that people will leave me alone for ever (I mean, who wants to talk with the monosyllabic guy in the corner) and when I have something I really want to say to someone then I will be left on my own to deal with it. . . . . .

 

[Eilan]

When I read the heartfelt, well-thought-out responses to threads like this one, I'm reminded of why I stopped lurking, and why I consider the HT board to be my Lit home.