Dealing with Adultery

[Kemet]

First off this has nothing to do with my current SO, just wanted to get that out of the way.

Anyway, I have been dealing with the emotional scars of adultery for a few years now. I still get depressed at times, wonder if/when it will happen again, and I find my my self esteem continues to drop. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions about how to deal with an adulterous SO. How did make you feel, how did you deal with it at the time, and by far the most important and reason for this post, how do you get over it? I still sometimes feel like a total failure as a human being, and that I don't deserve love. I could really use some ideas/help in getting over this. I do talk with my therapist about this but I figured that it couldn't hurt to see if any of you guys/ladies my have some help or suggestions.

 

[Bobmi357]

Why are you punishing yourself for something an Ex did? It wasn't your fault she fooled around. I mean, did you push her into it? Threaten her if she didn't screw someone else? Probably not.

What you should probably be knocking yourself over the head about is not the fact that she fooled around on you, but rather the fact that you failed to see the signs of it coming.

If I were you, I'd try to refocus that distructive behavior into a little self-righteous anger at your Ex-SO instead of beating yourself with it. I'd also sit down and seriously think about your relationship you had with her, try to think about the things you noticed but simply shrugged off. Were they warning signs of impending problems? Possibly. But I'd be willing to bet if you experienced them again you'd feel shivers run up and down your spine, step back and tell your current SO "wait a minute, we need to talk".

The simple fact is you can never be totally sure about your partner. Thats where the trust comes into the relationship. Do you trust her? Really trust her? (these are rhetorical questions, not really meant to be applied to your current situation)

In a way you are sorta lucky. You have experienced this once, so you have some ideas of what to look for and maybe head it off before it happens. A lot of us haven't been through this, myself included, and I would probably be devastated if my wife fooled around on me.

Its not really a reflection on you, so turn some of those nasty feelings you keep beating yourself with towards her. Never act on them, but still redirect that anger.

Time, and a loving partner, can heal these kind of wounds. Sure you've been hurt, but don't expect your current partner to do what your ex-partner did. Thats unfair to her, and unfair to you. You need to learn to trust her for she is a different person than your ex-partner.

And if you ever notice any of the things you now remember as possible warning signs, sit her down and talk about it. Get it into the open and confront the problem. Your going to a therapist and thats a good thing, but a loving and understanding partner is worth 10,000 therapists under the right situations. So learn to talk with her about your fears and concerns.

 

[sheath]

What you should probably be knocking yourself over the head about is not the fact that she fooled around on you, but rather the fact that you failed to see the signs of it coming.

Bobmi, I usually like your advice. But I take exception to this. Quite frankly, that is ridiculous! There are many, many cases of adultery in which the SO is none the wiser. If you truly want to hide what you are doing behind someone's back or in someone else's bed, you CAN. The truth is, it isn't all that hard to do. Like my friend judge not has said more than once: "A dedicated adulterer does not get caught unless he wants to get caught."

Kemet probably trusted his former SO. And when we trust, we tend to let 'little things' slide, and we don't let suspicions take over. Things that would make an outsider say 'hmmm' make the SO say 'I accept your explanation.' My own former SO hid things from me that I am just now discovering, six months after things began to go bad between us. I'm learning of things he was doing two YEARS ago that I never suspected.

Does that mean I should beat myself up over it? Hell no. No fucking way. Maybe there were signs. I never saw them. That does NOT mean I should, in any way, 'knock myself over the head' about not seeing those signs. He was a very dedicated liar. And that is NOT my fault. Just as it is not Kemet's fault that his SO chose to step out on him rather than take the honorable route and leave before sleeping with someone else.

It took one hell of a lot of counseling to get to the point where I could say I should NOT beat myself up over not seeing things before. When I read what you wrote, it felt like hearing my ex all over again, telling me I should have seen it all coming. BULLSHIT.

You are way off the mark with that one, Bobmi.

S.

 

[Missingmeds]

Bobmi, as someone who has had an adulterous S/O I agree with sheath.

There is no way that I could have seen it coming.

It isn't my fault that he committed adultery, believe that. It is his.

If Kemet is still having problems dealing with it, he needs to get to someone for some help in getting this dealt with.

 

[Bobmi357]

Bobmi, I usually like your advice. But I take exception to this. Quite frankly, that is ridiculous! There are many, many cases of adultery in which the SO is none the wiser. If you truly want to hide what you are doing behind someone's back or in someone else's bed, you CAN. The truth is, it isn't all that hard to do. Like my friend judge not has said more than once: "A dedicated adulterer does not get caught unless he wants to get caught."

And there are equally as many cases of the spouse cheating and leaving tons of hints about it. As you yourself have noted so recently, its only in hindsight that you can see all those "little things" you let slide for what they really were.

If you're in a relationship and fail to notice that something is bothering your partner. Then you're doing something wrong. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I am going to cheat on my spouse today". Its a slow gradual process, usually accompanied by a gradual building in marital discord.

Sure there are cases of people falling off the fidelity bandwagon totally unexpectedly, but generally speaking, there are signs of discontent, grumblings that if dealt with, might have lead to strengthening the relationship instead of letting it fall apart.

Kemet probably trusted his former SO. And when we trust, we tend to let 'little things' slide, and we don't let suspicions take over. Things that would make an outsider say 'hmmm' make the SO say 'I accept your explanation.' My own former SO hid things from me that I am just now discovering, six months after things began to go bad between us. I'm learning of things he was doing two YEARS ago that I never suspected.

Does that mean I should beat myself up over it? Hell no. No fucking way. Maybe there were signs. I never saw them. That does NOT mean I should, in any way, 'knock myself over the head' about not seeing those signs. He was a very dedicated liar. And that is NOT my fault. Just as it is not Kemet's fault that his SO chose to step out on him rather than take the honorable route and leave before sleeping with someone else.

It took one hell of a lot of counseling to get to the point where I could say I should NOT beat myself up over not seeing things before. When I read what you wrote, it felt like hearing my ex all over again, telling me I should have seen it all coming. BULLSHIT.

You are way off the mark with that one, Bobmi.

S.

Quite honestly I am not saying he should be kicking himself for missing those signs. However if you think your partner is unhappy, shouldn't you take steps to find out what is wrong and try to remedy the situation? I realize its not always something you can fix Sheath, and in your case you had additional issues to contend with.

The simple fact is relationships are work, you need to keep an eye on the emotional pulse of you and your partner all the time. It may be ok to let a few things slide now and then, but when it starts to back up the pipes you either plunge in to fix the problem, or let it ride and hope the relationship can survive it.

 

[Kemet]

And there are equally as many cases of the spouse cheating and leaving tons of hints about it. As you yourself have noted so recently, its only in hindsight that you can see all those "little things" you let slide for what they really were.

If you're in a relationship and fail to notice that something is bothering your partner. Then you're doing something wrong. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I am going to cheat on my spouse today". Its a slow gradual process, usually accompanied by a gradual building in marital discord.

Sure there are cases of people falling off the fidelity bandwagon totally unexpectedly, but generally speaking, there are signs of discontent, grumblings that if dealt with, might have lead to strengthening the relationship instead of letting it fall apart.



Quite honestly I am not saying he should be kicking himself for missing those signs. However if you think your partner is unhappy, shouldn't you take steps to find out what is wrong and try to remedy the situation? I realize its not always something you can fix Sheath, and in your case you had additional issues to contend with.

The simple fact is relationships are work, you need to keep an eye on the emotional pulse of you and your partner all the time. It may be ok to let a few things slide now and then, but when it starts to back up the pipes you either plunge in to fix the problem, or let it ride and hope the relationship can survive it.

Well number one I had nothing to do with why she cheated. I am sure of that to this day, I don't like the fact that you assume that I had something to do with it when you know nothing about the girl, me or the situation. Without discussing the actual event in great detail, there absolutely NOTHING that I could do for her at the time, and no way that I could have found out whatsoever. Now that that's aisde the reason I posted this is to see if anyone else had similar experience, any help or suggestions that might help me get over this and enjoy my new life with Dark Rayne. I was also wondering if anyone could tell me how if felt for them, to know if what I am feeling is normal. Thanks all

 

[CelticFrog]

Quite honestly I am not saying he should be kicking himself for missing those signs. However if you think your partner is unhappy, shouldn't you take steps to find out what is wrong and try to remedy the situation? I realize its not always something you can fix Sheath, and in your case you had additional issues to contend with.

Okay. Bobmi, you've just lost a lot of respect from me. Why? Because in your ORIGINAL post, you said...

What you should probably be knocking yourself over the head about is not the fact that she fooled around on you, but rather the fact that you failed to see the signs of it coming.

So you're right. You are NOT saying he should be kicking himself. You're saying he should be knocking himself about the head. Two different actions entirely.

Reference again your decision to completely contradict yourself:

And there are equally as many cases of the spouse cheating and leaving tons of hints about it. As you yourself have noted so recently, its only in hindsight that you can see all those "little things" you let slide for what they really were.

And you say YOU FAILED TO SEE THE SIGNS OF IT COMING. Well, there's a big fat DUH.

So what are you really trying to say?

Ang

 

[fgarvb1]

Your wife or SO fucking around.

Well... been there done that.

I perhaps take a somewhat different view than other people on this.

Its the trust issue that gets my goat. I don't give a damn who they were with, it wasn't with me thats all I need to know.

Some people get all caught up in that and thats just insane.

To me they have a flaw in them, a serious spiritual one that I did not see.

The way I see it one can either forgive them and get over it and if you ever catch them again throw their ass out.

If you don't trust them a lot to start with go a head and call it finis.

Talk to them and make sure they understand this not acceptable and if it happens again someones going to hit the road.

Tell them if thats the way they want it your going to have some on the side too.

By ignoring it you are giving them permission in their minds.

If a person can't get pass it the best thing to do is to go your separate ways.

 

[Missingmeds]

fgarvb1,

He has already stated this was a previous relationship that ended about 2 years ago. What he is feeling is the repercussions of the loss of that trust. That is why he questions what he is feeling for Dark Rayne.

Bobmi, there is no way that I could have seen a problem. He was hiding the fact of what he was from everyone. There are still people in his immediate family that don't know what happened or what he really is.

So to blame anyone but the cheater is absurd. I didn't let any thing slide. I just had absolutely no clue.

 

[quickfoot]

I truly believe 90% of the time there are clues there will be adultery before it occurs.

There are the very few cases where the person simply doesn't want to be in a marriage and commits adultery even though there is apparent problem in their marriage.

I once heard a saying, before marriage eyes wide open, after half shut, I thought it funny at the time but now believe it will get you into trouble.

People tend to want to believe everything is ok even when it isn't and will go out of the way not to see problems with their relationships, either on a concious or subconcious level.

A common example I use is the teenage girl dating the trouble making no good boy that her parents and most other people know is up to no good but she just can't see it until she gets burned.

I think Bombi was very passiontate but there is a lot of truth in what he said.

When you are in a relationship you have an obligation to be in touch with your partner, if you don't realize something is wrong you either failed in choosing your partner or failed in maintaining your relationship.

Sometimes the other partner was not a contributer in their partners decision, a lot of times they were and simply don't or dont want to realize they were.

Unless there are serious mental problems most people that are happy and in a good relationship don't cheat so if it occured there is a problem whether you thought there was one or not.

Again I do not blame people that are the victims of their partners cheating and there are always exceptions but there are almost always clues people should have caught but didn't .

The failure of one person to see the signs does not invalidate the fact that people should see it coming and adds weight to the reasons not to stay in an unhappy relationship, fix it or get out because you are just damaging you and your partner by staying unhappy.

I'll probably get flamed but hey its been cold lately anyway :-D

 

[warrior queen]

First off this has nothing to do with my current SO, just wanted to get that out of the way.

Anyway, I have been dealing with the emotional scars of adultery for a few years now. I still get depressed at times, wonder if/when it will happen again, and I find my my self esteem continues to drop. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions about how to deal with an adulterous SO. How did make you feel, how did you deal with it at the time, and by far the most important and reason for this post, how do you get over it? I still sometimes feel like a total failure as a human being, and that I don't deserve love. I could really use some ideas/help in getting over this. I do talk with my therapist about this but I figured that it couldn't hurt to see if any of you guys/ladies my have some help or suggestions.

for me, it was the whole "what is wrong with me that he felt the need to go elsewhere?" thing that corroded my sense of self to the point where i became my own harshest critic.
nothing i could do to stop that.
i went everywhere looking for help, and came up empty - but there was a reason for none of the therapy or advice getting through......
i found that i was undermining even the help i was getting, because my thought process had become so negative i was questioning whether the therapist was actually wanting to help me at all! and i was doing that while sitting in her office, listening to her explain how i could begin to view things differently.
i was, in effect, sabotaging the help i had sought!!!

there's no easy answer to the emotional stress you are now feeling as a result of the betrayal.
i wish there was - it would have made my life easier, that's for sure!

the only thing i can tell you is that you need to reach the point where you understand and accept that the betrayal was not your issue, it was your ex'es.
only when you can accept that fully, will you be able to begin to move forward and reclaim your life.
BTW, it took me almost 6 years.

i wish you all the best on this difficult journey.

 

[Alyx]

I’ve known four different couples that’ve went through adulterous experiences. Two of those couples managed to regain the trust needed to maintain a relationship. The other two imploded.

The first thing I’d like to point out is that in all four cases, these were not one-night stands. They were multi-month affairs. While one-night stands are pretty easy to cover up, long-term affairs seem to be more difficult, depending on the circumstances involved.

While I was not directly involved in these affairs, two of them did involve immediate family members. Before anything was ever brought out into the open, even I could tell there was something wrong. Lots of late nights, excuses to leave the house without the husband/wife, whispered phone conversations taken in other rooms, etc. While I’m sure there are plenty of people who have legitimate reasons for such actions, these specific people did not.

I’m also aware that, not being involved in the intimate relationship dynamic, may have made it that much more obvious to me. I’d just like to point out that the signs were there in these four instances. But with the daily grind of work, kids, house, bills, and so on, plus the normal daily relationship dynamic, those signs were buried. In hindsight, these folks were able to see that, and to realize that the ability to communicate with their spouse had been lost at some point, but at the time, there were too many other things in the way.

For the two couples that managed to work it out and regain the trust lost, it took a lot of time. By acknowledging that there was a problem in the relationship, and dedicating themselves to fixing it together, they were able to reclaim the trust lost, day by day. It’s a difficult thing to open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again, but if you don’t, in the end you find yourself alone. For some, being alone is a viable option. For others, it’s just a different type of pain.

For the two couples that had their relationships implode, I’m only still in contact with three of them. One is in a healthy relationship. He’s learned not to let the daily grind blind him to what’s going on in his relationship with his SO. He’s also learned to communicate his needs/wants better so there are fewer misunderstandings. The other two are alone. One is perfectly happy with that arrangement, as she has a lot going on in her life, and doesn’t feel that she could fully commit herself to someone. The other is having trust issues. She’s unwilling to open herself up to the possibility of being hurt again. She’s alone, slightly bitter, and hurting. She doesn’t want help; she wants “something” (her words).

In your first post, you didn’t give a lot of details about your relationship with your ex, only that she cheated. In your second, you made it clear that her reasons for cheating had nothing to do with you. So why are you assuming responsibility for her actions?

I know that once the ability to trust others is lost, it can be difficult to build, or rebuild a healthy relationship. But it can be done. Once you’ve lost the ability to trust yourself however, it becomes damn near impossible. I would start with learning to trust yourself, your feelings and instincts, again. Once you have a solid base of trust in yourself, I think you’ll find it much easier to build a relationship upon.

 

[Spenser41]

Well here are my 2 cents.

Before you can truly give yourself completely to a new SO, you have to heal from the old SO.
When you bring baggage (and yes I know we all have baggage) into relationships we can cripple them from being a healthy relationship. Why? Because we will always have in the backs of our minds why? What did I do? What could I have done? What did I do wrong? Will this relationship go south on me as well?
In order to start a relationship on a healthy foundation, the past has to be put in the fast.
It is said that when we react to a bad thing in life, that many times we are reacting to only 10% of what is happening now and 90% of something in the past.
Men and I am speaking as one who has done this, tend to want to feel better fast. So we jump into relationships and marriages much faster then women do. (They say it is because men can not take care of themselves alone... I think I heard a woman say Amen or it could be oh man.) But I do know that men do jump into relationships faster then women after being hurt. The reason why is we want to stop the hurt and feel better again. That is like a football playing taking meds to play. If he does not feel it, he can play again. Problem is, he is only making the hurt worse. We know that when someone breaks a leg or an arm it takes time to heal. Yet we get our hearts broken and we try to fix it with another relationship. Only problem is, we have not dealt with the pain and are trying to cover it up with another relationship. I am not saying to end the one you have now, but I am saying you might want to seek some counseling and back off the relationship until you put some of this baggage behind you. If you really want to make sure this one works out and is a healthy one, that is what you should do.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I'm not married, and I never have been, but I've had plenty of partners cheat on me. The two that hurt me the most were this guy named Nick who I was nuts about. I wouldn't put out (I was young, and wanted to wait till I was married), so he fucked around with his ex girlfriend. I wrote nasty poetry and chalked it up to him being a dick.


My ex-fiance cheated on me with my best friend at the time. I was in Europe, and they fucked around... I didn't know until he asked if we could have a threesome together. We had the threesome, and he KNEW her. So, I stayed with him, had him go into debt buying me presents, broke up with him when I miscarried his child, ended up dating her ex boyfriend who she still loved, and then told them both to fuck off. Her ex and I are still friends.

People who cheat suck. That's the gist.

 

[CelticFrog]

Re: Well here are my 2 cents.

It is said that when we react to a bad thing in life, that many times we are reacting to only 10% of what is happening now and 90% of something in the past.

I would like to expound on this, if I may... (well, I'm gonna do it anyways!)

I have heard a therapist call this a mind flash or a mind freeze... something to that effect. I like the term mind freeze.

When something particularly traumatic happens to you, your mind freezes you at that point in time. You go on, mature, but if anything resembling that traumatic event happens again, you CAN NOT pull upon experiences you've had since that point. The mind freeze kicks in and you can only act with the maturity level you had at the original trauma.

I am going to use myself as an example. This is particularly fresh and painful right now, but it's the best thing I can think of. Sheath honey... you're about to get a tearful phone call.

When I was eight years old, my best friend Dolana was kidnapped. She was on her way to my house to spend the night (even though my mom didn't really like her a whole lot). She lived a block away as the crow flies, but a three block bicycle ride.
I was devastated. My dad suddenly wasn't home very often, and I didn't get the support from him I wanted. (I learned less than three months ago that this was because he was part of the extensive search effort due to his military status.) I was a lost kid in a harsh situation. I knew who I suspected. I knew what I read in the papers. I didn't know how to explain to anyone how I felt. Nobody understood what I was trying to say anyhow. I went through really crappy counseling. A year later, a hunter found her skull in the woods with two bullet holes in the back. Replay all the pain and frustration and fear and all those other hurting emotions.
Fast forward seven years. I am sitting in my highschool cafeteria in springtime on a Thursday, after my early bird class. (It was a late start day, hence the remembering of the day.) My freshman counselor walked up to the table I was sitting at and sat down. First red flag. He sighed. Second red flag. Then he calmly, resignedly informed me that my best friend (see a pattern here?) Trisha had been murdered. He told us sitting at the table that if we wanted to talk, he'd be in his office. A half hour later, my teacher found me, still in the same position. Hadn't moved. And for the rest of the day, I couldn't figure out why I didn't get ANYTHING my teachers were saying, I didn't even understand my math homework that I had already finished. I felt like I was eight.

Okay. I have to stop with that story.

Several months ago, the whole mind freeze thing came up with J's therapist when I went in with him. Suddenly, a light bulb lit up so hard I thought it would explode in my head. I realized that every time I've learned of a friend's death (there have been more than I like to remember) I have reacted like an eight year old.

The knowledge that I do this at least can help me understand in the blocked off part of my mind that it's normal. It can help people around me understand why I'm suddenly reacting like a little kid. And why I can't react with all the maturity I've developed since her disappearance and death.

If you can isolate one specific incident and pin down what you felt and how you dealt with it, then it's likely you will be able to see why you felt that way given another incident in which you felt that the same thing was happening. Does that make sense? And maybe you can learn to move past that mind freeze programming. We haven't figured out how to do that for me yet, but I know it's working pretty nicely for J. Amazingly so.

I realize that may feel like a lot of blathering for this problem, but I believe it may be able to help you if you can find a mind freeze in yourself and hurdle it. I hope it wasn't totally irrelevant.

Ang

 

[Kemet]

I want to thank you all so much for your posts, CelticFrog the mind freze as you explained it seems to make alot of sense to me. The incident that occured with my ex was a one time thing, but sheath can clarify that it was really extreme and damaging to me. I want to thank you all again, your posts are helping me, thank you.

 

[Spenser41]

Going back to what I said about the past and how it has more of effect on us in the now then we realize - mind freeze is the term we are using now... Let me explain more about what I said earlier. Maybe it might help.
My folks were divorce when I was 7. It was not until I was in my 40s that my mom finally told me it was because he was beating me. He was in the Air Force and wasn't around much but when he was it could not stand the sight of me. He did not do much to my younger brother but he did to me. As I kid I tried so hard to get him to love me. I always thought it was my fault, not knowing the past. My mom married abusers and non of her 3 other husbands wanted to have anything to do with me or my brother. I left home at the age of 17. I got married way too early at the age of 22 looking for love and acceptance. I didn't even know her. She just was a hurt person as well and looking for that too. Only problem was she had a ton of problems she never told me (incest) and rejected me through out most of the marriage. We did have kids in the earlier part and they are my major blessings. But that was early in the marriage and for the rest of the marriage there was major rejection. Once again...mind freeze.... I took it as rejection of me and this rejection was the worst because I thought she loved me. And the rejection she did towards me was only amplified by the past rejections from past fathers. The only love and acceptence I got was from my kids. She never told me about the incest until after the divorce but, by then it was too late and it was over.
It took counseling and friends to help me get through the past. Heck I am still dealing with it. When feelings pop up, I find that it is the stupid past that keeps bringing those emotions back up.
But, I can say that they are not as strong as they were before because of the counseliing and friend.
Now getting back to what I said before. In order for a new relationship to work, you have to have a handle on the past - mind freeze - in order to move on. Because if you don't, it can hurt any future relationships you have. And since this cheating was the first time, if it is not dealt with and healed, and thing in the future could be hurt or hindered if it is not dealt with.
And Celtic... you are in my thoughts and I am so sorry you went through something so horrible.

 

[Vixandra]

Wow, Celtic I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. And that counsiler should have never broken the news to you like that. *sighs*

Kemet- have you tried getting counsiling about your feelings? Professional help might be exactly what you need.
Its okay to feel hurt and less then you are because of what your ex did. I don't know anyone who's s/o cheated on them and they didn't feel that way to some degree. But, we can all tell you things till the proverbial cows come home- won't help unless you're ready to let go of the pain and self-torturing you're putting yourself through on her behalf.
No one can force you to feel an emotion, you choose to feel it, whether you realize it or not.
*hugs* I wish you good luck and peace of mind.

 

[pplwatching]

I have never experienced infidelity from a partner but your question is phrased in a way that says you have a faithful parter but you're trying to get past your own demons. Maybe I can offer you some questions that can help you work through the problem.

Do you think that part of working through this lies in a feeling of comfort and certainty about where your current relationship is going? To put it another way, are you wondering if this relationship has enough potential to be worth risking your emotions for? Another side of that question addresses the feelings of self-worth and validation that everyone's talked about. Do you think that your self esteem and outlook in other areas of your life, such as your job or hobbies, are working for you or against you in your romantic persuit?

Do you think that you have healed enough to objectively understand the problem? Chopping it up into workable pieces might be an effective strategy. Writing down a brief list of what you think are the barriers to getting past this might help you. Try starting with one word associations if you can't express your feelings in coherent sentences. Take that list and try to put it into some sort of order of what you think needs to be worked on first. If you feel like you're in a maze of twisty little passages, maybe your girlfriend would like to help you get your bearings. Maybe a professional can help you sort out your feelings.

Good luck

 

[freddyandeddy]

After cheating on and being cheated on (though many years ago), I can only expound in one area, as everyone else had pretty well covered the subject and shared remarkable experiences.

In any new relationship you choose to enter in the near future, be very HONEST and UP FRONT about your past experience and how it affected you. Most people will understand and perhaps have even gone through it themselves. Concealing your hurt and mistrust will rear its ugly had at the most inopportune times - be sure of that!

This thread really hits close to home; we have some friends who are experiencing sexual difficulties and the husband is now actively cheating. And, of course, he had to go and tell ME about it and now I'm in the fucked up position of being an asshole if I spill to his wife or an asshole if I don't and she finds out. In the spirit of How to, how the fuck do people deal with the KNOWLEDGE of adultery?

 

[Bobmi357]

This thread really hits close to home; we have some friends who are experiencing sexual difficulties and the husband is now actively cheating. And, of course, he had to go and tell ME about it and now I'm in the fucked up position of being an asshole if I spill to his wife or an asshole if I don't and she finds out. In the spirit of How to, how the fuck do people deal with the KNOWLEDGE of adultery?

This has never happened to me, but it has happened to my wife, involving some very close relatives of hers.

In a nutshell, you do not want to get involved. One relative confessed that she was cheating, and when the other one begged her to tell him, she did. As a result she got dragged into the middle of a feud that lasted too long.

Tell your friend that you do not want to know any details and you don't want to even hear him talk about it. This is one of those times when pretending ignorance is your best bet no matter how close this couple is to you. You do not want to find yourself in the middle when the shit hits the fan, and if he's telling you, then there's a good chance he's looking for her to find out about it. Its his place to tell her, not yours.

 

[Missingmeds]

This thread really hits close to home; we have some friends who are experiencing sexual difficulties and the husband is now actively cheating. And, of course, he had to go and tell ME about it and now I'm in the fucked up position of being an asshole if I spill to his wife or an asshole if I don't and she finds out. In the spirit of How to, how the fuck do people deal with the KNOWLEDGE of adultery?

Are you sure that she doesn't know already? That they don't have an agreement about this because they are having sexual problems?

If you aren't sure about either of those, I would ask him about them both. Because he might have been trying to tell you about what he did so that if you found out some other way you wouldn't be concerned about them.

 

[freddyandeddy]

I think I'm going to go the Bobmi route on this one. His wife is very traditional and stays at home raising their two kids (another extreme source of resentment for him). He works long hours, which is the perfect excuse to allow him the necessary time to carry on his affair (with a co-worker). I wish he'd just be friggin' man about it and end the charade, either by coming clean and splitting up or breaking it off and trying to refocus and rededicate to improving their situation (counselling). I wonder if Kemet's friends knew about her situation before she did. If so, did she feel betrayed that they didn't tell her? Did they step in to help after it came crashing down? Did they take sides?

How to deal with getting over it involves many things; Kemet (or anyone else), can you expand on how it affected everyone around you and how it either contributed to the hurt or improved things?

 

[pplwatching]

Flying in the face of infidelity

It took me a while to get my thoughts wrapped around this one. Just reading here is a good indication of how traumatic this can be. It’s been pointed out that these things start out slowly. It’s also been suggested that sometimes you just can’t see it coming. I’ve got some background in failure analysis that is bulldogging me into thinking about this. I tend to be obsessed by the notion there’s always a reason that things fail, and I put infidelity into the failure column for a relationship. I’ve been doing a little research. I’m going to mix some of my thoughts and some material that I found that backs me up. In some ways I feel like I’m stepping on eggshells, so bear with the long-winded bits. Some people will pick it apart because they don’t agree or aren’t used to thinking this way, but I hope there’s something in it for you.

You’ve gotten some well -meaning advice that, to paraphrase, says that sometimes people cheat when you don’t do anything wrong. That statement is deceptively true. The deception is both in the statement itself and the assumption is that it’s opposite is “you did something wrong”. I’m sure that you’ve spent many hours trying to figure out what you did wrong before you drew the conclusion that it wasn’t you.

Dr. Reena Sommer says in her book “The Anatomy of an Affair” that the majority of people who have experienced infidelity or adultery in their relationship will experience it again even if they move on to other relationships. She’s not the only one. This painful statement means that moving on isn’t enough. Some people go on the defensive and assume that each new SO will cheat on them (or that they can’t predict when it will happen). Your feelings now are a symptom of the beginning of that process. Emily Brown starts her book “Patterns of Infidelity and Treatment” by saying that over 90 percent of women start their marriage with no intention of cheating. Since the point of your post is moving on with a new flame, lets start with that and try a different approach. You can take proactive steps and get into some habits that minimize the risk that infidelity will happen again.

Lets take the first part and rephrase the support to say, “You didn’t do anything to make your SO go outside of the marriage”. At first glance the opposite looks like, “You did something to make your SO go outside of the marriage” and you’re not any better off than you were two paragraphs ago. Dr. Sommer argues that the problem isn’t the infinitive. Let’s keep the positive support in there as much as we can and rewrite the sentence to say, “You missed some windows of opportunity to keep your SO inside of the relationship.” The new sentence has some features that the old one didn’t have. It acknowledges that you need to stay on top of things in a relationship. Knowing what opportunities you missed gives you some very strong tools to work with in your new relationship. It says that the same opportunities exist in your new relationship! This is also a healing tool because it doesn’t leave you feeling helpless and afraid that you’re at the mercy of your lover. The trick is figuring out what the opportunities were then (and are now). I hope that the fact that you posted here means that you are open to using that as a basis for really knowing that your current SO won’t be unfaithful.

Each of us has different motivations and needs in a relationship. Some motivators are the physical, or external, signs of success that TV portrays such as new cars, other status symbols, fabulous vacations, and physical pleasure from sex (yes, I know there’s shows and movies with more depth). Some motivators are emotional, or internal, such as feeling secure, desired, appreciated, wanted, and having great sex with the person that makes us feel that way. Most of us seem to want the emotional side in our relationships. Interestingly we mistakenly assume that the things that we need are the opposite of the things that our partner needs because we only see the external parts of a relationship in the Jonses driveway. The Rocky Mountain Family Council web site says, Women tend to have affairs because they yearn for someone to love and appreciate them; in other words, for emotional support. That flies in the face of the rapture on a gal’s face in a Valentines’ day diamond advertisement. It says that we’re doing what we think will make her happy but she really wants something different entirely. Sometimes all that takes is keeping her aware that you love and appreciate her. Even simple praise can be a very effective tool. Praise for being, and praise for doing. Praise for being is saying “I love you. I am so happy that you’re wife”. Praise for doing is saying, “Wow, you really outdid yourself on this dinner”. Try not to mix them,l as in “I really love you because you’re such a good cook, so good in bed, etc”. That leads to subconsciously assuming that you won’t love her any more if those things go poof.

It’s been pointed out here again and again that communication is the key. It’s also been said that people don’t know how to communicate. Steven Covey says in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. The thing that seems to be missed most often is that asking questions and listening is equally (or more) important than talking. I happen to believe that people who are completely driven by external motivation and selfishly pursue those things at the expense of their relationship are wild cards. They are the exception and not the rule. Some people just don’t know what they want, but you can figure out if a person falls in that category by asking questions and really listening to the answers before you jump into the relationship.

I’m not a mental health professional. I’m just a people watcher with an insatiable urge to understand people and relationships, right down to the really nitty gritty of what makes them succeed or fail. I haven’t read all of these books cover to cover, but maybe some of them will help you get your compass pointed in the right direction. I particularly like The 7 Habits, but it’s about developing traits that help you stack the deck in your favor without being completely marriage centric. The Anatomy of An Affair is more directed at getting over infidelity.

I’m sorry about being long winded, but relationships are important to me. I really hope that you can make your new one catch fire.

 

[Missingmeds]

I think that there is only one thing wrong with that post you just made pplwatching.

It is all based on the assumption that the person that one is involved with is monogamously minded. Some people just aren't.