D/s vs Just bondage

[interested&confused]

My SO and I have recently discovered that I like to be tied up. It really turns me one to know that he is in total control and I am at his mercy. We haven't explored spanking or anything other than me being tied up. However, I've looked around on the net, and am very interested in the D/s lifestyle I've been reading about.
My SO and I would like to explore this further and he is very into the Dominant role.

My question is how do I know that I'm suited for this lifestyle and it isn't just a "tied up" thing? Also, how does one get trained into this lifestyle? Both he and I have never explored this with anyone else. Is there training for Dom's as well as Subs? Help, please.

 

[chatbug]

My question is how do I know that I'm suited for this lifestyle and it isn't just a "tied up" thing? Also, how does one get trained into this lifestyle? Both he and I have never explored this with anyone else. Is there training for Dom's as well as Subs?

Knowing that you're "suited for this lifestyle" is a big jump that skips a couple of important steps. The first thing you want to find out is whether or not you like / enjoy / get aroused by Domination / Submission (D/S). You and your SO can try different things that appeal to you to see if you enjoy them or not. My only advice here is to try particular scenarios two or three times before you decide you don't like them. You may very well find that you like to "play" at D/S, without having to commit to it as a lifestyle.

There is some good information about D/S on the Web. Do a search on "Domination" or "Submission", and you'll find some web sites that will provide information as well as the commercial pictures and videos. Another good source is the Usenet newsgroup soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. Hang around there for a while and read what others have posted. You can also post specific questions there that have a good change of getting answered by D/S knowledgeable people.

Good luck and I wish the both of you well.

 

[Merelan]

Good advice. A huge step.
you can also go to
http://www.mistresshecate.tripod.com

It is dedicated to exploring this. You can ask questions on the board there and get answers from people living both lifestyles.

 

[SpeakSoftly]

The D/s lifestyle is also something that interests me. From what I've read, D/s can be anything from a type of foreplay to a 24/7 power exchange where you give the Dom complete control. I also like being tied up during foreplay, but my husband is not into being a Dom, so the best I can do right now is have fantasies and read some stories. Do a web search and read. Try out different types of things. There are usually D/s groups in different towns, or differenct messageboards. Research and scene play will help you find out more.

 

[Wizard]

Read everthing you can, there IS alot of good info out there .....The wife and I read everthing we can on things like that before trying them..............

 

[SteamyChik]

BDSM jargon

I sure do understand the confusion that goes with this topic! I have always thought of B&D (bondage and discipline) as the more physical side of BDSM but it is mixed with romance. D/s or dominance and submission is more the mind control thing. Of course, S&M is the sadistic and mashochistic stuff and that's just straight pain because you like it or like to give it.

Then there are tops and bottoms, slaves and submissives, and Masters and Mistresses. Since you like the bottom end, I'll talk about that one. Bottoms, slaves, submissives and masochist are the ones that like things done TO them. Whether it's all sensual torment or outright torture, they want to experience it and not be weilding the whip, or quirt, or crop or whatever.

Slaves are on one side of the pendulum. They want the whole thing and strive for that. Most end up frustrated looking for the "perfect" Master. However, some find what they want and enjoy all aspects of slavery including what I consider the boring stuff.

Submissives enjoy submitting. They like doing what they are told most of the time but they may have some limits they won't cross. Slaves have no limits, that's the main difference there. (Disclaimer: Of course, safe, sane and consensual should always be the rule etc...)

Masochists and bottoms are very similar except the masochists generally like more edge play and pain than bottoms. Someone who is a "bottom" just likes getting "done" too but is not into submitting to someone.

A bottom would say, "You can spank me, but do it THIS way."
A masochist would say, "You can spank me, but do it HARD!"
A submissive would say, "Oh, please spank me, Sir!"
And a slave would say, well, nothing! Unless spoken too of course.

So there you go. Maybe in those descriptions you can get a feel for where you would fit in. The key here is to work out what works for you. Don't let anyone else determine how you and your husband should be, or stick a label on you. Only you and he can determine what suits you and it will be right for you.

Now, here is a quick true story. I have been in BDSM for about 8 years. I started out wanting the whole thing. Slavery, complete and total. That's pretty hard to achieve. So, then I decided on submission. That was ok for a while, but my husband got bored with it. It is a lot of work for them. While this was happening, we attended a party.

It was a formal dinner party for 8 couples. All of us were in Master/slave-submissive relationships. Well, to cut the story real short - the night consisted of us "subs" serving and entertaining our Masters all evening. You know what? Cooking, serving food and cleaning up is not my idea of fun. Even in the context of being "submissive". So, now I'm just a bottom! I love to get done but forget me getting your drink for you! LOL

The journey is fun, scary, exciting and frustrating but just ride with the ups and downs and enjoy.

Oh, and like has been said - read, read and read some more. The internet has a lot of information if you look under BDSM, Master, slave, submissive etc. And feel free to email me if you have specific questions. We are still very active in the lifestyle.