Date

[HybridCrow]

Yeah i know, I just... I could care less about my family stuff
my friends seem to think I do stuff to subconciously react to it, but other than occasionally when I talk to my mom or w/e

I dont really want to complain to someone about my family crap so much as just be with someone so i wont feel so lonely anymore

As far as my mom, I cant cut her off... I just couldnt

Nah, don't cut her off, simply tell her you've heard enough of it and you already get the point she's making. Also tell her that it's not helping you any that she constantly tells you about it. That's what I did to my mom. I pretty much told her I didn't care and I'm sick and tired of listening to the same old shit over and over again. I apologized and told her I loved her, but it wasn't helping me any when she wouldn't let up on it.

 

[HybridCrow]

Ravin, I'm sorry to pick on you once again, but you HAVE to stop giving dating advice. You, yourself, admit you have never dated anyone. College girls won't listen to your problems??? That's pure bullshit.

It's not pure bullshit. There are a few types of college girls who don't give a shit, so you can't possibly say it's pure. I can't give a percentage either, but I'll just say that NOT ALL college girls are like that.

It's amazing that even I haven't had dates before, but I can still manage to give good advice.

 

[jedi007gotham]

Nah, don't cut her off, simply tell her you've heard enough of it and you already get the point she's making. Also tell her that it's not helping you any that she constantly tells you about it. That's what I did to my mom. I pretty much told her I didn't care and I'm sick and tired of listening to the same old shit over and over again. I apologized and told her I loved her, but it wasn't helping me any when she wouldn't let up on it.

Oh, no ive done that countless times... she just doesnt listen though

 

[dollface007]

It's not pure bullshit. There are a few types of college girls who don't give a shit, so you can't possibly say it's pure. I can't give a percentage either, but I'll just say that NOT ALL college girls are like that.

It's amazing that even I haven't had dates before, but I can still manage to give good advice.

I'm making an absolute statement about Ravin's absolute statement. So I feel justified in saying it's pure bullshit.

Anyways, I'm probably not giving Jedi enough credit. He probably knows to take dating advice from people who have never dated with a grain of salt. I'm not trying to put you down for not dating, i'm just saying you're probably not the greatest resource available. As someone who Jedi can relate to, i think you are fabulous.


edited for poor sentence construction

 

[jedi007gotham]

It's not pure bullshit. There are a few types of college girls who don't give a shit, so you can't possibly say it's pure. I can't give a percentage either, but I'll just say that NOT ALL college girls are like that.

yeah I imagine its not all of them, but it is way up there
Right?

besides that, is it possible maybe im too old for girls my age, if that makes any sense

I mean idk, it seems almost as though my tastes are a bit more mature than those of most people my age.... am I too old for girls my age? I mean is that even possible?

I hate dating.... its so confusing yet so appealing

 

[phoenix1224]

besides that, is it possible maybe im too old for girls my age, if that makes any sense

I mean idk, it seems almost as though my tastes are a bit more mature than those of most people my age.... am I too old for girls my age? I mean is that even possible?

I hate dating.... its so confusing yet so appealing

It's definitely possibe to be more emotionally mature than people your own age.

Personally, I dated women 3-5 years older than myself (and one that was 11 years older and yet another that was 14 years older... ) while I was in my twenties because I found that the vast majority of women my own age (or younger) were just too immature and superficial for me to take seriously.

But now, at age 30, I'm with a woman who is 23... And we're on an even level maturity wise.

It's just a matter of finding the right woman for you... So keep looking... She's out there somewhere.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Well maybe I'm in my own little world, but here most girls don't want to hear problems.

And when I say, be self happy, I am not talking family. I mean self. As someone said, you need to tell your mother to basically shut her mouth and if she needs to vent go talk to a doctor or someone who is trained to listen to it.


Ravin

 

[jedi007gotham]

yeah, I do tell her that, but half the time she doesnt listen to me
and the other half shell shut up about it but then just call later and complain

 

[Ravin the Poet]

yeah, I do tell her that, but half the time she doesnt listen to me
and the other half shell shut up about it but then just call later and complain

Thats where you hang the phone up. She didn't like it, well to bad for her. Fact is, she fucked up. She married the guy. This is where the choice comes in. It's a bad one as well. If you stop talking to your mother, you hurt that relationship, but you help yourself. You keep talking to her, helps her, hurts you. It's a shit situation. This is why I think, you don't need a girl friend when you got more serious matters to deal with.

Believe me, I was in the same boat. I took a year off from women. And I am serious, I didn't go after anyone, I didn't like anyone in that way. Your 20, I'm 19, we are both young and you have lots of time to date. For me, I use to take relationship shit hard. If I liked a girl, thats all I thought about. Now, I don't. Seems bad, but I can actually go about my day and be good. This is why I say over and over. Don't worry about talking to women, getting all caught up in clubs just to meet people. Fix your life in general and believe me, everything gets better.

I have this belief and it is my own, so take it if you want. I believe if you 100% want a relationship, you will not get it. Your too focused. If you say you don't want one, your trying to kid yourself in to thinking you like being alone. But if you are in the middle, it's when life is the most fun. Because alone or with someone, your happy and thats all that matters.


Ravin

 

[jedi007gotham]

but how exactly do i get it so im in the middle? rather than wanting it too bad

 

[Eilan]

This is where the choice comes in. It's a bad one as well. If you stop talking to your mother, you hurt that relationship, but you help yourself. You keep talking to her, helps her, hurts you. It's a shit situation.

Are you really encouraging someone to treat his own MOTHER that way when she's obviously going through an extremely painful and stressful experience? Not only did I experience something similar with my parents' divorce, I went through a similar situation myself about five years ago. Unless you've been there, you have NO idea what his mother's going through right now. While jedi007gotham might choose to limit contact for the sake of his own sanity, he shouldn't just cut her off.

When my ex and I separated, our children were small (toddler and very young infant), and it wasn't appropriate for me to dump my problems on them, yet emotionally, I HAD to stay afloat for their sake. Fortunately, I had some wonderful friends and family members who kept me afloat during that time. I can't imagine how devastated I would have been if they would have cut me off because they were tired of dealing with my problems. Hell, I was tired of dealing with my problems, but I was able to keep my sanity by blowing off steam to those around me.

Fact is, she fucked up. She married the guy.

That's a shitty thing to say when you don't know the people involved. I'll allow that some people make a mistake by getting married, but just because someone's marriage doesn't last doesn't mean it was a mistake. I don't consider my first marriage to be a mistake, because only the last few months were the really terrible ones. Besides, I got two amazing children out of the deal, and I would never, EVER consider that a fuck-up!

If i fix my problems with it, is it possible ill be too old to fall in love?

I mean i suppose anyone can fall in love regardless of age and all of course, but I want to have a family and Im afraid if I work this stuff out i wont be able to start dating for a long time, like when im 30 then not be able to find someone to marry till im about 40 and then it would be hard to have kids since were both older, both conception would be harder and just taking care of them (whether we are able to concieve or adopt or w/e) would be harder when were older

Or am i just freaking out about nothing?

Whoa! Honestly, I think that your mind's going into worst-case scenario mode here. While things might seem really bad right now, they'll get better. It takes time, and sometimes the healing's slow-going, but it will happen.

One question: Does your mother, with younger kids at home, have friends or other family members to talk to or access to some kind of low-cost counseling? This might ease the burden on you somewhat, while giving her an opportunity to vent. If your mother's depending solely on you for her emotional support, that's not fair to you, but at the same time, it's not fair to her if you ignore her.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Yor right I don't know the people. What I do know is, the guy has said this is making him depressed/upset when his mother calls and freaks about the father. Well as a 20 year old, I am sure he can stand up for himself and say "look, I don't want to hear this anymore."

I haven't gone through this. My parents are still married, but if they start freaking on me about the other one, I just leave or tell them to shut up.

I'm sorry Jedi, but I am not going to sit here and baby you. I'm giving you straight answers and not holding your hand and telling you everything will be ok. Fact is, if you want to be in a relationship, you first need to as the saying is "love yourself" which I'm not feeling from you. Believe me, once you get into that mood, you will reach the middle I was talking about without any effort at all. Single or not, you will be happy. I will be honest, I told a lot of people off, got in a lot of verbal fights and lost friends, but in the end, I am extremely happy. And this is something I KNOW first hand of. Your the same age as me, in basically the same type of scene. And I don't know why people don't say it more often, but if you become self happy, everything falls into place.

Ravin

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I mean i suppose anyone can fall in love regardless of age and all of course, but I want to have a family and Im afraid if I work this stuff out i wont be able to start dating for a long time, like when im 30 then not be able to find someone to marry till im about 40 and then it would be hard to have kids since were both older, both conception would be harder and just taking care of them (whether we are able to concieve or adopt or w/e) would be harder when were older

Or am i just freaking out about nothing?

Dude you made a 20 year jump ahead. If it takes you 10 years to fix your problems, you need a doctors help. I took a year, a full year to fix all mine and there were a lot. I'm 19 now. You keep jumping ahead, when really the girl of your dreams could be 10days, 10weeks, 10months away. You don't know what will happen. I doubt you will go until 40 without dating someone.

I think you are thinking WAY to much into this. It's part of that "you want it so bad" because all you do is talk about it, which makes your life worse because then you think of all the bad shit. I have been here, and yes it sucks. You just need to relax a little and let things just happen. Things seem to work out in the end.

Ravin

 

[Noor]

Yeah i know, I just... I could care less about my family stuff
my friends seem to think I do stuff to subconciously react to it, but other than occasionally when I talk to my mom or w/e

I dont really want to complain to someone about my family crap so much as just be with someone so i wont feel so lonely anymore

As far as my mom, I cant cut her off... I just couldnt

I know this won't help your dating but I can understand why you don't want to cut your mom off, I wouldn't either in your case. I don't understand your mom's lawyer though, your dad cut off health insurance to 4 minor children??? If you mom is a stay at home mom, I suggest she try and get some help from state social services, no insurance is scary.

what does "w/e" stand for?

 

[Noor]

Dating advice

Make as many friends as you can. Join clubs, meet people. Volunteer somewhere if you have the time. Tell your friends you are looking for a nice person to date, let them help you. Practice being comfortable around women. Think of fun date ideas that don't cost money.

 

[jedi007gotham]

.One question: Does your mother, with younger kids at home, have friends or other family members to talk to or access to some kind of low-cost counseling? This might ease the burden on you somewhat, while giving her an opportunity to vent. If your mother's depending solely on you for her emotional support, that's not fair to you, but at the same time, it's not fair to her if you ignore her.

yes, she has her best friend, my grandfather (whos tired of hearing it) and my aunt (her sister) and uncle (her brother)

yeah i try not to ignore her, i just.... theres not much i can do

i mean, I get it, my ex dad is an asshole... not much i can do about it

 

[jedi007gotham]

I know this won't help your dating but I can understand why you don't want to cut your mom off, I wouldn't either in your case. I don't understand your mom's lawyer though, your dad cut off health insurance to 4 minor children??? If you mom is a stay at home mom, I suggest she try and get some help from state social services, no insurance is scary.

what does "w/e" stand for?

yeah he cut it off... idk my mom seems to think that her own lawyers are even against her

and my dad is already in contempt of court for closing his business despite a court order... and nothing has come of it

my mom was a stay at home mom, but she had to go back to work to help pay for my tuition and her lawyer bills

oh btw,
w/e stands for whatever

 

[jedi007gotham]

btw, thanks to everyone for helping me..... i feel a lot better lately
i still feel kinda bad about not being with someone but its not as bad ... so far anyways

 

[HybridCrow]

Like a lot of us has said, and myself needing to take the advice, forget about getting dates and going out with people until AFTER YOU are feeling great.

I have too much going on for me right now, that the last thing I really needed to do was think about dating, because I can't do any dating in my current state. I need to get my debts taken care of and find my inner peace and happiness.

Not to mention a recent speeding ticket has set my whole financial plans to a screeching halt, because that ticket is another bill, but a more IMMEDIATE bill I need to take care of. Luckily I should have plenty of time before the court date to find out what the fine is.

I'm not saying not to talk to girls or anything either. From my own BEST guess, you'll more likely have a chance of getting dates if you talk to people. Just talk to them. Have conversations. Don't think about dating or any of that stuff, because then it just might not help.

Whatever happened with that one girl you was telling us about? You do what I suggested?

 

[jedi007gotham]

No, I havent seen that girl since I last wrote about her on here...... Ive just been swamped with with school work, so I havent found a lot of time to go over to where she works

 

[nycphoto]

Best place to meet them is in college, orginizations or work. If your bold you can meet them in clubs or bars.
Other than that you should try internet dating. Try yahoo or something to the sort.