Date

[jedi007gotham]

Hi
I hope a lot of you dont think of me as too hmmmmm idk weak or inferior in some way or something

but let me tell you my situation

I am a 20 yo guy
Ive never had a gf, been on a date, kissed a girl..... basically nothing
I feel just so lonely sometimes

Im planning to wait until i am married (reading on lit or w/e is one thing, sex quite another)

so basically, I am not looking for sex, im looking for someone to have a serious relationship with and what not

My dad recently abandoned my family and weve been going through a lot of crap the past few years..... A lot of my friends think my dating problems have a lot to do with feelings of abandonment from my dad leaving us, but I really dont think thats what it is


anyways,

please someone try to help me out if you can
im a good guy and i just cant seem to meet people

how do i meet girls that wont either avoid me or just want to be friends (as those in the past have)?

and how do i flirt/ recognize flirting too?

I just....... I basically know nothing about any of this stuff and im so confused and, to be honest, just dont understand anything about dating

 

[My Own Way]

Hmmm....well I think I'm gonna give this one a shot...first of all...no one understands dating. Seriously. The rules of dating, the how to's, the where how's, etc. are different for every person. You could read 10 Self Help books on dating and get 10 entirely different theories. Dating is all about figuring out what YOUR rules, YOUR boundries, YOUR wants, and YOUR needs are, and then attempting to find someone who sees dating in a similar way. You want to wait to have sex until you're married, then you need to find someone who feels the same way. Obviously it's not something you introduce yourself with, "Hi, I'm so and so, I'm a virgin and I'm waiting till I get married." That might be too much info. But before you let a realtionship go too far you have to make sure you have similar goals and world views. Not the SAME goals and such...just along the same thought pattern. At the same time, you also have to accept that these goals and views might change. You might meet a woman who you know without a shadow of a doubt you love, and you decide to have sex. Accept that nothing is etched in stone.

So...how do you meet people. First of all, you'll find that a lot of threads deal with this. How to meet someone, how to get people to like you, etc. First of all, you have to like yourself. You have to understand you, before you can expect other people to. Once you do this, there will be a certain inner confidence that you outwardly portray to women that will just make you attractive. Second of all, you have to put yourself out there. I'll admit, I'm shy, so this step is really difficult for me, but you have to be willing to set outside your self contained world of shyness eventually and take the plunge. This is something I struggle with every day. Again, you need to meet people in places you're interested in. Grab a buddy and go to open mic night at the local bar, join a book club, a religious group, whatever. That way, right away, whoever you meet you know you have at least one thing in common with.

As for flirting. Flirting is a lot like dating. No one person does it the same. Some people are outrageous, others are more shy about it. I find that the most refreshing type of "flirting" is the honest kind. I don't like the compliments or the silly pick up lines. I prefer the straight forward talk.

Sorry this is so long...but I hope it helps!

 

[HybridCrow]

Dude, I am somewhat like you, although I am 21 years old instead.

Only way MY dad left, he passed away of a heart attack when he was making a delivery. That was almost a year ago and it still hurts me because we never really had a good father/son relationship, even though I wanted to fix that.

Although I've never dated, have been a 3rd wheel numerous times and not fun, believe me, unless you end up going home with the other guy's date, then that would be f-ing awesome. But I can tell you the best way to go about flirting is I guess similar to what MyOwn was saying. You pretty much don't think about whether or not you're flirting. Just have conversation and don't read into anything. It just shows you're trying too hard.

Most people tell me my problem is I need to lower my standards, but that simply isn't true to me. First off, I have to have standards. Well, if you count not liking high school looking, talks-too-much-about-nothing kind of girls as a standard, then ok, so there is one standard. Another thing people tell me my problem is I'm too negative. Well, I didn't START out negative in the first place. There's a REASON why I'm negative. That's an inner demon I have to vanquish though before I know for sure what it is.

Anyhow, like I said, just have casual conversations with them and get to know them a bit. If they enjoy you, hopefully they will show it too, then try asking them out.

As far as meeting women goes, it's entirely up to you. Better yet, you have friends, right? Go to places with them where women hang out and you can meet them there. Just hope your friends won't be assholes the whole time and ruining any chances you have.

Hopefully some of this helped.

 

[jedi007gotham]

wow thanks
yeah what both of you have said has helped quite a bit , if anyone has anything else to add though, id still love to hear it

anyways yeah thanks


I guess my problem, now that ive read what you wrote, isnt so much that i cant find anyone as it is i just want one person in particular and cant find anyone close

oh well

 

[HybridCrow]

Actually, that is not a problem. Everyone has a "perfect match" that they want. You may find it and you may not find it. I think it's also known as a soulmate too, but I could be wrong.

My advice on this part, and believe me I need to start taking my own advice too, is to just go out and have fun. You're young. You have plenty of time ahead of you. Keep your morals and beliefs, but at the same time, still have fun.

 

[silverwhisper]

hybridcow: that was excellent advice. i can think of nothing to add.

ed

 

[zerimar1231]

It's ok to wait for sex until you're married, and NO YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. I've never dated, i got a new job, met a guy and started going out with him. I don't recommend you go to bars, there's always drunk people there, instead i would go out with friends. Maybe go to a party, talk to people, mingle a little, let them know you're single & looking. If you're into church, go to youth group meetings, there's always great girls there! If all else fails, go to PerfectMatch.com or Harmony.com! You got nothing to lose but $50! Gd luck, keep us updated with what happens!

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I'm going to say get your life in order first. You have said you have been going through some hard times and it shows on your emotions and how people see you. You get yourself together, you become happier and things happen.

I too am 19 (20very soon) never kissed a girl, never dated anyone, but I am having the time of my life. I suffered from depression and it reflected the relationships I had with people. NOW I am over my problems, I enjoy myself and love to be happy for once. So what if you have never been kissed or ever dated someone.

Look at it this way, in the end, you marry someone (going with average person here) and you spend your life kissing them. This isn't a competition of how many girls you can kiss. Hell, I want mine to be special and most girls don't believe me when I say I have never kissed anyone because of my attitude.

Seriously, once your life starts getting better, the relationships get better. In your post, honestly you come off a little whiney. Well if your looking for a serious relationship, a women will not want someone who whines. This is not a put down, but I was the same. I bitched about everything and well, I got no where. But once your life improves, you become happy just being yourself, you will be fine.

Ravin

 

[jedi007gotham]

so are you saying basically just wait out this crap with my parents ( i should probably add my dad was emotionally/verbally abusive etc.) as long as it takes?

Or do you think theres something I can do to kind of speed up the process?

thanks

 

[Eilan]

so are you saying basically just wait out this crap with my parents ( i should probably add my dad was emotionally/verbally abusive etc.) as long as it takes?

Or do you think theres something I can do to kind of speed up the process?

I know where you're coming from regarding your parents--I experienced something similar when my parents divorced (14 years ago). It really does suck no matter how old you are. Try not to let their issues become your issues--it's easier said than done, I know.

You're 20 years old, so I don't know that you have to "wait out" anything, unless you're still living at home, in which case, you may want to look into finding somewhere else to live (if it's financially feasible), particularly if you're in a situation where ANY type of abuse might exist. It'll be worth it if it saves your self-esteem.

You may have to think about getting your life in order before you start dating. And, for what it's worth, there have been some recent threads about flirting, which tend to support what My Own Way said--no two flirters are alike.

Good luck.

 

[jedi007gotham]

yeah... thanks
but no I live on campus, about an hour from home, but I still feel it from money being tighter than usual, and my dad cutting off my health insurance and my mom constantly calling me to tell me what an asshole he is even though ive told her numerous times that I feel bad but I just cant deal with it/dont want to hear it

so i guess wherever i go its still going to follow me
unless I stop talking to my mom or w/e but I love her too much to do that

 

[hook848]

Hello jedi,

If you're interested in receiving email with dating tips try this link.

http://www.doubleyourdatingprogram.com/

Its free and this guy has some prettty good advice on improving your skills when it comes to approaching women. He is going to try and get you to buy his ebook or other products but you dont have to. Just do it for the email. Use a free email account if you're worried about spam.

I'm a shy guy like yourself and I'm looking for a relationship too. I used some of the things he talks about and women sure respond differently when I do.

Its been stated repeatedly that confidence is key and I think most women would agree. Some women can't help being attracted to a confident guy.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. Relax and learn some new social skills and you'll do fine.

 

[RavenousRae]

You said you live on campus, so you must be going to a university/college right? Well if you aren't already involved in some clubs, academic or social, then you should go to some meetings - check out your schools website and see the event listings - go to plays, concerts, movie nights, lectures, etc.. and try and strike up conversation with some people around you. College is an excellant place to meet people - where else are you going to find massive quanities of people your own age doing like-minded tasks. Even at dining halls is a great place to meet people or just smiling and saying hi to people every day - it really does make a difference in people days to see that sometimes. When I was an undergrad a guy randomly sat with me when I was eating lunch alone one day - we had a great conversation and after that we started to meet each other regularly for meals, so you never know what could happen until you try.

 

[jedi007gotham]

Yeah, Im on campus, and I am in a bunch of clubs, but unfortunately it seems that they are either mostly guys, or the girls that are there all have bfs anyways

but i guess your right.... maybe I should just be friendlier or something i suppose

I did just find out this one girl who I had a crush on last year but havent really talked to since was apparently flirting with me... or so say my girl friends

she was so great... I know where she works for her part-time job, and I know she remembers me because Ive been in there a few times and shes smiled like crazy at me

but I think it would be creepy if I just randomly went in there and asked her out after not having a conversation with her in about a year right?
lol

 

[jedi007gotham]

and thanks for the link hook.... hopefully itll help me out a bit

i dont really want to double my dating since zero times 2 is zero lol
but if i could just meet this one girl it would be amazing


it does help me feel better though that at least im not the only one having problems with this kind of stuff... as evidenced by a bunch of the responses already

 

[dollface007]

Lots of good advice here, and you don't sound whiny. You're going through A LOT right now. I know this isn't really a "guy" thing to do, but i highly highly suggest you go to your university health center to see a counselor. Even if it's just a few times. They can help you figure out how to talk to your mom and deal with your dad. Not a cool situation to be in, it will be much easier if you don't have to figure it all out on your own.

Now, about the girls...The vast majority of the people i dated in college (and now in graduate school) I either met through clubs/activities or through mutual friends. If your friends don't normally hang out with girls, i highly suggest you find some who do, or diversify your activities a bit, i.e., don't just get together on saturday nights to drink Keystone and play video games in your dorm room. If you can exhibit ANY level of sophistication, you'll be way ahead of 90% of the guys at your school.

Have you ever considered getting a couple of friends to join a coed intramural sports team with you? Are you religious at all? I went to a church on campus and it was basically a huge dating pool. Basically, see and be seen. Don't isolate yourself. Take advantage of college b/c you'll never see that many single women in one place ever again

 

[HybridCrow]

I did just find out this one girl who I had a crush on last year but havent really talked to since was apparently flirting with me... or so say my girl friends

she was so great... I know where she works for her part-time job, and I know she remembers me because Ive been in there a few times and shes smiled like crazy at me

but I think it would be creepy if I just randomly went in there and asked her out after not having a conversation with her in about a year right?
lol

Dude, if you seriously have an interest in this girl, I would definitely be talking to her. However, be warned, she might have a b/f and you don't know about it. I also agree that you should get your life in order first as well, so it doesn't cause any problems you may get into in relationships. Of course, you should just have casual conversations with her. So what if she knows you and you know where she works, just don't make it a habit to stop in all the time like you were stalking her. Go in and have a casual conversation, see if you can find out if she'd like to hang out or grab a bite to eat sometime when either of you are not busy. If she says no, then you haven't really lost anything. That's something that took me awhile to figure out, and that is when a girl says no, you haven't really lost anything. It's more like HER loss, really.

Anyhow, good luck and hope all works out for you.

 

[jedi007gotham]

actually, ive been to a counsler on campus, who referred me to a psychiatrist off campus but my dad recently cut our health insurance, so i havent been able to go to either any more because i cant afford it by myself, and I have 4 younger siblings so the money is tight and my mom cant really afford it either... so ive tried, I just havent been successful with it i guess



hmmmm
yeah my guy friends dont really hang out with me to go meet some girls ever... my roommate is kinda weird and doesnt even want to date until after hes completely financially independent of his parents... um yeah...

as far as drinking, i dont really drink.. i think the law making me wait until im 21 is dumb, but im following it anyways. What do you mean sophistication exactly?

I mean sometimes i feel old... i am very involved politically on campus, play jazz saxophone and listen to tons of jazz music. When I do drink too (with my parents, I prefer a fine wine to something like beer) but i guess maybe thats not exactly what you mean? or is it? Ill admit, im kind of confused

As far as sports, Im not really much of an atheltic person... I am in the school's marching band, but thats something else.

really? church? hmmmm ive been wanting to go to church out here, but Ive been afraid in some weird way id be an outsider and not accepted or w/e.... Im definately going to go though. I want a kind of mature girl... you know not old obviously lol but like a girl whod rather hold hands with me in church and go to a jazz concert with me etc. than going down to a party, getting drunk and flashing people lol

so i guess maybe church would be the best place to meet someone like that too

thanks

 

[jedi007gotham]

Dude, if you seriously have an interest in this girl, I would definitely be talking to her. However, be warned, she might have a b/f and you don't know about it. I also agree that you should get your life in order first as well, so it doesn't cause any problems you may get into in relationships. Of course, you should just have casual conversations with her. So what if she knows you and you know where she works, just don't make it a habit to stop in all the time like you were stalking her. Go in and have a casual conversation, see if you can find out if she'd like to hang out or grab a bite to eat sometime when either of you are not busy. If she says no, then you haven't really lost anything. That's something that took me awhile to figure out, and that is when a girl says no, you haven't really lost anything. It's more like HER loss, really.

Anyhow, good luck and hope all works out for you.

hmmm yeah... she works at staples though... so it would be kinda a hard place to hang out a lot lol but you bring up a good point

Ill try... She is very much what I look for in girls

as far as fixing my own problems though, this might sound like a dumb question but it seems like my parents divorce is going on forever... my dad keeps cancelling the court dates at the last second. Seems almost like it could go on for years
If i fix my problems with it, is it possible ill be too old to fall in love?

I mean i suppose anyone can fall in love regardless of age and all of course, but I want to have a family and Im afraid if I work this stuff out i wont be able to start dating for a long time, like when im 30 then not be able to find someone to marry till im about 40 and then it would be hard to have kids since were both older, both conception would be harder and just taking care of them (whether we are able to concieve or adopt or w/e) would be harder when were older

Or am i just freaking out about nothing?

 

[dollface007]

Okay, so you seem like you have some pretty broad and unique interests. Maybe accessibility is your issue and not sophistication. What i mean is, jazz and fine wines are pretty esoteric persuits...to college girls in particular. Jazz is usually seen as a "guy" thing. I'm not saying that's right, i'm just telling you how it is. I put jazz in the same catergory as solo guitarists (e.g., Eric Johnson), Dream Theatre, and Rush. The only women you will see at their shows have been dragged their by their boyfriends....and yes, i've been one of those girlfriends! If you haven't seen the movie "Ghost World," go out and rent it. It deals with that issue...and it's an awesome movie I'm not saying you have to start listening to Britney Spears - God forbid - but it might be something to think about.

Yeah, my church actually had a retreat type thing every semester when i got to meet a lot of people and they also did a weekly lunch thing. Also, try the evening services (if they have them) b/c that's when most of the university crowd will show up as opposed to the 8am Sunday service. I think it's worth a try, especially if you're looking for a woman with similar values.


One last thing. Go back to the university counselor and demand that they do their job. You don't need to see a psychiatrist unless they think you need meds, and if you can't afford meds, you need to be doing talk therapy anyway. Your proactive attitude really shows that you are a very mature person, but i think you need to push just a little harder.

 

[HybridCrow]

Ok, here's what I can give you:

When I was 10 years old, my parents divorced. But since dad was a truck driver, he was only home on the weekends, so mom let him stay in the house until 3 or 4 years later when something happened and he moved out. I can't remember for sure if we never saw him for a couple years or what, but he had his old apartment back and we stayed over on the weekends, eating pizza, and watching movies as well as work on computers.

Now I'm 21 years old. My dad did NOT live to see me turn 21. He actually died a week before Memorial Day of the year I turned 21. So, if you think you have it bad through divorce, it's nothing compared to losing my dad at a young age. I was lucky he took the time off from driving a truck to watch me graduate, but he'll never be around when I get married or have kids. Maybe in spirit and my heart, he will be, but he won't be there. That's what really hurts me. My brother and I are the last of the blood line (father's side), and if I do have kids, they won't get to know their grandpa, my dad. At least not in person, they won't.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I understand it is hard through divorce. It was hard for me too, but his death was harder for me.

When we tell you that you should get your life in order, we mean that you should do whatever it takes to make you happy in the end. All that stuff about not being able to fall in love, get married, have kids, etc. has nothing to do with your parents getting a divorce. I would think the reason he's delaying it is so that he doesn't have to pay any child support if you have siblings under 18, or anything else that would be costly from a divorce.

I can understand the whole "Mom calls me all the time to tell me what an asshole dad is." because my mom would similarly do that. Only she'd be drunk and sitting across the room.

Also, I'd think there were psychologists who actually do free work for adults who have no money. However, if they prescribe you with medication, then it would cost you something. You're going to have to just find out through your campus or through the psychologist you previously went to.

When my dad died and I started college and was having no luck getting a job, I went to a psychologist who helped me out. I was f-ing down in the dumps. I realized I just needed somebody to talk to, because I was feeling a whole lot better after just dumping everything off my shoulders.

However, like I said, you should talk to this girl and see what happens. Who knows, maybe if you get lucky and you both start going out or something, you'll start feeling better because you have somebody else to talk. Just try not to be self-conscious (i.e. about you, your problems, etc. all the time). Try to get to know her more, etc.

Sorry this was long, but hopefully it did more good than I hoped.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I think your problem could also be you are TOO FOCUSED on a relationship. Like I said before, I don't even know how you think your ready for a rleationship, when you get your own personal problems to deal with. Do what was said and see someone about it. Invest in call display so when your mother calls, you DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. You start cutting out the things that make you upset, you start to feel better.

I don't believe in this fairy tale stuff people say sometimes, telling you everything will be alright. I'm in college as well, and the MAJORITY of college girls really don't care to much about relationships. The other part do. But really it all comes down to one question.

Would you rather be self happy and single or in a relationship and depressed?

Because the relationship will not last if your depressed still. College girls especially will not want to listen to your problems. Sorry to say, but that is the truth.

Ravin

 

[jedi007gotham]

Oh wow
Im so sorry to hear about your dad and all... it must be really hard.. I cant even imagine

as far as my dad, yeah my two brothers and two sisters are all under 18, so thats probably what it is



hmmm maybe i should check out the free psychiatrists.... I forgot I had an appointment today with the person on campus (I try to scrape up enough money to pay in cash) and nothing at all happened, them trying to contact me back or w/e so idk know about that anymore either


but yeah, of course id listen to her too... I mean if I ever have a gf, id want to be part of her world, just as she would be part of mine... both good and bad

u know?

but yeah, thanks again

I really am kinda surprised how helpful all of you have been so far

 

[dollface007]

Ravin, I'm sorry to pick on you once again, but you HAVE to stop giving dating advice. You, yourself, admit you have never dated anyone. College girls won't listen to your problems??? That's pure bullshit.

 

[jedi007gotham]

Would you rather be self happy and single or in a relationship and depressed?

Because the relationship will not last if your depressed still. College girls especially will not want to listen to your problems. Sorry to say, but that is the truth.

Ravin

Yeah i know, I just... I could care less about my family stuff
my friends seem to think I do stuff to subconciously react to it, but other than occasionally when I talk to my mom or w/e

I dont really want to complain to someone about my family crap so much as just be with someone so i wont feel so lonely anymore

As far as my mom, I cant cut her off... I just couldnt