Deal Breaker

[SensualCealy]

Carson, maybe you should tell your BF to tell you the second something bugs him, that way its over in what, a minute or two instead of brewing for days.

One second of thought can solve the problem. I have started doing that around my house, everyone coming to me to solve the problems.

Finally I just said, 'hey listen, its between you and your brother, I will stand here while you tell him whats wrong with what he is doing, as long as you are willing to stand here and listen.'

I do the same thing with hubby now too, if he is being an ass I tell him. Many nights we sit and watch tv together for him to pick every single thing apart on every single show or commercial . It got to where I hated watching tv with him. So I turned to him one night before Christmas and said, 'Cant you find anything nice to say about anything anymore?' I think I shocked him, and now all I have to do is turn and give him the look and he stops.

When someone feels they are the paste that holds everything together they feel overwhelmed, life is easier if others would help with being the paste to releave the stress.

JMO, C

 

[matriarch]

Um ...

Oh, nevermind.

*slap*.
Naughty Imp.

 

[impressive]

Naughty Imp.

It's what I do best.

 

[English Lady]

Deal breaker? Well the only thing is if i found out he was having any kind of relationship behind my back. I don't mind him having his online fun, offline too wihin reason but I want to know about it. Not in detail like*L* just know about it. Minute he starts hiding anything like that I'll be gone.

well so I say. I'd like to think i'm storng enough to do it.

Everything else can be worked through...I think!

 

[carsonshepherd]

WHen I was young and stupid, I cheated in relationships because fidelity wasn't important to me; and since it wasn't important to me I thought it was unnecessary. I missed out on the part where you do things because they're important to your partner. Now I don't fool around at all, even online, because fidelity is a big issue to my BF and I no longer want to do anything I can't be completely honest about. It's an icky feeling to hide something, and the older I get, I realize it's just plain too much work.

 

[cantdog]

Towels and chores, dishes, trash, picking up, newspapers, television.

All these are is roommate skills. You would need them with any roommate, whether there were a relationship or not. They are not the stuff a relationship is built of. They are good skills to work on, yes. But the relationship ought never to come a cropper because of irrelevancies of that kind.

The flip side of that is, do not attach relationship-type tags to roommate issues. As in, if you cared about me, you'd pick up the newspaper or How can I feel I can count on you, if you don't even do the dishes? That lends those things too much importance.

Candor, respect, love and trust-- these are the real issues. Bel's very wise proscription against jealousy goes to the respect issue. Jealousy is puerile and destructive, unrelated to love in any way. It is also pretty disrespectful.

Worry borders on disrespect, too. If you don't have to do with a grownup, why are you in the relationship? If they are grown, then how about assuming they can take care of themselves?

I am never responsible for someone else inflicting themselves with a succession of destructive emotional states:

I agree because when they are late you go through all the emotions.. worried something bad has happened, then mad at them and wanting to strangle them if nothing bad did happen, wondering if they are with someone else, back to worrying if something bad has happened.

Not when they ought to have enough respect to imagine instead that I'm an adult who can take care of myself. Worry changes nothing and it's miserable to go through. Why go through it? This has to do with respect as well.

But there is either a commitment or there isn't. Without one, the newspaper or the remote is a fine and dandy reason to leave someone. If there's supposed to be a commitment, you have to expect that neither of you will be perfect all the time. I see Colleen's limit, as she expresses it here, to be a very sensible one. If the commitment is all one way, the pattern will be discernible; it will then be time to reconsider.

 

[English Lady]

WHen I was young and stupid, I cheated in relationships because fidelity wasn't important to me; and since it wasn't important to me I thought it was unnecessary. I missed out on the part where you do things because they're important to your partner. Now I don't fool around at all, even online, because fidelity is a big issue to my BF and I no longer want to do anything I can't be completely honest about. It's an icky feeling to hide something, and the older I get, I realize it's just plain too much work.

Hubby and I are big sluts. we both know it so the online thing is something we both do- keeping each other informed so no jealousy type stuff comes into it.

 

[ezlay_2nite]

The only deal breaker, would be putting his hands on my kids in anger.
Not only would it be a deal breaker, it would most likely be a bone breaker.

 

[Guest]

Towels and chores, dishes, trash, picking up, newspapers, television.

All these are is roommate skills. You would need them with any roommate, whether there were a relationship or not. They are not the stuff a relationship is built of. They are good skills to work on, yes. But the relationship ought never to come a cropper because of irrelevancies of that kind.

The flip side of that is, do not attach relationship-type tags to roommate issues. As in, if you cared about me, you'd pick up the newspaper or How can I feel I can count on you, if you don't even do the dishes? That lends those things too much importance.

Candor, respect, love and trust-- these are the real issues. Bel's very wise proscription against jealousy goes to the respect issue. Jealousy is puerile and destructive, unrelated to love in any way. It is also pretty disrespectful.

Worry borders on disrespect, too. If you don't have to do with a grownup, why are you in the relationship? If they are grown, then how about assuming they can take care of themselves?

I am never responsible for someone else inflicting themselves with a succession of destructive emotional states:

I agree because when they are late you go through all the emotions.. worried something bad has happened, then mad at them and wanting to strangle them if nothing bad did happen, wondering if they are with someone else, back to worrying if something bad has happened.

Not when they ought to have enough respect to imagine instead that I'm an adult who can take care of myself. Worry changes nothing and it's miserable to go through. Why go through it? This has to do with respect as well.

But there is either a commitment or there isn't. Without one, the newspaper or the remote is a fine and dandy reason to leave someone. If there's supposed to be a commitment, you have to expect that neither of you will be perfect all the time. I see Colleen's limit, as she expresses it here, to be a very sensible one. If the commitment is all one way, the pattern will be discernible; it will then be time to reconsider.

Fascinating thread.

Great post, Cant. Very wise words, indeed.

I don't have any "deal breaker" limits. I also loved what Colly said, and I guess I'm much the same as her. Although, I've never reached a break point, and doubt I ever would. Sometimes people just drift apart, and that's different.

I'm a very tolerant and forgiving person. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and do things which annoy our partners, and if you truly love someone, you accept everything about them, warts 'n all. You cannot expect anyone to change what is essentially a personality trait, just because it annoys you from time to time. That can't be expected of you by another, either. The key is communication.

Lou

 

[English Lady]

The key is communication Lou. Very true.

 

[fille]

Lying. It doesn't have to be about major things, either, because if your partner lies to you about small things, you will never trust him/her about the big stuff anyway.

 

[rgraham666]

Having only been in one relationship I can't comment generally.

That one fell apart because she was an alcoholic and I went insane. I doubt few relationships would have survived that.

 

[Liar]

What cantdog said, basically.

Also there are things not related to the relationship between me and my partner that would be a deal breaker -- things that I might discover further down the road that would make my feelings change.

Like aggression. I don't think I could love someone who have a high tendency to violent actions. Although not directed at me or mine. I can accept and even respect people who have a short way from their brain to their fists. But I don't think I could se them as my better half.

 

[BlackShanglan]

WHen I was young and stupid, I cheated in relationships because fidelity wasn't important to me; and since it wasn't important to me I thought it was unnecessary. I missed out on the part where you do things because they're important to your partner.

Wise, Carson. *nuzzle* Very wise.

I think that this is where I will disagree with cantdog - although it always gives me pause to do so, as I generally find him so very cogent.

Yes, those items are "roommate" skills, and there is some sense in suggesting that they are not the crux of a romantic relationship. However, they are an aspect of one's partner that ones sees a great deal of, at least in a live-in relationship. And while perhaps it is melodramatic to turn it all into sobbing "if you cared for me" moments, there is, I think, some emotional signficance to the question of whether one is willing to accomodate one's partner at all, or to consider his or her feelings and little comforts in daily life. "Roommate skills" are important because they show an awareness that one's actions affect those around one, and that there is more than one person to be consulted in the running of the household. This remains true in a romantic relationship as well. If each partner seeks only what works best for him or her, then I think difficulties likely to arise, if only because they miss the small daily bonding and affirmation of their affection that thoughtful interaction provides.

Mind you, I'm told that sometimes I behave as if I live in a barn.

Shanglan

 

[scheherazade_79]

Asking my advice on relationships with guys. OK... she was bi... and no, she wasn't going behind my back about the people she flirted with... but we were in a relationship and I loved her, and she knew that. Still hurts like hell, even looking back on it.

 

[cantdog]

I don't think you're disagreeing, Shanglan; roommate skills are important on their own level, for sure. No one should abandon them because they aren't the most important thing there is. And if I am a motivator to make you want to improve the roommate skills, then it is certainly a compliment to me on a level higher than that.

But I think, sometimes, when that's the complaint, it really just stands in for something else. You say it was the towels or the seat, but it was a deeper incompatibility you are not willing to investigate. (Sometimes a lot of soul searching is pointless, if you're just going to bow out of a relationship anyway. I mean, who cares exactly why? What difference where to lay the blame? None of it makes a difference if you're gone.)

I think, sometimes, when that's the complaint, it really is the complaint, too. If that's what it is, then have a few discussions about roommate stuff, if you care to pursue the thing. But keep it on a roommate-stuff level, don't attach cosmic importance to it.

Sorry. It's a button for me.

cantdog

 

[BlackShanglan]

I don't think you're disagreeing, Shanglan ...

You're right. I see that I am not. And what an inexpressible relief that is.

With you now. Nice to be back in the paddock.

(Although personally I always like to know "why.")

Shanglan

 

[LadyJeanne]

Sometimes the towel thing feels like it's just roommate stuff, and sometimes it feels like you're being taken for granted, and sometimes it feels like it's a passive-aggressive thing - they leave the towels on the floor because they know it bugs you and they'd rather bug you than address the underlying issues. The latter two have both been deal-breakers for me.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Sometimes the towel thing feels like it's just roommate stuff, and sometimes it feels like you're being taken for granted, and sometimes it feels like it's a passive-aggressive thing - they leave the towels on the floor because they know it bugs you and they'd rather bug you than address the underlying issues. The latter two have both been deal-breakers for me.

Passive aggression is a big one. There is a big difference between "I do these annoying things because I genuinely don't think about how it annoys you because my mind is on other things" and "I do things to piss you off on purpose."

God, I hate mind games.

 

[impressive]

Passive aggression is a big one.

My mother gives lessons.

 

[nikkijames]

Carson I am glad to hear that you and the BF have made up.

 

[carsonshepherd]

My mother gives lessons.

My ex must have studied with her.

Carson I am glad to hear that you and the BF have made up.

Thanks. We'll be into it again by tomorrow

 

[impressive]

My ex must have studied with her.

She was graduated Magna ... um, nevermind

EDITED: Okay, Humor & Satire story idea up for grabs:

Magna, cum loud!

 

[minsue]

She was graduated Magna ... um, nevermind

EDITED: Okay, Humor & Satire story idea up for grabs:

Magna, cum loud!

*groan*

Oh, Imp, that was so very, very bad



Other than violence, I can't think of any specific deal breakers. There is no one thing that makes me long to be with someone so I suppose it stands to reason that there would be no one thing (other than not being beaten, of course) that would cause me to leave.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Other than violence, I can't think of any specific deal breakers. There is no one thing that makes me long to be with someone so I suppose it stands to reason that there would be no one thing (other than not being beaten, of course) that would cause me to leave.

There is never one thing. It's more of a pattern. The towel-on-floor issue can be part of a larger pattern of lack of respect. My ex used to blame me for everything. This was part of his pattern of never taking responsibility for anything (passive-aggression.) That built and built until finally, one day, I just chucked it.

My current partner isn't passive aggressive but he is a yeller. He uses yelling as a way to let off steam. I try hard not to take it personally - I mean he was a sergeant in the Marines - but sometimes it'd hard not to.

He tells me I think everything's about me. How dare he?