Deal with the past

[FlyingUnderwear]

I had this boyfriend a while ago, and he forced me to give him head, and it was the first time I had done it and it was awful. Since then, even when I've wanted to give head to a guy, I've freaked out and I can't do it. Any suggestions how I can get over this? And if I can't, are most guys OK with not getting head?

 

[EJFan]

different people are "ok" with different (or lack of different) things... basically, everyone's their own person with their own preferences and desires. a guy who doesn't respect your limits is a guy you need to not be with.

as far as getting past your trauma... it's just about time. oral sex can be enjoyable for the person giving it but only when they can get emotionally involved and feed off of the thrill the recipient gets from it.

i think that at some point, when time has passed and you're with the right partner, you'll have his dick in your mouth... he'll go nuts, you'll see how excited he is about it... you'll see how much pleasure he's getting from your efforts... it'll be a wonderful experience that you'll BOTH SHARE.

in the mean time, don't burden yourself with it... just be happy and give/get pleasure in whatever way you're comfortable with. and don't apologize to anyone for being who you are.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

I had this boyfriend a while ago, and he forced me to give him head, and it was the first time I had done it and it was awful. Since then, even when I've wanted to give head to a guy, I've freaked out and I can't do it. Any suggestions how I can get over this? And if I can't, are most guys OK with not getting head?

You do realized that a forced sexual act is a form of sexual assault, right?

You were sexually assaulted. That is undeniably traumatic.

Don't worry about what other people are OK or not OK with. Are you OK with having your sexual expression curtailed due to unresolved issues?

That's what you need to be able to answer. If yes, then go about your business. If not, then it's something only you can deal with.

I've dealt with several victims of sexual assault. What works for one does not work for others.

You might want to try a women's clinic in your area -- often they'll have counselors that you can talk to. It'll give you a sounding board, and maybe some ideas on how to get past it. They might refer you for therapy.

A thing that worked for a friend of mine: Write a journal, really dig deep, and find out exactly what it is about the situation that freaks you out. Sometimes it's not as obvious as it should be. When you've absolutely exhausted all avenues of emotional reaction, burn the journal and realize you never have to feel that way again. That's the person of yesterday.

Don't let preconceived notions throw you. If it's stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

 

[Cathleen]

How outrageous of that jerk... I am sorry that happened to you.

Both EJ and Lyrical said very good things. I can't offer more at the moment - his behavior was utterly disgusting. Do what you need to do for you ~ stay safe and if a man has an issue with your limits he isn't a man.

 

[LukkyKnight]

We all have a past, and when we embark on relationships we have to deal not just with our own, but with each other's. Counselling might be in order for you, but it's your call. Meantime, if you hook up with a guy who can't, doesn't, or won't respect that you don't want to engage in a particular form of sexual intimacy it's at a minimum a flag that he might not be as concerned with you as he is with himself.

 

[Pyro Paul]

I had this boyfriend a while ago, and he forced me to give him head, and it was the first time I had done it and it was awful. Since then, even when I've wanted to give head to a guy, I've freaked out and I can't do it. Any suggestions how I can get over this? And if I can't, are most guys OK with not getting head?

well, All tramatic episodes that people endure tend to leave lasting scars the only way to deal with them is by facing them, or basicly burying them. fear of sucking dick is fairly normal, most women dont like the taste, feel, or viscosity of semen and often will get extreamly sick, leaving a fair amount of 'i will never do that again' in their mind.

in most cases Men dont entierly care about blowjobs. and if a person cares about you then he wouldnt make the fact that you dont give them a piviotal point. alot of guys dont leave girls because they 'dont give good head'.

if you Really wish to get over it, then the best way is to take it slow, and take small steps.
first establish the fear fully. (you dont like to have a dick in your mouth, you dont like to have semen in your mouth, you dont like having semen on your face)
second take steps that touch your fears (kiss the dick but dont put it in your mouth, lick the pre-cum but not the load, smear the pre-cum on your face)
third is to act against the fear partly, suck a small bit in.
forth is to act against the fear fully.

as for a best senario for this would be have him lay on the bed while you play around with him, that then gives you the control of everything not him. also be sure that you dont let him get carried away and force it again or else it will be really bad.

i hope this helps partly, but you really have to go at it your own way. therapists and psych people all tell you the 'logical' way but those often dont work.

 

[raymar]

head

I can't speak for most guys, but I think any guy that really cares about you would be fine with whatever you are ready to give, let things come naturaly .

 

[SweetErika]

You've been given excellent advice so far. One piece I will add is to be sure you're honest with your partner(s) about your bad experience so he can treat you with the care and compassion you deserve. Not that most guys would be uncaring and push it, but I've had really good results sharing my issues, and my partners have voiced appreciation over knowing in advance (no worthy partner wants to do something, even unwittingly, that might hurt or make you uncomfortable).

I think sometimes it can be tempting to see sharing this kind of thing as a ploy for sympathy or to get out of something, when in reality it's necessary to your wellbeing and an act of trust and consideration toward the someone who cares about you.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

You've been given excellent advice so far. One piece I will add is to be sure you're honest with your partner(s) about your bad experience so he can treat you with the care and compassion you deserve. Not that most guys would be uncaring and push it, but I've had really good results sharing my issues, and my partners have voiced appreciation over knowing in advance (no worthy partner wants to do something, even unwittingly, that might hurt or make you uncomfortable).

I think sometimes it can be tempting to see sharing this kind of thing as a ploy for sympathy or to get out of something, when in reality it's necessary to your wellbeing and an act of trust and consideration toward the someone who cares about you.

Absolutely. To reiterate what SweetErika said: NO WORTHY PARTNER WANTS TO DO SOMETHING, EVEN UNWITTINGLY, THAT MIGHT HURT YOU OR MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

If they're not worthy, they're not worthy. End of story.

While it's good to take stock of possible partners, seeing which would be a good match and so forth, sometimes it's best to put on the brakes and deal with stuff before you enter another relationship and possibly add further insult to injury.

By no means am I saying you asked for this. NOT AT ALL. But people tend to repeat patterns that led up to the act until they're resolved and the cycle broken.

But that's just my two cents.

/hug

The Fool