Daddy Doms, housework, and resentments

[dantefontana]

Hi, everybody! I'm Dante, new to this particular corner of literotica.

My lovely gal of 27 years (with me, not on this earth) and I are just taking our first baby steps into BDSM, mainly using mild restraint during lovemaking and working our way through a couple of bondage erotica collections and Jay Wiseman's EROTIC BONDAGE HANDBOOK.

It has been less than a month since my gal has overcome some real emotional hurdles and fear of rejection to finally ask if I were willing to explore her submissive side with her. This was a wonderful revelation to me since I have realized (through self-discovery and some heartfelt discussion some time ago with an online buddy) that one of my strongest sexual personas is a Daddy Dom. I love offering her protection, physical and emotional support, and I love gently but firmly taking control of her in the bedroom. At times, this feels like a very important piece in our intimate life that has been missing for a long long time.

A source of significant conflict in our many years together has been the division of housework: she seems incapable of getting physically organized, picking up after herself, or cleaning the house (except for deep cleaning of fixtures at which she excels - hello, Sigmund Freud). I enjoy a well-kept house, and so most of the cleaning and organizing falls to me. Also, I cook most of the family meals, which I absolutely love to do. Cooking for friends, family, and other people I love is one of my favorite things to do, and next to sex and Asian movie websites, foodie corners of the net fill my bulgingest bookmarks folder.

Here's my question: What if I tried to turn my upper hand in some aspects of housework into a dimension of my role as Daddy Dom? Cooking for her, taking her hand and helping her clean off her desk or pick up and organize crafts projects, and taking care of our bedroom and in-progress love room and play area would be part of the loving care provided by the Daddy, and her submission to Him in the bedroom would be another dimension of His gentle but firm and authoritative care for her.

My concern is that this might conflict with an important aspect of what I understand to be sane and healthy BDSM namely, that games of dominance and submission are inappropriate times to express anger or resentment or exact payback for struggles in other areas of the relationship. In other words, I want to be a sexy Daddy Dom, not a sexist Daddy Dick.

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

New Year's blessings to you all!

 

[myinnerslut]

Hi, everybody! I'm Dante, new to this particular corner of literotica.

My lovely gal of 27 years (with me, not on this earth) and I are just taking our first baby steps into BDSM, mainly using mild restraint during lovemaking and working our way through a couple of bondage erotica collections and Jay Wiseman's EROTIC BONDAGE HANDBOOK.

It has been less than a month since my gal has overcome some real emotional hurdles and fear of rejection to finally ask if I were willing to explore her submissive side with her. This was a wonderful revelation to me since I have realized (through self-discovery and some heartfelt discussion some time ago with an online buddy) that one of my strongest sexual personas is a Daddy Dom. I love offering her protection, physical and emotional support, and I love gently but firmly taking control of her in the bedroom. At times, this feels like a very important piece in our intimate life that has been missing for a long long time.

A source of significant conflict in our many years together has been the division of housework: she seems incapable of getting physically organized, picking up after herself, or cleaning the house (except for deep cleaning of fixtures at which she excels - hello, Sigmund Freud). I enjoy a well-kept house, and so most of the cleaning and organizing falls to me. Also, I cook most of the family meals, which I absolutely love to do. Cooking for friends, family, and other people I love is one of my favorite things to do, and next to sex and Asian movie websites, foodie corners of the net fill my bulgingest bookmarks folder.

Here's my question: What if I tried to turn my upper hand in some aspects of housework into a dimension of my role as Daddy Dom? Cooking for her, taking her hand and helping her clean off her desk or pick up and organize crafts projects, and taking care of our bedroom and in-progress love room and play area would be part of the loving care provided by the Daddy, and her submission to Him in the bedroom would be another dimension of His gentle but firm and authoritative care for her.

My concern is that this might conflict with an important aspect of what I understand to be sane and healthy BDSM namely, that games of dominance and submission are inappropriate times to express anger or resentment or exact payback for struggles in other areas of the relationship. In other words, I want to be a sexy Daddy Dom, not a sexist Daddy Dick.

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

New Year's blessings to you all!

the biggest question, in my mind, is how much do you want to bring BDSM into your lives? are you looking for a 24/7 relationship? if so then you can try having her do the cleaning. if you are only looking for bedroom play then i dont think tellig her to clean the house as part of her submission is going to fly.

 

[madetotakeit]

the biggest question, in my mind, is how much do you want to bring BDSM into your lives? are you looking for a 24/7 relationship?

I agree, that is a big question. There are people who are happily involved in 24/7's. Setting the parameters of your relationship is important.

If that works for you, then by all means include it. If 24/7 is not, then maybe use a reward system. If she takes care of XYZ then you will reward her with something that she really loves or craves. And then there is always option C...tell her the disorganization is something that bothers you and both of you need to work on finding a solution to it.

In the end, whatever works for the two of you is the right way to go.

 

[dantefontana]

Wow, thanks for responding so quickly, myinnerslut.

Actually, I have no intention of telling her to clean the house. We're dealing with my trying to let go of a decades-long struggle and integrate my cleaning of the house into *my* nurturing and care for her, which we would then carry into the bedroom as i gently control her there as well.

Does this make any sense, or am I blundering in the dark?

 

[snowy ciara]

Dante, are you two 24/7 or working on getting into a 24/7 situation? Because that may be where your answer lies. If you are going to be eventually, then yes, gently leading her to take more responsibility for household chores is probably cool. But if it you're not, then incorporating housework into the mix probably isn't cool and it's something to offer a reward for, not demand as part of her bedroom submission. If you do decide to incorporate this into your lifestyle, be sure to keep it reasonable. I hate to admit it, but some of us are just "clutterbugs" as my Domme calls me sometimes. I've managed to get and keep my clutter under control, due to an extenuating circumstance. But as I was saying, be sure to be reasonable. She sounds a lot like me, in the clutter department and I'll be honest, I do it. I do it well. I help keep my Domme's house tidy as well as mine. But I do not enjoy it. I once had a tiff with a potential Dom because he expected me to do his dishes "with joy in your heart and lust in your pussy" just because they were his. I told him that Dawn dish soap and grotty coffee cups don't make my pussy wet, and I would do the dishes gladly for him, but this ecstasy thing wasn't gonna happen! He was most offended. You sound a bit more reasonable.

The big thing is this, it sounds like the two of you are still in the negotiating stage. Whatever advice we have to offer you, remember that this decision ultimately deals with the two of you. Talk it over with her, and if she's amenable, go for it, but start slow.

 

[Netzach]

In housework, we are BOTH immature little twits who could stand to invite you over.

I just bought a child's chore chart with magnets at Target. Ordinarily I'm against cheap imported toys, we use it in a "ha ha" way, but I would think that chores with gold stars could be *real* erotic candy for someone who is into ageplay.

I don't tend to get really into stuff outside the bedroom with my husband, but it can leak out a bit and you *can* manipulate the everyday into something more interesting and erotically charged. We have periods of being really overt and less overt in expression - kind of like a waveform pattern rather than a linear 24/7 "always on."

I don't think the door to the bedroom has to be an impenetrable line in the sand, but more of an idea of when ramping up the dynamic is more productive and less productive in general - making a bold move outside a sexual context can backfire but sometimes it can be a really memorable hot and incredible stimulus that she goes back to.

 

[FurryFury]

My first reaction to your post was "Honey is that YOU?"

LOL!

Then I remembered my husband doesn't much care about housework. Thank goodness.

If you are saying that you doing the housework and gently trying to mentor her could be part of your role that might work. It depends on the both of you and how it is applied.

Turning someone into a neatnik is probably not going to work though she might play at it and try in order to please.

 

[rosco rathbone]

A source of significant conflict in our many years together has been the division of housework: she seems incapable of getting physically organized, picking up after herself, or cleaning the house (except for deep cleaning of fixtures at which she excels - hello, Sigmund Freud). I enjoy a well-kept house, and so most of the cleaning and organizing falls to me. Also, I cook most of the family meals, which I absolutely love to do. :

This sounds like me, except that I have no compunctions about being the male chauvinist pig that I am. I'm super controlling of my personal space and have to have everything "just so", which means that to teach a person who has no natural flair for cleaning and organizing to do so actually involves a huge amount of patience and forbearance on my part, ie "no no no no that's not how it goes!". Still, the idea of women's work is important to me, so I put up with the subtle efforts to resist housework in disguise of "incompetence" and "blundering" designed to make me say 'fuck it, I'll do it."

 

[snowy ciara]

In housework, we are BOTH immature little twits who could stand to invite you over.

I just bought a child's chore chart with magnets at Target. Ordinarily I'm against cheap imported toys, we use it in a "ha ha" way, but I would think that chores with gold stars could be *real* erotic candy for someone who is into ageplay.

I don't tend to get really into stuff outside the bedroom with my husband, but it can leak out a bit and you *can* manipulate the everyday into something more interesting and erotically charged. We have periods of being really overt and less overt in expression - kind of like a waveform pattern rather than a linear 24/7 "always on."

I don't think the door to the bedroom has to be an impenetrable line in the sand, but more of an idea of when ramping up the dynamic is more productive and less productive in general - making a bold move outside a sexual context can backfire but sometimes it can be a really memorable hot and incredible stimulus that she goes back to.

It's the Dobby fetish again, right?

I don't think the door can be impenetrable either, but the D/g part is primarily a bedroom thingie, then I think it can be harder to cross. The ageplay application never occurred to me, but that's not an area I'm really familiar with.

 

[myinnerslut]

[hijack]

I just bought a child's chore chart with magnets at Target. Ordinarily I'm against cheap imported toys, we use it in a "ha ha" way, but I would think that chores with gold stars could be *real* erotic candy for someone who is into ageplay.

my roomates and i keep a chart in our dormroom of how many times we go to the gym. if we go we get a star and if we go three times in a week, we get an additional gold star.

i am totally for gold star reinforcment when apropriate. [/hijack]

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Hi Dante.

I don't have a clue about housework--just wanted to congratulate you both for charting new territory together after 27 years.

I'm going on 25 with my guy and we still surprise each other every now and again.

 

[Bandit58]

I pay someone to come in once a week and do the heavier cleaning. Life's too short to worry about a bit of dirt, and I also have other things to do regarding Sir's health needs.

I cook, I do dishes and laundry, and the shopping. That's about it But I also set up and strip a dialysis machine, care for Sir when He's unwell, dole out meds several times a day, keep track of said meds, and generally act as His personal nurse. It's stressful and the times when He is well are precious - I want to share that time with Him rather than clean!

He lived on His own for several years before I moved in, and has His little quirks on how the washing is pegged on the racks for instance. I will put it out, but go back sometime later to find He's moved it, spread it out more, pegged things differently etc. It's a little joke now - the Pedantic Dom

 

[Millificent]

For anyone struggling with housework, may I suggest flylady.net?

 

[SirLeo]

Go Slow

[
The big thing is this, it sounds like the two of you are still in the negotiating stage. Whatever advice we have to offer you, remember that this decision ultimately deals with the two of you. Talk it over with her, and if she's amenable, go for it, but start slow.[/QUOTE]

I REALLY agree with the go slow. Also, you each need to decide what is really important about your relationship. Focus on the areas where you agree and get comfortable with changes and growth there before you tackle areas where you disagree. Good Luck. MY wife and I continue to explore and grow our realtionship after 16 years and it gets better all the time.

 

[Homburg]

so I put up with the subtle efforts to resist housework in disguise of "incompetence" and "blundering" designed to make me say 'fuck it, I'll do it."

I totally do this. Except with laundry. There I am genuinely incompetent.

To the OP, sounds like you've got an idea there. See how she feels about it and give it a whirl. It sounds like it motivates you and gets you happy, and if it does the same with her, it's a golden way to eroticise the everyday a little bit.

 

[Marquis]

Actually, I have no intention of telling her to clean the house. We're dealing with my trying to let go of a decades-long struggle and integrate my cleaning of the house into *my* nurturing and care for her, which we would then carry into the bedroom as i gently control her there as well.

Does this make any sense, or am I blundering in the dark?

No, I thought you were perfectly clear and I find it kinda funny how many people misread you.

Hi, everybody! I'm Dante, new to this particular corner of literotica.

Hi Dante!

Great post!

Here's my question: What if I tried to turn my upper hand in some aspects of housework into a dimension of my role as Daddy Dom? Cooking for her, taking her hand and helping her clean off her desk or pick up and organize crafts projects, and taking care of our bedroom and in-progress love room and play area would be part of the loving care provided by the Daddy, and her submission to Him in the bedroom would be another dimension of His gentle but firm and authoritative care for her.

Seems like you have a pretty sound model here. I think that having a sound model for the relationship dynamic you want is pretty much all that matters. Labels aside, if you can articulate what you want and think will work well for you and your mate, roll with it.

My concern is that this might conflict with an important aspect of what I understand to be sane and healthy BDSM namely, that games of dominance and submission are inappropriate times to express anger or resentment or exact payback for struggles in other areas of the relationship. In other words, I want to be a sexy Daddy Dom, not a sexist Daddy Dick.

The difference between sexist and sexy is going to have to be worked out between the two of you. For many of us, there is very little difference there.

As for sane and healthy BDSM, I say fuck it. If she doesn't need to be hospitalized more than every once in a while, I think that's doing pretty good. When you're too angry or resentful to play, you'll both know it. Otherwise, I think both of you may find BDSM to offer great opportunity for catharsis.

 

[eastern sun]

long term resentments can be fuel for the fire

My husband and I turned a 20 year marriage into a 24/7 D/s relationship and got seriously hung up on the housework issues.

I found integrating the housework into an expression of my submissive desires to be extremely satisfying, allowing me to enjoy mundane tasks like dishwashing and sweeping like I never had before. And I began taking real pride in the order and beauty of our home.

He however found it extremely frustrating. Though I could see the progress I was making and the discipline I was developing, he felt that on any given day that I didn't do the laundry or clean the house I failed to meet his expectations. He then took my shortcoming as an indication of my unwillingness to serve him. And I felt misunderstood and unappreciated.

I recognize that the circumstances in your relationship are different because ultimately you are not changing your expectations of your lady but instead reinterpreting your own actions as expressions of your sexual personality. I think that allows for greater possibilities of success.

You're right, however, to be on guard. The danger in using the D/s relationship to fix longstanding domestic problems are those simmering longterm resentments. My experience is that the emotional fuel of those resentments can make the fire too volatile to be passionate.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Welcome to the site...

I echo that a lot of it depends on what dynamic you guys are going for...

Communication is the key as you take your journey.

peace,