Dating and the non-vanilla individual

[Christhecat]

I was posting over on the "How to get a girlfriend" thread on "How To"

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=638555

when a variation on that idea piqued my curiosity: How do you find someone who's into S&M, or otherwise open to sexual experimentation?

Dating is one thing, but you're not going to go out to dinner and ask, "So, do you like being slapped and choked during sex?" or "How do you feel about watersports?" It doesn't fit so well in between questions about where you grew up and your favorite bands.

I like experimentation. I like rough sex. I like having control over submissives. I like some out-there stuff. Amazingly, even though I've had limited experience due to shyness/confidence/whatever issues as well as just plain bad luck and bad timing, I've managed to find a surprising number of people (over the Internet, I should add, and no one in the same community) who are into what I'm into, or are willing to try new things and learn along with me. Once again, however, that's meeting on-line -- not traditional methods of meeting people/dating. And now I know what I like, so there's no going back.

Additionally, living in small town Bible belt makes it even harder. There's no S&M events, you don't go spreading it around what all you're into, and even the people you meet that you like are pretty conservative. One local woman I've been flirting with would make a great date in most conventional respects, but she'd probably recoil in horror if she knew how non-vanilla I like it.

I'm curious -- how did the people on this forum meet their partner (assuming both partners are more or less on the same page, sexually)? Did you just get lucky and discovered later on that this person liked what you like? Did your tastes evolve together? Did you have a specific way of finding this certain type of person? If your type is anything but vanilla, then how do you actively seek out someone who's your type? Or can you even do so through the dating game as most people know it to be?

I'm interested to hear the various stories and takes on this.

 

[Cattypuss]

One local woman I've been flirting with would make a great date in most conventional respects, but she'd probably recoil in horror if she knew how non-vanilla I like it.

Most people would say that about me - and they'd be VERY wrong. I am respectable and butter-wouldn't-melt. On the outside. Until people know me very well.

Never judge a book by its cover

 

[zoe8]

When I signed up for FetLife account I found several Vermont groups. I will have to drive an hour to get to these events but I think that is quite reasonable. While I'm not loving FetLife that much it does seem to help people get connected.

As for my personal relationship, we have been together 10 years. The roles of D/s were already somewhat there. He was drawn to my submissive side and I was drawn to his Dominant side... now we are just pushing those roles further. Its not fantasy perfect but its perfect for me.

 

[asteele1390]

i myself have found a club in a "nearby" city that i would love to show up in a collar and leash by myself asking if anyone has seen my Master.....it doesn't really have much to do with your post tho.....just wanted to see how ppl felt about that idea XD

 

[cromsgirl]

I was very lucky. My husband and I had been together for ten years and decided to try to enhance our sex life. We grew together in BDSM. I don't have any answers for you, but I thought you might like the story.

 

[Homburg]

One I met when we were both in college. Ten years later, she tells me she wants to go BDSM.

One I met at a vanilla social event. We were interested in each other, and mutual interest in kink came about later.

One I met here.

I've found play partners in clubs, at parties, online.

In my case, it's pretty simple. If a woman is attracted to me, she is likely to be kinky, kink-friendly, or willing to experiment. Strictly vanilla girls just don't seem to go for me. Can't imagine why

 

[bethpage]

Not sure how much help this is going to be, but I'd guess that many women are much more kinky than they look on the outside. I'm a teacher/librarian/preacher's daughter (yeah, the last one wasn't a choice of mine, but it is true) and I often look it. The whole thing is that for most of the women I know, just because they are interested in some kink doesn't mean they want to explore it with everybody.

Not sure what to suggest for the Bible belt issue, either. I don't go advertising at church that I'm looking for a dominant man and want to be tied up--but any guy I can push around doesn't usually make it to the third date, either. And even my most straight laced boyfriends have had leanings toward the kinky side.

So maybe you might just want to ask. You might not want to inquire how kinky she is until the subject of sex has already come up, though.....just sayin'.

 

[intothewoods]

I would try FetLife and CollarMe, for the heck of it, without expecting anything. See what local munches are near you - they may be far, but check them out. Also, I agree with others, that there are a lot of kinky/sex-positive/experimental folks who have nothing to do with the scene. So you may want to just date the old-fashioned way! I don't get the sense that you have a specific fixed D/s orientation. So rather than look for someone who is into the same exact laundry list as you, you may want to look more generally for someone who is, as the advice guy Dan Savage says, "good, giving and game" in bed.

 

[WickedEve]

Additionally, living in small town Bible belt makes it even harder. There's no S&M events, you don't go spreading it around what all you're into, and even the people you meet that you like are pretty conservative.

I'm in a small southern town. I have a good reputation. I actually have a bit of a goody goody rep. It's drives me insane because I can't do anything about it. I have small children and loads of family in a town of about 6,000. So I behave -- in public. The rest of the time, I go to extremes as hard as I can.
I found my dom online. We've been together a year and a half and we're moving in together this summer. I found him on alt.com. I talked with some rather undesirable characters on there and was ready to give up. I feel like I lucked out finding my man.

 

[lilylicious]

Interesting topic, at least to me, since I'm also dating.
I'm on collarme and recently also on FetLife. Collarme has produced nothing but flakes, married guys and men without personalities strong enough to handle me. I should probably attend the local munches but am not sure I'm quite ready to go public like that yet.

I actually met my first submissive on a vanilla dating site. Through that same site I've made some new contacts which could be promising. We'll see.

I'm finding with some guys talking about our sexual/kinky desires just happens naturally. With others, it's not so easy, and no, it's not like it's something I always feel I can bring up in those get to know you conversations.

As if finding the right guy wasn't already hard enough, now I need to make sure he's spankable! LOL.

 

[Netzach]

If I lived somewhere I couldn't be myself to any degree and I had no hugely compelling reason I had to stay there I'd consider relocating.

There are ways to explain that you like unconventional sex without scaring the pants off of people who are not compatible, but you also don't really want to keep dating and dating people who are not compatible. If you like someone a lot and think you can keep it under wraps for her, it's not that big a deal, it will go away - chances are if it's really you it won't, won't and you can't.

Eliminate the sexually incompatible early on, was my theory having made that mistake once.

If you think it's hard to find a girl who likes some kink, try finding a bisexual non-jealous poly male who likes a *lot* of kink.

It's really harder and harder the more niche your needs, but the more niche your needs the more important it is to stick to your guns.

"I'm kind of a freak in bed (smile)" can actually come off quite charming.
Then if they ask, let them know not to ask things they don't really want answers to, so think it over. Reassure them kids pets and dead things are not what you're talking about.

It really can be done if you do it from a position of self confidence. Sadly most of us reach that point only after we're kind of done with shame.

 

[Christhecat]

Thanks all for the advice.

I'm actually trying collarme right now, and have tried other sites in the past ... my only problems are that a) that will almost always end up long distance since there's rarely anyone else on there from my area (I've done long-distance, and it sucks), and b) I just really feel like I should be meeting people in person at this point. I've done the on-line thing a lot, and I really want to get better at the more "traditional" way. Nonetheless, whatever works, works, I guess.

Reassuring are the posts by people who say they're conservative, maybe even church-y on the outside, less so on the inside. Those are the people I'm dealing with here (hell, I'm like that myself -- I've been told I look "safe," and not in a good way) so hope springs eternal, I suppose. As one of you noted, "good, giving, and game" is pretty much exactly what I'm looking for, and I'm pretty GGG myself. I have no problem with conservative and church-y ... I just don't want that to carry over into the bedroom.

 

[YourCaptor]

The more deviant sexual stuff tends to come out around the time someone would feel comfortable spending the whole night at your place chatting.

It takes some time to get their, too much time to only then know that this person is not for you.

A better way must exist.

 

[lilylicious]

I think I may try Netzach's advice.

"I'm kind of a freak in bed (smile)"