dealing with a jealous spouse

[BlueNightingale]

I've an online friend--actual friend--who I met through this site.
That would be peachy except that his wife is convinced we're having some torrid internet affair. No amount of trying seems to convince her that there isn't something weird and kinky going on.
She's read huge parts of our conversations, even sits and watches while we 'talk' but it's no good.
I've offered to let her come online and talk to me directly but she refuses.

This is driving my friend nuts and causing all manner of problems.

Any suggestions?

 

[EbonyFire77]

I've an online friend--actual friend--who I met through this site.
That would be peachy except that his wife is convinced we're having some torrid internet affair. No amount of trying seems to convince her that there isn't something weird and kinky going on.
She's read huge parts of our conversations, even sits and watches while we 'talk' but it's no good.
I've offered to let her come online and talk to me directly but she refuses.

This is driving my friend nuts and causing all manner of problems.

Any suggestions?

I'll bet you anything she's probably jealous of the emotional connection she suspects of, whether or not one exists.

This suggestions will probably suck, but have you two thought about cutting down your amount of chat time, to get his wife off his back and see if things fizzle?

 

[SweetErika]

I'm guessing she's upset because she sees him spending time and effort on his relationship with you while her needs are going unmet and/or there are problems in their marriage that need to be addressed.

That, or there's a history of broken trust, lying, cheating, etc., that she's basing her suspicions on. Even if it's something from the distant past that they've since worked on and resolved, his relationship may very well be triggering similar feelings for her.

Can you imagine how you'd feel if your husband was spending time with a woman he met on an adult site while you were feeling neglected, like there were pressing issues in your marriage, or even just not good about yourself? Hopefully you can truly empathize with his wife and translate that into some good solutions.

If this is someone you care about, I'd suggest trying to understand where his wife is coming from and encouraging him to focus on her and their marriage. That could entail more communicating and interest in her, genuine compliments, thoughtful actions, dates/couple time, or even counseling to resolve their problems. If he does a good job with that and she feels secure, she'll see more of the reality and less of the potential threats. And perhaps she will realize you could be a good ally for her, rather than an enemy. Maybe once their relationship improves you can communicate your utter lack of romantic interest in him and desire for their marriage to be as strong and fulfilling as possible to her via email/phone/skype; let her know he is your friend, but you're on her side as well, and you want to support both of them, not cause any problems.

 

[NightL]

How much do you value the friendship? How important is it for you? Do you wish to hold on to it despite what ever problems it may be introducing in his marital life? Would you still continue you if you believe he is trying to hide the communication? Would you respect him or the friendship if you believe he was hiding the communication? Would you respect yourself?

I suggest you call it quits totally. Concentrate on friendships in the outside world, the ones where you can meet face to face. Where you can invite people to a dinner as a couple.

I would suggest the problems they are having are far greater than your ongoing communication with him, but you are contributing to the situation. Step away.

 

[PistolDPete]

.....

 

[Ellafun]

Psychology 101 ... It's always the information that is NOT being mentioned that is the most important.

I believe there is more here than what's being described.

Who's this causing all manner of problems for ... you or him?

This sounds like a classic case of ... the wife doesn't know the husband is on a 'porn' site, she finds out, she's mad, then she finds out he's also talking to someone who he met on the porn site. And you're really wondering why she's mad?

You failed to mention if you're married. I'm going to assume you are, seeing as how you didn't mention in your original question how YOUR spouse felt about this. Why don't we ask him how he feels about all of this? I'm going to assume he would feel the same way as your friend's wife.

I think what urks me the most about this, is you're making his wife out to be 'the bad person' here. You're actually blaming HER for being pissed her spouse is chatting with ANOTHER woman online.

I don't think the problem lies with his wife, I think the problem lies with you and him. The two of you got busted ... plain and simple. He's not as a responsive as he once was ... you're annoyed. Quite honestly, he's a jerk if he's trying to play both sides of the fence. I don't blame his wife at all! Why don't you let him work on his marriage, and you focus on yours.

Um, maybe you could try to get to know BlueNightingale a little better and you would maybe turn off the judgmental key? Sheesh.

and to BlueN: You guys should take a break. If you are friends, he will will still be there to talk with the passing of time.

 

[BlueNightingale]

Psychology 101 ... It's always the information that is NOT being mentioned that is the most important.

I believe there is more here than what's being described.

Who's this causing all manner of problems for ... you or him?

This sounds like a classic case of ... the wife doesn't know the husband is on a 'porn' site, she finds out, she's mad, then she finds out he's also talking to someone who he met on the porn site. And you're really wondering why she's mad?

You failed to mention if you're married. I'm going to assume you are, seeing as how you didn't mention in your original question how YOUR spouse felt about this. Why don't we ask him how he feels about all of this? I'm going to assume he would feel the same way as your friend's wife.

I think what urks me the most about this, is you're making his wife out to be 'the bad person' here. You're actually blaming HER for being pissed her spouse is chatting with ANOTHER woman online.

I don't think the problem lies with his wife, I think the problem lies with you and him. The two of you got busted ... plain and simple. He's not as a responsive as he once was ... you're annoyed. Quite honestly, he's a jerk if he's trying to play both sides of the fence. I don't blame his wife at all! Why don't you let him work on his marriage, and you focus on yours.

Whoa! Hold on now. I never blamed anyone for anything, and I am most certainly not PISSED at anyone.

All I was looking for was some idea of how to help her understand and feel better because I feel like I/we should.
What I mean by saying that this is causing problems is that one person is unhappy and I'd like to find a way to make that better.
I do in fact have a husband who I have introduced into my conversations in exactly the same way I described my friend trying to do for his wife. Mine is not upset in the least. He likes the guy. Yes he knows where we met.
There was never a question of being 'busted' since nothing was ever a secret.

Um, maybe you could try to get to know BlueNightingale a little better and you would maybe turn off the judgmental key? Sheesh.

and to BlueN: You guys should take a break. If you are friends, he will will still be there to talk with the passing of time.

Thanks for that Ella.

This all sounds like I've taken over someone's life.
I'm talking about someone I talk with several times a week--less since it was causing stress.
The thing is that I really do care about all 4 of us being happy (or at least not unhappy) here.
Maybe that's expecting too much.

 

[FeistyScorpio]

There is another possibility to consider in addition to what the others have already said. Sometimes, jealousy is simply a symptom of a person's own insecurities. Those insecurities don't necessarily have to be an effect of their partner's actions; they can be present already, and the other person's actions simply exacerbate the problem.

In other words, the wife *could* be jealous simply because she's insecure. Maybe her husband isn't doing anything to cause the jealousy, but his chatting with you makes her jealousy worse - or brings it more out in the open.

 

[KierstH12]

.....................

 

[vampwrrr]

If his wife sees you as a threat in any way I think you are expecting too much from the relationship. Does she see it as an emotional affair? Has she asked him to stop talking to you or cut back how often he talks to you? Is she ill-at-ease with the topics you and he discuss? Is he more open with you than he is with his wife?

If she is not at ease with your relationship with him, I think the best thing to do is to cut ties with him.

Hm...a wife is jealous because her husband is spending time talking to a woman that he met on an erotic website...

What a crazy, random happenstance!

 

[KierstH12]

..............................

 

[Somehowyou]

Why does everyone have to be so damn honest? Why does the wife know that you are chatting on a porn site in the first place? Why has she been burdoned with this information? What is she supposed to think? Did you ever hear the od saying, what she doesn't know won't hurt her?

Get your own lap top, note book, or I-phone and get a secret yahoo/G-mail mail account. Keep everything password protected - say it is for work. If it is for work your spouse can't touch the device. Don't tell your spouse what you are doing. It is nothing more than chit chat on a porn web site anyway so why bother them with this information?

I don't think you can fix this mess but those of you who are reading think twice about sharing a computer or a mail account with your spouse. Don't tell them everything you are doing. They do not need to know this.

 

[EbonyFire77]

Why does everyone have to be so damn honest? Why does the wife know that you are chatting on a porn site in the first place? Why has she been burdoned with this information? What is she supposed to think? Did you ever hear the od saying, what she doesn't know won't hurt her?

Get your own lap top, note book, or I-phone and get a secret yahoo/G-mail mail account. Keep everything password protected - say it is for work. If it is for work your spouse can't touch the device. Don't tell your spouse what you are doing. It is nothing more than chit chat on a porn web site anyway so why bother them with this information?

I don't think you can fix this mess but those of you who are reading think twice about sharing a computer or a mail account with your spouse. Don't tell them everything you are doing. They do not need to know this.

I think the issue is the OP's friendship with this man is creating jealousy due to attention. People want to be honest because secrets can be burdening, too. Perhaps the husband was feeling guilt for having the OP as his friend and wanted it to be "out." Who knows what it would have been if he didn't say anything. The wife would be jealous anyway.

At this time it's up to the OP to cut down on her chatting time. If she's good enough friends with this guy, she'll know the marriage is more important. Maybe an opportunity to make new friends, who knows.

 

[box13]

Does he have any woman friends in "real life" that he talks to about anything besides the weather? I'm guessing that would be a big no-no, so you're breaking some ground here maybe, and that won't be easy.

From personal experience, I can sort of imagine how the talk with the wife might go, "ya honey, we just talk about sex there, so no biggie!" haha. Someday they'd find my nuts maybe, in some alligator's tummy.

Somehow the jealous spouse has the idea that "you having friends isn't fair" so no amount of talking is going to make that all la-dee-da I doubt. You might just leave him to deal with it, since it's his issue and not really yours. Or like some have suggested here, admit that your friendship isn't as important as him getting laid once in a while...err...I mean his marriage, and give him more space, or let it go entirely.

Nothing good to say! I should have kept quiet!

 

[blulilacgrl]

BlueNightingale,

Here is the sad fact about being friends with a married man, you kinda have to be friends with his wife as well. Especially if she begins to feel jealous. One thing that I try to do is draw her into the conversations. Ask your friend about her. Is there something that she does or knows about that can help you?

For example, one of my guy friend's wife does preserve canning. I do a little off and on, but I made sure to ask him to ask her for her advice on something once. And then the next time we talked I had him relay my results to her. Another friend of mine, his wife is actually a chef so I had him pick her brain for some tips when I was planning a small get together. Again I had him relay the results.

The other thing I do is tell my male friends to never bitch about their wives to me. Namely because a) I am not stepping into their marriage and b) 9 times out of 10 I am probably gonna side with the wife so it would be a useless endeavor on their part if they are looking for sympathy. [laughs]

I think you are doing the right thing by being open and honest, by respecting her wishes to want to see and even monitor your conversations with her husband. Like you, I am married and my husband knows I am on Lit and chat with people from here. And like your husband, he will walk by and see what I am saying.

But ultimately if she feels that uncomfortable and that jealous, you may have to recognize that this probably has nothing to do with you. Perhaps there is more at play here than you are aware of and he and his wife need to work some things out.

Good luck.

 

[Eilan]

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to be "jealous" when her husband is having an emotional affair right in front of her.

 

[KierstH12]

..........................

 

[skimpycloud]

I'm not sure where the reference to having met your friend on this website or different website of similar ilk is and the responses generated by others subsequently, but my opinion is to cool it a bit. Don't try and mask it, or hide it as that will make it worse.

My SO used to do this, and had some online flirts (however innocent he protested they were) and it made me feel awful. To this day, I will occasionally have a look at his facebook messages or emails. In all honesty, it is my insecurity resulting from his misdemeanour.

So, I'd rein it back for a bit - he needs to focus on her and her needs for a bit.

 

[Thefamiliar]

Its simply not your fight.

While it sucks donkey balls, it is what it is. There may be more going on behind the scenes than you know.

I would be more likely to say, he isn't meeting her needs emotionally, and so, this is just one more thing to add to it.

Just for shits n grins, I will share how it could be...as I was that wife once upon a time.

Married, 2year old child and pregnant.

Husband discovers chat room. I shrug, say its chat whats the big deal. Husband starts talking to woman in chat room. I know, he is open, not a huge deal, but he starts having dinner at the computer, while daughter and I sit at the table. A few weeks later, he gets a phone call from said woman, tells me to be quiet. I respect his wish, but as soon as he hangs up, I ask. After much hemming and hawing I find out he told her I was dead and raising our daughter alone.

I stood behind him making him confess to her.

We fixed stuff....

It happens again, on an online roleplay game, this time I am not "dead" but actively interact with said parties...

I was the jealous wife, to his others, I was just a bitch, who never thought about him. Truth was I should have left him then..lol

But my issue was never with the women, and directly with him. Had he been attentive and giving, it never would have crossed my mind. He pulled away, little by little eventually telling me he needed them because I didn't get him.

So, to me, I don't ever see jealousy as unfounded. Perhaps he hasn't done what my ex did. But SHE is missing something major from him...and you wouldn't know if he eats dinner at the computer with you, or if she was willing to have sex to find him jacking off to the computer instead...

You, personally can't make it ok. HE can though. If he can't then, you can deal with it as it is, or stop talking.

There may not be anything you can do.

 

[njlauren]

There is another possibility to consider in addition to what the others have already said. Sometimes, jealousy is simply a symptom of a person's own insecurities. Those insecurities don't necessarily have to be an effect of their partner's actions; they can be present already, and the other person's actions simply exacerbate the problem.

In other words, the wife *could* be jealous simply because she's insecure. Maybe her husband isn't doing anything to cause the jealousy, but his chatting with you makes her jealousy worse - or brings it more out in the open.

I agree, this could very well be the wife's insecurity as well, jealousy can be fed from feelings of inadequacy as well as other things.The fact that the husband hasn't hidden this, that the wife can read the messages, etc, lends me to believe that it may not be as simple as assuming the husband and OP are doing something that takes away from the marriage, it could be a combination of things, but I suspect it also is about the wife as well. If they had been hiding this , if they were spending excessive time chatting/messaging then maybe, but it doesn't sound like that.

I think to be honest that I would recommend telling your friend that it may be good if you guys cool it, that he needs to find a way to assuage his wife's fears. I could argue until I am blue in the face that if the husband is open about having a friend, let's the wife read their conversations, that she is being unfair and irrational, but it doesn't matter, it is obvious she is (and if she is upset after seeing what they chat about, if she knows that the OP's husband knows and is okay with it, then there is something really wrong there, either the guy on the other end has done something in the past to make her not trust him, or there is some emotional trigger there). The person who made a big deal about this being a porn site and judging the OP, the fact that this is a porn site is irrelevant if she saw what they were talking about and there was nothing in there, that judgement is unfair and quite frankly childish. If the spouse had refused to show her, wasn't open, she would have reason, but simply because this is about adult topics doesn't mean it is okay to go off the deep end, even though a lot of people would, but it is about their issues,not the OP's.

I think the husband has some things to think about as well, a marriage where there isn't trust isn't worth too much, and if everything is on the up and up as the OP says, then what the other wife is doing is unhealthy, you cannot tell a partner you trust who they can be friends with unless there is some proof they are doing something wrong, especially where they have been above board. Unless there is something going on we don't know about, if the OP misrepresented the story or maybe hubby spends all his time online or otherwise isn't giving his wife what he should (and that could be true, obviously), if this is all about the relationship as portrayed, there is something wrong there.

 

[njlauren]

Why does everyone have to be so damn honest? Why does the wife know that you are chatting on a porn site in the first place? Why has she been burdoned with this information? What is she supposed to think? Did you ever hear the od saying, what she doesn't know won't hurt her?

Get your own lap top, note book, or I-phone and get a secret yahoo/G-mail mail account. Keep everything password protected - say it is for work. If it is for work your spouse can't touch the device. Don't tell your spouse what you are doing. It is nothing more than chit chat on a porn web site anyway so why bother them with this information?

I don't think you can fix this mess but those of you who are reading think twice about sharing a computer or a mail account with your spouse. Don't tell them everything you are doing. They do not need to know this.

The problem with that is when it comes out, the shit hits the fan even worse, even if what they are doing is innocent it looks horrible. It seems really easy to sneak around, but if you think the wife is suspicious with this, imagine if she got wind of secret accounts and such, not knowing would make it 20 times worse..and hate to tell you, but if the wife already feels insecure, hubby having secret accounts on e-mail is going to make it even worse. People always think they can get away with stuff like this, but they can't, it comes out.

 

[njlauren]

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to be "jealous" when her husband is having an emotional affair right in front of her.

I would agree, but is chatting necessarily an emotional affair? I chat with people on here, pm them, and there is no emotional affair about it, we talk about our lives and things in them, but there is no emotion there, no sex chats, no terms of endearment...an emotional affair is when it goes beyond chatting about things and it starts conveying true feeling, when they are giving terms of endearment or more important, sharing intimitate thoughts. I am bisexual, but when I talk to a guy about football it isn't exactly flirting or politics or work, it isn't leading to sex, any more then if I talk about how to make a good beef stew or how much my job sucks or how hard it is to find heels that are comfortable with a woman is it emotional...I don't know what they were chatting about, but if they aren't sharing intimate details, it isn't an affair, or if it isn't so regular and long it crowds out others.....an emotional affair takes away from the real relationship, in which case I would think the OP"s H would be seeing it *shrug*

 

[njlauren]

I may need to recant a bit, the OP has a post on the BD/SM board called "I've got a conundrum", that talks about her own relationship and she mentions that she has an online relationship where they discuss fantasies and such, intimate thoughts, and if this is the same 'friend' then this is not innocent, this is an emotional affair. In the other post the OP mentions that her own marriage has issues and that she is seriously thinking about taking this online flirting onto a new level. If that is a different thread, then this one could be about simply friendship and jealousy, but the description over on the BD/SM board sounds like it is this one....

In which case, bluenightingale, I think you have a lot more issues then a jealous wife, it sounds like your own marriage has problems and that you need to think about what you are doing, either work on your marriage or decide to end it, but in either case, I would recommend putting aside the online thing you have been doing and work on the real one. Even if the friend in this case is a different one from the bd/sm forum one, I would pull the reigns on both, you have real issues to work on in your life.

 

[Primalex]

No amount of trying seems to convince her that there isn't something weird and kinky going on.

Maybe because there is something weird and kinky going on? Or how else would this thread compute?

 

[njlauren]

Maybe because there is something weird and kinky going on? Or how else would this thread compute?

That is the one I referenced above and it seems like the same story, in which case I am rather red in the face because that thread is not an friends only conversation, it is a full blown emotional affair, complete with sharing intimate fantasies of what sounds like Domme/sub play or something.

To be honest, reading that other post, it sounds like bluenightingale was a bit duplitious claiming this was an innocent online friendship and the wife was being unreasonable, if the husband let the other wife see these messages, that include sharing fantasies, it wasn't innocent, it was cruel, and if her husband is okay with this he either doesn't care or is pretty dense IMO.

If BN and her online paramour are unhappy with their marriages, then instead of complaining about the other wife being jealous, and so forth,they should both admit to the truth, that their marriages are shams, and either a)work with their respective spouses to fix what is broken or as seems more likely to me, agree to end it, move on, and maybe see if they are right for each other.Unless the two spouses are okay with an open marriage, this one is a recipe for heading right onto the rocks, and whatever weird thing BN's husband has going on with her, whether he thinks her online fling thing is cute or silly or whatever, the other spouse is obviously upset, because this isn't friends, this is two people seemingly heading into the morass of actually doing something while at the moment having a full blown emotional affair. The original post in how to makes it seem innocent, the one in the BD/SM forum says it isn't.