Damage repair

[Kajira Callista]

Well back to school after.......well after a lot of years and I have one tremendous problem.
Sadly I no longer have any faith in my capabilities. I am learning stuff I learned in HS right now and am so afraid that I don't know things that I do know that it is becoming a problem for me.
I know this is all a part of the damage repair I am attempting to do solo.
I know this is what he wanted to happen to me and why he did what he did.
I know someplace inside is the strength to overcome this and not allow his abuse to be the winner.
But where inside...how do I find it?

Has anyone been through something similar? Where is that first step in the right direction?

 

[snowy ciara]

I haven't been through this myself, but my heart is with you. If you need to vent or holler, let me know. I think you can do this!

 

[Essene]

I'll be in a similar situation in the fall. I think the first step has already been made: you're going back, and then you just take it from there one step at a time. I know it's humbling especially if you were the kind of person that was extremely successful in academics, but you're already on your way there. I just take it one step, one class, one credit at a time. You'll get there. I think you know this. *hugs*

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I know that I haven't been through what you're going through exactly, but I have built an abuse free life. I succeeded when statistically I shouldn't have. I am not a victim of my circumstances, so maybe I can help. Or maybe I'm deluding myself cause I so desperately want to help in some way.

The first thing I did, as a teenager, to start breaking the cycle was to break my 'tasks' into small bits. For instance - going back to school? Bit task, scary task. Instead every morning think about what you can do that day. Just say 'today I can go to school and learn. today I can pick my kids up from school. today i can make dinner and do my homework.' Let tomorrow worry about itself. And some days do it just to prove to him (even if he doesn't see it) that you can. Sometimes the only thing that kept me from doing thing counterproductive to my goals was pure bulldog stubbornness. I am not what my mother said I would be. 'I am not stupid, I am not a slut, I will not become a junkie, I will graduate from school. And why? JUST TO PROVE TO HER SHE'S WRONG.'

 

[bandelero]

I know I did not have the pressures that you have, but I did have the experience of going back to school (the Open University) after a gap of 28 years from education in order to do my BSc in Physics.

The only advice I can offer that helped me at the time was to try and always be JUST A LITTLE bit ahead of what the required study was. For instance, just reading the next chapter in the text book we were using etc. made it so that when we came to study that bit in real time, at least it was more familiar than having no knowledge of it at all.

I also made full use of the Internet to bone up on subjects I was struggling with, and I asked my friends for help.
The help was not necessarily in the academic work, more often it was just with lifts to and from the college, or helping me out by walking the dog....I did not struggle on alone.

I would like to wish you the best of luck and I will keep all my crossy bits Xed for you.

 

[WriterDom]

I think the main thing is to go to class everyday and do the work. Then once you start having success, it kind of breeds and gets easier. And you get more comforable just being there.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Wow. everyone here always has the bestest advice.
I'm glad I posted this thread and I am glad I have a place like this with people willing to lend a hand.
*continues to read*

 

[Homburg]

You got there in the first place, right? You stepped up and made the effort to go to school. You walked through that door. You sat down and started learning again.

You did all of these things.

I think you've got all the strength you need, KC. And if you sometimes feel like you don't, well, there's a whole lotta people here that do.

You've got my PM, darlin. I'll send you e-mail and chat details too, if you want.

*hugs*

 

[Kajira Callista]

I dunno. maybe I was wrong for posting this thread. I think I am just afraid and not used to feeling afraid of anything *shrug*
I'm sorry.

 

[Essene]

I dunno. maybe I was wrong for posting this thread. I think I am just afraid and not used to feeling afraid of anything *shrug*
I'm sorry.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with asking for advice, help or support. This is my first time interacting with you on the boards or otherwise, but I wholeheartedly support you, and I think you were fine to post this.

 

[midwestyankee]

I dunno. maybe I was wrong for posting this thread. I think I am just afraid and not used to feeling afraid of anything *shrug*
I'm sorry.

Nope. Not even close. You voiced a concern to a community that you hoped (well, I'm sure that you really knew) would reach out to you with support.

And it worked. Here you have support that may be hard to find elsewhere.

Now, as for those feelings of "I'm not sure I can do this" all I can say is a simple, yes you can. Every time you finish a reading assignment and see that you understand the material, remind yourself that that's the case. Every time your teacher raises a question in class that you can answer (whether you're the one to answer or not), be sure to remind yourself that you knew that answer.

Now for some off-the-wall advice: look around your classes and see if you can spot someone younger than you (I know, that's the easy part) who seems to be troubled by low confidence in his or her academic abilities. Make friends with this person and become a mentor. Help him or her with studying if you can find a way to do so. You will find ways to translate your life success into classroom success as, I'm sure of it.

 

[DeservingBitch]

The only experience I can speak of is of someone who's in academia, teaching, and trying to deal with a depression.

From my perspective as a prof, here are some ideas that may help: talk to your profs -- let them know of as much as you want to say about your situation. It's always easier for a prof to be understanding or to provide the assistance or accomodation needed if we know about the situation at hands. I don't know what kind of degree you're doing, and some places will be more accomodating then others, but don't be afraid to demand for accomodations to help you juggle schoolwork and childcare. And as bandelero said, trying to get just a little bit ahead often helps. Even if you don't understand a lot of the chapter you read for instance, it's going to help to have read it before the material is covered in class.

My main advice though: education and knowledge is ALWAYS a work in progress. And it's like anything else, it gets easier the more you do it.

Hang in there and have faith in yourself. You've already taken the biggest step.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You can do it, KC - I've said so from the beginning, and will say so until you tell us you were the class valedictorian. MWY's idea about mentoring or helping a young un-confident student was a great one, by the way - it's amazing how much better you understand even difficult stuff once you help someone *else* get through it. I'm not quite sure how that works, but I've seen it in action a *bunch* of times.

KC for Valedictorian of the Vampire class of '08! w00t!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I dunno. maybe I was wrong for posting this thread. I think I am just afraid and not used to feeling afraid of anything *shrug*
I'm sorry.

Courage is not the absence of fear.

Courage is continuing to do what needs to be done inspite of the fear.

It's okay to feel afraid, hon. Hell, there are days when I'm terrified.

You tackle this one day at a time, one test at a time, one page of homework at a time. You flip your middle finger at the ex- (in person or not) and tell him "I'm not gonna quit you bastard, FUCK YOU!"

And you tell yourself "Evil_Geoff believes in me, _HE_ thinks I'm someone who's worth a damn, _HE's_ got my back!"

You tell yourself "I am NOT stupid. I am NOT weak. I will NOT surrender to the fear, I will NOT give in to doubt."

There's a saying I am fond of... "if you feel like a fraud, fake it 'til you make it, baby!" No one else knows how you feel, if you act the part long enough you'll BE the part eventually." This is how your confidence and self esteem were worn down, and it's how you will build them back up.

You do whatever you need to do to make it babe.


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[midwestyankee]

KC, EG isn't the only one around here who's certain that you can do it. Add me to the list.

 

[Bandit58]

Sir's daughter turned 30 last year. She has a partner and two young children, one has ADHD the other was a preemie and he always seems to be sick.

She was raised by her mother, who is a junkie of over 20 years. She has always been told she'd never amount to anything. She has an eating disorder and is seeing a psychologist for self esteem issues.

She has also just finished her first year of nursing study at university. She got two distinctions and numerous credits. She's going back this year despite it being an enormous struggle. We are both hugely proud of her.

KC you can do this. One day at a time

 

[Netzach]

Education isn't a hurdle for me but a lot of the day to day things that most people handle as independent adults as a matter of "duh" elude me because of idiotic parenting and my own habits- I really do rely on this on bad days - fake it till you make it.

Look in the mirror, decide to be on top. Decide that there is no other option or possible outcome than you kicking the ass of whatever fear, ambiguity, or stagnation that it is you need to vanquish. Saying things to myself like "I am an adult" or "I can do this" even when they sound like total lies until they don't - it helps.

 

[FurryFury]

My crisis moment wasn't over going back to school but I think I can relate.

After owning several businesses, being large and in charge for a number of years, I lost my business partner. He died. I got very depressed. I was working hard at making it through the loss and back to functioning again.

Around this time my ex decided it was finally time to have those kids. So he convinced me to get pregnant. I'd wanted them about a decade before.

He apparently did this so he could walk out and force me to work at the same time. LOL! Riiight.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to work but each check feels wrong without my partner to give half of the profits to. I'm still depressed. Now I'm also pregnant and alone. I closed the business for good. I did this hoping that if there is an afterlife my partner would understand.

I became a stay at home mother. I felt that was the best way to raise the baby. I feel when you do something you should do it the best way you can. That was my best way. As it so happened, I was not forced to work due to financial considerations and no I also did not go on welfare or have to borrow.

Okay, fast forward about seven years and another baby later. I remember I'd been asked to co chair a local group that I had joined for my now, seven year old. I agreed because she loved the group.

That meant I needed a certain amount of training to make sure the group could do all the things they might want to do. So one day I'm trying to find my way to somewhere I'd never before been. That used to be old hat to me in business. I find myself so stressing out that I got gastrointestinal symptoms and had to stop to take care of that. I was also having a bit of a panic attack. I was scratching at my face some. I have this baaad habit of scratching at any uneven skin.

Anyway, I remember sitting in my car at McDonalds thinking, what the hell has happened to me? I was never like this before. I'm better than this! I won't be this way. I won't let those kids down because I'm freaking out. I just won't. If I'm a little late so what? It will be fine. I will make it fine.

I never looked back after that. It all came back to me pretty quickly. All those years of certain parts of me being put on a shelf, getting all dusty, were tough in some ways. I'm glad I've been able to work things out so I could be a stay at home mom when I felt it was important. Still, I tell people now to make sure they stay "in" the thick of things occasionally. I do this partly because I was shocked at how momentarily changed I was.

The other comment is that as a home schooling mom, I've found that what you've learned and forgotten, will come back to you pretty quickly. You just have to plow through that until things start clicking again. It's not really gone, though it might seem like it. It's just waiting to be reactivated and polished.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Courage is not the absence of fear.

Courage is continuing to do what needs to be done inspite of the fear.

It's okay to feel afraid, hon. Hell, there are days when I'm terrified.

You tackle this one day at a time, one test at a time, one page of homework at a time. You flip your middle finger at the ex- (in person or not) and tell him "I'm not gonna quit you bastard, FUCK YOU!"

And you tell yourself "Evil_Geoff believes in me, _HE_ thinks I'm someone who's worth a damn, _HE's_ got my back!"

You tell yourself "I am NOT stupid. I am NOT weak. I will NOT surrender to the fear, I will NOT give in to doubt."

There's a saying I am fond of... "if you feel like a fraud, fake it 'til you make it, baby!" No one else knows how you feel, if you act the part long enough you'll BE the part eventually." This is how your confidence and self esteem were worn down, and it's how you will build them back up.

You do whatever you need to do to make it babe.


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This is a fantastic post and typical of EG.

The last point is the most salient here. Your ex eroded your self esteem gradually and systematically, you know first hand just how effective that is. Every step you make towards your qualification is a brick placed back onto the wall of your self esteem and cemented in place. Nobody can take achievement like that from you. Every good grade, every fact assimilated and question answered is a vindication of your decision to say FUCK YOU and seek something better, because you deserve it.

KC, I have seen you around on the boards for a long time, even if our paths haven't really crossed. I am fond of your Lit persona and your posts and sincerely wish you every success.

 

[rida]

Well back to school after.......well after a lot of years and I have one tremendous problem.
Sadly I no longer have any faith in my capabilities. I am learning stuff I learned in HS right now and am so afraid that I don't know things that I do know that it is becoming a problem for me.
I know this is all a part of the damage repair I am attempting to do solo.
I know this is what he wanted to happen to me and why he did what he did.
I know someplace inside is the strength to overcome this and not allow his abuse to be the winner.
But where inside...how do I find it?

Has anyone been through something similar? Where is that first step in the right direction?

You found the strength already ... you are going back to school!
The first step is the hardest ... and you did it!
Now ... is just one step at a time, one after the other.
Some days is going to be hard and you might not be able to take any step. That is ok: don't beat yourself down and regroup.
Every warrior need to rest and regroup sometime.
And than get up and take the next step.

You.Can.Do.It.

 

[chauderlos]

I like this part of EG's post:

Courage is not the absence of fear.

Courage is continuing to do what needs to be done inspite of the fear.

Can I add a small practical advice here? When I started studiying again ( I finished an engeneer's degree at nearly 40, after a 20+ yrs gap), I woke up one hour ealier everymorning, just to work. The house was silent, everybody was asleep, nothing to disturb me from work. No matter who late I had worked the previous night, I stuck to this policy: one hour work every moring. This discipline helped a lot.

Good luck - and tell us about your success soon

 

[Kajira Callista]

Just dug this up to say thank you to people who stood by me when I took that first gimungous step in the right direction. I haven't looked back yet and my life is falling more into place as each day passes. I feel strong, confident, and capable.
I'm so glad I have met so many big hearted, caring people with level headed advice given freely on lit.
Here is a place that will always feel like "home" to me.
Thank you for that.

 

[intothewoods]

Hmm, I never posted in this thread. I must be a whore bitch. Well, anyway, kudos to you for doing so well and getting on with life! Good job!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Just dug this up to say thank you to people who stood by me when I took that first gimungous step in the right direction. I haven't looked back yet and my life is falling more into place as each day passes. I feel strong, confident, and capable.
I'm so glad I have met so many big hearted, caring people with level headed advice given freely on lit.
Here is a place that will always feel like "home" to me.
Thank you for that.

We knew you could do it, and you proved us right and proved yourself (to yourself) to be stronger than you thought you could be.

We're proud of you.

 

[Netzach]

Well back to school after.......well after a lot of years and I have one tremendous problem.
Sadly I no longer have any faith in my capabilities. I am learning stuff I learned in HS right now and am so afraid that I don't know things that I do know that it is becoming a problem for me.
I know this is all a part of the damage repair I am attempting to do solo.
I know this is what he wanted to happen to me and why he did what he did.
I know someplace inside is the strength to overcome this and not allow his abuse to be the winner.
But where inside...how do I find it?

Has anyone been through something similar? Where is that first step in the right direction?

I watched my mother do this all her life long, and I've had to figure a lot of stuff out again after getting sick and it's still a work in progress - I am not at the levels of confidence in some things that I was when I was 30, but more so in others.

I think it might be helpful sometimes to look at it more like a chronic condition than a mountain to climb and ta da, you're back in the saddle - it's going to be a good days and bad days thing. Your mountain o' stuff to climb is a lot more slippery than those of other people who seem to do it with more ease.

Be nice to yourself in the process. Focus on the things you *are* good at and getting better at. Apply some analogies to the other things (If I can figure out how to sell these five things I just sold, I can surely figure out how to deal with H again from a place of solid strength...)

Edited:
LOL, old old news, so glad to see you're doing well. The advice still stands, though. Rock your good days, and I hope they're the majority, accept your bad days as just that.