Cybersex and Fidelity--A conflict???

[FlamingoBlue]

A very interesting thing happened to me recently while writing as a character in one of the chain stories on the sex role play BB (and I'm not talking about my "famous" death scene, or the fallout from it. That I enjoyed). As I began to write about my character having sex with female characters, I was struck by the fact that I as beginning to feel unfaithful to my relationship with my wife. Very strange.

As I was writing for my character, I found that I had to disguise him and, even then, with double insulation, I still felt guilty. So, yesterday, I took myself out of a story that I had started, in which I was the only male amongst 2 females. I was just too uncomfortable and I disclosed that to the other characters. One kind lady responded, very positively, I may add, that she understood my feelings.

Several weeks ago, I recieved an invitation to engage in "cybersex". I refused that for the same reason. It would have been a breach in my relationship with my wife. That was an easier one for me, although I did struggle with it, too.

Now, I have been writing fiction and I do not feel the same way when any of the characters that I have created has sex. I think its because I am more detached from these characters than in a role play situation.

Frankly, I understand why I feel the way I do and I am quite at peace with it. (My wife is REALLY at peace with it). Have any of you had similar conflicts and, if so, how have you resolved/rationalized them.

blue

[Edited by FlamingoBlue on 09-19-2000 at 09:03 PM]

 

[Nicole]

Well then I won't even go into my relationship with you.

You would think me entirly a bad person, and maybe I am. I'm not judging anyone else so why should others judge me.

You have a very lucky wife. I hope you are both happy.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

This is not about good or bad,

right or wrong. In my opinion, things are either positive, nuetral or negative. These are all value judgements. Some are societal,some religious and the rest are individual. If you happen to engage in cybersex or sexual role playing and it does not negatively impact you or me, than there is no problem with it. Your lifestyle is your own business and I make no judgements about it.

My question has to do with folks that have conflicts like I did but are able to somehow justify or rationalize them in order to continue the practice. I am sure that there are plenty of folks that think I am nuts, and that's okay, because I don't care, as long as I am happy and you aren't hurt by my decision.

So, Nichole, I would love to hear about your relationship if you would like to share it with me. You may email me if you don't want to reveal it to the world. I am very discrete.

 

[Nicole]

Flamingo I'm pretty sure that the whole Board knows anyway but here ya go ....

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=14195

If this doesn't explain then I'll try to.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

I read the thread and....

you have made a lifestyle choice, just like me. I am happily married, monogamous and live 4 miles away from my wife. So, there. All my good friends, our children and my mother are cool with it. As for the rest of the world, I could care less.

But that is not what this thread is about. I am wondering about the potential conflicts that arise internally as a result of cybersex and the way the conflicts are rationalized or resolved. Unless, there's something that I missed, you seem perfectly happy and so do they. Congratulations to you all!

blue

[Edited by FlamingoBlue on 09-19-2000 at 11:01 PM]

 

[Whispersecret]

I've had a cybersexual relationship, and I'm married. I couldn't honestly rationalize it to myself. I believe it's cheating, not physically, but emotionally, especially if you're achieving orgasm during the cybersession. So I dealt with the guilt of knowing I was doing something wrong.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

You said "had"....

Does that men you ended it because of the internal conflict it generated? Or, is the relationhsip still going on while you try to cope with the conflict.

I found it to difficult to cope, internally. This as seperate from the difficulty that my wife had, since I didn't try to hide it from her.

As I said before, feel fee to email me if you don't want to discuss it on the BB.

blue

 

[ManOSafety]

I am married and the first couple of times I had cybersex, I did not have any qualms or nagging doubts about it. Then, however, I began to see articles and stories suggesting that it was wrong and that it could/should be considered cheating and began to have doubts about what I was doing.

In my own mind, I wasn't doing anything wrong, really nothing different than reading erotica, getting excited and masturbating. Sure, there was another person that was immediately responding to my input and involved in the process, but in no way, shape or form did I ever suggest that any more would come of the process than that specific conversation.

After having doubts, I discussed it with my wife and she agreed that she didn't see anything wrong with the activity. As she said it, "it's not like you're planning on meeting these people, if you were, then I'd have a problem with it."

So...I can understand why some people find it to be cheating and will respect that. Personally, I find nothing wrong with it.

 

[Whispersecret]

Re: You said

The cyber relationship is over. To my shame, not due to any action on my part. He had some computer problems that lasted a long time, and when months went by without hearing from him, I assumed we were history, and I was glad.

Perhaps that is why I'm so hesitant about flirting here on the bb. I know how easily harmless flirting can flare into something much more.

I guess, Blue, you have to weigh the pleasure you get from the cybersex with the discomfort you feel from your conscience. Decide which is worth more and then act. Maybe you'll have more strength of character than I did.

 

[Siren]

Cybersex and Fidelity- a conflict?

 

[Isabella Thorne]

My 2 cents

Well personally i think cybersex is fantasy ... so no it is not being unfaithful .. is it unfaithful to have a fantasy life? In fact, in my opinion, it can improve one's r/l sex life.
_______________________
Life is just a fantasy
~Aldo Nova~

 

[coach]

The big thing that scares me off with cybersex is, unlike pictures or stories your partner in cybersex talks back and the first time that they say something to personal its gone to far.
Its hard to explain.?
Like if your just talking to a woman and your have wicked thoughts about her...no big deal. (fantasizing)
But if for some reason she seems to start come on to you, you feel like you have gone to far. Its past fantasy and your cheating! Iknow I'm weird!

cybers like that. the second she calls you "dear" or "lover" ...its gone personal!!!

 

[Isabella Thorne]

What's that, dear?

... what Coach?!

Personally, I call everyone dear, dear! Am I getting too personal with you?

and ummmm "coming on to you"? ... i think it's called flirting. ... don't be so paranoid ... lol .. no seriously ..

 

[coach]

Sorry wrong choice of words. Its not that exact word . Its just a matter of the wrong word?
If you say little phrases to your lover. And then your cyber partner say's anything close to that...alarm bells start going off and yo just feel bad about what your doing!

Hell I love flirting...sweet heart !!!!

 

[FlamingoBlue]

I think someone called me "repressed"

For feeling the way I do. For the first time in my life, I feel that I can actually trust myself, fidelitywise. If that's repressed, than i'm proud of it.

blue

 

[Whispersecret]

Let's assume for the sake of this discussion that the average person believes that married people should only have sex with their spouse. Also, when I'm talking about cybersex being cheating, I'm talking about repeated sessions with the same person, not isolated incidents with different people every time. With that understood, here are some points I'd like to make:

Sexual fantasies occur only in your head, or in some cases on paper, if you write your fantasies down. While cybering is largely a mental activity, there are other aspects of it that nudge it toward something more than mere fantasy.

Namely, that cybersex involves another real, live person. You develop a sexual relationship with this person. As I mentioned in my previous post, I know how easy it is to fall in love over the Internet. The lure of cybering is so insidious that I think many of us are willing to convince ourselves that it's not really cheating. AFter all, no one actually touches someone else.

To me, that sounds a lot like Bill Clinton insisting that he didn't have sex with Monica.

...in no way, shape or form did I ever suggest that any more would come of the process than that specific conversation... Well, that doesn't seem like a valid argument. No offense, Safety Man. I realize that your wife is okay with that, so you're in the clear, but I just don't see how your having no intent to follow through physically disqualifies the act of cybering from the realm of infidelity. I've been trying to think of something to compare it to, and the best I can do is to compare it to a man who chats with someone about how he could kill his wife. Just because he doesn't, at the time, intend to go through with it doesn't make it any less horrid, does it? I don't know, maybe that comparison is too radical.

And speaking of comparisons, flirting is miles away from cybering. You can't compare those two.

Blue, if someone calls you repressed for feeling guilty about cybering, my opinion is that they are trying to justify their own behavior, of which they might just feel a little iffy about themselves. Nobody wants to take responsibility for their own actions anymore. I say, good for you. Fidelity is something I have failed at, but I will look at your behavior as an example.

How do you like being a role-model?

 

[Cheyenne]

First, quote any post that says you're repressed because you believe in fidelity. If you're referring to Lasher's comments, he was telling you you're repressed for other reasons. I don't remember seeing any reference to your attitude towards fidelity. I'd guess Lasher supports fidelity, too.

In this case, I also agree with you and fidelity is good. Absolutely nothing wrong with your approach to cybering (or not cybering). My definition of it as cheating would be if you don't want your spouse or SO to know that you do it. If it is a secret, then it is cheating. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. The cyber relationship is real even if only on the computer. And I've said in previous threads not to assume that it will stay only on the computer- it is very easy to move the relationship to RL when you're already intimate with someone in cyberspace.

 

[Miranda Reigns]

Monsieur Blue ....

Um ... the way I rationalize cybersex ... the way I put it into perspective, is to think of it as a form of foreplay. I mean, some of us watch dirty movies to get aroused ... some of us fantasize ... and some of us get a little in the cyber world. It's just a form of mental stimulation that I personally have no guilt with. But, you have to go with your own gut. If your gut is telling you that it's wrong, then listen to it. Just my humble opinion.
xxxooo

 

[chal13]

I believe cybersex is harmless flirting, as long as it stays on the net with no plans to meet in the real world. If I caught my wife haveing cybersex I'm sure I'd find it amuseing. Who knows maybe she would get real turned on and take it out on me in the bed room.

 

[Stormystarr]

had to delete.

[Edited by stormystarr on 10-08-2000 at 04:09 PM]

 

[Juliangel]

OK here is my take on it, if you agree fine, if not that's fine too:

As far as Cyersex goes I have done it a few times. I see it as another form of masturbation. Is it always satisfying? No it depends on the person you are doing it with.

As for the RP, I played AD&D as a teenager and had two characters I loved. One was a neutral thief who would sleep with anything to get what she wanted, the other a bad ass bitch who was a fighter with no morals, on her good days she only had a bad day of PMS and would cut the throats of other characters she saw as weak. Does it mean I want to be a slut, thief or killer with no morals? No, it was a game.

I am involved in a SRP right now and I am having fun with it. It doesn't mean I am unfaithful or I am going to have an affair quite the opposite is true. My honey and I have been married almost 12 years and I would never be with anyone else but I can play out fantasies or get ideas.

My conscience and morals actually made me changed my story a bit, I had to give her a really crappy marriage that she was getting out of the let her sleep with the man in the story. My honey knows I post here and I share some of the stories with him. He doesn't come here, but that is because he is internet retarded and hardly ever gets online that's why I print the stories to share with him.

 

[Nogard]

I am really confused. If a person is in a really good relationship why is cyber necessary? I see many on this board that talk and respond without having to resort to cyber. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone, I just dont understand why it's necessary if you have someone that you are in love with why you want to go elsewhere. To me, a relationship is someting extremely special and not to be risked. If you are unhappy where you are get out and move on.

 

[Womanlover]

you'd have REAL trouble with guilt as a leading man in soaps or on the silver screen.......