D/s: growing too attached?

[titmouse]

WARNING: This is a long rambling post describing my present situation and feelings. I put it up here in hopes of an open ear and some advice/insights. If you decide to read on I’d like to thank for your time and welcome your input and even critic very much. Thank you.

I recently read a number of very insightful thoughts on sub drop that got me thinking about my present and highly unproductive situation. Can there be something like an emotional sub drop?

I’ve been feeling down for a couple of weeks now. The kind of blue that is starting to affect my ability to face everyday responsibilities but even more my motivation for handling the smallest challenges of life. I have been enjoying an online D/s exploration with a long distance online friend for over a year now. We have grown close, maybe I have grown too close. There has been an inconsistency in our keeping in touch, chats, emails and play sessions, which seems to take on a pattern. After about 6-8 weeks of complete erotic and emotional bliss, with the kind of quite happy moments that two people connecting share, there is always a break of about another 6 weeks. It has been mostly but not exclusively him who has been pulling back. When he is not feeling well or is stressed out – ‘not much fun or communicative’ as he puts it – he prefers us not to be in touch but for the occasional email every other week. I know he feels guilty, as if he would be letting people down this way, and I know this behavior is not specifically directed at me, but affects others in his life as well. He told me he wished these ‘pauses’ would not throw me off balance so much.

Problem is they do. Lately I have been trying to improve in that area, shield my feelings more but it seems to make things for me only worse. I am generally a clingy person, though mostly act collected, strong and responsible in public. Now, imagine an emotional puppy with big brown eyes. That would be me on the inside.

When I have problems in private life they not only spill over into other areas but affect me in a way that makes facing life in general difficult. The kind of difficult when you have trouble getting up in the mornings, just want to flee into sleep, when crying yourself to sleep at night doesn’t prevent tears from spilling the next day when your superior picks on you with a bit of persistence. I can’t remember the last time I showed weakness in public, but I couldn’t seem to stop crying the other week or explain in for that matter. Even touching myself, physical pleasure and gratification feels empty and numb.

People who know me don’t know about the D/s aspect of my life. When I tried to open up a little about feeling blue to my family I had to face the reality of not having any real kind of problems. And thinking logically about it, it is true. I do have so much to be grateful for and don’t have many of the worries other people need to face daily. And I am still here, fleeing my responsibilities, feeling sorry for myself and disgusted by it at the same time.

Have you ever experienced a situation when someone was affecting you or your life too much?

I also wonder if the D/s aspect of our friendship might make his ‘absence’ more difficult for me to handle, aggrevating the symptoms. This was the original idea that the sub drop thread inspired. Is it possible to reduce such attachment? Have you ever wanted to/succeeded at it? How can you prevent to be thrown off balance when your Dominant turns from you and reduces contact radically for an indefinite period of time?

I care about him, deeply. He cares for me too, but still wishes for me to find someone else and be better off without him on the long run.

I wish no one would have to feel lonely. Being alone has been something I always enjoyed and managed well but these days it freaks me out. Seems like the more time I spend in the quite company of my mind the worse I feel.

Long rambling made short, any input or insights would be much appreciated.

Thank you for listening. I really needed that.

titmouse

 

[amadaun]

WARNING: This is a long rambling post describing my present situation and feelings. I put it up here in hopes of an open ear and some advice/insights. If you decide to read on I’d like to thank for your time and welcome your input and even critic very much. Thank you.

I recently read a number of very insightful thoughts on sub drop that got me thinking about my present and highly unproductive situation. Can there be something like an emotional sub drop?

I’ve been feeling down for a couple of weeks now. The kind of blue that is starting to affect my ability to face everyday responsibilities but even more my motivation for handling the smallest challenges of life. I have been enjoying an online D/s exploration with a long distance online friend for over a year now. We have grown close, maybe I have grown too close. There has been an inconsistency in our keeping in touch, chats, emails and play sessions, which seems to take on a pattern. After about 6-8 weeks of complete erotic and emotional bliss, with the kind of quite happy moments that two people connecting share, there is always a break of about another 6 weeks. It has been mostly but not exclusively him who has been pulling back. When he is not feeling well or is stressed out – ‘not much fun or communicative’ as he puts it – he prefers us not to be in touch but for the occasional email every other week. I know he feels guilty, as if he would be letting people down this way, and I know this behavior is not specifically directed at me, but affects others in his life as well. He told me he wished these ‘pauses’ would not throw me off balance so much.

Problem is they do. Lately I have been trying to improve in that area, shield my feelings more but it seems to make things for me only worse. I am generally a clingy person, though mostly act collected, strong and responsible in public. Now, imagine an emotional puppy with big brown eyes. That would be me on the inside.

When I have problems in private life they not only spill over into other areas but affect me in a way that makes facing life in general difficult. The kind of difficult when you have trouble getting up in the mornings, just want to flee into sleep, when crying yourself to sleep at night doesn’t prevent tears from spilling the next day when your superior picks on you with a bit of persistence. I can’t remember the last time I showed weakness in public, but I couldn’t seem to stop crying the other week or explain in for that matter. Even touching myself, physical pleasure and gratification feels empty and numb.

People who know me don’t know about the D/s aspect of my life. When I tried to open up a little about feeling blue to my family I had to face the reality of not having any real kind of problems. And thinking logically about it, it is true. I do have so much to be grateful for and don’t have many of the worries other people need to face daily. And I am still here, fleeing my responsibilities, feeling sorry for myself and disgusted by it at the same time.

Have you ever experienced a situation when someone was affecting you or your life too much?

I also wonder if the D/s aspect of our friendship might make his ‘absence’ more difficult for me to handle, aggrevating the symptoms. This was the original idea that the sub drop thread inspired. Is it possible to reduce such attachment? Have you ever wanted to/succeeded at it? How can you prevent to be thrown off balance when your Dominant turns from you and reduces contact radically for an indefinite period of time?

I care about him, deeply. He cares for me too, but still wishes for me to find someone else and be better off without him on the long run.

I wish no one would have to feel lonely. Being alone has been something I always enjoyed and managed well but these days it freaks me out. Seems like the more time I spend in the quite company of my mind the worse I feel.

Long rambling made short, any input or insights would be much appreciated.

Thank you for listening. I really needed that.

titmouse

Hey, titmouse. Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

I had a similarly painful experience with the first online-based relationship I ever had. It's still kind of hard for me to write about, a little raw to the touch. For the record, it was not a D/s relationship; it was, however, the first relationship I'd had where I felt genuinely connected to the other person on a level where we talked about being soulmates, getting married (eep!) etc. We met twice and it was electric. There was a lot of talk and turmoil about the various things keeping us from being together.

Anyway, I was obsessing about this to a friend for the millionth time, and she said something that made it totally clear to me that I was hurting myself over him for no reason. I was crying all the time, going through bouts of up and down (mostly down), depressed and lonely and confused. Even though I was sleeping with other people and he wasn't, it was pretty clear that I needed him much more than he needed me. So I decided to pull away for a bit, not be a constant, needy presence and see if he would come after me. Hurt like a bitch at first. He didn't. When I ended it, he didn't even see what the problem was, or that his actions had hurt me.

I don't think it's true at all that you don't have "any real kinds of problems". An online relationship that's been going on for over a year is extremely real, and so is the emotional trauma it's causing you. (The topic of online/IRL dichotomy is better in another thread, I think). The fact that your partner here recognizes that his withdrawal is hurting you and wants you to find someone else is probably a good indication that that might be the right thing to do. Since he already knows what the problem is, you don't need to "break up" in an all-or nothing move. You could try to pull away emotionally - not constantly be waiting for him to call or come online, not opening up all the time about how you constantly miss him and need him and want him - with his full awareness that you were doing so, and see if it makes you feel any more whole. Of course, I'm only telling you what worked for me.

It "worked", of course, in the sense that that particular relationship ended because I wasn't getting what I needed. I don't think there's a great way that you can somehow recalibrate yourself emotionally to be less needy and more aloof and make the relationship continue that way with the same level of intimacy. LDR works best, I think, when both partners have the same needs and can express that to each other (and D/s is a whole nother kettle of fish which I feel I can safely say intensifies things in a lot of ways).

Anyway, apologies for the totally subjective and rambling advice. I really hope you can find a way to make things work out for you, I know how hard it can be. Take care of yourself.

- amadaun

 

[CutieMouse]

This is a good example of why I'm not a fan of online relationships.

We are all responsible for deciding what we can, and cannot, tolerate in a relationship. Even an online relationship, is still a relationship, and the persons in it deserve to find out where their healthy boundaries lie (and have them supported)- exactly as they would if the relationship were face to face.

Sometimes discovering what we can't tolerate is a painful process; sometimes it means we have to face some difficult choices.

From what you've written, the online relationship as it stands, is damaging you emotionally. If you are allowing the dynamics of the relationship to impact your ability to function, you have a responsibility to yourself to change something. (Stuffing your feelings down inside, does not count as "change".) That might mean talking to your partner and explaining that the 'fits of the sullens' might make him feel less than fun to be around, but you have a *need* (not a want, but a need) for regular communication, and negotiate something the two of you both find acceptable. Grownups do not cut off those closest to them, simply because they are having a bad day/week/whatever. If y'all can't reach an agreement about the communication thing, then it might be best to move on, rather than continue the downward spiral you are currently experiencing.

You are the only person who can decide if a relationship (online or real life) "works" for you or not; just because Susie Orgasm can deal with the on again off again contact from her cyber-buddy, doesn't mean you can, and I'd strongly urge you to decide what you *need* to order have BDSM in your life, without disrupting your life.

 

[titmouse]

Emotional detachment

Hey, titmouse. Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

I had a similarly painful experience with the first online-based relationship I ever had. It's still kind of hard for me to write about, a little raw to the touch. For the record, it was not a D/s relationship; it was, however, the first relationship I'd had where I felt genuinely connected to the other person on a level where we talked about being soulmates, getting married (eep!) etc. We met twice and it was electric. There was a lot of talk and turmoil about the various things keeping us from being together.

Anyway, I was obsessing about this to a friend for the millionth time, and she said something that made it totally clear to me that I was hurting myself over him for no reason. I was crying all the time, going through bouts of up and down (mostly down), depressed and lonely and confused. Even though I was sleeping with other people and he wasn't, it was pretty clear that I needed him much more than he needed me. So I decided to pull away for a bit, not be a constant, needy presence and see if he would come after me. Hurt like a bitch at first. He didn't. When I ended it, he didn't even see what the problem was, or that his actions had hurt me.

I don't think it's true at all that you don't have "any real kinds of problems". An online relationship that's been going on for over a year is extremely real, and so is the emotional trauma it's causing you. (The topic of online/IRL dichotomy is better in another thread, I think). The fact that your partner here recognizes that his withdrawal is hurting you and wants you to find someone else is probably a good indication that that might be the right thing to do. Since he already knows what the problem is, you don't need to "break up" in an all-or nothing move. You could try to pull away emotionally - not constantly be waiting for him to call or come online, not opening up all the time about how you constantly miss him and need him and want him - with his full awareness that you were doing so, and see if it makes you feel any more whole. Of course, I'm only telling you what worked for me.

It "worked", of course, in the sense that that particular relationship ended because I wasn't getting what I needed. I don't think there's a great way that you can somehow recalibrate yourself emotionally to be less needy and more aloof and make the relationship continue that way with the same level of intimacy. LDR works best, I think, when both partners have the same needs and can express that to each other (and D/s is a whole nother kettle of fish which I feel I can safely say intensifies things in a lot of ways).

Anyway, apologies for the totally subjective and rambling advice. I really hope you can find a way to make things work out for you, I know how hard it can be. Take care of yourself.

- amadaun

Thank you, amadaun.

There are no apologies in order, just a big thank you from me to you. I felt from your post that it must have cost you a great deal to tell about your long distance relationship in order to share your personal experience and insights with me. I am glad to know that you have found a solution that worked well for you and I am sorry for the pain it caused you. I also want you to know that I appreciate your kindness and thoughts very much.

The getting emotionally detached approach I have tried before, more than once, especially during one of our lengthier breaks. It hurt a lot and I constantly felt like letting him down, like I was tossing aside something very valuable and treating him badly. It got better after a while, I thought we would be just long distance friends, without the romantic hopes and sensual benefits attached, but a few weeks passed and he popped up again. Seducing me back and truth is I wanted to be seduced. The time together is a bliss, I feel to have made a number of compromises to make things work and I believe so has he.

I know it takes two to tango, but I keep thinking I am not handeling the situation well enough, not mature or patient enough. I know he needs someone stable in his life, someone to hold onto and support him and I want to be there and do my best, I want or even need to be needed like that. Maybe that is one of the reasons why being 'put on hold/not wanted around' hurts so much ...

To be honest, I haven't really given the idea of ending it thought yet. I was just looking for a technique how to cope with the situation better. I know it is just temporary, but unfortunately also recurrent, so I have to change something if this friendship/relationship is supposed to have a future on the long run.

I realize though that an outer point of view can often be beneficial when you are drowning in your emotions so I welcome any and all input and appreciate them very much.

 

[titmouse]

Responsibility

Sometimes discovering what we can't tolerate is a painful process; sometimes it means we have to face some difficult choices.

From what you've written, the online relationship as it stands, is damaging you emotionally. If you are allowing the dynamics of the relationship to impact your ability to function, you have a responsibility to yourself to change something.

You are the only person who can decide if a relationship (online or real life) "works" for you or not

Thank you, CutieMouse

I appreciate your point of view. Truth hurts at times they say. The messages quoted above are the ones that got through to me, so I hope you won't consider them typed in vain.

I'll be leaving town for a few days, try to get a little more rational and less involved point of view and will think about your words too.

In the meantime, I'd still like to invite all to leave comments if they like, I'll be checking on the thread in a few days.

Wishing all a wonderful New Year! ​

 

[lil_slave_rose]

WARNING: This is a long rambling post describing my present situation and feelings. I put it up here in hopes of an open ear and some advice/insights. If you decide to read on I’d like to thank for your time and welcome your input and even critic very much. Thank you.

I recently read a number of very insightful thoughts on sub drop that got me thinking about my present and highly unproductive situation. Can there be something like an emotional sub drop?

I’ve been feeling down for a couple of weeks now. The kind of blue that is starting to affect my ability to face everyday responsibilities but even more my motivation for handling the smallest challenges of life. I have been enjoying an online D/s exploration with a long distance online friend for over a year now. We have grown close, maybe I have grown too close. There has been an inconsistency in our keeping in touch, chats, emails and play sessions, which seems to take on a pattern. After about 6-8 weeks of complete erotic and emotional bliss, with the kind of quite happy moments that two people connecting share, there is always a break of about another 6 weeks. It has been mostly but not exclusively him who has been pulling back. When he is not feeling well or is stressed out – ‘not much fun or communicative’ as he puts it – he prefers us not to be in touch but for the occasional email every other week. I know he feels guilty, as if he would be letting people down this way, and I know this behavior is not specifically directed at me, but affects others in his life as well. He told me he wished these ‘pauses’ would not throw me off balance so much.

Problem is they do. Lately I have been trying to improve in that area, shield my feelings more but it seems to make things for me only worse. I am generally a clingy person, though mostly act collected, strong and responsible in public. Now, imagine an emotional puppy with big brown eyes. That would be me on the inside.

When I have problems in private life they not only spill over into other areas but affect me in a way that makes facing life in general difficult. The kind of difficult when you have trouble getting up in the mornings, just want to flee into sleep, when crying yourself to sleep at night doesn’t prevent tears from spilling the next day when your superior picks on you with a bit of persistence. I can’t remember the last time I showed weakness in public, but I couldn’t seem to stop crying the other week or explain in for that matter. Even touching myself, physical pleasure and gratification feels empty and numb.

People who know me don’t know about the D/s aspect of my life. When I tried to open up a little about feeling blue to my family I had to face the reality of not having any real kind of problems. And thinking logically about it, it is true. I do have so much to be grateful for and don’t have many of the worries other people need to face daily. And I am still here, fleeing my responsibilities, feeling sorry for myself and disgusted by it at the same time.

Have you ever experienced a situation when someone was affecting you or your life too much?

I also wonder if the D/s aspect of our friendship might make his ‘absence’ more difficult for me to handle, aggrevating the symptoms. This was the original idea that the sub drop thread inspired. Is it possible to reduce such attachment? Have you ever wanted to/succeeded at it? How can you prevent to be thrown off balance when your Dominant turns from you and reduces contact radically for an indefinite period of time?

I care about him, deeply. He cares for me too, but still wishes for me to find someone else and be better off without him on the long run.

I wish no one would have to feel lonely. Being alone has been something I always enjoyed and managed well but these days it freaks me out. Seems like the more time I spend in the quite company of my mind the worse I feel.

Long rambling made short, any input or insights would be much appreciated.

Thank you for listening. I really needed that.

titmouse

this is MY opinion and only MY opinion, but it sounds like He isn't caring to much that you are in an emotional downward spiral. He just doesn't sound very sympathetic to your feelings, or needs. i think some good advice has been given here, pulling away, backing off may b e your best bet. it doesn't sound like he wants you to be so close to Him, doesn't sound like He wants a 'relationship' with you, other than friends and occasional D/s interactions and it sounds like what you want is a deep meaningful relationship with Him. and if He doesn't want it, you are going to continue to get in these depressed modes because He's not reacting to you the way you want Him to. the fact that He has told you to find someone else, says ALOT in the way He feels. i'm not saying He doesn't care about you, because i'm sure He does, but i don't think He loves you the way you want Him to and He probably never will. so the only thing i see that you can do to make it 'better' is back off, maybe even walk away from the relationship as you will never be fulfilled and always left sad and lonely.........good luck to you....

 

[catalina_francisco]

For a large part I'm with Cutie Mouse on this one. Without being in constant contact it is difficult to get through situations like you describe, and it may be that it is simply a situation of being 2 people who are not going to be good for each other without there needing to be any one person at fault. You sound very similar to me in your reactions and how it affects you in all facets of your life, and your online friend also sounds very like me in the way they are reacting to their own situation. I can totally identify with the aspect of not emailing or contacting because of how they are feeling, and despite the disbelief of some, it is not something which is easy or even able to be controlled in the interests of making or keeping others happy. Nor is it uncaring or selfish on the part of the person who is feeling unable to maintain regular contact...it is a fact of life for some of us which we live with every day of our lives and requires the understanding and support of those around us, not the pressure to change to help them cope.

What he has told you about it not being about you is true...it has nothing to do with how he feels about you or the relationship, nor whether he cares at all, it is depression. Given your description he is at a level where it takes an enormous amount of energy just for him to keep going in his own life without needing to carry the burden of how it is affecting others, though it is normal it does concern us until we reach a point where we realise we cannot assume that responsibility or we are going to be worse. If you were in a physical contact relationship you might both be able to handle and understand it better so as not to feel it is so huge, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding to reach that point. Unfortunately most choose to judge the behaviour based on their own situation and how they cope because they are not living a daily existence with depression issues of this magnitude and so feel it is a matter of choice for the person having such problems, the 'just snap out of it' mentality...it isn't. Depression is an illness(not a choice) and is very complex...if we could 'choose' our behaviour, there would be a lot of medicos and pharmaceutical industries out of business. I hope I have been on some help in making it clearer for you and reassuring you it is not about you...only you can decide if you can cope with it long term. Fortunately I have someone who has made it OK for me to just close off from the world when I need it most and support me in whatever way feels right in the moment...not everyone is that fortunate to have someone who cares and understands it enough to provide that support. For me, that is when love is tested....when both are in it for the bad times as well as the good...sort of like the conventional marriage vow of 'in sickness and in health'....you don't just up and move on when your partner is ill and struggling to cope.

Catalina

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I had an on-line submissive before I met rose who did that same thing to Me... Finally, she pulled it and I was basically sick if fighting, so I let go... and now have one beyond compare.

just be careful...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

For a large part I'm with Cutie Mouse on this one. Without being in constant contact it is difficult to get through situations like you describe, and it may be that it is simply a situation of being 2 people who are not going to be good for each other without there needing to be any one person at fault. You sound very similar to me in your reactions and how it affects you in all facets of your life, and your online friend also sounds very like me in the way they are reacting to their own situation. I can totally identify with the aspect of not emailing or contacting because of how they are feeling, and despite the disbelief of some, it is not something which is easy or even able to be controlled in the interests of making or keeping others happy. Nor is it uncaring or selfish on the part of the person who is feeling unable to maintain regular contact...it is a fact of life for some of us which we live with every day of our lives and requires the understanding and support of those around us, not the pressure to change to help them cope.

What he has told you about it not being about you is true...it has nothing to do with how he feels about you or the relationship, nor whether he cares at all, it is depression. Given your description he is at a level where it takes an enormous amount of energy just for him to keep going in his own life without needing to carry the burden of how it is affecting others, though it is normal it does concern us until we reach a point where we realise we cannot assume that responsibility or we are going to be worse. If you were in a physical contact relationship you might both be able to handle and understand it better so as not to feel it is so huge, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding to reach that point. Unfortunately most choose to judge the behaviour based on their own situation and how they cope because they are not living a daily existence with depression issues of this magnitude and so feel it is a matter of choice for the person having such problems, the 'just snap out of it' mentality...it isn't. Depression is an illness(not a choice) and is very complex...if we could 'choose' our behaviour, there would be a lot of medicos and pharmaceutical industries out of business. I hope I have been on some help in making it clearer for you and reassuring you it is not about you...only you can decide if you can cope with it long term. Fortunately I have someone who has made it OK for me to just close off from the world when I need it most and support me in whatever way feels right in the moment...not everyone is that fortunate to have someone who cares and understands it enough to provide that support. For me, that is when love is tested....when both are in it for the bad times as well as the good...sort of like the conventional marriage vow of 'in sickness and in health'....you don't just up and move on when your partner is ill and struggling to cope.

Catalina

i suffer from depression, have for many many years, almost took my own life once because i had not gotten help for it. i guess in the OP'ers post i didn't see where she said He has depression??? i know her description of herself and how she's feeling sounds ALOT like depression though......

 

[catalina_francisco]

i suffer from depression, have for many many years, almost took my own life once because i had not gotten help for it. i guess in the OP'ers post i didn't see where she said He has depression??? i know her description of herself and how she's feeling sounds ALOT like depression though......

Then I guess you will understand it. Both sound like depression. They have my empathy as it is not always simple to find a way of living with it, or treating it.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Both sound like depression. They have my empathy as it is not always simple to find a way of living with it, or treating it.

Catalina

and mine as well, Depression is no fun walk in the park. it sucks, and just when i'm having enough 'good days' to think i'm finally 'ok' along comes a few days that are 'bad' to throw me right back into that black pit. i do wish them both luck in their journeys and life in general. and do hope they can find some medium to 'deal' with the depression issues together when they come along. i know having Master understand my depression has made a HUGE difference in the way it's handled for me when it comes up.

 

[catalina_francisco]

and mine as well, Depression is no fun walk in the park. it sucks, and just when i'm having enough 'good days' to think i'm finally 'ok' along comes a few days that are 'bad' to throw me right back into that black pit. i do wish them both luck in their journeys and life in general. and do hope they can find some medium to 'deal' with the depression issues together when they come along. i know having Master understand my depression has made a HUGE difference in the way it's handled for me when it comes up.

It certainly helps to have someone who finally gets it and doesn't tell you to just pull your socks up and get on with it. You might find the thread on Mental Health and BDSM I just rebumped interesting reading.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

It certainly helps to have someone who finally gets it and doesn't tell you to just pull your socks up and get on with it. You might find the thread on Mental Health and BDSM I just rebumped interesting reading.

Catalina

*smiles* yes it most definantly is, and i will read the that thread you bumped after i fix dinner thank you

 

[BeachGurl2]

First of all, I agree that it sounds like depression. Sub drop isn't something that I would consider being an on-going problem, at least, not one like what you've described. And I'm not sure I would believe that it's D/s based, it seems to me that you would probably be in this emotional state regardless of the nature of the relationship. Of course, that's only my opinion.

Now, I'm going to preface my next comments with this. I am not at all trying to sound unfeeling by what I'm about to say. I've lived with depression and anxiety disorder on and off for over 20 years. I know how difficult and how debilitating it can be when you are in the midst of it all. My next comments aren't so much about your emotional state as they are about this relationship. If you feel I'm out of line with them, I apologize.

Whenever I read posts about just this sort of thing in an online relationship, it leads me to a couple of questions. First, if this were a real life, skin-on-skin relationship, would you put up with someone who wanted to see you and have sex with you regularly for 6-8 weeks, and then who just disappeared for 6 weeks and only called you say every other week to just touch base but didn't want to see you or to hear from you? Even if he knew how hurt you were by his actions? And then he turned up again, like a stray dog looking for a meal, for another 6-8 weeks of sex before disappearing again?

Why is it that so many of us put up with this sort of thing in an online relationship but wouldn't dare allow it in a real life relationship? I understand your pain, you've become emotionally attached to someone and he's basically giving you what amounts to a brush off. You're there for him when he appears, but then when he's done for a bit, you're stuck missing him and getting depressed. He doesn't really seem to care about the fact that his actions have hurt you.

I've never done the online thing, so I can't truly understand the dynamics involved. But I know for myself that it wouldn't matter to me whether the relationship were real time or online, there are certain things that are deal breakers. You're either in a relationship or you're not. It can't be one-sided, otherwise it's not a relationship. I understand that you say he feels guilty, but frankly, I don't buy that. If he felt guilt of any sort, he would try harder to alleviate your bad feelings by contacting you rather than blowing you off. I mean, let's face it. If you had a pet that you fed regularly for 6-8 weeks, then just stopped feeding him for 6 weeks, how long do you think the dog would hang around before he would find someone else who would feed him every single day?

Like I said, I don't mean to sound harsh or unfeeling. It just really pisses me off when a nice person talks about what some jackass idiot is doing to her in a relationship. He might be as nice as Andy Griffith in your eyes, but I just can't agree with that. He's not treating you as if he cares about you. He's treating you as if he's using you. My question for him would be, who's servicing you during those other 6 weeks? Do you think there might be another online sub out there who gets him for those 6 weeks, and then she's stuck like you are for the other 6-8 weeks wondering what she did wrong? No matter what he might say, I think the possibility is strong.

 

[titmouse]

For a large part I'm with Cutie Mouse on this one. Without being in constant contact it is difficult to get through situations like you describe, and it may be that it is simply a situation of being 2 people who are not going to be good for each other without there needing to be any one person at fault. You sound very similar to me in your reactions and how it affects you in all facets of your life, and your online friend also sounds very like me in the way they are reacting to their own situation. I can totally identify with the aspect of not emailing or contacting because of how they are feeling, and despite the disbelief of some, it is not something which is easy or even able to be controlled in the interests of making or keeping others happy. Nor is it uncaring or selfish on the part of the person who is feeling unable to maintain regular contact...it is a fact of life for some of us which we live with every day of our lives and requires the understanding and support of those around us, not the pressure to change to help them cope.

What he has told you about it not being about you is true...it has nothing to do with how he feels about you or the relationship, nor whether he cares at all, it is depression. Given your description he is at a level where it takes an enormous amount of energy just for him to keep going in his own life without needing to carry the burden of how it is affecting others, though it is normal it does concern us until we reach a point where we realise we cannot assume that responsibility or we are going to be worse. If you were in a physical contact relationship you might both be able to handle and understand it better so as not to feel it is so huge, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding to reach that point. Unfortunately most choose to judge the behaviour based on their own situation and how they cope because they are not living a daily existence with depression issues of this magnitude and so feel it is a matter of choice for the person having such problems, the 'just snap out of it' mentality...it isn't. Depression is an illness(not a choice) and is very complex...if we could 'choose' our behaviour, there would be a lot of medicos and pharmaceutical industries out of business. I hope I have been on some help in making it clearer for you and reassuring you it is not about you...only you can decide if you can cope with it long term. Fortunately I have someone who has made it OK for me to just close off from the world when I need it most and support me in whatever way feels right in the moment...not everyone is that fortunate to have someone who cares and understands it enough to provide that support. For me, that is when love is tested....when both are in it for the bad times as well as the good...sort of like the conventional marriage vow of 'in sickness and in health'....you don't just up and move on when your partner is ill and struggling to cope.

Catalina

Thank you Catalina.

The sentences above just really touched a chord inside me.

I do believe that it would be easier to understand and cope with the situation in a skin to skin relationship/friendship for both of us but at the moment that is not an option partly to circumstances eluding our control. However, I think in general it may yet keep him from wanting to enter a real life relationship for a while.

I appreciate your insights as they have indeed made things more understandable for me and raised questions I am trying to find answers to in more specific resources. Thanks for bumping up that mental health thread btw, have started reading it and it seems like a good source to help me understand the other person's perspective of the situation better I think through other's experiences and what things to watch out for with special care when it comes to D/s. I'll continue reading it.

I also feel it of relevance to mention that many of the descriptions and reaction you have told about above sounded very familiar to me and echoed what I have been already told or have observed about my friend. It is like a puzzle would be put together in front of my eyes and pieces that used to leave me hurt, upset and confused would fit together to something not that upsetting that I can find more understanding for in my heart.

I do think that I need more information on the topic and will try to read up on it in the next few weeks. Although I know it may be a reluctant topic to face for my friend, once we get in touch again more frequently and a good period comes again I will need to try to talk to him about it too.

As for my own part, the only thing that really seems to trigger this kind of feeling down seems to be relationship associated issues, especially pseudo or real rejection associated situations. Professional failures, family stress and loss didn't seem to have this effect in the past. But I do consider awareness a good thing and while I am still not considering myself depressed, I appreciate you pointing out the possibility to me.

A Beck score comes to mind, one that was designed to assess potential depression in people who try to quit smoking. I have never been smoking. I just stumbled over it a few months ago and filled it out out of curiosity. I scored in the middle of the "mild depression" scale. I know it doesn't translate perfectly to the situation, but I try to take it as a warning sign to look out for potential signs in the future.

Thanks for caring, Catalina, and for taking the time and making the effort to share your insights. I am glad you have found that special someone to mutually hold onto for better and worse.

 

[titmouse]

Dear BeachGurl2, first of all, I'd like to thank you for your honesty and sharing your opinion with me. I am a straight forward person in general and I appreciate the same from others.

And I'm not sure I would believe that it's D/s based, it seems to me that you would probably be in this emotional state regardless of the nature of the relationship. Of course, that's only my opinion.

I think that comes very close to my own impression too. Only thing I was wondering about was that the D/s context may create a strong emotional bond, make one feel finally understood on a level that a vanilla only relationship could not provide. When needs are met without being judged or a person considered a freak. It feels like a safe haven to me in this regard from the world and as such, it is increasingly difficult to do without when it is not there. Something that adds another depth/ shade to the emotional attachement and thus may aggravate the situation with an additional feeling of loss. Probably not making much sense here, sorry.

Whenever I read posts about just this sort of thing in an online relationship, it leads me to a couple of questions. First, if this were a real life, skin-on-skin relationship, would you put up with someone who wanted to see you and have sex with you regularly for 6-8 weeks, and then who just disappeared for 6 weeks and only called you say every other week to just touch base but didn't want to see you or to hear from you? Even if he knew how hurt you were by his actions? And then he turned up again, like a stray dog looking for a meal, for another 6-8 weeks of sex before disappearing again?

Why is it that so many of us put up with this sort of thing in an online relationship but wouldn't dare allow it in a real life relationship? I understand your pain, you've become emotionally attached to someone and he's basically giving you what amounts to a brush off. You're there for him when he appears, but then when he's done for a bit, you're stuck missing him and getting depressed. He doesn't really seem to care about the fact that his actions have hurt you.

I've never done the online thing, so I can't truly understand the dynamics involved. But I know for myself that it wouldn't matter to me whether the relationship were real time or online, there are certain things that are deal breakers. You're either in a relationship or you're not. It can't be one-sided, otherwise it's not a relationship. I understand that you say he feels guilty, but frankly, I don't buy that. If he felt guilt of any sort, he would try harder to alleviate your bad feelings by contacting you rather than blowing you off. I mean, let's face it. If you had a pet that you fed regularly for 6-8 weeks, then just stopped feeding him for 6 weeks, how long do you think the dog would hang around before he would find someone else who would feed him every single day?

I appreciate your insight and I do consider your questions valid from an outer point of view. I put this situation up here because I wanted outer POVs and insights.

The truth is I don't know. If I am being honest, I don't think I would put up with the exact same situation for real, if he just disappeared from my life when he feels that certain way. But I must also say, I doubt the situation would feel this severe to me for real. When you can just see a person regularly, maybe hug him, make a nice meal or go for a walk or talk, or even just spend time together curled up in bed without much being said, I think if I had some of those things on a regular basis I would manage fine and not feel upset without sex or him acting like Mr sunshine when he feels blue and out of touch. I can't know for sure of course, I haven't been there.

Like I said, I don't mean to sound harsh or unfeeling. It just really pisses me off when a nice person talks about what some jackass idiot is doing to her in a relationship. He might be as nice as Andy Griffith in your eyes, but I just can't agree with that. He's not treating you as if he cares about you. He's treating you as if he's using you. My question for him would be, who's servicing you during those other 6 weeks? Do you think there might be another online sub out there who gets him for those 6 weeks, and then she's stuck like you are for the other 6-8 weeks wondering what she did wrong? No matter what he might say, I think the possibility is strong.

Ok, this is a though one.

Can you ever be sure? Do you trust your partner when he goes to work that he won't screw his secretery during lunch break? Fact is I am usually very very careful and reluctant about whom I trust in real life and to what degree and online probably even more so. Many of the impressions that usually help us assess a person are not here, so in a way there certainly is a higher risk involved for making a mistake.

What I can say is that I feel safe with him. I can't rationally explain it, though part of it is that my trust hasn't been betrayed yet by him. But it is also a deeper, more instinctive reaction I have to him as a person. My gut tells me he is one of the good ones, if you will.

And the last point I would like to make is that I am not a victim here in any way. I am just a person facing a situation that is rather emotionally challenging at the moment. I realized this situation may be a recurrent one and the way I am handling it is not good enough to help me stay productive and supportive as I would like to be. I am hoping to benefit from other's opinons on said situation, to get me thinking and find a better way for handling things. Andy Griffith, as you put it , is far from perfect, but so am I. There has been times when I needed him and he was there and strong for me and others when he couldn't. But I do believe firmly that he is a good person with good intentions facing difficlut times. And I want to help and manage to be patient without being thrown off balance. Just need to figure out how. And that is what your posts help me a great deal with. You can't present a solution tailored to our individual needs, but your opinion and thoughts can inspire, your questions, especially the though ones, can provoke potential answers and thus help me to discover possible solutions and hopefully one that will work.

I truely appreciate your comments and know that you all are having my/our good in mind when sharing them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I understand that you say he feels guilty, but frankly, I don't buy that. If he felt guilt of any sort, he would try harder to alleviate your bad feelings by contacting you rather than blowing you off.

If he is suffering from the level and type depression I have, he could well feel guilty to the point of wanting to commit suicide but not be able to make that contact. It is the rare person who understands and believes it without having experienced it themselves, but it is the reality of that person and given he has said this is how he is feeling and offering to let her find someone else, it sounds like depression to me. Some people say they have had depression, and yes they might have, but if they have had your average mild garden variety and never glimpsed inside the walls of such debilitating levels it is difficult to understand and easier to accuse a person of not caring simply because you are capable so why aren't they?

Problem is we are not all the same and do not experience things the same. I recently have had a close family member have to come to terms with this type of periodic closing out from their partner of 35 years which they did not understand and were on the verge of going for divorce. After explaining a little about my experiences, and their actually moving beyond what hurt they felt to find a way to sit down and listen to their partner, they finally began to get an idea of how the partner had been in their own personal hell which had nothing to do with their marriage, love, happiness, or relationship.....they are now tackling the problem together and learning to see the signs and give the room needed when it hits hard. bottom line is the depressed partner did not want the relationship to end, did not want to shut out the partner, but it goes beyond control and spirals into helplessness most never come close to. True, one does not have to stay if they cannot take it or are not deeply enough involved to warrant staying, but it also isn't fair to say the depressed partner had choices and they chose to do nothing when it was not something which could be controlled or chosen, judging them on standards of behaviour a healthy and unafflicted person (or mildly afflicted) enjoys.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you Catalina.

You're welcome. Mental illlness is one of the most misunderstood and discriminated areas of health. I did see a questionairre for depression once which was not specifically for any group such as smokers so if I can find it again I can post it here if you wish.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

This is a wonderfully supportive and understanding thread. I too have depression and anxiety disorder, both of which are helped by medication but not completely solved by it.

Depression can be like a kind of emotional paralysis. I often find that I know I should be doing something, contacting someone, responding to something - but I can't move, can't bring myself to do it. I tend to escape into games and things like that, just so I can try to forget that I am supposed to be doing something. Perhaps that is why he isn't getting in touch - he knows he should, but he can't. It's very common among depressed people to lose interest in the things they enjoyed in the past, and doing unpleasant tasks is also not interesting.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

It certainly helps to have someone who finally gets it and doesn't tell you to just pull your socks up and get on with it. You might find the thread on Mental Health and BDSM I just rebumped interesting reading.

Catalina

Being that I have had depressive episodes, Myself I understand where sh eis coming from.

I am always on the look out for signs to head things off at the pass if you will, and help to pull her up before it gets to a bad stage...

*sigh* I am not alywas successful, but I try anyway.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

If he is suffering from the level and type depression I have, he could well feel guilty to the point of wanting to commit suicide but not be able to make that contact. It is the rare person who understands and believes it without having experienced it themselves, but it is the reality of that person and given he has said this is how he is feeling and offering to let her find someone else, it sounds like depression to me. Some people say they have had depression, and yes they might have, but if they have had your average mild garden variety and never glimpsed inside the walls of such debilitating levels it is difficult to understand and easier to accuse a person of not caring simply because you are capable so why aren't they?

Problem is we are not all the same and do not experience things the same. I recently have had a close family member have to come to terms with this type of periodic closing out from their partner of 35 years which they did not understand and were on the verge of going for divorce. After explaining a little about my experiences, and their actually moving beyond what hurt they felt to find a way to sit down and listen to their partner, they finally began to get an idea of how the partner had been in their own personal hell which had nothing to do with their marriage, love, happiness, or relationship.....they are now tackling the problem together and learning to see the signs and give the room needed when it hits hard. bottom line is the depressed partner did not want the relationship to end, did not want to shut out the partner, but it goes beyond control and spirals into helplessness most never come close to. True, one does not have to stay if they cannot take it or are not deeply enough involved to warrant staying, but it also isn't fair to say the depressed partner had choices and they chose to do nothing when it was not something which could be controlled or chosen, judging them on standards of behaviour a healthy and unafflicted person (or mildly afflicted) enjoys.

Catalina

everything you said here hits really close to home for me Catalina, there was a time that i was so depressed (before i was diagnosed and would face the fact that i was indeed 'depressed') that i tried to take my own life, my husband at the time, found me in the bathroom and lucky for me, found me soon enough. in my first post i jumped to judgment in saying this Man did not care for her feelings, i never gave it a thought that it sounded like depression he was going through, going back and re-reading the OP's post, i see that it does indeed sound alot like it, the periods of 'shutting her out' and such. i went through this also a few years ago with Master, i just shut Him out, wouldn't talk , spent my time playing online games while Him and i were on the phone, there was so much in my head at that time and i didn't know how to tell Him that i had fallen back into the black hole of depression, luckily for me, i was saved again by a dear friend of Him and i's she told Him there was some things He needed to talk to me about but would not tell Him what was said in our conversation but let Him know i was not in a good headspace...had she not done that..who knows what would have happend, as i know Master was at His wits end with me. what i'm trying to say is , i judged wrong, and for that i'm sorry, i didn't even stop to see the possibility that He could be suffering from Depression.

it is hard for anyone standing on the outside who's never had to deal with 'depression' to understand that it's not about THEM....i totally agree with everything you said in this post..and i do hope the OP will read up on depression and ways to deal with it in their loved ones as it's not easy for anyone involved....

 

[BeachGurl2]

If he is suffering from the level and type depression I have, he could well feel guilty to the point of wanting to commit suicide but not be able to make that contact. It is the rare person who understands and believes it without having experienced it themselves, but it is the reality of that person and given he has said this is how he is feeling and offering to let her find someone else, it sounds like depression to me. Some people say they have had depression, and yes they might have, but if they have had your average mild garden variety and never glimpsed inside the walls of such debilitating levels it is difficult to understand and easier to accuse a person of not caring simply because you are capable so why aren't they?

Problem is we are not all the same and do not experience things the same. I recently have had a close family member have to come to terms with this type of periodic closing out from their partner of 35 years which they did not understand and were on the verge of going for divorce. After explaining a little about my experiences, and their actually moving beyond what hurt they felt to find a way to sit down and listen to their partner, they finally began to get an idea of how the partner had been in their own personal hell which had nothing to do with their marriage, love, happiness, or relationship.....they are now tackling the problem together and learning to see the signs and give the room needed when it hits hard. bottom line is the depressed partner did not want the relationship to end, did not want to shut out the partner, but it goes beyond control and spirals into helplessness most never come close to. True, one does not have to stay if they cannot take it or are not deeply enough involved to warrant staying, but it also isn't fair to say the depressed partner had choices and they chose to do nothing when it was not something which could be controlled or chosen, judging them on standards of behaviour a healthy and unafflicted person (or mildly afflicted) enjoys.

Catalina

I am very aware of the debilitating effects of depression, having suffered from it on and off my entire adult life. Plus, I have anxiety disorder on top of it, which can really create havoc when a panic attack hits in the middle of depression. For many years, I was on several medications to control both. Now, I choose not to medicate myself and to control things in holistic ways. It works for me, but isn't necessarily right for everyone.

The purpose of my post was to present another side to things, not to minimize the possibility of medical illness. It is possible that he is suffering from severe depression. But it is also possible that he's just a jackass. I felt that the OP needed to hear both views so that she could try to look as honestly as possible at the entire situation. I tried to make sure that she understand I wasn't trying to brush aside her feelings or just preach to her, but to offer up an alternate possibility. Based on her response to my post, I believe that she understood where I was coming from.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is a wonderfully supportive and understanding thread. I too have depression and anxiety disorder, both of which are helped by medication but not completely solved by it.

Depression can be like a kind of emotional paralysis. I often find that I know I should be doing something, contacting someone, responding to something - but I can't move, can't bring myself to do it. I tend to escape into games and things like that, just so I can try to forget that I am supposed to be doing something. Perhaps that is why he isn't getting in touch - he knows he should, but he can't. It's very common among depressed people to lose interest in the things they enjoyed in the past, and doing unpleasant tasks is also not interesting.

And do you find like I do that the more you stress over not doing what you feel you should but can't, the more difficult it becomes to roll over that point and find the motivation to move forward? It is a crazy cycle, and some mistake the increased lack of motivation for stubborn determination to not do whatever it is, but it really is impossible until the right moment arrives. Is one of the reasons suicide often occurs when people are actually on the up, rather than at the bottom...at the bottom of the pit there is not enough energy left to actually go through with it.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

everything you said here hits really close to home for me Catalina, there was a time that i was so depressed (before i was diagnosed and would face the fact that i was indeed 'depressed') that i tried to take my own life, my husband at the time, found me in the bathroom and lucky for me, found me soon enough. in my first post i jumped to judgment in saying this Man did not care for her feelings, i never gave it a thought that it sounded like depression he was going through, going back and re-reading the OP's post, i see that it does indeed sound alot like it, the periods of 'shutting her out' and such. i went through this also a few years ago with Master, i just shut Him out, wouldn't talk , spent my time playing online games while Him and i were on the phone, there was so much in my head at that time and i didn't know how to tell Him that i had fallen back into the black hole of depression, luckily for me, i was saved again by a dear friend of Him and i's she told Him there was some things He needed to talk to me about but would not tell Him what was said in our conversation but let Him know i was not in a good headspace...had she not done that..who knows what would have happend, as i know Master was at His wits end with me. what i'm trying to say is , i judged wrong, and for that i'm sorry, i didn't even stop to see the possibility that He could be suffering from Depression.

it is hard for anyone standing on the outside who's never had to deal with 'depression' to understand that it's not about THEM....i totally agree with everything you said in this post..and i do hope the OP will read up on depression and ways to deal with it in their loved ones as it's not easy for anyone involved....

Maybe, maybe not, but it did just seem to hit me like that possibly because it is the place I dwell more often than not. I sometimes wonder how long F can take it, but he says forever so I take him at his word. He certainly hasn't run so far and we have been through some fairly dark moments together. I did at one stage wonder if it was because I knew he wouldn't run that I seemed to visit the depths more, but I think it is more so that I am working through the backlog and feel secure enough with him to be able to do that for the first time. It is a nice feeling and I think we must both be lucky women to have found gems like these 2 men.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Maybe, maybe not, but it did just seem to hit me like that possibly because it is the place I dwell more often than not. I sometimes wonder how long F can take it, but he says forever so I take him at his word. He certainly hasn't run so far and we have been through some fairly dark moments together. I did at one stage wonder if it was because I knew he wouldn't run that I seemed to visit the depths more, but I think it is more so that I am working through the backlog and feel secure enough with him to be able to do that for the first time. It is a nice feeling and I think we must both be lucky women to have found gems like these 2 men.

Catalina

*smiles* i think you're right in that when you have someone who understand fully what you're going through or even if they don't understand completely they are still there to catch you when you fall or pull you back out of that pit, it's easier to let it go and show that side of yourself which in turns helps in the long run. i know there are many times He's been beside Himself on how to deal with my bouts of down time but He's always there, and that's what counts. i know i found a very special man and i'm glad you have one as well. it is definantly a great feeling for sure