Damaged People

[Wrong Element]

I suppose you're going to call me racist now?

The main character in your first person story appears to be a bigot, yes. I suppose it's possible to write a good erotic story with a racist as a key character, and it's definitely possible to depict a racist in fiction without being a racist oneself. But let's just say you haven't yet demonstrated those skills.

story #1: 8 comments, 4 anonymous, 4 by name.

1 anonymous did not read it all, despite it being less than a page. the other 3 left negatives. all four named comments less than flattering. Only your own comment was positive, telling them to "keep reading".

My comment: It was barely a chapter of a story, basically telling me that you married Mary Sue from university and want her to have sex with someone else at the same time she pleasures you. OK.

Story #2: 8 Comments, 6 Anonymous, 2 by name.

None of the comments were positive, essentially they told you to stop and rethink the story line.

My comment: They are correct, at this point you have two chapters which do not equate a single chapter of a real story. You still are describing Mary Sue, but toss in a bunch of dates to either make her seem unobtainable or to make her worldly - your prose makes the choice irrelevant. The story is not entertaining me at this point and I would not continue reading were chapter 3 to be submitted.

Your writing is not that bad (not great either), but your story is that bad. It does not matter if comments are anonymous or by name, you should listen to them. It has nothing to do with the quality of authorship of the commentator, it has to do with the quality of your story, and I just spent 8 minutes more than they were worth in doing this review.

I also noticed that the anonymous comments were not merely trolling, and in fact made a lot of the same points the named commenters cited. You might want to consider taking them to heart. There are tens of thousands of stories here; you're competing for eyeballs and they are telling you the specific reasons why you don't measure up.

 

[RocketLauncher]

I must be slacking on my petty meanness, because doing that didn't even cross my mind.

It's an old trick I picked up in the AH.

 

[Debbie]

https://i.imgur.com/8Ey3Dud.jpg

Do we all float down here because we are damaged airheads?

Pondering on IT.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

nope

They may not, but I will. Yes, you’re a racist.

I think it's pretty clear that my young protagonist, in a state of frenzy and frustration, refers to a Vietnamese person as a gook because he believes his dream girl is being defiled by him. Not only does that not make me a racist, but it might turn out that the young protagonist isn't either. Keep reading to find out. There is also an element of humor in that passage as the young protagonist reveals that he's behaving like a sad sack.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

I go way back

K, this is hilarious. Our resident Scientologist has just brought a whirlwind of negative comments and 1 votes to his stories.

Dear Elrodhubbard,
It's probly not a good idea to insult potential readers with the same username that you published said story under. If you want to sling mud try using an alt. Oh, and if you want sympathy take it to the AH. Those pretentious fucks will have quite a bit to say on the subject I'm sure.

Well rocketman,

I am posting under another handle. I have posted under another going all the way back to 2000. So you could call me a "guru." The site now has all this pro-Trump shit. Very boring. I took a break for a while. Check in every 5 years or so.

 

[suurfer]

The main character in your first person story appears to be a bigot, yes. I suppose it's possible to write a good erotic story with a racist as a key character, and it's definitely possible to depict a racist in fiction without being a racist oneself.

Good point.
And in all fairness, I haven't read his story - I will do it tonight.

But I'm put off by deliberate insertion of vulgarity in art, like the OP and CF did.
I don't think it's edgy at all, just lazy writing.
There are better ways to convey that.

Keep vulgarity for the GB banter. When I read anything I'm looking for either an escape, or to be transported on a higher plane.

 

[Comshaw]

Well rocketman,

I am posting under another handle. I have posted under another going all the way back to 2000. So you could call me a "guru." The site now has all this pro-Trump shit. Very boring. I took a break for a while. Check in every 5 years or so.

So we'll see you again in 2024 for more of the prevarication of "I can to take criticism!" ?



Comshaw

 

[elrodhubbard1]

Good point.
And in all fairness, I haven't read his story - I will do it tonight.

But I'm put off by deliberate insertion of vulgarity in art, like the OP and CF did.
I don't think it's edgy at all, just lazy writing.
There are better ways to convey that.

Keep vulgarity for the GB banter. When I read anything I'm looking for either an escape, or to be transported on a higher plane.

Is using the word "fuck" considered vulgarity? If so, then my story is vulgar.

 

[suurfer]

Is using the word "fuck" considered vulgarity? If so, then my story is vulgar.

It's just a blunt personal opinion.
I would never post these things on your story, like those who want to drop your ratings do. I'd send you an email.

But I would immediately drop any story with cuss words.
Not because I'm a prude (I'm vulgar myself on the GB) but I perceive it as lack of skills.
If the writer wasn't able to convey that in a way that makes me feel good, it's likely that he comes short in other areas.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

It's just a blunt personal opinion.
I would never post these things on your story, like those who want to drop your ratings do. I'd send you an email.

But I would immediately drop any story with cuss words.
Not because I'm a prude (I'm vulgar myself on the GB) but I perceive it as lack of skills.
If the writer wasn't able to convey that in a way that makes me feel good, it's likely that he comes short in other areas.

Interesting surfer. The thing is, I find it really exciting when a woman says "fuck me." I can't think of anything else she could say that would be more of a turn on.

 

[Debbie]

Well rocketman,

I am posting under another handle. I have posted under another going all the way back to 2000. So you could call me a "guru." The site now has all this pro-Trump shit. Very boring. I took a break for a while. Check in every 5 years or so.

What was your original name?

 

[suurfer]

Interesting surfer. The thing is, I find it really exciting when a woman says "fuck me." I can't think of anything else she could say that would be more of a turn on.

You're right, it could depend on the reader you're catering to.
I often prefer First time stories. Not because of the 'first time' thingy, but because of the type of writing. I found quite a few gems in there.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

not tellin'

What was your original name?

Oh if I told you that it would spoil everything. But I will tell you I have only posted under one other name on here. Maybe some old-timers will figure it out eventually.

Laurel knows. Not sure how she feels about me, but I think she's really smart.

 

[Debbie]

Oh if I told you that it would spoil everything. But I will tell you I have only posted under one other name on here. Maybe some old-timers will figure it out eventually.

Laurel knows. Not sure how she feels about me, but I think she's really smart.

So not anon then?

Yes kitty Mama is very smart, beautiful too.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

So not anon then?

Yes kitty Mama is very smart, beautiful too.

You mean you've seen her/met her? I'm not surprised she's beautiful. When I posted here for the first time to the GB about 20 years ago I was beautiful too. Now I'm 56.

Literotica has been here since about the beginning of the WWW and I found it somehow. It's been fun.

I had some heated debates with people like Lasher, Siren, and Dixon Carter Lee. I also had some nice intellectual discussions with Laurel. Dixon was very smart. Lasher was an ass. Bob Toad was smart. Killer Muffin was fun. Are they still here?

 

[bigsly]

Amicus lives?

 

[Debbie]

You mean you've seen her/met her? I'm not surprised she's beautiful. When I posted here for the first time to the GB about 20 years ago I was beautiful too. Now I'm 56.

Literotica has been here since about the beginning of the WWW and I found it somehow. It's been fun.

I had some heated debates with people like Lasher, Siren, and Dixon Carter Lee. I also had some nice intellectual discussions with Laurel. Dixon was very smart. Lasher was an ass. Bob Toad was smart. Killer Muffin was fun. Are they still here?

I've seen Laurels lovely face and more but not lucky enough to have crossed the globe and meet her in person.

I haven't seen killermuffin on for ages. Sadly. She is missed. A very smart, take no nonsense strong woman.

DCL pops in every now and then and Lasher.

There is an oldies check in thread.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=398803

 

[dolf]

I think it's pretty clear that my young protagonist, in a state of frenzy and frustration, refers to a Vietnamese person as a gook because he believes his dream girl is being defiled by him. Not only does that not make me a racist, but it might turn out that the young protagonist isn't either. Keep reading to find out. There is also an element of humor in that passage as the young protagonist reveals that he's behaving like a sad sack.

No. People who aren't racist don't grasp at racial slurs the instant things go wrong.
And the creepy thing were a grownarse woman, with free will and a right to have her autonomy respected, us "defiled" by consensual sex? Seriously creepy.
He's a racist and a misogynist.

 

[OldJourno]

Mister Hubbard,
My fiction, which some have compared to Lee Child and found few similarities, can be found in the thread titled "Lithouse forum."
The latest installment is the tragic tale of Rosey, a lusty hospital worker who has fallen for John, a young, incredibly handsome man afflicted with a flesh-eating disease.
I await your critique with a mouthful of night crawlers, creating the ever popular baited breath.
Sincerely,
Old Journo

 

[elrodhubbard1]

Hi OldJourno. I'd be happy to read it but I can't find it. Send me a link.

 

[OldJourno]

Hi OldJourno. I'd be happy to read it but I can't find it. Send me a link.

The thread is in the General Board. Right here. Lithouse Forum is the title.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

interesting

So it seems after the haters post their low ratings and comments, that story ratings go up over time as more people read by the thousands. This is a sad commentary for the many damaged people who frequent this site to throw their weight (and I do mean unattractive flab) around.

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

So it seems after the haters post their low ratings and comments, that story ratings go up over time as more people read by the thousands. This is a sad commentary for the many damaged people who frequent this site to throw their weight (and I do mean unattractive flab) around.

https://nakeddivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/i-want-you-to-stop-whining.jpg

 

[LupusDei]

So it seems after the haters post their low ratings and comments, that story ratings go up over time as more people read by the thousands. This is a sad commentary for the many damaged people who frequent this site to throw their weight (and I do mean unattractive flab) around.

In a way, it has to be expected. Unless you have ready base of followers who receive notification upon publication, your first days of readership will come from new stories list, where it will be encountered by people lazy scanning just about anything on offer, and often find it against their tastes. Later, your readers will come more from searching by tags or otherwise, or by following you as author, and those may be naturally more inclined to like what they find. Just musing.

 

[elrodhubbard1]

Yes that sounds right. But there also seems to be a lot of trolls looking to take people down.