Dead Girl: Has Never Been Touched

[FurryFury]

Okay, I need to write this story I have in my head. I keep writing in the SRP's because, I think, I get feedback. I can feed off of the energy of the other people writing with me. It's wonderful when someone likes what I write on a RP thread, it keeps me going faster than writing with just myself alone. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have ideas to contribute?

In the meantime he is a possible first paragraph for my little fiction story about a vampire who is also mostly a good person.

I would appreciate any thoughts and comments.

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Gwen woke with a start. Her heart beating was so fast, lub a dub, lub a dub, she turned on her side and saw Jessica beside her. Her mind oriented, her new friend, yes, her bed, of course. She relaxed and heard her heart slow, then stop. This pulled at her, shock and adrenaline coursing through her, her heart again beat so fast, unnaturally fast. Would she ever get used to this? Would she ever cease being shocked? Perhaps one day she would be resolved to the simple fact that her heart didn’t have to beat anymore. She was dead.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Okay, I need to write this story I have in my head. I keep writing in the SRP's because, I think, I get feedback. I can feed off of the energy of the other people writing with me. It's wonderful when someone likes what I write on a RP thread, it keeps me going faster than writing with just myself alone. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have ideas to contribute?

In the meantime he is a possible first paragraph for my little fiction story about a vampire who is also mostly a good person.

I would appreciate any thoughts and comments.

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Gwen woke with a start. Her heart beating was so fast, lub a dub, lub a dub, she turned on her side and saw Jessica beside her. Her mind oriented, her new friend, yes, her bed, of course. She relaxed and heard her heart slow, then stop. This pulled at her, shock and adrenaline coursing through her, her heart again beat so fast, unnaturally fast. Would she ever get used to this? Would she ever cease being shocked? Perhaps one day she would be resolved to the simple fact that her heart didn’t have to beat anymore. She was dead.

Iwould drop the lub a dub, the onomatapia dosen't seem to fit the mood. It's also a bit confusing. You might need to set the tone of the piece a little before you announce she's already dead in such a blaze manner.

 

[cantdog]

I can't relate much. It's been years since I gave the undead any thought

It's good to establish right away who's dead, I expect. It would, though, make me hit the back button, done this early. If there had been something to hook my interest, genre would make MUCH less difference. I read a lesbian first-time watersports story because of the hooks in the first paragraphs, even though I would certainly have bailed without them.

The key is to catch the reader in the first few moments, to intrigue her to keep reading.

There is no formula for that. But if you have the knack, you can succeed at anything.

 

[FurryFury]

Iwould drop the lub a dub, the onomatapia dosen't seem to fit the mood. It's also a bit confusing. You might need to set the tone of the piece a little before you announce she's already dead in such a blaze manner.

Thanks for your comment! I will keep that in mind. I expect to be reworking this often.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

I can't relate much. It's been years since I gave the undead any thought

It's good to establish right away who's dead, I expect. It would, though, make me hit the back button, done this early. If there had been something to hook my interest, genre would make MUCH less difference. I read a lesbian first-time watersports story because of the hooks in the first paragraphs, even though I would certainly have bailed without them.

The key is to catch the reader in the first few moments, to intrigue her to keep reading.

There is no formula for that. But if you have the knack, you can succeed at anything.

I love vampire stories if they are good. I love violence and sex if well writen but what I like best of all is good story.

I do want to hook the reader in. That is for sure.

I'm trying to figure out how to do that.

Thanks for your comments.

Fury

 

[yui]

There is no formula for that. But if you have the knack, you can succeed at anything.

You rock, Cant.

 

[cantdog]

You rock, Cant.

Yui, that touches me, coming from you. You write with an intensity I can't match. I would probably be trapped helplessly into reading a yui story about slugs, man.

 

[Liar]

Gwen woke with a start. Her heart beating was so fast, lub a dub, lub a dub, she turned on her side and saw Jessica beside her. Her mind oriented, her new friend, yes, her bed, of course. She relaxed and heard her heart slow, then stop. This pulled at her, shock and adrenaline coursing through her, her heart again beat so fast, unnaturally fast. Would she ever get used to this? Would she ever cease being shocked? Perhaps one day she would be resolved to the simple fact that her heart didn’t have to beat anymore. She was dead.

If it was me writing this, I would skip that. I think saying "she was dead" straight away, is too much info too fast. I'd prefer to leave the reader with a "huh?" there for a few moments so they can figure t out for themselves. It's pretty obvious which way it leans anyway. Let her go on with getting up, waking up, making coffe, or whatever. Then drop more hints.

By the way, do you hear your heart slow and stop, or do you feel it?

 

[Liar]

Yui, that touches me, coming from you. You write with an intensity I can't match. I would probably be trapped helplessly into reading a yui story about slugs, man.

Hey, Yui! Up for the challenge?

 

[FurryFury]

If it was me writing this, I would skip that. I think saying "she was dead" straight away, is too much info too fast. I'd prefer to leave the reader with a "huh?" there for a few moments so they can figure t out for themselves. It's pretty obvious which way it leans anyway. Let her go on with getting up, waking up, making coffe, or whatever. Then drop more hints.

By the way, do you hear your heart slow and stop, or do you feel it?

Good points Liar!

I see what you mean.

Thanks,

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

Different starting paragraph possibility

Gwen looked at Cassandra’s creamy white, mostly bare, back and thought about what her explosive news story would do to the socialite. Just thinking about it had Gwen panting with excitement, well, almost. She better not actually make a sound though or someone might notice her and find her hiding place. That could mean disaster. There was no telling what people like this might do to her. Hugging a shadow, Gwen tried to calm down and stay quiet. Finally she had the story she had been waiting for. Beautiful and rich Cassandra Turlington was in a seedy building on the outskirts of the city and she was bidding against other “upstanding citizens” for “slaves”!