Cybering Partners

[shele]

So I was talking with a group of friends and we were discussing whether or not we cared if our SO's have cyber sex. We all agreed porn was ok, videos, magazines and whatnot but when it came to cybering (cam, chat) the vote was split. Some people just didn't care if they did or didn't, others didn't care as long as it was with an anyonmous random person (preferably out of state), others cared only if it was an ongoing relationship with mostly one specif person (too intimate) and others said no way not my hubby/wife I would kill them.

So I just want to know your thoughts on it...do you care or not...and if you are in a relationship do you cyber with others?

Thanks again..
-shele

 

[Brazen Irish]

I have to choose "other" simply because I would not mind if my SO and I dicussed it. If we both came to the agreement that cyber sex wouldn't have any affect upon our relationship then it would be fine for either one of us to enjoy. If we didn't agree, then neither one us would engage in it.

However, I'd have to set boundries. If there was ever a time a cyber relationshop began to invoke romantic and not just sexual feelings it'd have to be cut off, or the RL relationship re-evulated.

I think it would bother me a touch if I found out my SO was doing cyber sex and hiding it from me, but I doubt I'd consider it cheating any more than looking at porn is.

 

[MiloDRemix]

It would honestly bother me if my partner (my purely hypothetical partner, lol) were cybering with someone other than myself. In my opinion, fantasizing and maturbation, fine... but when you're getting off with someone else, with the help of someone else... it seems like cheating. Even if you are separated by several miles and a computer screen.

 

[done_got_old]

I don't cyber and neither does he.

 

[Bobmi357]

Oh boy what a can of worms this is going to be.

Lets start with a little review before we get into what I actually think of it.

Ok Sherman, lets take the way back machine to say circa 1990 and look at the state of cybering as it has evolved.

IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS TEXT. AND IT WAS TEXT ON A SCREEN. Just text. No clue as to the real gender of the person you were talking to.

The person on the other computer was merely a generator of messages, sometimes hot, often not. In fact, text based cybering was difficult to do. Typing and playing with one's genitalia is not the easiest thing to do. To be honest the person on the other computer was an abstract, unreal, just a source of a message on the screen. To be honest you might as well have been talking to a program.

Now zoom ahead a few short years. Say about 1995 and people start using Instant messengers. Text is STILL the predominate method of cybering, but there is a new technology breaking out. Voice over IP. Now for the first time you can talk to someone far far far away and not (a) have a humongous phone bill and (b) have a real clue as to gender and emotions. The person on the other end became not an abstract, but a real individual for the first time. You still didn't really know what they looked like, but you could hear the emotion in the voice. And cybering became 10000% easier because you no longer needed to type your responses. Boom mikes, headset mikes, suddenly cybering became a handsfree activity.

From an emotional standpoint there is a quantum leap between text cybering and voice cybering. Its hard to attribute a living person to text on a screen, but hearing them, hearing the pain or joy in their voices suddenly turns the person on the other side from an abstract to a real life person.

Now move forward another five years and you have cheap ball cams which produce a reasonable picture. Webcamming becomes an integral part of instant messengers like Yahoo's IM. And the stakes go up again. Now you can see the other person. Its hard to spoof someone over a webcam, you can't claim to be a svelte blond god when they can see you're an aging, balding man with a paunch the size of ohio! You can't claim to have a penis the size of mount rushmore when your really more like a peanut.

The person on the other side is now real in every sense of the word except for being in your presense. And herein lies part of the trap for the cybering community. Once that person becomes real, you enter a risk zone. The risk of becoming emotionally attached to the person on the other side of that cam. You risk invoking the ire of your significant other because you're spending your emotions on someone other than them.

For myself I am of two minds concerning cybering. I could see myself cybering and then, after getting good and worked up, going to make love to my wife. And I could live with my wife doing the same so long as we agreed no long term cyber partners. In other words, using it merely as a form of extended foreplay for our own loving. I could also easily see us incorporating cybering into our love play, where one of us would do what the other's cyber partner is saying they want to do.

What I can't see myself doing is allowing myself to become emotionally involved. And I would not want my wife to become emotionally involved either. Personally my feelings for her are just that, for her, and I think giving any of those feelings to a third party via cybering lessens the value of what we have.

Do I cyber now? No I don't. My wife and I have talked about it several times and talked about using it to help arouse, but thats as far as its gotten. Just talk. Does my wife cyber? No I am sure she doesn't. She has enough problems talking dirty to me, hows she going to do that to a complete stranger?

In closing I think cyber can be a fun addition to a couple's sex life, but it can also become a trap that tests the measure of the relationship, maybe to the breaking point.

 

[shele]

Thank you all for your answers and keep them coming...


My story.....

I have cybered..was in a relationship where we both would play together and that was cool.. and it was fine. We also played seperately but always just random people again this was fine.

Jump ahead a couple years and I am now in a relationship and I don't cyber, just not interested in it and feel that it is disrespectful to my bf. However found that my bf has been playing a little..very little, just dipping his toes in here and there..but its with one woman and she lives 1500 miles away..married with a child. Their relationship started off 2 months ago from playing Gin in yahoo games and over the last couple of weeks they have been starting to tease one another..some dirty chat, a little flashing and not sure what it has gone beyond that but have been assured it was nothing just a little fun.

It bothers me that he does this and he knows I don't approve. He feels he is doing nothing wrong, he doesn't want a relatinship with this woman just having some fun and thats all. So he told this girl that it upset me and they couldn't engage in sexual talk anymore...but he still talks to her...and I saw the messages she sends him say be a good boy so we can play again...fromwhat I have seen he doesn't respond to her when she talks like that but still it bothers me. Trying to figure out if I am being unreasonable to be upset about this or not ..~sigh~

Again looking forward to your responses...

 

[dh15]

cyber sex and strangers

Do I cyber now? No I don't. Does my wife cyber? No I am sure she doesn't. She has enough problems talking dirty to me, hows she going to do that to a complete stranger?

How indeed!
I had an interesting event which forever changed my idea of what a wife would or wouldn;t do. I was separted and a long time friend came over to "see" if there was anything she could so to "help me out"!
She "helped me" out of my clothes and then "helped " herself to my cock. The evening got very interesting as she "wanted everything" . I told her that her ass was incredible and wanted to have it. Her protestations while duly noted went unheeded as she pushed and ground herself back into the invading instrument even harder. Her enjoyment was obvious and loud. We both had incredible orgasms. When she rolled onto her stomach, gasped how great it was and how long it's been. "God, I love it that way"
I asked "Doesn't your husband like to do that often?"
"My God NO!" was her instant reply. "I'd never let him do that! I love it up the ass but that is way too personal! I live with him!"

At that time I realized that a mans thought process will never comprehend the workings of the married female mind.




__________________

 

[Ukin]

Thank you all for your answers and keep them coming...


My story.....

I am fortunate in being single and have had many cyber lady friends..and yes, cybered and talked on the phone too..but all have been single too...with one exception. She and I email each other daily, only one liners but always sexual..and her hubby knows too...in fact, they are both on here. We all know there is nothing more than pure friendship and never will we meet. I think, if it stays like that, then your relationship will continue..if it's a strong one.

That said..if her hubby DIDN'T approve, then we both know we would stop...but we've been like this for some 2 years now.
I personally feel that if I was your SO...and knew you didn't approve, I would be disrespecting you and that is not a good thing to do....it could show unhappiness in the relationship and that I need to look elsewhere (even if it is on line) to get my 'thrills' so to speak.

Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[MT_Pitcher]

I have cybered, I do cyber....
Is it cheating?..........Yes.
Not because of a few words on the screen, that's just a game.
Been there , done that, that was nothing...
It's cheating because of the feeling behind the words now...
And the fact that it WILL go to real life.
And the fact that I am in love...

So, for me, cheating, yes...
Who cares?
I won't be with her.....
I will be with my cyber lover(s)


And I wouldn't cyber with anyone that I didn't have strong feelings for...

 

[Hornymama]

I must admit i do cyber and my hubby knows. It's not something i would do behind his back nor is it something i would do with just anyone. We have a very strong relationship and it's never caused us any problems. He's cybered a few times and i was here ( doing housework i think) lol while he was cybering. He says it's just not for him though. I have one cyber partner only and we share many special and fun moments together. We've never talked on the phone(not that i wouldn't enjoy it i'm sure) but i would have to know my husband was totally comfortable with it before i did plus he would have to have LOTS of minutes cause i talk a lot. As much as i enjoy the cybering and the sexual banter i treasure the friends we have become and hopefully it will only continue. I think it really depends on the persons involved and their situation. ok, i'll shut up now.....

oh i should if i were single i might have to go ravish his body....just once lol

 

[Ukin]

I ok, i'll shut up now.....

That'll be the day lol

 

[Hornymama]

That'll be the day lol

on here ...... NEVER will I shut up to you so don't hold your breath lol

 

[Ukin]

on here NEVER will I shut up to you so don't hold your breath lol

Hahahahaha

 

[Hornymama]

Hahahahaha

i have a place for that tongue and those lips

 

[poundemin]

i have a place for that tongue and those lips

I read your sig line and I doubt that very much.

 

[rakastuja]

I think it would bother me if I would surprise my partner cybering with someone.

I think I wouldnt matter so much if my partner would confess that a chat session went to cybering - online relationship or regular cybering with certain person would be a bit another thing.

So I guess... as long as its about sexual relief and fantasizing its ok. When its about cybering with certain person it can be like cheating in old way...

 

[DLL]

Is cyber sex cheating? Yes and no. Well, maybe. It depends. This is a controversial question. The conclusion many have come up with so far, is that there is no true answer. Many have said it depends on the situation and how each couple defines "cheating," that “cheating” is in the mind of the individual couple.

Rules of Thumb to consider:
- Are you doing something you wouldn't want your partner to know about?
- Are you keeping your cyber lover a secret?
- Are you engaging in an activity you would hesitate to do in front of your real-life beloved?
Generally speaking, if any of these apply, the action could either be considered cheating or at the very least, damaging to your relationship. If you don't want your partner to know about your online attractions, then you should rethink your actions.
In effect, your real-life mate is the deciding factor. Ask yourself, “What perspective does my partner have about cyber sex?” If he or she feels betrayed, then there's the answer.

Several red flags to consider:
- Is there an emotional attachment to your cyber "friend?"
- Do you look forward to "speaking" with this person?
- Is your online relationship taking time away from your beloved?
If any of these apply, you may want to analyze your true intentions. Ask yourself, “Is this cyber communication a replacement for what I feel I am missing from my real partner?” Many cyber sex participants have admitted to participating in this activity because their sex life has fallen short of their expectations. If your cyber relationship is taking time away from your beloved, it’s time to decide, who is your priority.

Some believe it’s cheating:
Many proclaiming cyber sex as the new cheating method, have provided reasons to support their opinions. They describe the fundamental difference between cyber sex and pornography is that there is little chance that the fantasizing person may actually meet one of the pin-up models. Conversely, cyber sex involves two people having a real-life conversations; there is an actual person on the other end of the computer line. Emotional bonds are easily created after sharing this type of experience with someone and thereby the person at the other end of the computer line, becomes even more human.
Many say that this new-found connection can be damaging to your real life relationship. Many of the non-participating partners have felt betrayed, belittled, less desirable, unattractive, and even replaced when their partner engaged in cyber sex. Some have said, "It hurts when the spouse will go to such lengths instead of making love with the one they are married to."
To some, cyber sex creates the same feeling of emotional betrayal that physical cheating does. Many people also believe that if he/she truly loves and respects you, then they won't consider fantasizing about others, claiming that fantasies are healthy if left just as fantasies.
Still, some take the black-and-white approach by claiming that, "Cheating can't be done with the body, only the heart."

Some do not believe it’s cheating at all:
There are many defenses for cyber sex. Many believe that this practice is no different than looking at pornography. In fact, some have said that the more jealous his/her partner becomes of the activity, the more likely he/she will be pushed away by them. Similarly, some said that if there is existing trust and support in their real-life relationship, then no reason exists for them to follow through with actual act of intercourse.
To numerous people, cyber sex is literally a safe way to relieve sexual tension when his/her partner is not present and it is just a fantasy. Many maintain that they would never carry out the imaginative stories they concoct online. Plus, they claim, that cyber sex can benefit the non-participating partner too, wherein they sometimes become so aroused from the cyber sex that their real-life partner receives the heavenly fruit of their labor.

My thoughts are this:

Whatever you do, set explicit guidelines and know your priorities. Proceed with caution … gray areas, such as cyber sex, can prove to be dangerously slippery slopes.

 

[ElusivButterfly]

Oh boy what a can of worms this is going to be.

Lets start with a little review before we get into what I actually think of it.

Ok Sherman, lets take the way back machine to say circa 1990 and look at the state of cybering as it has evolved.

IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS TEXT. AND IT WAS TEXT ON A SCREEN. Just text. No clue as to the real gender of the person you were talking to.

The person on the other computer was merely a generator of messages, sometimes hot, often not. In fact, text based cybering was difficult to do. Typing and playing with one's genitalia is not the easiest thing to do. To be honest the person on the other computer was an abstract, unreal, just a source of a message on the screen. To be honest you might as well have been talking to a program.

Now zoom ahead a few short years. Say about 1995 and people start using Instant messengers. Text is STILL the predominate method of cybering, but there is a new technology breaking out. Voice over IP. Now for the first time you can talk to someone far far far away and not (a) have a humongous phone bill and (b) have a real clue as to gender and emotions. The person on the other end became not an abstract, but a real individual for the first time. You still didn't really know what they looked like, but you could hear the emotion in the voice. And cybering became 10000% easier because you no longer needed to type your responses. Boom mikes, headset mikes, suddenly cybering became a handsfree activity.

From an emotional standpoint there is a quantum leap between text cybering and voice cybering. Its hard to attribute a living person to text on a screen, but hearing them, hearing the pain or joy in their voices suddenly turns the person on the other side from an abstract to a real life person.

Now move forward another five years and you have cheap ball cams which produce a reasonable picture. Webcamming becomes an integral part of instant messengers like Yahoo's IM. And the stakes go up again. Now you can see the other person. Its hard to spoof someone over a webcam, you can't claim to be a svelte blond god when they can see you're an aging, balding man with a paunch the size of ohio! You can't claim to have a penis the size of mount rushmore when your really more like a peanut.

The person on the other side is now real in every sense of the word except for being in your presense. And herein lies part of the trap for the cybering community. Once that person becomes real, you enter a risk zone. The risk of becoming emotionally attached to the person on the other side of that cam. You risk invoking the ire of your significant other because you're spending your emotions on someone other than them.

For myself I am of two minds concerning cybering. I could see myself cybering and then, after getting good and worked up, going to make love to my wife. And I could live with my wife doing the same so long as we agreed no long term cyber partners. In other words, using it merely as a form of extended foreplay for our own loving. I could also easily see us incorporating cybering into our love play, where one of us would do what the other's cyber partner is saying they want to do.

What I can't see myself doing is allowing myself to become emotionally involved. And I would not want my wife to become emotionally involved either. Personally my feelings for her are just that, for her, and I think giving any of those feelings to a third party via cybering lessens the value of what we have.

Do I cyber now? No I don't. My wife and I have talked about it several times and talked about using it to help arouse, but thats as far as its gotten. Just talk. Does my wife cyber? No I am sure she doesn't. She has enough problems talking dirty to me, hows she going to do that to a complete stranger?

In closing I think cyber can be a fun addition to a couple's sex life, but it can also become a trap that tests the measure of the relationship, maybe to the breaking point.

I voted other for the exact reasoning you stated about, very well I might add.

I think it could be a great sharing experience WITH your partner but I don't think it bodes well if it is done secretively.

 

[DLL]

So with that example, is developing a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex to be coinsidered cheating as well?



it depends on what you want out of that friendship....I happen to have a very good friend who is male and we dicuss everything together






Let's face it: the opposite sex is complicated. You have two different bodies. Two different chromosomes. Two different cultures.


In addition, there's a strong chemical attraction, and you can't just flush it out with a bug repellent.


There's you. There's them. There's testosterone and estrogen.


There may be issues of temptation and self-control, for example.


Experience, usually, is the problem solver.

 

[babydoll2u]

So with that example, is developing a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex to be coinsidered cheating as well?



it depends on what you want out of that friendship....I happen to have a very good friend who is male and we dicuss everything together






Let's face it: the opposite sex is complicated. You have two different bodies. Two different chromosomes. Two different cultures.


In addition, there's a strong chemical attraction, and you can't just flush it out with a bug repellent.


There's you. There's them. There's testosterone and estrogen.


There may be issues of temptation and self-control, for example.


Experience, usually, is the problem solver.

I SO agree with you on this DLL

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by gwh
Is that like "Try it, you'll like it"...?

well i think it can be hard to be friends when you really aren't looking for another "friend" but it is possible

 

[invisigirl]

Some interesting talk here. I think it really matters on just how you see cybering. It's generally been no fun to me if I'm not into with feeling for the person but I know a lot of people take it much more casually. When you're in a relationship it can get sticky but if you don't take it as anything more than masturbation, I think that's what it is, and everyone is entitled to that. If emotions get involved it's on a whole other level. And there are also the emotions of your playmate to consider.

I only want to cyber with one person. There's nothing stopping me from cybering with others though I think he'd rather not know about it if I did.

I'm the opposite. If he cybers with others it's ok with me as long as he doesn't feel he has to hide it from me, and it isn't instead of me. At the same time I respect that he may need that casual, private time for release. That's when it's just more like masturbation. I do think a little sharing can bring out new ideas to explore together. If it's instead of me, then there's things we need to talk about, like what we can change to make it more right. I don't think he does but I realize it's possible and I would never know about it. The bottom line is that his affection for me is lasting, so if he does it doesn't stop him from caring about me. I do get anxious if he doesn't show interest in it for a while but I also know that's my own insecurity showing and there are times in any relationship where life doesn't automatically lead to sex. Yes, it's true!

So I voted other. It really just depends.

 

[omahaman2]

I have I think a unique aspect on this topic. I never even heard of
cybering until I found LIT. I havent done it in a long time. Maybe,
because my cyber partner now lives with me and we are engaged! We met right here at LIT chat. I think to share
such intimacy it would be hard not to get feelings for the other person. I think like many others have stated,it is a matter that should be discussed by the 2 persons that are together
physically but I feel I wouldnt like the idea of my partner doing it.

 

[MT_Pitcher]

So with that example, is developing a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex to be coinsidered cheating as well?

it depends on what you want out of that friendship....I happen to have a very good friend who is male and we dicuss everything together

No.. Friendship is NOT cheating!!!
I have a few friends, mostly women, on the board.
Some I talk to on a regular basis, some when there's time or need.
Most I've NEVER cybered with.
Some I have....
But they are friends, and were lovers for one reason...
I LIKE them...
It wasn't about cyber or sex...
Just plain like them as people...
I'm not saying there isn't flirting, just not any more than that..
That's not cheating...

 

[DLL]

Originally posted by MT_Pitcher
No.. Friendship is NOT cheating!!!
I have a few friends, mostly women, on the board.
Some I talk to on a regular basis, some when there's time or need.
Most I've NEVER cybered with.
Some I have....
But they are friends, and were lovers for one reason...
I LIKE them...
It wasn't about cyber or sex...
Just plain like them as people...
I'm not saying there isn't flirting, just not any more than that..
That's not cheating...

well...i have friends that are male...so I understand that yes male and female can be friends...but when does it cross the friendship line?