D/s... Abuse... how do you know the line

[buffybot]

i am in a bit of a hard place... i am submissive... a close friend knows this about me... but i worry he does not fully understand.. and it is starting to feel abusive...


i am not sure what to do or say here.... how to tell him... it's not right... or maybe i am not right.. i don't know anymore...

 

[Ma Petite]

1: are you in a D/s relationship or just a submissive person or an acutal sub in a relationship with someone more dominate or acting like what he believes a dom is.
(this is important because if he is just acting like he believe a dom is, it most likely is abuse)
2: how long have you been together?
3: what is he doing exactly that makes it feel like abuse?
4: you have concerns, so dont feel ashamed. A good dom, even though the beatings takes care of those under him or her. bad dom's should just be kicked to the curb. If you wish to actually talk, feel free to pm me or chat on messenger. I have msn and yahoo.

Edited to remove email address as per Lit rules.

 

[alice_underneath]

i am in a bit of a hard place... i am submissive... a close friend knows this about me... but i worry he does not fully understand.. and it is starting to feel abusive...

i am not sure what to do or say here.... how to tell him... it's not right... or maybe i am not right.. i don't know anymore...

Unfortunately, I am not experienced in BDSM - so I'm not sure I can help much.

But my guess is that one person's "abuse" is another person's "oh-god-that-makes-me-so-hot".

My instinct tells me that you have answered your own question. How do you know if it's abuse? If it "feels abusive" to YOU.

I'm sure that others here can give you more detailed advice.

Good for you for having the courage to ask for help.

Alice

 

[blanketpatterns]

These kinds of relationships can easily lead to abuse if the other person doesn't understand the lifestyle or your reasons for being a sub. (For me it has nothing to do with my personality.) Tell him your limits the way vanilla people tell each other their likes and dislikes. Maybe you can get the relationship on the right track if that's what you want but if you're feeling abused; end it.

 

[Xelebes]

Definite signs you know is safe (at least when it comes to abuse): you both are giggling and having fun.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/healingabuse.htm#bdsmabuse

Good Luck

 

[ThorkelGriersen]

If I understand you

i am in a bit of a hard place... i am submissive... a close friend knows this about me... but i worry he does not fully understand.. and it is starting to feel abusive...


i am not sure what to do or say here.... how to tell him... it's not right... or maybe i am not right.. i don't know anymore...

From your post I take that this is a friend and not a Dom. If that is the case I would try to explain it to the friend by telling him/her that the relationship is only in your private world and not an invitation for others to participate in.

Once I worked with a number of gay people- both male and female. Only one person there knew of my kink. She was gay but we had a lot in common and shared hopes, fears and frustations. ON day she told me someone else said, "He is definetely not straight but he's not gay either. What's his thing?" And my friend replied, "if he wants you to know, he will tell you himself." Wunderbar!!!

I did not tell simply because many were not discreet and some would look to take any advantage possible. Some people will just not understand.

Best of luck. Hope this is to the point and helps.

 

[graceanne]

There are two things that are in D/s relationships that aren't in abusive relationships.

1. Consent. (This doesn't need much explaining.)

2. Control. (Is s/he in control? Or does s/he fly off the handle screaming and yelling? Is discipline consistant, or does it depend on the dom/me moods and how their day went, or how much they've had to drink?)

 

[FurryFury]

<snip>

My instinct tells me that you have answered your own question. How do you know if it's abuse? If it "feels abusive" to YOU.

I'm sure that others here can give you more detailed advice.

Good for you for having the courage to ask for help.

Alice

I think you are pretty smart in the part I have quoted above Alice.


Buffybot, cute site nick name by the way, If you are even wondering is this abuse? It's a big honkin' red flag. You didn't say this person was your Dom or even your lover. He shouldn't, therefore being doing anything to you that would even make you question is it abuse.

Even if he were your lover or Dom, what he wants to do just may not be the best fit for you period.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

..... and it is starting to feel abusive...

The following excerpt is from the NCSF's Document Library - SM vs. Abuse http://www.ncsfreedom.org/library/smvsabuse.htm

The following Principles and Guidelines are intended to help law enforcement and social services professionals understand the difference between abusive relationships vs. consensual sadomasochism (SM). SM includes a broad and complex group of behaviors between consenting adults involving the consensual exchange of power, and the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline.

SM includes: "intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given."

Abuse is: "Physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent."

There is more, of course, and although it is intended to help law enforement officers understand the difference between consentual S/M and domestic abuse, the article has some pretty good suggestions you can use to determine, for yourself, whether the relationship is moving towards, or already crossed the line into abuse.

Hope that helps!

 

[alice_underneath]

Thanks, Fury.

Alice

 

[jadefirefly]

If you are unable, either due to nerves or fear, to sit down with this person and have a calm, rational discussion about whatever it is he is doing that is making you uncomfortable, than it is very important that you at least cut off interaction with this person until you are able to.

In a D/s relationship, both parties are, regardless of their roles, able to sit down and have a conversation about likes, dislikes, limits, and the like. In an abusive relationship, one person does all the choosing of what is liked or disliked, and the other person is afraid to speak up and say otherwise.

The above is extremely simplified, but there was no need to go into anything greater than the actual subject in question.

Like so many others said, if it -feels- abusive, odds are good that it may be.