Dating vanilla while kinky — worth the effort?

[Dhabidommetrix]

I've dated a few vanilla slaves in the past years, and the relationships ended when my kinks came up. I'm wondering if it's worth trying again or just sticking to people in the lifestyle.

Anyone here made it work across that divide?

 

[Mikel2410]

have not but married now and she meets me somewhat just scared I’ll out grow what she is cool with

 

[PaxNurgle]

It is a hard thing for me. I've pretty much resigned to dating in the vanilla world at this point; just the way it is. It is always a challenge because you don't feel fulfilled in the way you want to be, and yes, as mentioned, you also don't want her to pick up on your kinks- and get freaked out or grossed out by it. I've had to surpress this side of myself with a lot of the women I've dated. I think there was at least one time where she picked up on it- some little subtle thing- (I don't feel like sharing 'cause this is embarassing) and broke up with me because of it.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

I've never had any real success. It’s hard to hide oneself, and you can’t push someone to be something they aren’t.

 

[SirSparky]

It is a hard thing for me. I've pretty much resigned to dating in the vanilla world at this point; just the way it is. It is always a challenge because you don't feel fulfilled in the way you want to be, and yes, as mentioned, you also don't want her to pick up on your kinks- and get freaked out or grossed out by it. I've had to surpress this side of myself with a lot of the women I've dated. I think there was at least one time where she picked up on it- some little subtle thing- (I don't feel like sharing 'cause this is embarassing) and broke up with me because of it.

If you want to share in private then pm me. Im curious

 

[SirSparky]

My marriage was pretty vanilla, I tried to bring some kinks into it, although she was receptive at first, as the years went on, she was less and less receptive till the point she called me a pervert. We eventually divorced for other reasons and on the divorce papers she put that I had sexually coerced her.

Im in a new relationship now and we have spoken about some kinks. So far she has enjoyed them. But she wont open up about any thoughts or fantasies she has, just tells me she will try anything I want and will tell me of she doesn't want to do it. I keep telling her I really want to know her thoughts too.

 

[G00d91rl]

It might work for a day or two but in the end, it's frustrating and leaves you empty. I've been alone for over 10 years because it's not worth it.
Being seen as a freak because you got wired wrong and have different needs then the norm is very hurtful.

 

[kreemi_pi]

When i go vanilla, i go HARD vanilla

 

[PaxNurgle]

I'm very submissive and get aroused by certain kinky situations, typically with me in a "Compromising" position. Both of these are things I'm trying to work on overcoming, in order to have a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship. It's a lot easier if you are naturally dominant. Your partner may not be "kinky" but at least she will be receptive to you being the dominant one, taking charge. On the other hand... If you are submissive, then (typically) your partner will expect you to be more pro-active and take charge, and if this is not natural, or it is hard for you, then it is something you really have to work on if you want to keep her interested in you.

 

[PleasureDaddy]

I like to keep my options open. Plus just because she doesn’t wear a choker in public doesn’t mean she wouldn’t like to wear one and nothing else at home. Some people are naturally born freaky. (I had thoughts ideas and experiences under 10). But vanilla women often surprise me.

 

[SirSparky]

It might work for a day or two but in the end, it's frustrating and leaves you empty. I've been alone for over 10 years because it's not worth it.
Being seen as a freak because you got wired wrong and have different needs then the norm is very hurtful.

Please pm me, id like to discuss why they see you as a freak? We are nkt wored wrong, just different. It wil be very boring if we were all the same

 

[AlwaysInTrouble]

I understand your point with the below, but do want to emphasize: Don’t let anyone ever tell you that “you’re wired wrong”. Your desires are yours and perfectly normal (within the bounds of minors, violence, etc)!

It might work for a day or two but in the end, it's frustrating and leaves you empty. I've been alone for over 10 years because it's not worth it.
Being seen as a freak because you got wired wrong and have different needs then the norm is very hurtful.

 

[Britva415]

I took the "wired wrong" thing as putting words in the mouths of judgmental squares, not as a self-image she believed.

 

[ChuckWolf]

Im in a new relationship now and we have spoken about some kinks. So far she has enjoyed them. But she wont open up about any thoughts or fantasies she has, just tells me she will try anything I want and will tell me of she doesn't want to do it. I keep telling her I really want to know her thoughts too.

Nothing more annoying than feeling like you're trying to pull teeth from your partner in getting them to tell you their fantasies and kinks.

One lady I was with, pretty much convinced me she really didn't have any actual sex fantasies - buzzkill and a deal breaker.

I blame us guys for this; generational shaming women for their sexuality and extinguishing it.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I have known (and even dated) a LOT of women over the years who were not only sexually vanilla, but actually sexually FRIGID.

This was likely the result of shame and guilt being ingrained in them from a young age, being taught that sex was "dirty," sexual desire was shameful and/or sinful. Or that it is only for the purpose of procreation, not recreation, and so on. So they grow up having a VERY unhealthy idea about sex, believing that it is not supposed to be pleasurable (and that you are risking eternal spiritual darkness if you find it so.) My community tends to be sexually conservative, many of which are members of the LDS faith, and this is what they are taught. Keep in mind I have nothing against Mormons or their religion- they are wonderful people, honest, kind, hardworking and have solid values. But sexual liberation is not one of those values. And, add in kink play to that, especially where the male gets aroused by being in a "compromising position" lets say, and even some of the more sexually adventurous people I've been with would just freak right out.

So yes, it can be a lonely and unfulfilling experience, trying to date in the vanilla world. I've kind of been resigned to it. It's not ideal, but the best I can hope for is a companion, friend, and lover for a long-term loving relationship, rather than a "play partner" to satisfy my deeper cravings. Even on this site, I've found there is some stigma towards being a submissive male. We do seem to get targeted disproportiontely by a lot of spammers, though. You notice there's not a lot of "Master seeks female submissive for discipline and bondage" spam bots.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

In my case, it's not really being kinky and with vanilla.. Than it is that I've been "experienced" with a virgin, or someone that's only been with one sex partner...

I've been in threesomes, FF, given BJ's to a total stranger in a bar parking lot etc... I'm not inexperienced, let's just say.

But I get aroused when I am the one that gets to teach them about different kinks, etc..
Hell, I am not opposed to being somebody's fetish just because of my size

So, being with someone vanilla can be fun... My late husband wasnt into many kinks, and he was a total virgin when we met.. But we had an amazing sex life for 25 years!!

 

[G00d91rl]

I understand your point with the below, but do want to emphasize: Don’t let anyone ever tell you that “you’re wired wrong”. Your desires are yours and perfectly normal (within the bounds of minors, violence, etc)!

Thank you for the kind words